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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:24 AM
  #41
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Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
You're missing the point. There is no quick fix. It sounds like you are looking for a quick fix.
I am frustrated with myself and with this process.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:25 AM
  #42
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
“my self-esteem has suffered a huge blow... and that's at the root of this.”

That’s precisely it. I can assure you that you will eventually stop reeling from this. For those of us who ruminate, we do eventually find our own closure and move on. When you cut your skin, it eventually heals. So does your heart and mind. Some of us take longer than others.
Thank you. Yes I know you’re right. It’s been two years.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:26 AM
  #43
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
Thank you. Yes I know you’re right. It’s been two years.
I’m ashamed to say how long it took me. But it did eventually heal. I am convinced the body is built to heal.

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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:29 AM
  #44
Yeah I hear you!!! For me, this was one of the worst relationships of my life. That and another abuser from whom I literally had to flee for my safety.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:30 AM
  #45
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
Thank you. Yes I know you’re right. It’s been two years.
What do you think you're missing that would help you make peace with this? Do you need some sort of closure with him?
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:37 AM
  #46
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
What do you think you're missing that would help you make peace with this? Do you need some sort of closure with him?
And therein lies the golden question! I would love to hear him tell me he was lying when he said he loved his other ex more. But I know I will never get that from him.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:38 AM
  #47
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
And therein lies the golden question! I would love to hear him tell me he was lying when he said he loved his other ex more. But I know I will never get that from him.
Why do you think you need to hear that? What would it change?
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:41 AM
  #48
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
Why do you think you need to hear that? What would it change?
My self esteem. It matters for my self esteem. Otherwise I bent over backwards helping someone who loved me a lot less than I knew of or thought.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:45 AM
  #49
It also means I got engaged to someone who didn’t truly love me? It makes the engagement a joke.. a joke on me. It makes me look like the total fool. I already am but that’s far worse.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:50 AM
  #50
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
My self esteem. It matters for my self esteem. Otherwise I bent over backwards helping someone who loved me a lot less than I knew of or thought.
And therein lies the rub. You're tying your own self-worth to someone else's feelings towards you, effectively handing over control to someone who, by all accounts, sounds like a narcissist.

Whether or not he truly loved you wouldn't have any bearing at all on who you are. You helped him and cared for him because you're a good person. He couldn't see that, and he lost his chance with you. That's all on him.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 11:50 AM
  #51
For me, it is just how my brain works. I have never had an issue with regret, and grudges. Eventually my disappointment or anger wears off. However, I have never met someone that did something truly atrocious.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 12:00 PM
  #52
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
And therein lies the rub. You're tying your own self-worth to someone else's feelings towards you, effectively handing over control to someone who, by all accounts, sounds like a narcissist.

Whether or not he truly loved you wouldn't have any bearing at all on who you are. You helped him and cared for him because you're a good person. He couldn't see that, and he lost his chance with you. That's all on him.
Thank you. Yes I believe you are completely correct! He couldn’t appreciate me.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 12:56 PM
  #53
You can refer to your own thread, “Value and Self-worth Do Not Depend on How Others Treat You, Especially Abusers”. . You are going around in circles on this.

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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 01:49 PM
  #54
I really don’t know what forgiveness is. For me it’s just a gradual letting go of the anger over time. That’s the best I’ve been able to do.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 03:51 PM
  #55
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
And therein lies the rub. You're tying your own self-worth to someone else's feelings towards you, effectively handing over control to someone who, by all accounts, sounds like a narcissist.

Whether or not he truly loved you wouldn't have any bearing at all on who you are. You helped him and cared for him because you're a good person. He couldn't see that, and he lost his chance with you. That's all on him.
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
You can refer to your own thread, “Value and Self-worth Do Not Depend on How Others Treat You, Especially Abusers”. . You are going around in circles on this.
Indicative of my emotional state!!!!!
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 04:49 PM
  #56
@TishaBuv, sorry, i wasn’t yelling at you .. I realize how that sounded.. just emphasizing that I’ve been a mess over it. Yes perhaps going in circles.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 05:09 PM
  #57
I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to not tie my feelings of self worth to someone I loved who tried to squash it.

Last edited by Anonymous40643; Jun 24, 2019 at 05:36 PM..
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 05:41 PM
  #58
Maybe there is no fixing me. Maybe I’m just broken after that relationship.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 05:50 PM
  #59
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to not tie my feelings of self worth to someone who tried to squash it.
Isn't that what it really comes down to? You feel like you should know, but you don't. You feel like you should be above this, but you're not, it doesn't go away. Isn't that just a way of trying to deny how it feels? Aren't you just trying to tell yourself, well fine, if he says he didn't love me, then I didn't love him either?

It's OK not to know. To be hurt is to be human, you don't always have to be above it and a lot of times you can't. This is where you really have to be gentle with, and patient with yourself.

Hang in there...
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 05:53 PM
  #60
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Originally Posted by magicalprince View Post
Isn't that what it really comes down to? You feel like you should know, but you don't. You feel like you should be above this, but you're not, it doesn't go away. Isn't that just a way of trying to deny how it feels? Aren't you just trying to tell yourself, well fine, if he says he didn't love me, then I didn't love him either?

It's OK not to know. To be hurt is to be human, you don't always have to be above it and a lot of times you can't. This is where you really have to be gentle with, and patient with yourself.

Hang in there...
Well, yes, and no... I mean, I don't say to myself that I never loved him. What I have said to myself is I fell in love with the false and wonderful facade he presented of himself... then when I learned who he really is, I wasn't happy with him whatsoever, and I most certainly wasn't in love with the real him.

But yeah, he still was able to break a part of me pretty good. It's been very hard to fully recover from.... I have healed quite a bit, but I am not fully there.

And thank you.
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