advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Cleo6
Member
Cleo6 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2016
Location: England
Posts: 147
8 yr Member
21 hugs
given
Default Jul 13, 2019 at 09:53 AM
  #1
I use to go to church and would talk to one of the mums there then last year we started meeting up outside of church to the point we would see each other most weekends and do things with the kids. She has bpd and after a very difficult therapy session I didnt phone her when i said i would half an hour later she phoned me up shouting down the phone to me and since then sometimes I experience anxiety around her. She wanted to meet up in the summer holidays and I said that I was busy but had lots of time in sept. She deleted me off Facebook and when I realised I asked her why and she said she didnt think we were friends anymore. We met for a hot choc and it was ok then I didnt hear from her for 2 weeks so I messaged her about going to the cinema with the kids so we went to the cinema together and now it's been another 2 weeks and theres been no contact from her and she hasn't re added me onto fb. I dont know what to do I'm tempted to just wait to see if shes going to contact me as I've made the effort the last 2 times and I start feeling really anxious thinking about contacting her but I also miss her. I dont know what to do for the best
Cleo6 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, chihirochild, HowDoYouFeelMeow?, Misery Business, Miss P
 
Thanks for this!
Anonymous45127, Bill3, Miss P

advertisement
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 13, 2019 at 10:07 AM
  #2
The whole thing is way too much work IMO. A friendship of any kind should not involve so much wondering and anxiety.

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Anonymous45127, Cleo6, HowDoYouFeelMeow?
Taylor27
healing from trauma
 
Taylor27's Avatar
Taylor27 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Alberta
Posts: 30,425 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
24.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 13, 2019 at 10:14 AM
  #3
That seems very immature on her part. It's very hard to be friends that are like that. I would not take it personally. She has some issues going on herself. Hugs.
Taylor27 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Cleo6, Omers
Cleo6
Member
Cleo6 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2016
Location: England
Posts: 147
8 yr Member
21 hugs
given
Default Jul 13, 2019 at 10:36 AM
  #4
I dont have any other friends to meet up with though they have all gone. I talk to mums at the park but I havent got anyone I can chat to about how I feel or any problems. I miss her but my anxiety is starting to get really high about her. We are meant to be going out together in about 3 weeks we have tickets for it. She will probably get in contact as she will want a lift
Cleo6 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Misterpain
Member
Misterpain has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 487
5 yr Member
Default Jul 14, 2019 at 12:30 AM
  #5
First and fore most let me crush some people's perceptions ,i realize why and how social media has evolved ,and this an indictment of all the silly shallow instant gratification,need for positive reinforcement ,need for validation of personal opinions etc etc etc.

It's not real ,beneficial for most people or even remotely helpfull to have Facebook friends ,because by and large they are "transactional friends" I run in about 75 different groups and have probably 3 or 400 Facebook friends , transactional meaning one of us had or needed something be it experience knowledge a certain widget ,we connected we friended each other ,but neither of us had any real interpersonal connection or level of investment in growing a real dedicated supportive relationship .

It is way to easy to add and subtract transactional friends on social media , and people have developed some measure of reliance on transactional friends as measure of defining themselves there success ,etc.
You don't need or want those kind of friends and can't let social media define anything but social media .

Your real friends & family are those that always love and support you regardless of what's happening in the world . Most of my real life close friends aren't even connected on social media ,we literaly have no intrest in seeking a shallow meaningless connection ,and sometimes we aren't exactly chatty people it may be weeks or months between calls ,however when we do connect up its like no time has elapsed . We know each other to such a high degree just the tone of our voice when we answer the phone is revealing how we are .

So realize a healthy relationship is like building something you need a foundation , you need a level of safety (you are free to be you, the good, bad or ugly as it maybe and the same applies to them ) and within that relationship you are kinda like amino acid chains always building on your past to help maintain the future relationship.

So it would be good to keep transactional friends as transactions instead of a burdensome troubling non meaningfull connection . I know we have to start somewhere ,anywhere as a point of genuine connection ,but there's an old saying about relationships the ones you meet in church are religous ,the ones you meet at a bar are alcoholics now or in the future , the ones you meet in between those 2 extremes are the healthy ones that are worth the investment .

All to often in modern day "church friends " are very much transactional , if the relationship only exists because it happened well you were both there to pray or get away from something in everday life, is there a deeper foundation that you can build on ,it sounds to me like the answer is no. So dont use this relationship as yardstick, give people enough rope to either be dangerous or common sense prevails and you didnt have anything to worry about in the first place ,and in this case it sounds like the anxiety from this on/off relationship is setting you for greater anxiety in a never ending cycle , as you say you have put in the effort the last two trys at re establishing a connection,either cut to the chase and confront them or feed out the line and whatever happens happens ,but you need off the anxiety go round.
I hope this is helpfull and you find a way forward in making a solid connection or saying this is transactional ,put effort into other relationships. because this one is never going to mature .[/QUOTE]
Misterpain is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous43949
Guest
Anonymous43949 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jul 14, 2019 at 10:55 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo6 View Post
She wanted to meet up in the summer holidays and I said that I was busy but had lots of time in sept. She deleted me off Facebook and when I realised I asked her why and she said she didnt think we were friends anymore.
It sounds to me like she is desiring instant gratification. Like she wants your friendship to satisfy her immediate needs (for companionship, distraction, etc.) and is not willing to wait if you can't provide that for her.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
hvert
Grand Magnate
 
hvert's Avatar
hvert has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 4,887
10 yr Member
3,785 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 15, 2019 at 08:02 AM
  #7
I would try to take the energy you currently invest in this woman and use it to find new friends or people to do things with. She will probably always be hot and cold with you so the anxiety around the relationship isn't likely to go away.
hvert is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Cleo6
Member
Cleo6 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2016
Location: England
Posts: 147
8 yr Member
21 hugs
given
Default Jul 16, 2019 at 11:57 AM
  #8
Thank you for all your replies. When I say church it's a single parent group that the church organises which meet once a month. We have both been going for about 8 years and have probably been friends on fb for over 5 years even though we would only see each other and chat at group. Just over a year ago we started meeting up together days out, staying over at mine, chatting couple of times a week on the phone, going to the gym twice a week etc. Weve booked a holiday together for october so we are more than transitional friends. I text her about a bbq on sunday and the response I got was virtually all about her. I've decided I'm just gonna leave her now and see if she contacts me. I dont have it mentally in me to keep trying. I've made contact 3 times with her now so I'm waiting to see if and when she decides to contact me
Cleo6 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
penguinh
Veteran Member
 
penguinh's Avatar
penguinh trying again
 
Member Since: Dec 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 692
10 yr Member
119 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 17, 2019 at 10:13 AM
  #9
I think this has to do with her BDP. When you cancelled plans with her or tell her you're busy. She probably felt betrayed/ sad/ anxious and people with BDP are often black and white with their relationships. It's all or nothing. She went from idolizing you/ your friendship to devaluing it and seeing you as an enemy. It honestly has more to do with her than it does you.

__________________
penguinh is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:17 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.