advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
AspiringAuthor
Veteran Member
AspiringAuthor has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: Mountain View
Posts: 629
5 yr Member
374 hugs
given
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 01:08 AM
  #61
Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I guess I overstated in my original post. Forgiveness to me means letting go of the anger and pain I feel as a result. Or perhaps mainly the anger and outrage. . I cannot let go of the anger and pain of an abusive relationship. To me it was atrocious and inhuman. To me he’s a monster. I just cannot get over it. No matter what I think or do.
What do you think the monster would think if he learned of your recent professional successes?

__________________
Bipolar I w/Psychotic features

Zyprexa Zydis 5 mg
Gabapentin 1200 mg
Melatonin 10 mg
Levoxyl 75 mcg (because I took Lithium in the past)


past medications: Depakote, Lamictal, Lithium, Seroquel, Trazodone, Risperdal, Cogentin, Remerol, Prozac, Amitriptyline, Ambien, Lorazepam, Klonopin, Saphris, Trileptal, Clozapine and Clozapine+Wellbutrin, Topamax
AspiringAuthor is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 05:14 AM
  #62
Quote:
Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor View Post
What do you think the monster would think if he learned of your recent professional successes?
@AspiringAuthor, that's a great question! He'd probably be very proud of me.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
AspiringAuthor
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 06:01 AM
  #63
And that's also what gets me. This guy mooches off of his family and has for YEARS, he barely works when he is perfectly capable of working, he lives at home still and is online counseling people about drug use 24/7. He's a LOSER, in my mind.

He was a loser when he lived with me. He could have gotten a job in a heartbeat, yet chose to mooch off of me instead for four months. He didn't want to work. Or rather, he felt the jobs available were too far beneath him, so he refused to "stoop" to that level. Well, I started at the bottom as a receptionist, yet he cannot fathom being in a lowly food service job (that's HIS viewpoint, not mine).

And here he thinks he's all that? Where he can just lay on me that he loved his other ex more? When I was probably the best woman he will ever meet in his life? I treated him SO well. I gave him EVERYTHING. I was honest and faithful, even from a distance and even when other men hit on me and blatantly wanted me to sleep with them. He complained that every other girlfriend had cheated on him.

He thinks he's the cat's meow. Well, he's not. And I am far beyond him in many many ways. That is not ego talking... it's simply factual. I am far more motivated, ambitious and self-sufficient, he's not. I don't mooch off people and I am not irresponsible like he is. He has hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical debt... yet, he sits around online all day long, mooching off his poor grandparents while he does drugs in their house, most likely unbeknownst to them. They had kicked him out previously because of drug use and addiction.

He is going nowhere in life. I would at least have some amount of respect for the guy if he got his life together, moved out and got a full time job like he is perfectly capable of doing. And he probably thinks he's all that because he's now counseling people on responsible recreational drug use. Yeah, some life that is....

So why should I be upset over some LOSER that I happened to get engaged to? It was a total joke! It might as well have been on the 90-day fiance show. What a sh.it show that was. I shouldn't even take it seriously.

So why have I? I took it seriously then... but why should I now? What a vast MISTAKE. Yes, I have deep regrets. It's the only regret I have in my entire 48 years of life. What a total joke!
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
AspiringAuthor
Veteran Member
AspiringAuthor has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: Mountain View
Posts: 629
5 yr Member
374 hugs
given
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 10:24 AM
  #64
Oh my goodness, Golden Eve, that is a lot of perfectionism speaking - the only regret in your entire 48 years of life! By the way, I am also 48 and have been with men who mooched off of me, but at a larger scale and for a longer time. I currently pay ex husband who was able to qualify for social security and disability for, he claims, back pain, while he is an elite runner, and I pay more than 50% of my salary to him while having a life-threatening bipolar disorder. I liked your expression: mooching off. Look, Golden Eve, there are two unrelated issues. One is your feelings about him. These can be expressed in a letter that you would draft, addressing him, but not necessarily sending to him. "Unlike you, I never considered any job beneath me, and look, having started off as a receptionist, I am now [your current title]. And I support myself and was able to support you. And look at you - what would you be doing if not for your generous grandparents".

The other, far greater issue, concerns your perfectionism and exacting standards. That issue would require a change of perspective on your side, but that would allow for a far better experience of living. Please read up on "growth mindset" and on how taking risks and making mistakes are both a necessary part of lived experience and our growth as humans on Earth. You do not need to punish yourself with these perfectionist thoughts. They are not a necessary part of the internal dialogue.

__________________
Bipolar I w/Psychotic features

Zyprexa Zydis 5 mg
Gabapentin 1200 mg
Melatonin 10 mg
Levoxyl 75 mcg (because I took Lithium in the past)


past medications: Depakote, Lamictal, Lithium, Seroquel, Trazodone, Risperdal, Cogentin, Remerol, Prozac, Amitriptyline, Ambien, Lorazepam, Klonopin, Saphris, Trileptal, Clozapine and Clozapine+Wellbutrin, Topamax
AspiringAuthor is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 02:07 PM
  #65
I honestly don’t see perfectionism and high standards. In fact I see that golden used to have rather low standards in men and perhaps somewhat low expectations of herself.

Hopefully it all changed and Golden values herself much higher than she used to at the time of settling for this loser.

Someone with high standards wouldn’t date let alone get engaged with someone who isn’t even independent and doesn’t even have any income let alone a career. Someone with perfectionism syndrome wouldn’t get engaged tp a man who can’t even afford to propose with engagement ring!

I don’t see the issue as high standards, but rather low standards and lack of self respect (in the last, not now)

I am pleased to see that things are getting better and golden values herself higher now. Punishing oneself is unnecessary and detrimental but recognizing that one can and should do better is paramount if one wants improvement

Last edited by divine1966; Jun 25, 2019 at 04:33 PM..
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous43089
Guest
Anonymous43089 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 02:10 PM
  #66
Quote:
Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor View Post
What do you think the monster would think if he learned of your recent professional successes?
Why does it matter what he thinks?

This is something I'll never understand about normal people...
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 04:32 PM
  #67
Quote:
Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
Why does it matter what he thinks?

This is something I'll never understand about normal people...
Define normal lol

I don’t think anyone cares what irrelevant ex boyfriend thinks of their new job. It’s not unusual though to care what our loved ones (including family and good friends) think of our accomplishments. Not so nice ex boyfriends? Not so much
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 05:33 PM
  #68
@AspiringAuthor, lol... I am very much a perfectionist. haha. But Divine is right on this one. I lowered my standards by far with this ex, and certainly didn't raise the bar enough. I am not beating myself up about it like I used to... I got past that stage. Now I'm just... well, still beside myself over the additional lies I learned.

@theoretical, I think the point that AspiringAuthor may have been making is how that relates to my self esteem. I am guessing, because he had squashed some of my self esteem.

@divine1966, yes, I see your point, though like I wrote above, I think there was merit to the question. It made me realize that yes, he would be proud of me, and yes, in fact, I know he thought very highly of me, which points even further to the likelihood that he just wanted to hurt me by saying he loved his ex more. I am connecting the dots, perhaps incorrectly, but I am trying to see the connection.

Thank you all... it really helps to gain support around this issue... I really need it!

Last edited by Anonymous40643; Jun 25, 2019 at 06:02 PM..
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 06:13 PM
  #69
I wonder if you’d have easier time to get over the pain he caused by focusing on his actions. Not as much on what he said (no way to know what’s true and what’s manipulation), or thought or felt or what he might think of feel now (you aren’t inside his head). Focus on his actions. His actions were not of a good life partner. He has no power to effect your life or your self esteem because he is not that important.

And maybe time to stop asking psychics about this guy. Them telling you how he is thinking about you and is about to contact you prolongs the agony. It works for them as longer you agonize about him more they can charge you so they’ll tell you whatever. But how is it working for you to keep him in your thoughts? Not so great.

Hopefully you are ready to close that chapter of your life
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
unaluna
AspiringAuthor
Veteran Member
AspiringAuthor has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: Mountain View
Posts: 629
5 yr Member
374 hugs
given
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 11:03 PM
  #70
@divine1966 Golden Eve voiced that this particular loser was her only mistake in 48 years. To believe that one should - or could - live for 48 years without making mistakes is perfectionism. I do not know anything about the pre-existing history of relationships and was startled by the thought that I, or Golden Eve, or anyone our age should be expected to go through life without making mistakes. I was of such belief in long past and have since learned to embrace the growth mindset and "take risks, make mistakes, learn from them" mentality, which has improved my life a lot, and was suggesting that embracing the growth mindset would be transformational. When I first learned of the concept of growth mindset, I thought it was yet another overhyped term, but now I subscribe to the notion that having a growth mindset is better than not allowing yourself to make mistakes. When you write about Golden Eve's learning to value herself more, having examined past relationships, it is also, essentially, suggesting having a growth - a learning - mindset, except without using the term.

@theoretical @golden_eve I asked what he would think because there is a belief that to live one's life well is the best approach to avenging one's hurts. I did not expect Golden Eve's ex to be proud of her - I thought he would feel slighted and envious of her successes, and I thought that I would then make the point - which has been made to me by well-meaning friends, that vengeance is living one's life well. I do not understand forgiveness myself, but I have come to understand the point about living one's life well as an act of peaceful vengeance (and for many other reasons, too).

@golden_eve if you are proud of who you are, then this YOU is also a product of learnings and lived experience that included "mistakes" and "bad choices". In that vein you can even thank the loser mentally for teaching you to value yourself more highly.

__________________
Bipolar I w/Psychotic features

Zyprexa Zydis 5 mg
Gabapentin 1200 mg
Melatonin 10 mg
Levoxyl 75 mcg (because I took Lithium in the past)


past medications: Depakote, Lamictal, Lithium, Seroquel, Trazodone, Risperdal, Cogentin, Remerol, Prozac, Amitriptyline, Ambien, Lorazepam, Klonopin, Saphris, Trileptal, Clozapine and Clozapine+Wellbutrin, Topamax
AspiringAuthor is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Calypso46
New Member
Calypso46 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
3 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 11:09 PM
  #71
I absolutely love the quote you used: "We're people first, anything else is secondary." Also I think what you said was not rubbish, but genuine and true. I too am struggling with forgiveness and thought it was very helpful to read what you believe forgiveness isn't. Thanks!
Calypso46 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous43089
Guest
Anonymous43089 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 03:01 AM
  #72
Quote:
Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor View Post
I asked what he would think because there is a belief that to live one's life well is the best approach to avenging one's hurts. I did not expect Golden Eve's ex to be proud of her - I thought he would feel slighted and envious of her successes, and I thought that I would then make the point - which has been made to me by well-meaning friends, that vengeance is living one's life well. I do not understand forgiveness myself, but I have come to understand the point about living one's life well as an act of peaceful vengeance (and for many other reasons, too).
Yeah, Marcus Aurelius said as much, but it's a point old Marco and I disagree on. Living well to spite someone else is still living on their terms. And what if he doesn't care? What if he doesn't even notice? If he is a narcissist, sociopath, or something along those lines, then he likely won't be impressed by any honest living anyway, and he certainly wouldn't be jealous of it. Would that bother you?

I stand by my assertion that his opinion doesn't matter. If you want to move on, then live on your own terms.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Define normal lol
Non-psychopaths.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 03:55 AM
  #73
Quote:
Originally Posted by theoretical View Post

Non-psychopaths.
I knew what you meant. Just trying to be funny. Term “normal” is often thrown around on this site in the strangest context or even as a derogatory term. I was even told once that I shouldn’t post here as I am “normal” and this site for people with mental health issues. So term normal is always funny to me like who decided what’s normal
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:08 AM
  #74
We're getting off topic. I wanted to know how to forgive him... I still don't know. I feel this is the one way I will be able to fully let go and heal. I don't know what thoughts I should have in order to forgive and let go of my anger? I know that forgiving doesn't mean allowing or accepting his bad behaviors.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:19 AM
  #75
Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
We're getting off topic. I wanted to know how to forgive him... I still don't know. I feel this is the one way I will be able to fully let go and heal. I don't know what thoughts I should have in order to forgive and let go of my anger? I know that forgiving doesn't mean allowing or accepting his bad behaviors.
I think many people made many different suggestions what you could feel or do to let it go. Nothing seem to be working.

Maybe have thoughts that you aren’t a victim here. Being angry and blaming him puts you in a victim mood. If you stop telling yourself that you are helpless victim of his bad behavior, then maybe you’d stop being angry and unforgiving. Not necessarily blaming yourself here but take responsibility. It gets you out of a passenger seat and puts you in to drivers seat. You are in charge here. Not other people, not this guy

Have thoughts of “I made a mistake dating a wrong person. I am wiser now. I know what I won’t put up with in the future. This is in the past. That was then and this is now. I live my life and he can live his”. Then stop checking what he does online. Don’t talk to people about him. Find distractions when can’t stop thinking about him
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 07:17 AM
  #76
I will have to re-read the thread. I have taken responsibility though. Maybe I just have to live with my anger. I have a deep sense of justice. It’s hard to shake that.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous43089
Guest
Anonymous43089 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 09:42 AM
  #77
Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I wanted to know how to forgive him... I still don't know. I feel this is the one way I will be able to fully let go and heal. I don't know what thoughts I should have in order to forgive and let go of my anger? I know that forgiving doesn't mean allowing or accepting his bad behaviors.
Others have mentioned "ruminating" earlier in the conversation. Whatever thoughts you have, they shouldn't involve him or your past mistakes regarding him. Find something meaningful in your life, such as learning more about your skills as a medium, and focus on that.

In order to move on, you have to, you know, move on.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 11:15 AM
  #78
Thanks, I will try. It’s been two years though and no matter what I do I haven’t shaken it.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
AspiringAuthor
LacunaCoiler
Veteran Member
 
LacunaCoiler's Avatar
LacunaCoiler has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 738
10 yr Member
30 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 12:07 PM
  #79
Golden_eve... I am in a pretty similar situation

My wife has told me she is no longer in love with me and in love with our co-worker. She said she has not been in love with me for years and probably felt that way before we got married 3 years ago! (Because we're in a same sex relationship we have been together for 13 years). After the affair with our co-worker she wanted to try and work things out, and like an idiot I agreed. Extremely long story short, she put him first every single time. We agreed that she would only talk to him at work and that was it. Well over the wkend I found out her phone had a new password and that she had turned off all notification because "she was checking her phone compulsively and wanted to stop" (since our fight and breakup they are back on and I despise even hearing her phone chime). When I tried to log into the phone site the password was changed and when I found the password she had changed the setting for it to ask security questions regardless of whether you had used that computer or not before. I finally told her I was going to go down there and have them reset everything or she was going to give me the answers. She opened it on her computer and hovered the whole time trying to get me to tell her why I was was looking and if there was something she could pull up since she knows the site better than I did. Again, long story short, I noticed she has been texting him EVERYDAY since she promised me she wouldn't.

Needless to say, I broke it off.

I've got sooo much anger and I dunno if I'm more angry at her or at me I hate myself for believing her. I hate myself for taking her back. I hate myself for giving her soooo much of my life and me. I hate myself for believing everything she has every told me. I hate myself for opening up and letting her get close enough to hurt me. I hate that I let her hurt me over and over. I basically just hate myself. And I just hate her.

She wants to try to fix it and I would have given the moon and the stars to fix it before this. Now, I don't trust her and I dunno if I don't want to fix it. When I wanted to fix it she didn't give a ****. She was too busy with our co-worker to give a rats *** about me or our relationship.

I am sooooo filled with hate at the moment I don't know how to move on. I don't know the first thing to do. I don't know if I even want to let go of the hate. I just... don't know

So, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I too wish I knew how to forgive. If you need to talk, please feel free to private message me. Big hugs and best wishes to you

__________________
Morality plays on stages of sin -Emilie Autumn



LacunaCoiler is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
AspiringAuthor, unaluna
Anonymous43949
Guest
Anonymous43949 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 26, 2019 at 12:18 PM
  #80
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
I really struggle with how to forgive the exact same thing. How to forgive the deliberate cause of emotional pain, deliberate abuse, lying, conning and covering up. Hugs
Me three, I struggle to forgive the exact same thing--being used.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:45 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.