Venting: conversations with toxic people

Time to exit, stage left.

Also , Love them or leave them (if you can't leave them permanently then just leave them temporarily--when someone says "dare" they are not in a mood that can be reasoned with...)

No, I was not in a mood to be reasoned with when I said it. He could exit, but he won’t. He doesn’t care what I need from him, what I have expressed time and again, what puts me into such a funk. Thank God the anxiety pills have stopped the crying and tail spin depression. I only get into an angry funk for a short while then move on with my day. This is all from the exact same, dysfunctional dynamic we have always had with his refusal to initiate sex. He now admits it has always been because he is thinking about his job. Now he has resigned from the job. He has a few days left. He said, yet again, he neglected me because he was thinking about the job...hence I used the toxic word ‘dare’. It’s too silly to keep being upset about over and over. It’s ridiculous and it puts me into severe depression. . I’m just so stuck and resigned from life.

Please no jabs anyone. I don’t know why I even post here.

TunedOut, I didn’t mean anything bad toward you.

Here’s an article that resonates with me and the images are funny.
7 Signs Your Relationship Is Taking A Toll On Your Mental Health

I know I have issues and that’s why I’m in it and don’t end it. I know folks get frustrated with me for not getting out or shutting up.

When the psychiatrist says I ‘never would have been happy with anyone’, what’s the point?

I post here because I like to vent and am such an extrovert/exhibitionist that I suppose I like doing it publicly. So sue me.

I miss the mark all of the time about stuff. I assumed your mom said that to you. Why? Though you never work, you have said you can and, well, your husband's job is ending... I rarely take offense about much--perhaps because I I misunderstand so much that I take it all in stride--plus, you are very sweet. I am always surprised when people get on your case about things. You sit here beating yourself up all of the time but never do it to people as PC from my POV.

That was total BS that you could never be happy with anyone---don't believe it. You do get along with loads of people on PC and others in your life. Won't comment about your mom or H for now. Sorry it has just been too much to bear lately. Remember, there is a lot of things going on. Lots of stress and changes--they are likely part of the problem--relationships are complex and two sided---boundaries, time outs, etc.

Why can’t I stop getting triggered by him? I saw it coming, and before you know it, it was done. If I described this, you would bang you head in the wall from how dumb this is! Yet it has happened for 25 years! It drives me to drink!

When you see it coming, maybe learn to self direct? When I was growing up, we learned not to talk back to grownups. Sometimes I failed at this when it came to my mom but mostly, I learned to retreat to my room or go outside and channel my frustrations by riding my bike, climbing up the mountain in back of our house, etc.

In regards to our husbands, we can get into negative reinforcement loops. As in, what you said made him worse, which made you feel worse, etc. Lately, my H and I have turned it around, telling each other nice things which makes each other feel loved. Though we do have days were we get in bad moods. I have learned to tell my husband that he can't talk to me like that then say I am leaving (I retreat to another room)--I have trained him that he can't lecture me on and on to get his way or take his frustrations out on me for an extended period of time. Now he rarely does it! He has learned to listen to me some when I can't stop talking then rationally tell me that I am talking way to much saying, "You can talk every other street" (on our walks) "This is a quiet street" or grabbing my hand to remind me to take a break from talking. We did not learn this from therapy. We simply started being more loving to each other. We had gotten into some very bad habits. Though, of course, it is not this way every day.

It’s this craving for how I need to feel loved, which he just won’t/can’t do, no matter how many times I have explained it to him. It shouldn’t have been this hard. I feel unimportant and rejected, unloved. That’s truly what it is. This isn’t a partnership. This is just two people hanging in there who have a lot of friendship in common and coparenting well together, but not really a love connection.

I’m not going to set myself up for that rejection anymore...easier said than done, though.

I am sorry he makes you feel like that. Honestly, there have been times I haven't made my husband feel loved enough (after the children were born)--he would get mean to me when he felt like I didn't truly care about him. Many times I was just insensitive then would be upset at his reaction. I wish I had realized how to appreciate him the way he needed to be a long time ago. A little love makes such a difference. I wish I could make your husband realize how much better life is when we show our spouses how much we appreciate them. Both you and my husband have so much to offer. Your husband and I are very lucky to have people like you and my H in our lives. He is screwing up.

It’s been truly a gaslighting experience that drove me to madness! The reason he doesn’t have it in his head is because he really just doesn’t have it in his head! No matter how many fights we’ve had about it and how I have explained it to him, he simply doesn’t have it in his head and puts himself and his own BS excuses like worrying about something about his job that was of no importance and didn’t even occur ahead of me. I am small and insignificant and that’s just the way it is. . I stay because I don’t think any better of myself. I’m afraid I’ll just be totally alone or find someone else with a different set of dysfunction. I really need to learn to stop setting myself up and then reeling over it. That’s the hardest part. Accepting I will never get my needs met and stop setting myself up for the rejection.

I wonder how much of the BS excuses are laziness verses not valuing/loving you (neither is good but laziness is a bad habit that is easier to overcome than dislike)? Why didn't he let you go if he doesn't love you? I struggle all of the time with how much of my problems are a genetic mental health problem verses problems that are caused by the behaviors of myself or others. It is really hard to sort out because each effects the other. You seem to have anxiety and depression like I do from my POV. Maybe it was 100 percent caused by your environment but if some of it is just innate then your psych drugs will help. It is harder to be loving in a positive way when we have been beaten down by depression and/or stress. Depresion/anxiety verses stress--this is alot like the discussion of which came first--the chicken or the egg....

I am currently in a toxic relationship and I can’t do it anymore. The gaslighting has me questioning everything I say and feel. I’m too “sensitive” he says, he’s just giving me “constructive criticism”. The worst part of it all, I am becoming just as toxic as he is and he loves it.

I’m sorry to just jump in here without a proper introduction but it feels good to voice some of this.

Tell him to take his ‘constructive criticism’ and shove it! . If he won’t stop, you can get out.

@willaneil You bring up a good point about becoming toxic to deal with the toxic person. I went through great pain in the past trying to get nasty people to treat me better. Now I just accept it and stay away from them.

I rack my brain, obsessing over why they are not treating me right. That’s the hardest part for me, the ruminating over why it is a bad relationship. The bottom line is, for whatever reason, they don’t really like me that much or respect me.

It’s been extremely hard to accept this because some of this toxic behavior came from close family members who have also acted very lovingly. It’s very confusing and I still haven’t figured it out tbh.

I suppose it’s possible to be loving sometimes and very unloving other times?

Thank you so much for this, you made me laugh! I am getting out. I haven’t spoken to him for 2 days. It’s been very hard because I do miss him but really I what I miss is how he was at the beginning. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I just have to hold steady because while he’s giving me space right now, it won’t last.

Unfortunately toxic people don’t know how to respect anyone. It’s not your fault at all. We just have to distance ourselves or even cut off all contact. I can’t take the rollercoaster ride anymore. He’s nice and complimentary one minute and then tearing me down the next. I then find myself tearing into him in return and he feeds off it. Time to take the power back.

I’m glad I helped lighten this with a little humor!

Good for you. It sounds like you’ve got this and are doing the right thing for yourself.

You are right to realize he will try to ‘hoover’ you back in. Have you read about narcissism? I’m not implying anyone has any disorder, but it gives great insight into what you describe.

Best to you!