I did it again

(More of a vent, don't need advice, but not opposed to advice if for some reason you have a magic trick to not being stupid.)

Told a friend I like them as more than such again. Why can't I just... not?

The problem starts whenever I find a friend who could qualify as "good friend". My brain then automatically goes "...maybe mate?" Every. Single. Time. It doesn't matter to my stupid brain that there's so many other obstacles in the way - usually the fact that they don't see me the same way. The other parts of my brain try to reason with it why it could never work out, but it insists that this could be a potential mate and won't let it go.

Then the major problem that thought leads to: the saying of these feels. It almost always comes out as word vomit at a not so appropriate time, never as a calm collected thing, simply because I try so hard to not say it. When I'm stressed my "f's given" level hits a low and since that's my major word filter I end up saying things I shouldn't. In this particular case I was frustrated that a potential mate discussion with someone else hadn't worked out because he wanted biological children which I will not and probably cannot have, which is a typical reason these things fail when we get far enough to be discussing these things. Upset from that I went to this friend to vent (after obtaining permission to do so, I always ask permission to vent) about how all I seem to find are guys who insist on having biological children. He mentions he doesn't want kids as sort of a "I'm proving you wrong now" thing, which I already knew, and I go mentioning how I just wish he could figure his life out so I could take him instead of needing to sift through others. This turned into a very awkward conversation about how we both know it wouldn't work right now and that he kinda figured I had feels. It still sucked because:
1. I, yet again, was the first person to say I have feelings for someone
2. I, yet again, get to experience rejection - even though in this case it was not outright and he even made a point of saying it wasn't a rejection, it still felt that way
3. I, yet again, will not be able to talk to him the same anymore and might even lose his friendship, most likely ruining any shot I could have had at more
All because my stupid brain insists friends = good mates and I can't keep my damn mouth shut. I just wish I could have normal thinks and feels, ugh.

The heart has its own mind, and rarely does it abide by rules of logic or decency.

Why is this a bad thing? You've expressed to him your feelings, he said his piece, and now you know where both of you stand. You can move on. Yeah, getting rejected sucks, but it's better than hanging in limbo with unspoken feelings weighing on your soul. It might be a bit awkward at first, but you can still be friends.

It seems like you want to not develop feelings for someone. I'm not sure that's possible.

But I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Well, it's only a bad thing because of the embarrassment really, and of course not ever having the feelings be the same. Now I know he knows, so I have to be careful with what I say and do now, because apparently I was even putting out vibes before and don't want to keep doing that to potentially make it more awkward. =\

And it's not that I don't want to develop feelings, I'd just rather it not be for every single good friend that I find... Which is rare mind you, but it's still a guaranteed thing I wish I could avoid. My brain can't just leave it at "yay we have a good friend, that's nice".

Yeah, I can see how that would get annoying. The best solution I can think of, however, is merely to avoid that person until those feelings run their course.

Oh boy do I relate to this thread.

I typically don't feel attraction to people until I have some kind of emotional connection, meaning I usually end up crushing on friends. It's happened to best friends, acquaintances, etc. I once developed feelings for a friend after knowing her for four years without any hint of romance. Plus, I usually don't even know I have a crush at first, and get to sort through the "do I want to be her, or do I want to be with her" process.

I don't have much in the way of advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone, and there's no reason to kick yourself further. Maybe just take some time to think more about how your crushes and feelings develop? I had to do that when I started taking medication for the first time, and realized that crushes were a lot more thinking and action and a lot less "feeling sick to my stomach every time I see them". And when these things do happen, and you do have these conversations and maybe things don't go your way, know that you did all that you could do. It's mostly in the other person's hands now, which sucks, but a good friend will be willing to help you work through it.

(Sorry for the delay, I was doing so good at forgetting my pain I forgot I had made this thread to vent originally. Yay for distractions actually working!)

I've done that with every one of them, but especially the last 2. I think it's caused by the fact that I'm used to losing friends, and in my mind if I made them a mate maybe that would keep them around longer. Not necessarily true, I know. Even if I got them all the way to marriage, divorce is still a thing and possible, so there's no such thing as a "forever friend". Even though I can logically reason it away, it's not been stopping the process at all, it just slows it down.

Main reason for coming back and posting here again is I tried to bug him last night, just sent a hug like I sometimes do. Maybe not the greatest idea. It didn't hit me until this morning after I got home from work that he ignored it. It happened before sometimes unintentionally, he just kinda gets caught up in stuff and doesn't respond. So I'm trying not to panic and just focus on maybe it wasn't intentional... but it's hard to feel that way considering the circumstances. v.v