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Codep
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 08:01 AM
  #1
I am afraid that I will never fully experience what true intimacy is.

I am 34 years old and have had relationships in my past. Even an 8 year relationship which gave me 2 children but I still don’t feel as though I know what real intimacy is. I have always sabotaged any chance of intimacy and in all honesty, I find it extremely uncomfortable when a relationship becomes close to growing an intimate bond. This bring the case, I still yearn to know someone this deeply and to be known this way by another.

I want to be seen and heard on this deep level but it’s as if I am hopelessly adverse to it 😕
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 04:13 PM
  #2
I don't know for sure what to say. I would love to be intimate but it seems that's not going to happen. I wish I had some friends/a friend someone to enjoy that with. Do you have that at least?
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 04:59 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Codep View Post
...but I still don’t feel as though I know what real intimacy is.
We have that in common, although I have little desire for it.

If you have a desire for connection, what seems to be preventing it? When, specifically, do you start to feel uncomfortable?
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by not4me256 View Post
I don't know for sure what to say. I would love to be intimate but it seems that's not going to happen. I wish I had some friends/a friend someone to enjoy that with. Do you have that at least?
I have a couple friends but i always keep them at an arms length. I don’t allow myself to fully trust anyone
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 09:00 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
We have that in common, although I have little desire for it.

If you have a desire for connection, what seems to be preventing it? When, specifically, do you start to feel uncomfortable?
There is probably a lot of things I don’t even realize I do that sabotage it. I don’t know why but when someone starts expressing a genuine interest to get to know me I automatically assume they are trying to manipulate me for sex or to use me some other way. I always assume insidious intentions.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 09:03 PM
  #6
Have you tried discussing your discomfort with intimacy with a therapist?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 12:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Codep View Post
There is probably a lot of things I donÂ’t even realize I do that sabotage it. I donÂ’t know why but when someone starts expressing a genuine interest to get to know me I automatically assume they are trying to manipulate me for sex or to use me some other way. I always assume insidious intentions.
Have you been manipulated in the past, or otherwise felt betrayed in a close relationship, and not dealt with it? I know that sounds like something obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we fail to recognize these things in our own lives, or fail to understand how deeply it affects our beliefs and behavior.

This might sound hypocritical coming from someone like me, but most people aren't manipulative.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 09:22 AM
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Have you been manipulated in the past, or otherwise felt betrayed in a close relationship, and not dealt with it? I know that sounds like something obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we fail to recognize these things in our own lives, or fail to understand how deeply it affects our beliefs and behavior.

This might sound hypocritical coming from someone like me, but most people aren't manipulative.

My 8 year relationship ended with some pretty major betrayal and abandonment. I was left for another woman when I was 2 weeks away from having our second child. It was absolutely traumatizing. So yes, there is definitely some unresolved issues from that. Which was 3.5 years ago. But I feel like my problems with intimacy go back even further than that even. But since then have most definitely gotten worse.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 12:27 PM
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My 8 year relationship ended with some pretty major betrayal and abandonment. I was left for another woman when I was 2 weeks away from having our second child. It was absolutely traumatizing. So yes, there is definitely some unresolved issues from that. Which was 3.5 years ago. But I feel like my problems with intimacy go back even further than that even. But since then have most definitely gotten worse.
Yeah, that'd definitely do it. Have you talked with anyone about this?

When you're in a relationship and you begin to feel the urge to sabotage it to protect yourself from future pain, instead tell your partner about your break-up and how it affected you. This isn't so much about them, and you're not asking them to alleviate your fears or anything like that. It's more about you learning to express your feelings in a healthier way. Let your feelings be known so they don't get bottled up, and then spill over in forms of unconscious sabotage.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 10:14 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Codep View Post
I am afraid that I will never fully experience what true intimacy is.

I am 34 years old and have had relationships in my past. Even an 8 year relationship which gave me 2 children but I still don’t feel as though I know what real intimacy is. I have always sabotaged any chance of intimacy and in all honesty, I find it extremely uncomfortable when a relationship becomes close to growing an intimate bond. This bring the case, I still yearn to know someone this deeply and to be known this way by another.

I want to be seen and heard on this deep level but it’s as if I am hopelessly adverse to it 😕
ok heres the thing in this post you say you have 2 children... if you google the word intimacy you will find that its defined as having sex. being close to each other ie holding hands, snuggling on the sofa while watching tv, being friends with someone special, ....

my point is you cared about this person so much that you created two children, (unless of course these two children are the result of a one night stand where you met up had sex and went your own ways)

let me give you some examples of intimacy in my wifes and my relationship....

my wife and I go out to dinner. its not macdonalds its a sit down order from a waitress/ waiter and we talk together about anything other than the children and work. its adult time just her and I enjoying a good meal and good conversation. I may happen to notice how the candles look on her face and give her a compliment. She may notice I have a new dress on and tell me what she thinks of how it looks on me. we sometimes hold hands across the table while enjoying the entertainment going on over there.

another example of intimacy.. my wife and I enjoying a good book together with out the children climbing into bed with us.

another example of course is taking our time enjoying our sex life.

intimacy just means showing someone you care about them, spending time with them, it isnt this big mysterious, got to find some deep feelings.

bottom line is you feel what ever you feel in a relationship, its not something you learn or have to dig to find. feelings just are just like you found what ever feelings you had for her during those moments that you had sex and ended up creating two children. you probably didnt plan that first moment it just happened.thats how feelings work even in intimate moments when two people are alone together spending time together and showing each other that they want to spend time together, want the best for each other...

my point is if your body and mind didnt have intimate feelings for this person you wouldnt have created two children and wouldnt still be with this person.

Im wondering if maybe you are trying too hard. sometimes when people try too hard to make their self feel something it sabotages and you end up feeling nothing instead.

my suggestion is think of an activity that you and this person have in common that you both enjoy, then go do it and let the feelings happen as they naturally will.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 11:28 PM
  #11
"my point is if your body and mind didnt have intimate feelings for this person you wouldnt have created two children and wouldnt still be with this person."

This may be true for some people but it does not make it true for everyone. Lots of humans go through their lives feeling empty or disconnected from everyone around them. Lots of people have attachment disorders. Lots of people experience trauma and abuse in childhood, or adulthood, and the very idea of true emotional intimacy becomes terrifying. To suggest that anyone who had sex and conceived two children must have felt true intimacy, even though they clearly stated they did not, is just not realistic. Sex can be a mechanical act for some folks. So can making someone a meal or asking them about their day. Going through the motions of activities of daily living is not the same as truly and deeply feeling connected to others. Some women give birth and feel zero attachment to their child. Some fathers feel thoroughly disconnected from their spouse and their children. Lots of adults remain in cold or miserable relationships without feeling any true intimacy with their partner.

I cannot possibly know how someone else feels because I am not living in their mind, body, and spirit.

The human condition is much more complex than dictionary definitions.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 11:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Codep View Post
My 8 year relationship ended with some pretty major betrayal and abandonment. I was left for another woman when I was 2 weeks away from having our second child. It was absolutely traumatizing. So yes, there is definitely some unresolved issues from that. Which was 3.5 years ago. But I feel like my problems with intimacy go back even further than that even. But since then have most definitely gotten worse.
Oh Codep, how awful for you! I can only imagine how traumatic that was. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Our feelings around intimacy often stem from our early attachments in childhood....to our mother and father. How were those relationships for you? Does that resonate at all? Any disconnects there?
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 10:56 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
"my point is if your body and mind didnt have intimate feelings for this person you wouldnt have created two children and wouldnt still be with this person."

This may be true for some people but it does not make it true for everyone. Lots of humans go through their lives feeling empty or disconnected from everyone around them. Lots of people have attachment disorders. Lots of people experience trauma and abuse in childhood, or adulthood, and the very idea of true emotional intimacy becomes terrifying. To suggest that anyone who had sex and conceived two children must have felt true intimacy, even though they clearly stated they did not, is just not realistic. Sex can be a mechanical act for some folks. So can making someone a meal or asking them about their day. Going through the motions of activities of daily living is not the same as truly and deeply feeling connected to others. Some women give birth and feel zero attachment to their child. Some fathers feel thoroughly disconnected from their spouse and their children. Lots of adults remain in cold or miserable relationships without feeling any true intimacy with their partner.

I cannot possibly know how someone else feels because I am not living in their mind, body, and spirit.

The human condition is much more complex than dictionary definitions.
yes thank you. but I was talking about what led up to having sex in order to making those two children... having children happens because a person has sex or they use IVF, both situations a person has to have some sort of caring for each other. unless it was a one night stand you go out and purchase time or in that moment cared and wanted to have sex with some one.

my point of my post was that intimacy is about feelings and feelings just are, either you cared enough to hold someones hand, cared enough to go to bed with them and create a child or you didnt in which case why would someone have sex with someone that they didnt care about and have 2 children with and still be with them if they didnt have some amount of caring for that person. people dont stay with people that they hate or have no feelings for. people dont just bed down with people they dont care for, and create children with...

my point was to show that feelings of intimacy isnt all about looking for the feelings, its what you do for someone, its showing how you enjoy being with someone, its about taking time to spend time with someone.

its taking time to listen to someone, hold their hand, give them a compliment, have sex with them, have children with them, have a meal with them, watch a movie with them, ....

I bet if everyone re read their own posts they will find many examples of intimacy in their lives. whether its for their self or for another person. I mean we have have to have some amount of caring and respect inside of us otherwise why are we posting, why are we replying to others, what is it about posting that we are gaining from doing so, what is it about anothers post that causes us to want to reply. I dont know about everyone else but I have a sense of caring and wanting whats right for myself and others. I have feelings for those that I reply to, granted those feelings are not like what I feel for my wife but thats what intimacy is, its caring and wanting whats best for another, and how you show it to those you care and want the best for.
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 06:06 PM
  #14
@Codep

May I ask if you ever discussed your lack of true intimacy with a therapist? I think that could be really helpful and cathartic...to do some digging about the cause...if that makes sense. You have my empathy...can be very alienating to engage with others while never truly feeling understood and connected.
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 10:08 PM
  #15
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Have you tried discussing your discomfort with intimacy with a therapist?
I echo this suggestion. This is one area therapists are often quite good with (if they are competent, creative and intelligent)

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