He hit me....

My husband and I were drunk Friday night. I was mad because he was supposed to be the driver and drank more that he should have. It started before we were out of the bar parking lot. There was a little vile of perfume in the door of my passenger seat- it turned out to be my brothers girlfriends, but at the time I wasnt thinking clear and asked him who's it was because it wasnt mine. He slammed the brakes of my car and I wasn't wearing my belt so I slammed into the dashboard and banged my knee. I got out of the car and said I wouldn't go home unless I drive. My phone was dead so I couldn't call anyone.

When we got home I dont remember what I said but he slammed my car door and shattered my sunroof. He then belly bumped me into the door and kind of pushed me into it. So I went for a ride to calm myself and came back and told him I didnt want him in bed with me. He wouldn't listen so I grabbed his phone and then he got up and grabbed my arms and squeezed, shook me and screamed in my face and then pushed me onto the bed. He went into the living room and I saw he left his phone. I know I shouldn't have but I went through it and saw on his history that he had made an account on a site called one night friends about a month ago. He used his email and the username was something i could see him using. He never messaged anyone and didnt have any pictures but still... so I confronted him and he denied it. I told him I wasnt stupid and I saw his email. I told him he was like my ex, and that blew him up. He grabbed me again and pushed me into the bathroom door and grabbed my throat and told me he was going to kill me. He said no one could hear me. He pushed me onto the floor and I got mad and punched him in the stomach. So he punched me in the mouth. I dont exactly what happened next but I remember he had me by the throat again and I was trying to push him away and push his face and he bit me.

I haven't talked to him in 2 days and I've been staying at a friends. His sister told me he feels like **** and hes sorry... but I've never seen that side of him. We've been together 6 years and married 1, and never once has he hit me. I feel so lost and I dont know what to do.

I am sorry this happened. Is there a domestic violence shelter you can go to? They can help you get started on what you need to do to resolve this.

This is my concern: if you go back home and don't set up an understanding between the two of you that what happened will never happen again, it will at some point. Especially if yawl keep drinking. To me, both of you need guidance to stop drinking and better your lives.

I wish you the best, TheOutsider90.

I dont even drink much.... it just happened that day that my best friends data stood her up and we went out for drinks.

Honestly dont think I need to better my life.... I'm a teacher with a masters degree. I drink like once every 4 months or something. I dont do drugs. And I give so so so much. Kinda messed up that I'm reaching out for advise and you tell me to better myself after what I just went through.

Yikes! It doesn’t matter whether it’s never happened before. He became physically abusive and violent towards you and threatened your life. You must leave him. Please get yourself alternative housing and leave this man ASAP. You are in danger. I would not take this incident lightly whatsoever or even believe it won’t happen again. Him threatening your life should be taken most seriously. I would call the police and file a report of abuse and danger to your life and get a court ordered restraint on him. Please do not go back to your home. This is most serious.

He didn't make that account while he was drunk. And if he wasn't planning on using it for its intended purposes, then why have it at all?

I'd leave him (and break all his things on my way out the door), but it's your life.

You were both driving drunk. It’s illegal and you are endangering others. You could ask bartender to call taxi for you. And you weren’t wearing a seatbelt? Why?

Your husband is clearly violent. The fact that he wasn’t beating you before doesn’t mean much. Stuff like that always escalated. Domestic violence doesn’t start right after the wedding. In addition he has account on sex site. And going by your previous posts he does heavy drugs and steals from you. Jeez. What a catch.

What I would do is make a police report and press charges, file for divorce, see a therapist, address excessive alcohol consumption and see my doctor to check for STDs. He isn’t on sex sites for intellectual discussions.

This whole dynamic is extremely unhealthy and volatile. No one should live like this. What do you need him for? You deserve better

The Outside90, you are right. I apologize.

You said you felt lost and didn't know what to do. I gave you feedback on my thoughts because I have been through similar situations. I had to break away and get help to understand why I needed someone like my ex in my life and why I drank the way I did. I learned about recovery and personal growth because that aspect of my life was complicated and multi-faceted. There was no quick fix.

I had a long road ahead of me and now, looking back, I am grateful I began that journey. I am grateful I found people who could help me untangle my messed up thinking and I could get better. That is what I was referring to for bettering yourself.

I hope you find the answers you need.

You did say it was the first time he hit you, but was it also the first time he has exhibited overly aggressive behaviour like as you described, squeezing your arms, pushing you, threatening you and anything of that nature?

If not, is it usually when he's drunk?

If it's the first time he's done such things, you need to talk to him about what transpired. Preferably heartfelt conversation over argumentative.

If this is regular behaviour, or at least common enough to affect the relationship significantly, that's something he needs to work on with a proffessional, imo.

Furthermore, looking into his phone.. have there been distrust in the relationship? If so, are you distrustful of him moreso because of his actions, or your past relationships? Maybe neither?

I'm only 16 years old and never had a boyfriend, but I have been hit by the many people while I was in the abusive situation I was forced in for 15 months. I can tell you one thing every time I was hit if I could I just wanted to leave. I didn't have that choice, but you do and I highly recommend it. The is no reason for anyone to be physical with another. No even if they are drunk. I am really sorry this has happen to you and you take take my words as from some stupid kid who doesn't know what she is saying and I will totally understand that. I am just saying this because I care about someone you has reached out who has been abused.

if he did it once, it will happen again.

you were both intoxicated. doesn't matter if you drink every night or once every 16 years.
you were driving while intoxicated.
no seatbelts.

you were a danger to others. period.
you got in a car with a driver who you said drank more then they should have...you were supposed to be the designated driver. call a cab. tell the bartender to take his keys. or call pd if he is too drunk to drive.

clearly no one was thinking responsibly..hate to be brutal but you made errors too.

get out of the relationship if you are smart.

I'm sorry, I didnt mean to snap. I'm just so confused. And our mutual friend is making me feel like it's all my fault.

Hes screamed in my face before but never got physical. I think the mistrust mostly stems from my ex, who I caught on multiple dating/sex sites.

Definitely leave him AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, TheOutsider90! Abuse is NEVER justified! I'm so sorry that you're going through ALL of this! It was not your fault if you were abused, altough letting him drive while he was drunk was definitely irresponsible for BOTH of you. But for now the priority must be getting away from him. I doubt things will change. They certainly won't change very soon. In fact they may even escalate. The fact that he was planning on cheating on you, because that's what he was planning on doing, just cementifies this in my opinion. Just leave him, file a police report if you can, DEFINITELY divorce him and take GREAT care of yourself. Take ALL the necessary steps to protect yourself. It won't be easy but it IS necessary for your own health! Just stay safe, ok? I'm glad you can stay in someone else's house. I'm sure there are PLENTY of shelters for women who have been through domestic abuse as well. I'm so sorry your friend is making you feel guilty about this. It is NOT your fault. Don't let neither him or her guilt trip you into coming back with him. You need to LEAVE HIM! Please keep us updated on your situation as much as you possibly can and let us know how things are going for you! We ALL do care about you! THAT'S A PROMISE! Wish you the BEST of luck in BOTH your healing and your life! YOU DESERVE MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN HIM! DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, TheOutisder90! PLEASE STAY SAFE AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!

Hmm, your mutual friend is blameing you? That's no friend because there is no excuse for what your husband did with you. He hit you and blew up at you and threatened your life. He also slammed on the breaks and you ended up hitting the dash board. His ANGER gets the best of him and it's clearly not safe for you.

Believe Him & Leave Him!

That's All Pfrog Has To Say About That!



PS ... Call a domestic violence shelter and the police for help on getting away safely ... Often when an abuser knows you're about to leave their crappy little world of domestic violence and abuse they will actually kill you.

I don’t think you have trust issue. You have husband’s issue.

He is on sex sites, does drugs, drinks and steals and now apparently is violent. Trust isn’t a concern here.

This man cannot be trusted and you’d be naive to ever trust such a husband. I really urge you seek therapy to get to the bottom of you settling for these terribly inappropriate men.

He used an enormous amount of violence.



Abusers usually claim they are sorry, and claim that they feel terrible, when they fear losing the person they have abused.

Even though he says he is sorry, that extreme level of violence, or even worse, can happen again.

Have you considered seeking support from, or a place to live with, a women’s resource center while you figure things out?

I agree. This really scares me:
“and grabbed my throat and told me he was going to kill me. He said no one could hear me.” Threats like that are likely to escalate and be carried out.

Quote:
My husband and I were drunk Friday night. I was mad because he was supposed to be the driver and drank more that he should have. It started before we were out of the bar parking lot. There was a little vile of perfume in the door of my passenger seat- it turned out to be my brothers girlfriends, but at the time I wasnt thinking clear and asked him who's it was because it wasnt mine. He slammed the brakes of my car and I wasn't wearing my belt so I slammed into the dashboard and banged my knee. I got out of the car and said I wouldn't go home unless I drive. My phone was dead so I couldn't call anyone.

When we got home I dont remember what I said but he slammed my car door and shattered my sunroof. He then belly bumped me into the door and kind of pushed me into it. So I went for a ride to calm myself and came back and told him I didnt want him in bed with me. He wouldn't listen so I grabbed his phone and then he got up and grabbed my arms and squeezed, shook me and screamed in my face and then pushed me onto the bed. He went into the living room and I saw he left his phone. I know I shouldn't have but I went through it and saw on his history that he had made an account on a site called one night friends about a month ago. He used his email and the username was something i could see him using. He never messaged anyone and didnt have any pictures but still... so I confronted him and he denied it. I told him I wasnt stupid and I saw his email. I told him he was like my ex, and that blew him up. He grabbed me again and pushed me into the bathroom door and grabbed my throat and told me he was going to kill me. He said no one could hear me. He pushed me onto the floor and I got mad and punched him in the stomach. So he punched me in the mouth. I dont exactly what happened next but I remember he had me by the throat again and I was trying to push him away and push his face and he bit me.

I haven't talked to him in 2 days and I've been staying at a friends. His sister told me he feels like **** and hes sorry... but I've never seen that side of him. We've been together 6 years and married 1, and never once has he hit me. I feel so lost and I dont know what to do.



I am so sorry that you are in this painful situation TheOutsider90. It is not your fault. You did not cause the abuse. Nor did you deserve it.

I hope this woman's truth (see Ted Talk) will help you. I divorced my abusive husband many years ago but Leslie's words still help me today.

Ted Talk:
Why domestic violence victims don't leave / Leslie Morgan Steiner
YouTube

I'm not going to tell you what to do. You are an intelligent adult and you will make your own choices. I just want you to know that your husband's abuse is never okay and there are folks out there who can help you if you seek their services.

I wish you peace and hope. Your present does not have to be your future.

Alcohol certainly played into this but its not and excuse. You both were driving drunk which is dangerous and violence ensued. You have to consider leaving him. Even though you also engaged in violence neither of you are safe with one another.