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midnightblue321
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Member Since: Nov 2014
Location: florida
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#1
Does anyone have experience with family treating them badly because of their mental problems/depression? As if struggling with severe depression and being unable to work weren't bad enough, Im stuck with family that treats me disrespectfully. My mother has a family dinner every Sunday and we are all expected to come. I feel I have to go because my Mom is getting older and she likes us all to come. Who knows how long we will have her, shes almost 80. The problem is the rest of the family I have to associate with all the time. They are rude, condescending and judgemental towards me and and I get so stressed just being around them. My family is constantly having parties and such that I feel I have to attend. And if I don't my siblings get mad at me and treat me even worse. I feel so trapped, but don't want to hurt my Mom or Dad by opting out of the family get togethers.
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#2
I would turn your first sentence around a little and restate it as, "does anyone have experience with mental problems/depression because of their family treating them badly?"
I totally get what its like to have a family that wont take no for an answer. It is possible to go "no contact" - there are books about it. But you cant eat your cake and have it too. |
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midnightblue321
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hvert
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#3
It's awful when you feel like you 'should' go or you 'have to' go. A few years ago I started to say 'no' more often, just because I wanted to. It is hard at first but the nagging does wind down mostly. Life is so much better without having to dread dinner with a toxic family every week. You don't have to go if you don't want to. You can choose to go because going is easier than not going or because you want to please your family/mother, but you don't *have* to if you don't want to. You can also set limits on how much time you spend if you do go. Or maybe you would rather do a lunch with your mother and father on a weekday, if you enjoy their company but not your siblings? There are other options but they are hard to see when we feel trapped by what people want us to do.
Someone on here recommended the book 'Boundaries' by Cloud and Townsend. It's a great book. It does have a religious element to it, but I am not religious and got a lot out of the book. 'How to say no without feeling guilty' is another book I liked. |
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lacerta, midnightblue321, unaluna
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Skeezyks
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#4
Here are links to 5 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:
When Family Members and Friends Don't Understand Depression When People Don't Understand Your Mental Health Condition How do I Make my Family Understand Depression? | Don't Call Me Crazy How to Deal with Difficult Family Members The Enmeshed Family System: What It Is and How to Break Free | Happily Imperfect __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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midnightblue321
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Anonymous45634
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#5
don't go. the world will not end. yea they will say bad things about you but still the world will not end..& really if that's how they treat you, then are they really worth it.
make plans to see your parents on your own...no need for the drama. family can be assclowns. (burroclowns in case this gets bleeped out) if it comes down to have to go & it's awful...change it to make better for you..no one says that those rules are etched in the tablets that came down from the mount. you'll see life will get easier..plus family will realize that hey, you do have both a backbone & a fine working brain and can defend yourself quite nicely. example. my evil monster of a mother was in a rehab place for broken hip. she was just an awful woman, and my abuser to booty. thing was I was the only child around to care for her so I got stuck with it..& it was hell on earth. after a full day of work I would go vidit her & she would just abuse me more. people said you MUST visit her she is your MOTHER. after a bit I realized that you know, I don't have to visit her...she doesn't appreciate it and it is not doing me any good. so I stopped. others were just appalled. felt much better. took a giant load off my shoulders. let them say what they want..they never stepped up to visit so screw them...slightly different situation then yours but same mindset. stand tall. be brave. |
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Birdifriend, unaluna
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NattyLumpkins
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Member Since: Feb 2019
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#6
Well, the first thing to do is tell them all exactly how you feel all at once. Maybe at dinner, and then explain to your mom that you love her but being subjected to this is just too much. That is the ****** thing about mental illness in a non-supportive situation is that you somehow have to muster enough strength to "tell your truth." It is a truth to power situation. Lay it on the table and claim what power you have to take care of your mental health. It may seem so huge that it is impossible to do, so perhaps write it out in a letter and read the letter to your family. That way, there can be no blame on you for not caring, having a bad character, not loving your mother etc. It's ****** that mental illness forces us in these situations sometimes. It's a big step and it is not like this is the "only right way" to do this. But the important thing is claiming your power to take care of your mental state.
Feeling powerless when you suffer from depression can be a dangerous thing because then you then may suddenly feel hopeless and that is not true. |
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Anniken
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#7
This sounds awful! I'm so sorry you're struggling. And it's like the more you force on the mask the worse it must make you feel. When they should help you they're adding to it. Some people just don't understand and they don't want to it's hard to know what's going on and it sounds like you need someone for support or to talk to, so that it's not all weighing on you. But try to look after yourself, go as much as you can but if you can avoid a few occasions if it relieves some stress so you don't get overwhelmed then pick and choose those moments but if you decide to not go remind yourself that it's because you need to look after yourself and that IS perfectly acceptable so do it guilt free. If you as much as you personally can be then that's the best you can do, any more is going to stretch you and cause you stress and may not be the best way to enjoy each other's company anyway.
I recommend talking to your family, I personally think 1 to 1 is best because if you feel like it's you addressing all of them that can be quite daunting and also it's not neutral territory. Maybe plan a few points you want to raise, but really try to not have a go or get angry or overwhelmed, even though it's easier said than done. It can be tempting to bring up previous things they've done, but for the better of the situation it's best to focus on what you would like to happen, that's very important. Good luck |
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sarahsweets
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#8
You should not feel that you have to go to those family dinners just because your mom is older. You can offer to spend time with her in other ways, like going out together. You shouldnt have to be subjected to abuse.
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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midnightblue321, unaluna
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New Member
midnightblue321
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Member Since: Nov 2014
Location: florida
Posts: 6
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#9
Thanks! need to get me some books on this
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New Member
midnightblue321
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Member Since: Nov 2014
Location: florida
Posts: 6
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#10
Yeah, see what you mean. Its a matter of deciding what is appropriate and good for you and maybe the other person, depends. Not what other people think you should be doing. Hard to do when an entire family is looking down their nose at you, but necessary to preserve your own mental health
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unaluna
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