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divine1966
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 09:22 AM
  #21
This doesn’t strike me as healthy and authentic relationship.

You both play games with each either consciously or subconsciously engaging in a power play. He refuses to commit or even define a relationship which causes you to feel insecure and anxious. In return you keep telling him you still love another man and even consider him, which in return possibly causing your date to feel insecure and anxious and perhaps not consider this a serious relationship.

That’s very unhealthy relationship dynamic.

It seems that you went from unhealthy marriage to unhealthy relationship without any time in between to reflect and learn how healthy relationships look like.

Relationships that cause each other to be insecure and unsettled aren’t healthy.

I don’t know if you are seeing a therapist but good therapist could help you define how good relationship looks like (perhaps explore your family of origin dynamics). You continue dating a man who threw out his friend for referring to you as his girlfriend after 6 months of dating and after sleeping with you. It’s degrading and pretty much puts you to your place. No good. It’s degrading

I’d take a break from any kind of dating at this point and take care of other more urgent issues like building your self respect. You can do much better than this. You sound very intelligent so you can eventually have good relationship that doesn’t involve games or power play. You deserve better
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 10:06 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
Do you have conflicted feelings inside about wanting to be with your ex? Your initial post states that you would still love to consider him... ?

Perhaps you mean in a way different than being with him again?
Or, are you conflicted?
Yes, I meant it in a different way - I do still love him, but I am not conflicted at all about not wanting to be with him. I think it's entirely possible to still care for someone you've spent most of your life with, while not wanting to be in a relationship with them ever again. We were not healthy for each other at all. I'm not "close" with my ex. We text each other every once in a while to keep tabs on what's going on in our lives, but that's the extend of it. He's depressed and has virtually no support system, so I worry. I am aware he's not my responsibility.

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I think what I am trying to say is that your actions could be contradictory to your words and G may be reading into your actions, without maybe even being fully aware.
That's what I think now too, after some contemplation. It would make sense.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 03:20 PM
  #23
Often someone posts about how their relationship is perfect except for this one thing about their partner, and they want to know how to get their partner to change.

What they often find, I think, is that it is a mistake to try to change someone, and that their partner isn’t interested in changing.

Maybe G will turn out to be different, although the blowout fight he had with J makes me skeptical of that. But if G turns out to be like many other partners, then the relationship you have is the one that you are going to have, and the question will be whether that is acceptable to you, or whether it is a dealbreaker.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 11:02 PM
  #24
Have you tried dating other men while having this relationship with G? It sounds like you decided that you did not want to, and did not try, but it might be worth trying, both to change the power dynamic and to bring more fun in your life -between once husband and G, your emotions are in overdrive and it would be good to have a light relationship now. Just a thought.

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 05:03 AM
  #25
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Have you tried dating other men while having this relationship with G? It sounds like you decided that you did not want to, and did not try, but it might be worth trying, both to change the power dynamic and to bring more fun in your life -between once husband and G, your emotions are in overdrive and it would be good to have a light relationship now. Just a thought.
They sleep together so it would be wise to inform other dates that she is intimate with another man. It might not bother other causal dates but most people would be apprehensive.

Personally I think dating even more men now isn’t a healthy strategy under these circumstances. Wanting committed relationship with one man while loving another and now casually dating even more men doesn’t strike me as healthy way of going about it. It muddles the true much deeper issue here, which if not addressed will continue surfacing

Plus it’s not very fair to prospective dates, even if casual
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 07:52 AM
  #26
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Yes, I meant it in a different way - I do still love him, but I am not conflicted at all about not wanting to be with him. I think it's entirely possible to still care for someone you've spent most of your life with, while not wanting to be in a relationship with them ever again. We were not healthy for each other at all. I'm not "close" with my ex. We text each other every once in a while to keep tabs on what's going on in our lives, but that's the extend of it. He's depressed and has virtually no support system, so I worry. I am aware he's not my responsibility.

That's what I think now too, after some contemplation. It would make sense.

Thanks, for clarifying!

Perhaps another conversation would be worthwhile?

Either that, or you just accept his stance for now, though that would upset me (if it were me), and feeling insecure is not a healthy place to be in a relationship.

What's the big deal in saying you're in a relationship and giving it more of a label, if you're crazy about each other? I don't get it. Seems a bit controlling on his part... withholding.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 11:02 AM
  #27
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
They sleep together so it would be wise to inform other dates that she is intimate with another man. It might not bother other causal dates but most people would be apprehensive.

Plus it’s not very fair to prospective dates, even if casual
I did not suggest that OP hide anything.

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 01:12 PM
  #28
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You continue dating a man who threw out his friend for referring to you as his girlfriend after 6 months of dating and after sleeping with you. It’s degrading and pretty much puts you to your place. No good. It’s degrading
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
What's the big deal in saying you're in a relationship and giving it more of a label, if you're crazy about each other? I don't get it. Seems a bit controlling on his part... withholding.
BINGO! You two put words to the sense I felt in reading the thread.

Why the hell an adult man would be so reactionary to such a simple thing is not only perplexing, but troubling. It matters to you, and that is reason enough he should "man up". We don't always do things because we "feel like it". That is a very immature stance. Just because someone is older doesn't mean they are mature.

I can't agree that the pill thing was cute. And I'm well-versed in references and inside jokes, but this, especially in light of the issue at hand, is not that simple.

Something is off.

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Last edited by Innerzone; Jun 16, 2019 at 02:37 PM..
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 03:53 PM
  #29
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I did not suggest that OP hide anything.
Good point. You didn’t. I just thought that bringing more men into this unhealthy dynamic might not be a good idea
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 04:06 PM
  #30
So after 6 months of dating, you are pushing for a commitment of some kind, and he is not willing to commit yet.

I really dont see a problem?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 12:01 AM
  #31
He doesn't want you to say he's your boyfriend, yet get's upset when you don't. He throws friends out who understandably think you are in a relationship. He's a real flake, and there's emotional abuse happening. He wants things to go how he wants them to go, and that can change at any time. I think you might like some chaos in your life; games. Why not be on your own for a time. His age is a factor, no matter how much you like hanging with " mature " people. He has had more time to create his messed up relationship maneuvers.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:16 AM
  #32
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Originally Posted by WhatsNextNow View Post
He doesn't want you to say he's your boyfriend, yet get's upset when you don't. He throws friends out who understandably think you are in a relationship. He's a real flake, and there's emotional abuse happening. He wants things to go how he wants them to go, and that can change at any time. I think you might like some chaos in your life; games. Why not be on your own for a time. His age is a factor, no matter how much you like hanging with " mature " people. He has had more time to create his messed up relationship maneuvers.
Good post. Age and maturity is not the same thing. This guy is older but that doesn’t make him more mature. He is a player.

It could be that he prefers younger women with less experience as older women wouldn’t buy this nonsense he is selling. I know I dated some guys in my younger years that I wouldn’t even consider now. It takes time to learn .

I hope it all doesn’t end up in disaster and OP just walks away one day before things get worse
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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 09:00 PM
  #33
I have been in the same exact situation as you, only it was 2 years of him not wanting a title of boyfriend/girlfriend, but him wanting all of the benefits of that title. Throughout us being together he would say that he didnt want anyone else, and he didnt want me to be with anyone else but I later found out that it was because he had still been with his "ex" the whole time we were together. We would go on dates, hangout almost every night, I would post pictures of him, he had met my family, but he still had managed to sneak around behind my back and have another woman. I suggest you guarding your heart and making sure there are no under lying things going.
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