Living with foreign in-laws

I'm used to being in control of my life but not it feels the exact opposite. This is a vent post.

I moved to a foreign country after a long long-distance relationship with my bf. I'm glad about the move, I like the country, its not so far from my home one anyway, only think I hate is the language - one really difficult to learn.

We've been living together in a rental flat for a year and it was fantastic. We've got engaged few months ago and bought a flat that needs few months of work before we can move in. For that time, it has been decided to move in with my fiancé's parents. I was never ok with that honestly, but it felt like a smart choice financially. We've been with them for 5 months now. It was fine at the beginning but now with every day I feel more and more hopeless. I can't communicate with the in laws cause we do not speak the same language. I am learning theirs but it is really, really difficult. I struggle. Itdo not enjoy it. I use to learn Spanish and I loved it. But with this language it's just feels like a lost cause.

The in laws are nice people and they try to make it work. My fiancé's sister who is a working professional lives too (not temporarily). I'm almost 30 and I've been independent and living one my own since I was 18, now I feel like a teenager again, not in control of my day, being told what to eat, interviewed why do I go out of the house, my job is being belittled (I sometimes do home office and have flexible hours, in laws dont consider it a real job). It seems like especially I can't make my MIL happy. I do not eat the fatty unhealthy food she cooks and she always take is so personally, even tho she knows I can't per doctors orders. When I make food for myself she says it makes her sad that I don't eat what she makes. Every time I go to the kitchen she scrutinises me. I used to absolutely love to cook but now I almost never do. I used to announce few days before that I will make dinner for everybody on a given day just so she doesn't get upset that I cook. But even then I could feel she doesn't like that I use her kitchen. My FIL is mordibly obese and I just can't watch like the whole family just stuffs unhealthy food on to him every day...

Another thing I can't stand is how the MIL is a server and the only house cleaner of the family. Both MIL and FIL are retired, yet FIL sits in front of the TV all day while MIL does all the work. The sister also does NOTHING. MIL serves her food like a waiter every time she comes back from work. I've been raised in a completely different household where everybody including my dad had to do chores so this situation is just driving me nuts. I was determined to help MIL but she told me many times not to. I come to kitchen to wash the dishes or whatever and she stores in tells me she will do it. I gave up after a while.

The sister is treated like a princess. She doesn't help in the house, never made as much as a sandwich for herself, has to be driven around even tho she has a driving license... I'm expected to postpone my plans with my fiancee cause he has to drive her somewhere where she could just take the metro!

I feel like the most petty person on the planet, *****ing about people who let me stay in their house for free. I can't talk to them. I can't explain what I want, what I do. I know I brought it upon myself by moving to a foreign country but damn, i was really dumb to agree to this living situation. Its affecting my relationship. My fiance is great and he understands my problems. He just says I need to get through few more months. I feel like I will snap before that. I'm the one sitting at a table at every Saturday lunch not understanding what they are talking about. The sister doesn't even talk to me at all and cuts the convo quickly when I try to engage (she speaks ok English). I feel out of control and it bothers me so much. I just stay in our room for most days after work and watch TV. All the things I love to do (ég taking long walks, planting herbs, joga) is gone now cause in laws think its weird and I can't stand all the judgemental looks and questions my bf gets on 'why is she doing this'. I just want to be left alone. I'm afraid I will alienate my fiance cause I already started blaming him for this situation. He is in charge of flat renovation since I can't talk to the workers cause of the language barrier. He is not in a rush at all. Every time I push him to do more or talk me through what's happening he says he's tired and overworked and will do it another time.

I don't know how to handle this anymore. I couldn't be in charge of my own birthday party for christs sake. I ended up eating nothing cause MIL served deep fried food that I can't eat. I don't want to fall into depression and ruin my relationship.

Sorry for my English, I'm not a native.

I'm so sorry you're hurting SO MUCH, corrida666! It DOES seem like a very difficult situation! I feel like the biggest problem here is that neither your boyfriends or his family seem to understand how much are you feeling uncomfortable in this situation! I DO believe communication is key in ANY serious relationship and he seems a little bit too dismissive of your feelings, which is NOT GOOD AT ALL! I'd suggest to to have a long and serious talk to your boyfriend about ALL of this and see how it goes from there! Make him understand exactly HOW MUCH uncomfortable are you feeling and that the problem is not only you being in a foreign country, but rather his family being rather judgemental f your own lifestyle! I DO believe it is a VERY IMPORTANT thing to talk about since this is the person that you want to spend your life with at some point, right? Just try to talk to him about ALL OF THIS! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! Hopefully you'll BOTH be able to find a soluton and reach a compromise! If he STILL doesn't understand you after talking through it, then I'm sorry to say that, but you may want to reconsider your relationship with him! I know it's hard, but your feelings are important and they MUST be taken into consideration! If he can't even understand that, then I'm not sure if he's really the right person for you! I hope that didn't sound too harsh! I didn't mean to! I just hope you understand what I'm getting at! You have EVERY RIGHT to stand up for yourself and make your voice heard! I'm sure there are ways to work around this although there are certain things you may have to endure! I'm REALLY HAPPY that this situation is only temporary at least! Let us know if you're able to reach an agreement with your boyfriend and his family and what you decide to do f you want to, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I certainly hope things will get better soon for you and that this situation will improve soon for you! Let us know how it goes because WE DO CARE! THAT'S A PROMISE! IT IS TRUE! IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE! WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR HEALING AND IN YOUR LIFE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your boyfriend, corrida666, and I HOPE THINGS WILL GET BETTER SOON FOR BOTH OF YOU! Your English was PERFECT by the way so PLEASE NEVER WORRY ABOUT THAT!

Thanks for sharing. You are really in a tough spot. I would feel frustrated and sad too. The language barrier alone is enough to make a person lonely.

You REALLY need to start your walks and yoga etc again ASAP. Seriously. That's all going to help with your mood and health. Stopping it is probably exacerbating your struggles. Who cares if they judge you? It's okay. They can think what they want.

Here's the real issue....fiance needs to step up. It's been 5 months for goodness sake! The situation seems all well and good for him but that's not okay. There are two people in this scenario. Why can't you two rent somewhere cheap until the place you bought is ready? You're both working. You saved money for 5 months. Why not move now? Your man is going to be a LOT more motivated to push for that renovation to finish if he is paying rent every month in the meantime. right?

You have made a HUGE sacrifice by leaving your country to be with him (I did that myself many years ago). That can put you in a weak position of being submissive all the time if you aren't careful. You really need to speak up for yourself. At this point, I think some demands are in order. No shouting or name-calling or anything like that. But "I love you. I came here to build a life with you. We are not able to do that while living under your parents' roof. I feel lonely and isolated. We need to work together here. Let's rent a place so we can have our own space and privacy until our home is ready. This is serious. I cannot keep going like this. Marriage is about working together and compromise. I am the only one who has made any compromises so far. You are going to lose me if we do not change our living situation asap"

You are a brave, strong, intelligent woman. Step up and insist on what you need and want in order to be happy. If he refuses, you need to think about whether you want a marriage like that....everything on his terms.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it!

Ps. your English is very good!

Sounds like a living hell to me. And I don't think moving to the renovated flat is going to fix everything either. I say that because I think your fiance is always going to be overly entwined with his family of origin. Maybe it's good you're seeing all this now prior to the wedding day. I believe you love this guy, but it seems like he holds all the cards. You feel powerless, which is no way to live.

Right now you have some leverage in this relationship because you can leave now more easily than you will be able to after the wedding. I know you are committed to him, but I think you need to renegotiate this relationship - now. This business of going to the new flat being put off and put off is baloney. He seems to not feel answerable to you at all. That's a bad precedent to let stand. He's training you to tolerate and suck up whatever plans he cares to make - that you have little part in making. Prepare for a lifetime of this kind of crap.

So you need to show you won't be played for a fool. Tell him you want to know exactly what's going on with the renovation of this flat. Ask for a move-in date. Then tell him that's not soon enough. Give him a sooner date. Tell him he must agree, or you will leave. Then be prepared to leave. It will be a showdown . . . a confrontation . . . but that's what is called for. He's got to make some kind of concession now, or you're going to be forever powerless in this relationship.

It may be that your fiance wants a totally compliant wife. It's not a happy way to live.

It's hard to think of fighting with someone you're in love with. It may be necessary, or your happiness may be put on the back burner from here on in.

Can you get more support from him and his family learning the language? Are you going to classes or doing conversation hours with someone you aren't related to? The way it stands, you are stuck relying on him for way more than you want to because you can't speak on your own behalf as effectively as you'd like. That's a huge independence killer and kind of leaves you trapped in this unpleasant situation.

I have a great private tutor that helped me lot. My skills actually improved significantly since we moved in with his family, so there is a silver lining I guess. That doesn't change the fact that I am nowhere near a conversational level. I know 3 languages and this 4th one is so far the most difficult one.

Thanks for the insights. Looking at my post now, I see at what a low point I was - we just came back from fabulous holidays back to the daily ****** situation etc.
At the same time, I don't wanna pretend everything is ok.

I had a talk with my fiancee a few days about the flat situation, we even made a shared excel so we can both keep track of stuff. In both our countries construction work takes super long (for many reasons) yet I'm sure it would be done quicker if I could handle it, it's just more hands on deck and I am naturally more pushy with this kind of things.

What you said about following the plans he made - flat situation aside, it used to happen a lot that the family or a people we'd be on holidays with just agree on sth and then he would ask me 'do you wanna do plan A?, I'd be like 'well, no' and he'd say 'oh everybody already agreed' (nr 1 reason we don't do holidays with only his friends anymore) - and I cut those situations quickly and he knows that I'm not falling for this kind of BS. It still happens, but def not on purpose (it happens that I non-intentionally do this kind of thing when we are in my country too, it's difficult to keep the only non-speaker involved in a group).

I think I need to communicate with him more... I'm not very good at it and my previous relationship died partly because of that. Now I'm much much better and learned from my mistakes but maybe I'm still not open enough to talk about my issues.

You're not just living with your in-laws, you are living with him. For this to work he has got to be sticking up for and including you.