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TunedOut
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Unhappy Jul 08, 2019 at 10:43 AM
  #1
A person in my life cannot stand it when I point in their direction. After picking them up (about 45 minutes from my house), I pointed and said, "there's a golf course, it's near a golf course." I pointed in their direction but my hand was about 8 inches away and I pointed to a place in front of them. I am not familiar with the area and it's a new place we have never dined at.

I had forgotten how much they hate pointing in their direction because they have only ridden in the truck one other time since June 3rd. When they asked me to apologize I did and said I would try to remember not to do that. When we got out of the car, they argued that I was bullying them and had to agree that I would not (not try not) ever do that again. We have argued about this in the past and as we sat there next to the car, they would not drop what I did. I should have just agreed to everything they said and not offered any further commentary but I found myself feeling angry so I said, if we can't drop this then I am just going to drop you off where you would like me to. The argument continued so I got back in the car, gave them $35 and the new shoes, clothes and swimsuit, I had bought then left feeling sad that things are so stressful between us.

If I had stayed, I might have lost my patience. Last time I saw them, I took extra medication and had not today. Next time I will. I don't want them to feel abandoned but I also do not want to get upset when I am with them. I feel like we bring out the worst in each other now and I am trying to let go for both of our sakes. The last time I saw them was over a week and a half ago. Is there something wrong with me in that I cannot take being lectured about how disrespectfully and bullying it was to accidentally point their way? How can I diffuse the situation better? I would have liked to have had a better visit but do not know when I will go back. I feel like they are better off without me.

Should I just stay out of their life for a long while (just see them once a month or less)? We do usually talk briefly once a day but didn't the last two days. Perhaps talking once a day on the phone is too much too? I feel like neither of us are quite right, if you know what I mean? I am willing to not be a part of their life if that would help them the most.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 11:20 AM
  #2
Also, this person argued that I know that they don't like me to point so that I did it/forgot shows I have no respect for them.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 11:22 AM
  #3
I am terribly confused.

You gave them money and stuff you bought them? Why? Who is this person? Why do you buy stuff and give them money and put up with their outrageous demands. Are they family and you just must see them like elderly and incapacitated? You pointed at something. Who cares? You drove 45 minutes and puck them up and they cause this ruckus?

What’s on the planet???
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 11:34 AM
  #4
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I am terribly confused. You gave them money and stuff you bought them? Why? Who is this person? Why do you buy stuff and give them money and put up with their outrageous demands. Are they family and you just must see them like elderly and incapacitated? You pointed at something. Who cares? What’s on the planet???
They are family. They just got a job two weeks ago (have been unemployed for more than a year. Yes, the money needs to stop. I wanted to give them the clothes and their things because they only have 2 or 3 pairs of clothes (and only one pair of shoes) in total and I am not going to see them for a while. Just trying to figure out how often I should see them.

As far as pointing goes, a lot of weird things upset them. I don't want to go into all of the specifics (won't talk about anything serious that has happened). An unserious example would be the previous time I saw them, they saw someone cleaning up a mess with a broom and dustpan and said the smell made them gag demanding we move tables (we did, I was on my medication and didn't argue, just agreed because they refuse to eat whenever they are near trash or smells). I am worried about this person and try to stay in touch but also keep enough of a distance so they don't upset my life anymore. However, I won't let my worrying cause me to be manipulated or upset anymore--trying to strike a balance so that I can help them if there comes a time when it is appropriate. I know I can't help them much right now. They have to help themselves.

Last edited by TunedOut; Jul 08, 2019 at 11:47 AM..
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 12:10 PM
  #5
I'm so sorry for what happened, TunedOut You're doing good by letting them go their own way. I agree that their reaction towards you pointing them was over the top. Don' let that bother you too much. Perhaps it is a wise choice to let them on their own for a little bit. Keep in contact but give them space. I'm so sorry that things are being so hard for you You're a WONDERFUL person. Don't you EVER forget that! Sending many safe, warm hugs and many good and positive vibrations to you and your family, TunedOut!
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 12:18 PM
  #6
TunedOut, it sounds like this person you tried to help is dealing with something that makes them unstable and prone to blow up or react badly. Forgetting and accidently pointing your finger is certainly not being a bully. Perhaps this individual struggles with an anxiety disorder? Maybe just venturing out with you was difficult for this person?
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 12:22 PM
  #7
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I agree that their reaction towards you pointing them was over the top. Don' let that bother you too much. Perhaps it is a wise choice to let them on their own for a little bit. Keep in contact but give them space.
Thanks for everything you said! I am glad I posted this. I end up feeling worse than I should about these kinds of things because I let them convince me that I was the one out of line.

I have been giving them a lot more space and will give them more. I think seeing them once a month is enough. I don't think I would ever cut them out of my life totally even if I am wrong about them. I think they are living in an "alternate reality" but it is possible they are manipulative or it is a bit of both.
Or perhaps it is neither and I don't have a clue. They are family and I am hanging in there trying to give them the benefit of the doubt (boy do I have crazy doubts about them sometimes) and will be there for them within reason.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 12:24 PM
  #8
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....it sounds like this person you tried to help is dealing with something that makes them unstable and prone to blow up or react badly.... Maybe just venturing out with you was difficult for this person?
This is an understatement and can be said about both of us.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 12:28 PM
  #9
I feel a bit better knowing it’s family. Helping family is just fine. I thought it was some boyfriend. In my family we don’t abandon each other regardless how difficult someone is BUT it’s perfectly fine to limit contact. Once a month is just fine. Or whatever you feel is right. You want to be there for them but you have to protect yourself too
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 12:28 PM
  #10
If you both have challenges it can be very difficult. Often that can mean keeping your distance is what you need to do for your own mental health.
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 10:09 AM
  #11
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