He hit me....

Jun 27, 2019 at 09:13 PM

Is any of this supportive?

Jun 28, 2019 at 02:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I am concerned that the OP is not posting anymore and hope she did not get frightened away.

I suppose we won't know if/until she comes back. It could be for reasons entirely unrelated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Is any of this supportive?

What are you suggesting? That we discuss better strategies for how to support people so we don't scare off future posters?

divine1966 · Jun 28, 2019 at 06:06 AM

This is anonymous forum Hopefully she is just busy. Her last activity was on 06/25. And there were death threats against her and if they drive intoxicated it’s quite mortifying that maybe the reason she isn’t posting is very tragic.

Or maybe they made up and keep on doing whatever is that they are doing and she’d rather not share. Who knows. I once didn’t post for awhile and I received concerned PMs but there was no big reason why I wasn’t logging in. It’s a choice

TishaBuv · Jun 28, 2019 at 06:53 AM

I sure wouldn’t come back, if I was getting criticized for drunk driving when that wasn’t even the issue that the OP asked for help for.

Jun 28, 2019 at 07:02 AM

That was my point. The bigger issue is her life was threatened and he hit her. I am guessing it must be very confusing and painful for the OP given it's never happened before.

TishaBuv · Jun 28, 2019 at 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

That was my point. The bigger issue is her life was threatened and he hit her. I am guessing it must be very confusing and painful for the OP given it's never happened before.

You’ve been talking about victim blaming on another thread, Eve. While, yes, sometimes the victim has done some things wrong too, when trying to help them, is it a good idea to harshly rub their noses in it?

Jun 28, 2019 at 10:40 AM

poster included the info in her original post...poor judgements were made by both parties. you can't just blame the boyfriend for poor actions. alcohol played into the bad calls. they drove drunk and that put others at risk..innocents. she was supposed to be the designated driver and she drank. she stated he was very intoxicated. all of this played into the incident. placing false blame? criticizing the poster..yes, but she was wrong too, and she posted the info. this was a bad situation. boyfriend needed jail time to cool off...and then both need to think and get their heads on straight. I feel for her, he is abusive...but she needs to take charge of her role in this incident as well.

what if you were driving on the same road as these two that night and you encountered them? driving while intoxicated is not something that should just be smoothed over. especially when she LET him drive knowing he drank too much and she as the safe driver was drunk. thank god they didn't hit anyone,

Jun 28, 2019 at 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You’ve been talking about victim blaming on another thread, Eve. While, yes, sometimes the victim has done some things wrong too, when trying to help them, is it a good idea to harshly rub their noses in it?

I haven’t done that.

Jun 28, 2019 at 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I sure wouldn’t come back, if I was getting criticized for drunk driving when that wasn’t even the issue that the OP asked for help for.

I honestly don't think that was it. If I had to make a wild guess - and note here that the OP could've stopped posting for any number of reasons completely unrelated to PC - I'd say she felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of comments urging her to leave. Sure, the comments about drunk driving probably didn't help, but most of her responses past the first post were attempts to downplay her husband's behavior and highlight his good sides. I don't think she saw herself as a victim, and I don't think she felt comfortable with anyone's suggestions that she was.

Again, only a shot in the dark. OP, if you're still reading and want to jump back in, just let us know what you need.

Quote:

Originally Posted by resurgam

poster included the info in her original post...poor judgements were made by both parties. you can't just blame the boyfriend for poor actions. alcohol played into the bad calls. they drove drunk and that put others at risk..innocents.

All true, sure. But it isn't like anyone can change that now. The best we can do is encourage people not to commit the same mistakes over again, but we have to convince them, and that isn't going to work if we overwhelm them.

It's a delicate process. A bit like surgery, it requires the proper tools. If you go in with a sledge hammer, you're going to kill the patient.

Open Eyes · Jun 28, 2019 at 02:01 PM

I agree theoretical, what stood out to me is her needing to downplay his behavior that was clearly dangerous and talk about how good he CAN be and that it's probably her own fault that caused him to react the way he did. The other concern I had was how he was using drugs and alcohol. Often a person does that to avoid feeling their own insecurities and pain. This is something HE needs to address and as long as she continues to allow him to engage in practicing drug use, she will face these episodes where he can suddenly lash out at her. It's extremely concerning at this point because he did hit her and choked her and threatened her life.

When someone is in LOVE they can be blinded by that and FAIL to see that reality that they NEED to see so they don't end up getting badly hurt. It actually CAN BE a bit like surgery when it comes to gradually helping someone see a reality they simply don't want to see. A person can end up running away or they can literally blow up at you in anger because of how badly they need to protect their illusion.

TishaBuv · Jun 28, 2019 at 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I haven’t done that.

I wasn’t implying you did that, Eve, and I see the post looked like I was referring to you doing it, but I wasn’t. I hate when typing doesn’t come across with what you mean to say!

It’s that ‘tough love’ laying into someone that really bothers me because I’ve had to endure it often. I appreciate criticism in a more gentle way, especially when one has been abused from something else.

Wishing well to the OP

Jun 28, 2019 at 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I wasn’t implying you did that, Eve, and I see the post looked like I was referring to you doing it, but I wasn’t. I hate when typing doesn’t come across with what you mean to say!

It’s that ‘tough love’ laying into someone that really bothers me because I’ve had to endure it often. I appreciate criticism in a more gentle way, especially when one has been abused from something else.

Wishing well to the OP

Oh I know.... I hate it when that happens. I get it. And I agree with you! Especially when it comes to abusive situations, which Ive been writing about elsewhere on the forum.

I hear you!

Jun 28, 2019 at 03:33 PM

@TheOutsider90, how are you feeling right now? Are you safe? How can we be of assistance to you, and how can we support you best?

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Anonymous40643 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 27, 2019 at 09:13 PM #41 Is any of this supportive?
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TishaBuv Legendary Member Since Dec 2014 Location: USA Posts: 10,181 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,869 hugs given	Jun 28, 2019 at 06:53 AM #44 I sure wouldn’t come back, if I was getting criticized for drunk driving when that wasn’t even the issue that the OP asked for help for. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T
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Anonymous40643 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 28, 2019 at 07:02 AM #45 That was my point. The bigger issue is her life was threatened and he hit her. I am guessing it must be very confusing and painful for the OP given it's never happened before.
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Anonymous40643 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 28, 2019 at 03:33 PM #53 @TheOutsider90, how are you feeling right now? Are you safe? How can we be of assistance to you, and how can we support you best?
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