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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 04:17 PM
  #1
I think the same pattern is happening with me and relationships. I made friends with somebody last year and while I have been very careful about boundaries and my privacy.... I see a pattern developing. I find myself being the listener and the helper and it’s minimally reciprocated. It’s not extreme like it has been with me and past friendships but I do see the pattern. I wonder why that is? What am I supposed to do... not ever offer a listening ear or support to anybody?
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 04:35 PM
  #2
Story of my life Sisabel! Best I can suggest is that you focus on fun hobbies or tasks with your friend. See a movie. Check out an art exhibit or a play. Paint pubs are popular these days. Something where you two share a nice eve but there's no real opportunity for confiding and advice-giving etc.

Someone suggested to me that my issue is the friends I choose. They are needy...seeking help. Maybe you need to step back and see if you can go about choosing strong friends. People who don't need help. People who enjoy life and want to share fun with you.

Maybe that would help??
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 04:40 PM
  #3
Can I ask, how did you meet these folks where you see the same pattern?

About that pattern, I hear you; I have had this problem myself in a lot of friendships over the years. Some about drove me crazy because they're talking about their problems frustrated me. They didn't want to try new things to see if that helped; they vented and I can only take so much being vented at.

Nowadays, the friends I spend the most time around (online because I have been practically housebound because of my health for so many years) are friends I have made through playing online games. We have so much fun!! And they are simple people, devoted to their families and some I have been friends with for over 10 years now. And we haven't met in person. All of them are on my Facebook account, so we keep up with one another also besides our gaming.

So, what do you think about that? Do you have an activity you like to do where you can meet new people who have common interests?

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 05:03 PM
  #4
I share your pain. I am in the same boat. I befriended a person and then she took over my life. Now I don't really know how to extricate myself from her.

She constantly blows through my boundaries and doesn't seem to recognize they matter. When I put my foot down and tell her firmly not to walk into my office without knocking, and getting a "come in" she throws a hiss fit.

90% of all conversations are about her.

Everything I want is "silly"

I truly think that when you are a good friend people start taking advantage. The sad part is that there is no way to avoid this.. you have to be friendly with people... and then SOME people take it too far... and you can't really get away from them too easily.

I work with my person so there is only so far I can go to try to be rude. I now try to work away from my office a lot.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 05:13 PM
  #5
I also find myself being the listener and helper and not having it reciprocated. One person who I spent close to $1000 trying to help got mad when I tried to set some boundaries. She texted me and called me the C word as well as other stuff that might be triggering to people. I promptly blocked her. Luckily I haven't seen her since. As far as breaking the pattern of being the helper, I honestly don't know how.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 05:14 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sisabel View Post
I find myself being the listener and the helper and it’s minimally reciprocated.
What do you mean by "minimally reciprocated"? They only listen for so long? They try to make every conversation about themselves? They offer some advice, but don't really help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
you have to be friendly with people... and then SOME people take it too far... and you can't really get away from them too easily.
You don't have to be friendly with people. Once someone starts getting pushy with me, I see no reason to continue the "friendly facade."
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 05:16 PM
  #7
Well. Here’s a thought. Maybe I’m not as good a listener as I think I am? Maybe I don’t offer the empathy and advice that I think I do? Maybe my friendships are more of a reflection of myself than I think. I don’t know. But I will say this... I do spend more time, in general, responding to other people’s texts and not getting responses back when I text. Or gradually I end up becoming more and more of a listener when things didn’t start out that way. I’ll look at my own behaviors more closely though. I’m doing something that doesn’t make for good friendships...
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 05:39 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Sisabel View Post
Well. Here’s a thought. Maybe I’m not as good a listener as I think I am? Maybe I don’t offer the empathy and advice that I think I do? Maybe my friendships are more of a reflection of myself than I think. I don’t know. But I will say this... I do spend more time, in general, responding to other people’s texts and not getting responses back when I text. Or gradually I end up becoming more and more of a listener when things didn’t start out that way. I’ll look at my own behaviors more closely though. I’m doing something that doesn’t make for good friendships...
I think you are being too hard on yourself Sisabel. If you find a few friends with healthy self-esteem, they won't be on at you all the time to listen or help....they'll just want to hang and have fun. I don't think the problem is you but the nature of the people you are befriending. Think about it. You could be the best listener and helper in the world but if that person is an emotional mess, they will never be able to reciprocate...thus you are always the giver. But that's not the case with everyone.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 05:40 PM
  #9
You don't have to be friendly with people. Once someone starts getting pushy with me, I see no reason to continue the "friendly facade."[/QUOTE]

I agree Theoretical. Very much so.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 05:42 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
I also find myself being the listener and helper and not having it reciprocated. One person who I spent close to $1000 trying to help got mad when I tried to set some boundaries. She texted me and called me the C word as well as other stuff that might be triggering to people. I promptly blocked her. Luckily I haven't seen her since. As far as breaking the pattern of being the helper, I honestly don't know how.
Oh my goodness DownandLonely! I am so sorry that happened to you. I would never ask a friend for such a sum. Not even a family member. I'm so glad that person is no longer in your life.

As far as ending the cycle of being the "helper," I don't think it's very complicated. Just stop helping. We can be pleasant and respectful without actively helping others. Then the people who stick around will be balanced folks who don't look to us for help.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:00 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
I also find myself being the listener and helper and not having it reciprocated. One person who I spent close to $1000 trying to help got mad when I tried to set some boundaries. She texted me and called me the C word as well as other stuff that might be triggering to people. I promptly blocked her. Luckily I haven't seen her since. As far as breaking the pattern of being the helper, I honestly don't know how.
I would be cautious about spending money, any money, on a friend. That would be a good start to breaking a pattern of being a helper in my view.

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:07 PM
  #12
I've treated lots of friends to dinner or drinks. They have treated me too from time to time. Maybe it depends on the scale? One friend just had less money than me to spare so if we went to the cinema or something I was always happy to pay for her ticket. She never asked; I offered. She was a very good and loving friend. We just hardly ever see each other because she went back to her husband who is abusive and controlling. Nothing wrong with generosity. Maybe cautious generosity?
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:16 PM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
I share your pain. I am in the same boat. I befriended a person and then she took over my life. Now I don't really know how to extricate myself from her.


She constantly blows through my boundaries and doesn't seem to recognize they matter. When I put my foot down and tell her firmly not to walk into my office without knocking, and getting a "come in" she throws a hiss fit.


90% of all conversations are about her.


Everything I want is "silly"


I truly think that when you are a good friend people start taking advantage. The sad part is that there is no way to avoid this.. you have to be friendly with people... and then SOME people take it too far... and you can't really get away from them too easily.


I work with my person so there is only so far I can go to try to be rude. I now try to work away from my office a lot.


I worked with someone like that not too long ago. I befriended her before we worked together and after I had to work with her I realized I made a huge mistake. I was so relieved when she transferred out. I was very nice to this person and she was really ugly - in a passive aggressive kind of way. Ugh. Those people suck the air out of a room when they walk in it.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:18 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Story of my life Sisabel! Best I can suggest is that you focus on fun hobbies or tasks with your friend. See a movie. Check out an art exhibit or a play. Paint pubs are popular these days. Something where you two share a nice eve but there's no real opportunity for confiding and advice-giving etc.


Someone suggested to me that my issue is the friends I choose. They are needy...seeking help. Maybe you need to step back and see if you can go about choosing strong friends. People who don't need help. People who enjoy life and want to share fun with you.


Maybe that would help??


You and I have had this discussion before. I keep thinking you would be such a nice friend IRL and I would hope that I wouldn’t be needy and inconsiderate of you. Yes, I am working on what you have suggested. I am finding my own interests and spending time with people that way. I’m trying hard not to let my friendships turn into venting sessions.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:21 PM
  #15
I meant spending money to help them with their problems. I didn't mean treating to the dinner or movies or social things like that.

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:27 PM
  #16
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I meant spending money to help them with their problems. I didn't mean treating to the dinner or movies or social things like that.
Oh I know. I wasn't trying to suggest otherwise. I was just sharing some of my experiences.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:29 PM
  #17
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Originally Posted by Sisabel View Post
You and I have had this discussion before. I keep thinking you would be such a nice friend IRL and I would hope that I wouldn’t be needy and inconsiderate of you. Yes, I am working on what you have suggested. I am finding my own interests and spending time with people that way. I’m trying hard not to let my friendships turn into venting sessions.
Easier said than done, right? I keep thinking, when I venture out to make new friends (not quite brave enough yet, had a few losses and disappointments in the last couple of years) what am I actually going to talk about? How long can I maintain a conversation without getting into anything "real?" Know what I mean?
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:44 PM
  #18
I believe in you Sisabel! You are making healthy changes. It takes time and there could be a few natural bumps along the way but I think your efforts will pay off for you in time. Also, I want to commend your courage! I currently lack such courage. Had a trauma not too long ago, friends disappeared, and I put up my walls. I rarely talk to anyone other than my other half and PC folks now. I just mention because I admire your resilience and tenacity. I can't really complain because I gave up on the idea of offline friendship several months ago. I haven't given up forever but I'm being honest that I just don't have the courage or strength to try again now. So, by contrast Sisabel, I think you should really be giving yourself credit for your latest efforts. You can't win if you're not in...as they say
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:46 PM
  #19
Sisabel,
I think you should join us on SilverTrees 3000 questions thread. I am guilty of liking to talk about myself and that thread is all about talking about yourself. I would be interested in seeing your responses.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:49 PM
  #20
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Easier said than done, right? I keep thinking, when I venture out to make new friends (not quite brave enough yet, had a few losses and disappointments in the last couple of years) what am I actually going to talk about? How long can I maintain a conversation without getting into anything "real?" Know what I mean?
Yes, can be hard when what you are used to talking about is depression, getting triggered by relationships and the like. If you brought that stuff up with a new IRL acquaintence, they might run for the hills.
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