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saidso
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 04:52 AM
  #41
Sisabel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seems to me that blaming either yourself or other people is counter-productive.
We all sometimes need other people to be a certain way to fit our needs, huh!? And they often don't fit our needs exactly.

I wonder if sometimes it's doing therapy that makes people unhappy because they expect so much from other human beings. To me life is a huge messy goldfish bowl of personalities. It's a jungle where sometimes I find food and sometimes I find tigers. Unpredictable.

I work more on acceptance and on my reactions to other people than on obsessing about my needs. Yes assertiveness is also something that I need to work on a lot. I just don't think therapy is a good model for friendship. So far as I can see friendship is a whole lot more random than the therapy hour.

I get all the nasties that people report here on PC. I got a huge nasty from someone yesterday, but I also got angry with another person when if I wasn't so tired I would have been calmer.

When I step back from my reactions, even the worst nasties can be explainable by other people's overloaded and stressful lives. Still freaks me out and makes me shake all over BUT I find total strangers out there in the world who love to laugh and be companionable.

I think like Happy Crafter says, the way forward for me is to share pleasurable things as much as I can. That gives me and other people the opportunity to balance out our reactions to unpleasant experiences.

Preach sister - laughing at myself - I woke up with "ants" in my head and now I hear myself "preaching". Sigh!

Actually, by writing this I've helped my own self to calm down and appreciate the good stuff . I'm moving home on Wednesday!

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 10:24 AM
  #42
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Originally Posted by Sisabel View Post
I think the same pattern is happening with me and relationships. I made friends with somebody last year and while I have been very careful about boundaries and my privacy.... I see a pattern developing. I find myself being the listener and the helper and it’s minimally reciprocated. It’s not extreme like it has been with me and past friendships but I do see the pattern. I wonder why that is? What am I supposed to do... not ever offer a listening ear or support to anybody?

Maybe you ARE a good listener and are empathetic, so those who need and want an ear are prone to being attracted to you?

I have learned to set limits on the support I can provide, OR I change the subject making it clear that I don't want to engage in that topic, OR I simply exit politely and say I need to take care of something else.

People will talk your ear off as long as you allow them to....

so, when it happens, it's good practice to set limits and either state indirectly or directly that you don't wish to talk about it at length.

I have a very close girlfriend who used to do that to me, whenever I started to go down the path of talking endlessly about this toxic boyfriend or that toxic boyfriend, and whatever relationship turmoil I was in at the time. She knew how to handle it very well! She would give me validation and her compassion, she would give me five or so minutes of her time and attention, then she would cut the conversation short and would tell me she needed to go..... so, she set limits with me, and I didn't even realize it until years later that that's what she was doing, lol.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 06:28 PM
  #43
Preach sister - laughing at myself - I woke up with "ants" in my head and now I hear myself "preaching". Sigh!



Actually, by writing this I've helped my own self to calm down and appreciate the good stuff . I'm moving home on Wednesday!


Saidso[/QUOTE]

I’m glad this conversation helped you too. That’s what I love about PC. We can join the conversations we choose. We can say a lot or we can say a little. Preach away sister! I really appreciate it. Best of luck with your move. It seems to be happening again
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 06:29 PM
  #44
Oh good grief. I tried to cut and paste some stuff. Mainly the quotes that I responded to and I’ve made a mess of this thread. Ugh.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 06:32 PM
  #45
@Sisabel, it looks like your response to my post got cut off somehow... maybe it's another tech glitch.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 06:32 PM
  #46
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Maybe you ARE a good listener and are empathetic, so those who need and want an ear are prone to being attracted to you?

I have learned to set limits on the support I can provide, OR I change the subject making it clear that I don't want to engage in that topic, OR I simply exit politely and say I need to take care of something else.

People will talk your ear off as long as you allow them to....

so, when it happens, it's good practice to set limits and either state indirectly or directly that you don't wish to talk about it at length.

.


So here’s an idea I have for setting limits and giving myself space. When I find myself frustrated, I can take time away from the person. Maybe just a few days or maybe a few weeks. I’ll need to remember that my red flag is my own frustration and irritation. That’s my cue to retreat for a bit. It seems to be happening again
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 06:34 PM
  #47
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@Sisabel, it looks like your response to my post got cut off somehow... maybe it's another tech glitch.


No. I’m the glitch. Lol. I was trying to cut and paste specific parts to your post.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 06:37 PM
  #48
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So here’s an idea I have for setting limits and giving myself space. When I find myself frustrated, I can take time away from the person. Maybe just a few days or maybe a few weeks. I’ll need to remember that my red flag is my own frustration and irritation. That’s my cue to retreat for a bit. It seems to be happening again

That's a great idea. I am doing that with a long-time gf who overstepped the boundaries with me... I am avoiding her for a while now instead!

Space always can help. Setting limits during the conversation is also a good idea... just sayin'.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 06:37 PM
  #49
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No. I’m the glitch. Lol. I was trying to cut and paste specific parts to your post.

Lol... awwwww
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 08:02 PM
  #50
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So here’s an idea I have for setting limits and giving myself space. When I find myself frustrated, I can take time away from the person. Maybe just a few days or maybe a few weeks. I’ll need to remember that my red flag is my own frustration and irritation. That’s my cue to retreat for a bit. It seems to be happening again
This is a very good idea also for me. It's really important to recognize that one's red flags are often how one feels and does not necessitate figuring out another persons intentions. It's about respecting one's own boundaries. I am also getting better at limiting certain types of conversations.

I find it is hard to change a pattern in a friendship once that pattern has been established. It is easier to set limits up front.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 02:07 AM
  #51
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It's really important to recognize that one's red flags are often how one feels and does not necessitate figuring out another persons intentions. It's about respecting one's own boundaries.
I have been having to do this as well so I don't have another breakdown. I have learned a lot about setting boundaries during the past year. Though I know it is necessary for my sanity, I feel guilty about not doing more for people I set the boundaries with. It is easy to walk away from people who you have no (or less intense) emotional ties with but so hard to do when it involves people we really love. Love is so strange because the people I love most are the ones who can hurt me the most--even when they are very good people who care about me.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:40 AM
  #52
I have the same pattern. It's better now than it used to be, but I still find myself slipping into that listener role. Part of it is that I don't like to talk about myself which leaves a vacuum someone has to fill, I guess. Do you notice that at all?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 08:14 AM
  #53
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I have the same pattern. It's better now than it used to be, but I still find myself slipping into that listener role. Part of it is that I don't like to talk about myself which leaves a vacuum someone has to fill, I guess. Do you notice that at all?


Yes I do. I’m very private and I’m pretty quiet. That does create a space for another person to fill and then I’m frustrated later at the crowding of my space. So maybe we like that quiet empty space and taking time away from people here and there can help us to get that space back.
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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 05:31 AM
  #54
In the past year I've become quite close to someone who also enjoys that empty space and it's been fun. We meet up to volunteer but work at our tasks individually with a break or two for chatting. I feel like I don't encounter a lot of people like this, probably because we're all busy doing stuff on our own
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 01:35 PM
  #55
Yes, I like that phrase "empty space". It's how I recharge after being social. Important to make time for it.

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