Venting: conversations with toxic people

I had a feeling that your mother was living a rather small life Tisha. It sounds like your mother tries to combat this boring life with creating drama and gossiping. The best way to look at this is that your mother is engaging in trying to create things where she has all the power to compensate for her boredom and lack of power to change her situation. Please know that often this is practiced by someone "unknowingly" and I know that sounds strange.

You are not going to change her, it won't matter how many different tactics you try either and forget the Norman Rockwell picture, ain't gonna happen. Hmmm wonder if your mother is one of those women that watches soap operas every day and then creates her own little soap opera.

How old is your mother?

You’re correct except for the soap operas part. The same is pretty much true of me, too... the boredom. She’s mid 80’s so I can cut her some slack.

Yes, that generation often lived small lives as often the women of that generation were expected to find a good provider and just be a wife and mother. It's not surprising some of those same messages were handed to you as well.

It’s a bit dull, but it’s nice work if you can get it!

Perhaps the bottom line here is that when people act in a toxic manner towards you, it's more about them than about you. Yet somehow, you end up feeling responsible for their feelings. In the past, I've felt guilty for upsetting my relative, even knowing she had no reason to be upset (since all I did was decline one of her many requests for favors).

People will sometimes try to guilt you and make you feel horrible when you draw a boundary and refuse to let them walk all over you.

I have a feeling Tisha was unknowingly taught to feel guilty if her mom was unhappy or she did not give into her mother. That happens a lot until one day you wake up and realize that you are engaging in something thats unhealthy for you. Also, as people get into these upper age brackets their flaws tend to show up more because they begin to lose their filter without realizing it.

As I got stabbed in the back at work today by her, my colleague smiled at me and joked with me, as though we're friends. TOXIC.

Eve, another way to look at it is, your colleague was presenting the companys product to the customer. Even tho you may have created the work product, its not YOURS, it belongs to the company. Thats not unethical in any way. You were asked to present it and you refused, so they asked someone else to present to the customer. The customer doesnt care who in your company actually does the work - they pay the company for the services, period, correct?

LOL--Well, it is not all bad; you have time to spend with and help your youngest son (who knows how often you will see him in a few years from now), deal with your mom and take care of your physical and mental health. When your son graduates from high school, you might find work that your really like. You could go back to school if you want. We can always work but spending time with people we care about is priceless.

I am very fortunate to have a husband who is willing and able to support me. Believe me, I appreciate that. If I had been so driven to have a career, I would have done it.

Yes, the being able to see more of my mother, who lives less than an hour away, but not wanting to see her is what really bothers me. I would like to spend time with sweet, loving, elderly mama...but that’s now who she mostly is.

There were days where I took her out somewhere nice and she was very happy with that and behaved much like her best self. But then she gets in these ruts due to her physical health, and due to that she gets ‘mean spells’ (that’s the best way I can describe it).

And now things are changing for me as my husband retired. We have friends who want us to go into business with them. It’s a good idea, but a sure fire way to destroy a beautiful friendship. I have a career that my husband could do with me, but I doubt we will motivate and work well together.

He did something recently where I learned I really can’t trust him to respect me at all, when there’s something he wants to do, he’ll just do it no matter if it hurts me. Which I forgave and moved on...but also got smarter.

But something will definitely change simply because the two of us will be sitting here together with nothing to do.

Don't feel bad about needing a break from your mom--there are reasons for this. Sometimes we need a break from even the most loving people in our life and your mom can be tough to deal with. It is better that you take time off from seeing her so that you are fresh and able to deal with her in a positive manner. Like me, IMO, you sometimes feel guilty about things that you shouldn't feel bad about. Your mother probably has "guilted" you from birth in order to shape you into a moral person and devoted daughter. My mom did this and I think her motives for it weren't all bad. She was doing the best she could.

I am sorry your H violated your trust. Have you gotten him to at least acknowledge how you feel? From my POV, there is no use asking people to make "promises" (because then they might just go behind your back) but they should at least hear out your complaints.

When my H and I got out of the Air Force, he started his own business working from home. Many years, it lost money. He made me the Secretary/ Treasurer! We fought like cats and dogs sometimes (especially when it was losing $--funny how I was willing to do the payroll and taxes without complaining when it was making $ )

He wants to RV part time when he retires which is somewhat attractive except that when you are fighting, you can't escape to another room. When I was in hs, my family had a 5th wheel. We drove to Carlsbad Cavern's in New Mexico during Thanksgiving, a place that doesn't usually get much snow but they had the snowstorm of the century which actually shut the park down. We were stuck in that 5th wheel and my mom and I fought like cats and dogs. I ran outside but the snow was too deep to stay outside for very long. RVs stay cold in the winter. I foresee that our RV adventure will be a mixture of good and bad. It's a good thing that I take a lot of drugs now.......

Lol, that gave me visions of the whole RV rocking!

We’d be pulling our hair out in an RV in the middle of nowhere!

He’s really young to be doing this. When I met him I asked him what does he want to do, and he said, “retire”! Lol. What motivated him to do it now is that our son, who is getting married, did something that was such a slap in our face that my h said, “Why should I try to save any more money to leave our kids? Let’s just live off it and screw them.” Plus the whole thing with my mother and the money to support her, pushed him off the edge.

It has been dis upon dis from this son and his fiancé moving toward their wedding. We have not said or done one thing to cause it or to criticize them. We told them how much we were hurt, but they don’t care.

But time is moving forward and it is out of my hands. I am following the advice of WikiHow articles and biting my tongue.

We have a very low-key life, low expenses on the house, don’t spend beyond what we can afford, so we’re ok. If you just watch TV, you don’t spend much money.

You and your H are both young. Eventually, you might both find something that makes a little money so that you can do things besides just watching TV. (That is all my H and I do too--we are saving for when he retires--we also have low expenses except for our children.) It is understandable if your H reevaluated his career if it was causing him a lot of stress. Most jobs that have benefits and pay well also have a lot of stress. The older we get, the less we can handle stress. My husband has found that he can make good money contracting--the benefits are lousy but contractors have much less stress because if the company wants you to work overtime, they have to pay you time and a half.

I am enjoying my new job teaching ESL to Chinese kids (they are so cute and sweet) but, so far, I am only averaging one class a day so I am making about $9.00 a day (but only working 1/2 hour a day ). Hopefully, I eventually teach 1-2 hours a day. That would be the right amount of work for me.

PS. My H is envisioning me eventually getting closer to 4 hours of work a day--if I can, perhaps we can meet in the middle?

It feels like there’s something wrong with our culture, and that’s the problem!

My mom talks about the days when the whole family, including cousins, lived in the same apartment building. Nobody had any money then, even less than now. They all had each other.

Now my whole family is scattered across the country. Everybody just watches TV, works a little or a lot, and none of us really know each other, it’s isolating.

If the whole family lived close, my mom would surely be much happier. She’d have plenty of attention. She is sick and elderly. She should have a loving family see her.

It was too much for me to handle by myself. My other sister calls her daily and visits a few times a year. My other sister calls often, but never visits. Her sister calls her, but stopped visiting (she used to about once a year). My mom is isolated, in pain, and angry.

I feel isolated, too. Everybody sits in their homes watching TV. We do have this one couple of friends we see often. I do have this one gf I talk to nearly daily, but rarely see. She lives an hour away. I keep asking to meet her, that I’ll drive nearly all the way to her. But she doesn’t make the plans, I’m not sure why.

I have ennui! Lol

en·nui
/änˈwē/
noun
a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.
"he succumbed to ennui and despair"
synonyms: boredom, tedium, listlessness, lethargy, lassitude, languor, restlessness, weariness, sluggishness, enervation;

I see this as exactly what happened in regards to your mom. You did/do the best you can.

I wish my family wasn't so far away. I will visit my sister for 8 days in August--the last time I saw her was about 2 years ago.

ennui--my psych drugs help with this--everyone is on them because of our culture--work, work, work, isolation, technology, not enough time in nature....

Also, that your H went from working all of the time to being at home is a big adjustment that you both have to come to terms with. The same thing can be said of your son's marriage.

Yes, exactly!

My anxiety meds are helping greatly with moving forward and accepting what may come.

OMG, it is SO HARD not to fall back into the patterns that feed the toxic conversations. I'm at a point where I am not even sure what I can say to my mother, there's so much on the verboten list. It's like any contact is just her ranting and complaining and me ignoring it and changing the subject as best as I can.

Exactly! Plus, everything she complains about she doesn’t change and fix. She doesn’t listen to reason. Maybe she just wants to be miserable. And, what really worries me most deep down, is maybe I am the same.

“How dare you continue to put your job first!” new toxic conversation