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Old 07-11-2019, 05:32 PM   #11
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

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And of course, when I pull away, she pulls me back.

I guess it's time to let go. What would be a mature way of breaking this off.?
Avoid phone conversation, as it is easier to be pulled back in this way than via text. Next time she texts you, let her know that you really enjoyed the time together but you wish to move on for personal reasons and you wish her the best.

After that, you don't need to respond to her whatever she writes. If you respond, you would end up in an endless back and forth. As long as you show her the courtesy to be upfront rather than ignore her, that's enough. You don't owe her an explanation because nothing was official and you barely know her, having met her a couple of months ago and gone on three dates.
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Old 07-11-2019, 09:08 PM   #12
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

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Trust me I have thought about that too, dating others. But I keep coming back to when we spend time together. It just feels right. And I know she is feeling it too. And of course, when I pull away, she pulls me back.

I guess it's time to let go. What would be a mature way of breaking this off.? Admittedly, I am very poor at making breaks.

edit - First 2 dates were effortless. Now I feel exhausted.
You donít know what she is feeling. If she is being social and friendly etc it doesnít mean she wants to continue dating. Iíve been on dates when men thought it will be happily ever after just because I was nice to them and polite, they were surprised I wasnít interested in another date. It takes more than just having good time

Dating is also a number game. If she goes on dates with several people she might be just choosing more suitable options.

There is no need to make breaks. Itís not a relationship.

You went on couple of dates quite awhile ago and she wasnít interested in meeting since. So stop pursuing her. If her other plans fall through and she starts pursuing you, just tell her you moved on.

I recommend treating first few dates as just getting to know someone, donít treat it as ďmeant to be dream come trueĒ etc Give it time
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Old 07-12-2019, 06:04 PM   #13
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

Well, actually, she put out a lot of mixed signals. We talked a lot about taoist sex and more so Karezza. And of course, that kind of conversation would pull me in. She was into push - pulling but had zero awareness of it; no thank you.

Sorry, no, "she's the one" bs fantasies here. I'm long over the Walt Disney version of "romance". I feel she wanted me to pursue her. That's an old story for me. I'm very good at it, but it never ends well. I basically now have an acute awareness of when my primal self takes over. I can turn it off now. I no longer want to have unconscious "mating" sex. I want to be conscious now. I want to bond with someone. While she talked a good game about this with me. Her unconscious actions spoke more loudly. I simply wanted to transcend the bs we were co-creating. Simply put, she couldn't see it.

I told her I was bowing out of the chase. She seemed confused and moreover pissed. Truth be told, I feel so much better!!! Relieved!
As much as I like her; I feel I dodged a bullet.

I think this is the first time I simply walked away. It feels good to make a mature decision. Thank you all for your input and wisdom.
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Old 07-13-2019, 10:47 AM   #14
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

@divine1966 thanks again for your input on these forums. I find social, friendly, polite often gets interpreted as interest also. Your post reminds me that it's important to say out loud, "I am not interested in having another date". Ack, so simple and I don't know what blocks me from communicating correctly! Note to self once again.
I guess actually what stops me is that once all the hormones and love stuff start flowing I become ambivalent even when I know that I am not interested.
There is also ambivalence if we have common interests so I might want to carry on a friendship in future but not a date.

I have a load of work to do on friendships, relationships, boundaries and such yes/ no communication issues. Ack, and double ack, but thanks for the useful pointers .
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:54 AM   #15
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

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Iíve been on dates when men thought it will be happily ever after just because I was nice to them and polite, they were surprised I wasnít interested in another date.
Am I the only one who thinks this is strange? I've seen guys like this and I wonder if women in their daily lives treat them like garbage because it's like they've never seen simple etiquette before.

I think it's more likely that they see what they want to see. If two different women showed them the exact same behavior, the one they're attracted to would be expressing her undying love to him, while the one they're not attracted to they barely even noticed.

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I told her I was bowing out of the chase. She seemed confused and moreover pissed. Truth be told, I feel so much better!!! Relieved!
As much as I like her; I feel I dodged a bullet.
Sounds like you did.
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Old 07-13-2019, 01:41 PM   #16
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

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@divine1966 thanks again for your input on these forums. I find social, friendly, polite often gets interpreted as interest also. Your post reminds me that it's important to say out loud, "I am not interested in having another date". Ack, so simple and I don't know what blocks me from communicating correctly! Note to self once again.
I guess actually what stops me is that once all the hormones and love stuff start flowing I become ambivalent even when I know that I am not interested.
There is also ambivalence if we have common interests so I might want to carry on a friendship in future but not a date.

I have a load of work to do on friendships, relationships, boundaries and such yes/ no communication issues. Ack, and double ack, but thanks for the useful pointers .
Im glad you are finding it helpful! Sending you hugs

I have to say that sometimes being direct could be unsafe so there are times when itís better to say something via electronic communication.

I once was on a very bad date and when I responded to him asking me on a second date politely declining, he behaved in a very aggressive manner. Luckily we were in a public place. But for a moment I thought ďdang it I wish I didnít endanger myself like thisĒ.

When itís not a relationship but just few dates it might be ok to say nothing since it could be unsafe to be direct! Especially if the other person is adamant they have some kind of feelings for me after just a date or a few! That could be scary
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Old 07-13-2019, 01:49 PM   #17
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

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Am I the only one who thinks this is strange? I've seen guys like this and I wonder if women in their daily lives treat them like garbage because it's like they've never seen simple etiquette before.
.
I donít think itís that. I think that many men and women lack insight, ability to reflect and basic observation skills. They just donít know what they are looking at: basic courtesy or a meaningful connection.

Iíve met women who thought a man is about to propose when he just wanted booty call or maybe not even that and he was clear and honest about it. And they still thought he is about to buy a ring. when people are desperate for love, they become blind to common sense and are in complete denial of whatís really going on.

Desperation is a sure way to a disaster. And it happens to the best of us. Men and women. Clarity escapes us when we only see what we want to see because we want something so badly.
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Old 07-13-2019, 01:52 PM   #18
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

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I once was on a very bad date and when I responded to him asking me on a second date politely declining, he behaved in a very aggressive manner. Luckily we were in a public place. But for a moment I thought ďdang it I wish I didnít endanger myself like thisĒ.
Interesting. I've done the entire spectrum of "No," from white lying my way out of the situation - yes, I have a boyfriend, yes, I have somewhere I need to be, yes, you can have my number *gives fake number* - to threatening someone with a shovel.

In my experience, there has been no "correct" response to such aggressive advances. They understood the "soft no" perfectly fine. They merely refused to accept it and hoped that escalation would wear me down (it didn't).
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Old 07-13-2019, 02:02 PM   #19
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

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Interesting. I've done the entire spectrum of "No," from white lying my way out of the situation - yes, I have a boyfriend, yes, I have somewhere I need to be, yes, you can have my number *gives fake number* - to threatening someone with a shovel.

In my experience, there has been no "correct" response to such aggressive advances. They understood the "soft no" perfectly fine. They merely refused to accept it and hoped that escalation would wear me down (it didn't).
I hear you. I can write a book about people pursuing me after I was very very clear that I have zero interest. And I am not ambivalent or unclear. I am blunt to a fault and still quiet significant number of people refused to get the message. And itís not generational or age or location. My daughter had identical experiences and we obviously not same age lol and donít live in the same area

I also think some people have hard time with rejection and canít accept that someone just isnít interested. They are convinced that they just have to do or say something and people will change their mind.
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Old 07-15-2019, 01:25 PM   #20
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Default Re: Hot-Cold, Pursuer - Distancer, Rescheduling

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I hear you. I can write a book about people pursuing me after I was very very clear that I have zero interest. And I am not ambivalent or unclear. I am blunt to a fault and still, quiet significant number of people refused to get the message. And itís not generational or age or location. My daughter had identical experiences and we obviously not same age lol and donít live in the same area

I also think some people have hard time with rejection and canít accept that someone just isnít interested. They are convinced that they just have to do or say something and people will change their mind.
I get it. It's tough being a beauty and having men chase you all the time. I'm sure for those women that possess great beauty; men are a damn nuisance! Moreover, you tell them flat out "no!" and they want you even more! To me this is all about the primal chase; "The mating game", if you will. It's all very unconscious and driven by the hard wiring of our DNA. It's like if I never had a choice. But now I feel I do.

I guess I should have prefaced this in my original post. I'm 54 and have had some awakening around this topic. Thankfully my testosterone is no longer raging like it use to and I can finally think with my head and heart vs the little head in my pants!

I got lucky, another women came into my life. Let's call her A. A is simply a considerate, kind and thoughtful person. She doesn't get my juices flowing like the woman who is the topic of this thread, let's call her R.

R and I hit it off and took off like a rocket ship. I personally think this scared her as it did me! For me it was the typical pattern of lust; of the fall in love then fall out of love pattern. Which to me is not love at all. For the most part, R is a somewhat aware and evolved woman. She is also very beautiful on the outside. But I think she had zero awareness that we were in a push-pull situation. Especially after I mentioned it, immediately she deflected any co-responsibility and squarely placed the blame on me. It was the last red flag for me.

Sorry, don't have a lot of time to write this. I'll cut to the point. In short, A was simply considerate and mindful of me and my feelings. After dealing with R I was sooooo thankful for A's kindness and moreover thoughtfulness. It made me aware of how I would like to be treated. Which I wasn't getting from R, but boy was she beautiful! I feel I make lots of excuses for beautiful women. I believe this is caused by my primal drive to want to "mate" with them. Initially, I was not nearly as attracted physically to A as I am to R. But once I released myself from R and walked away. It gave me more space to appreciate A as a person. And as each day goes by I become more and more attracted to her, because of her personality or essence of being, if you will. In short, A is a really sweet person and it really turns me on! Am I finally growing up?!

In conclusion, I am trying to move to more of a bonding situation sexually. In short, sex without the goal of orgasm. So the whole primal, autopilot thing is about the chase and mating with someone. To me, a lot of that happens unconsciously. And at some point, we awaken and ask ourselves. "What am I doing with this person?"

I'm simply trying to go another direction.

Edit: Just realizing I was feeling attached to certain projections I had made regarding being with R. So of course I own that! I did that to myself. And then I un-did it! Once again, so relieved, energetically feel so much better now that I have freed myself. Letting go and surrender is now my go to when I get hung up. And, yes, I got myself hung up. It's so much easier when you own your stuff.

Last edited by zeninfinity; 07-15-2019 at 02:36 PM..
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