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Member Since Mar 2016
Location: England
Posts: 147
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#1
I use to go to church and would talk to one of the mums there then last year we started meeting up outside of church to the point we would see each other most weekends and do things with the kids. She has bpd and after a very difficult therapy session I didnt phone her when i said i would half an hour later she phoned me up shouting down the phone to me and since then sometimes I experience anxiety around her. She wanted to meet up in the summer holidays and I said that I was busy but had lots of time in sept. She deleted me off Facebook and when I realised I asked her why and she said she didnt think we were friends anymore. We met for a hot choc and it was ok then I didnt hear from her for 2 weeks so I messaged her about going to the cinema with the kids so we went to the cinema together and now it's been another 2 weeks and theres been no contact from her and she hasn't re added me onto fb. I dont know what to do I'm tempted to just wait to see if shes going to contact me as I've made the effort the last 2 times and I start feeling really anxious thinking about contacting her but I also miss her. I dont know what to do for the best
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Bill3, chihirochild, HowDoYouFeelMeow?, Misery Business, Miss P
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Anonymous45127, Bill3, Miss P
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Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
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#2
The whole thing is way too much work IMO. A friendship of any kind should not involve so much wondering and anxiety.
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Anonymous45127, Cleo6, HowDoYouFeelMeow?
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healing from trauma
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Alberta
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#3
That seems very immature on her part. It's very hard to be friends that are like that. I would not take it personally. She has some issues going on herself. Hugs.
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Cleo6, Omers
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Member
Member Since Mar 2016
Location: England
Posts: 147
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#4
I dont have any other friends to meet up with though they have all gone. I talk to mums at the park but I havent got anyone I can chat to about how I feel or any problems. I miss her but my anxiety is starting to get really high about her. We are meant to be going out together in about 3 weeks we have tickets for it. She will probably get in contact as she will want a lift
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Member
Member Since May 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 487
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#5
First and fore most let me crush some people's perceptions ,i realize why and how social media has evolved ,and this an indictment of all the silly shallow instant gratification,need for positive reinforcement ,need for validation of personal opinions etc etc etc.
It's not real ,beneficial for most people or even remotely helpfull to have Facebook friends ,because by and large they are "transactional friends" I run in about 75 different groups and have probably 3 or 400 Facebook friends , transactional meaning one of us had or needed something be it experience knowledge a certain widget ,we connected we friended each other ,but neither of us had any real interpersonal connection or level of investment in growing a real dedicated supportive relationship . It is way to easy to add and subtract transactional friends on social media , and people have developed some measure of reliance on transactional friends as measure of defining themselves there success ,etc. You don't need or want those kind of friends and can't let social media define anything but social media . Your real friends & family are those that always love and support you regardless of what's happening in the world . Most of my real life close friends aren't even connected on social media ,we literaly have no intrest in seeking a shallow meaningless connection ,and sometimes we aren't exactly chatty people it may be weeks or months between calls ,however when we do connect up its like no time has elapsed . We know each other to such a high degree just the tone of our voice when we answer the phone is revealing how we are . So realize a healthy relationship is like building something you need a foundation , you need a level of safety (you are free to be you, the good, bad or ugly as it maybe and the same applies to them ) and within that relationship you are kinda like amino acid chains always building on your past to help maintain the future relationship. So it would be good to keep transactional friends as transactions instead of a burdensome troubling non meaningfull connection . I know we have to start somewhere ,anywhere as a point of genuine connection ,but there's an old saying about relationships the ones you meet in church are religous ,the ones you meet at a bar are alcoholics now or in the future , the ones you meet in between those 2 extremes are the healthy ones that are worth the investment . All to often in modern day "church friends " are very much transactional , if the relationship only exists because it happened well you were both there to pray or get away from something in everday life, is there a deeper foundation that you can build on ,it sounds to me like the answer is no. So dont use this relationship as yardstick, give people enough rope to either be dangerous or common sense prevails and you didnt have anything to worry about in the first place ,and in this case it sounds like the anxiety from this on/off relationship is setting you for greater anxiety in a never ending cycle , as you say you have put in the effort the last two trys at re establishing a connection,either cut to the chase and confront them or feed out the line and whatever happens happens ,but you need off the anxiety go round. I hope this is helpfull and you find a way forward in making a solid connection or saying this is transactional ,put effort into other relationships. because this one is never going to mature .[/QUOTE] |
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#6
It sounds to me like she is desiring instant gratification. Like she wants your friendship to satisfy her immediate needs (for companionship, distraction, etc.) and is not willing to wait if you can't provide that for her.
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: US
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#7
I would try to take the energy you currently invest in this woman and use it to find new friends or people to do things with. She will probably always be hot and cold with you so the anxiety around the relationship isn't likely to go away.
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Member
Member Since Mar 2016
Location: England
Posts: 147
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#8
Thank you for all your replies. When I say church it's a single parent group that the church organises which meet once a month. We have both been going for about 8 years and have probably been friends on fb for over 5 years even though we would only see each other and chat at group. Just over a year ago we started meeting up together days out, staying over at mine, chatting couple of times a week on the phone, going to the gym twice a week etc. Weve booked a holiday together for october so we are more than transitional friends. I text her about a bbq on sunday and the response I got was virtually all about her. I've decided I'm just gonna leave her now and see if she contacts me. I dont have it mentally in me to keep trying. I've made contact 3 times with her now so I'm waiting to see if and when she decides to contact me
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Veteran Member
Member Since Dec 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 692
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#9
I think this has to do with her BDP. When you cancelled plans with her or tell her you're busy. She probably felt betrayed/ sad/ anxious and people with BDP are often black and white with their relationships. It's all or nothing. She went from idolizing you/ your friendship to devaluing it and seeing you as an enemy. It honestly has more to do with her than it does you.
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