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Trish2019
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 10:25 AM
  #1
My younger sister and I are in our 40s and we haven’t spoke in a couple months. It’s my fault but I don’t know how to turn off my feelings. She is very kind and works hard but I tend to criticize her like a child. We had a tough childhood and I was put in charge. As we got older, I graduated college, got married, and had kids. She started doing drugs and getting into one bad relationship after another. She pulled herself out of all that and has now been clean for over 10 years but I think the drugs may have stunted her emotional growth. The problem (to me) is that she doesn’t know how to act in most situations. . Very, very loud. Constant loud laugh, dresses inappropriately. She acts like she is in a bar.
I want her in my life but as a mother it’s hard to invite her places because I get horribly embarrassed. None of her clothes are appropriate for a school functions yet she wants to come to the kids events.
I did the mistake of finally telling her how I felt and now we aren’t talking.

Please help. I love her dearly.
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 02:14 PM
  #2
Hi Trish. You certainly have my sympathy -- for years I felt this way about my sister. Loved her dearly, and we were super close; could almost read each others' minds and that sort of thing. But she was much as you've described your sister: Loud, brash, rushing in where angels feared to tread, and imo attracted all the wrong kinds of attention to herself. She had a form of social immaturity and Aspergers, which could make her tough to be around -- and she was famous for her temper and going off half-cocked on half the information she really needed to make a mature decision. She was also huge amounts of fun, smart as a whip, impulsively generous (sometimes to her own HUGE detriment) , smart-mouthed and hilarious.
Sometimes I found her exhausting. She could weary me and wear me out. And I have been mortified in the past when she would pop up in the midst of people I knew well, and so/say/shout something inappropriate or just too loud. Finally decided that I'd be cautious with my friends -- She was family after all; I just laughed and rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah that's my sister Laenie. She's Four-foot-nine of intense." Shrugged and went on about my business/fun/whatever. Some people got used to her, some never did; Oh well?

I miss her. She's been gone for many years, and I still wake up thinking, "I gotta call Laenie and tell her...." That's not an option for me anymore.

Whatever you decide, your sister's personality is probably pretty well formed and set by this age. Doesn't mean she can't and won't learn and grow and change -- we all do. But she is who she is, and you'll need to decide how much of that you want in your life.

Best,

Chyia
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 06:07 PM
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Wow. Thank you so much Chyia. This is exactly how I feel. My sister is an amazing person and I’m tearing up just thinking If something were to happen to her. I do need to just accept her (quirks and all). I see my friends out with their sisters and I get jealous but your note reminded me that I still have someone to be thankful for.
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 08:16 PM
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It sounds to me like you really love your sister and you miss her. I hope the two of you are able to get back together and talk about some things. I understand how you feel about your sister’s behavior. Personally I don’t think you can share with her everything you feel about it because she has a right to be who she wants to be. It does sound like she truly loves you and your family and will enjoy being involved in your lives. I see no reason you can’t involve her in your life but with certain limits. Surely she doesn’t include you on every aspect of her life either. Best of luck to you. I truly hope it works out well for you and her both. Embarrassed by sister.  Please help.
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 08:36 PM
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Thank you sisabel. I do love her dearly and i wish we could do more together but my embarrassment stops me. Your reply has helped. Thank you.
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 09:27 PM
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How well does/did she get along with your kids?

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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 03:14 PM
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I would suggest you look inward. Whatever is bothering you about her is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Perhaps there is a part of you that would like to be like her and you resent her being able to be all the things you put her down about? Perhaps you envy her freedom and her not having any filters?

Overall, she is not the problem. The problem is you and your feelings towards her. Again look inward and try to figure out what is triggering you and moreover why is it triggering you? You might want to look at this situation and your sister as a spiritual practice. Everytime something that doesn't feel good about her, look inward to yourself instead of outward and blaming her for how you feel. My best guess is that there is some old story playing out between you and your sister? Perhaps it's time to heal those wounds and move on?

Your sister is perfect just the way she is. She loves you, just the way you are and does not put any qualifiers/judgements on you. Can you do the same for her?

"True love is the recognition of another in yourself." - Eckhart Tolle.

Last edited by zeninfinity; Jul 15, 2019 at 06:19 PM..
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 03:17 AM
  #8
From an addiction standpoint this is what I have heard and believe: The day or time from we start abusing drugs and alcohol its like our maturity just stops in its tracks- it freezes. Its like the substance abuse halts our ability to grow and mature and move forward. When we get sober theoretically we are supposed to resume maturing and growing. I believe that is because we are no longer hiding behind our addictions. In theory, your sister would have gotten sober and done some serious self reflection and changing and be able to make strides covering the ground she missed when she was using. But some people do not do this. How did she get sober? Did she go to rehab or use a 12 step program or just stop the drugs? Self reflection is a must when you stop using drugs and alcohol. Without that you are the same addict just without using the substance.

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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 09:08 AM
  #9
I don't believe you made a mistake at all.

I may be stretching this but I think it is possible she is bipolar.
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