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magicalprince
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 05:08 AM
  #1
I find it really hard to talk about myself. It's like I don't know where or when I can talk about myself without being a burden to others. I never know if anyone cares or if they are just putting up with me. I know I'm blinded by a lot of shame but at the same time I just don't really know how to talk about myself or what I should say. When I do talk about myself I always feel guilty. Also I am afraid of people asking me questions about myself because I usually don't want to answer but I don't want to say that I don't want to answer because it seems awkward. Yet at the same time, I am extremely lonely and have lived with feeling like my life is passing me by for a really long time. It just feels like nothing has ever been like it's supposed to be and so I can never talk about it and I'm always hiding the reality and so it hardly ever changes either...

Anyone relate? Thoughts?
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 09:36 AM
  #2
I sort of relate.

my life is, compared to most people, boring

I don't vacation

I don't go out with friends to the movies or the mall

I didn't make it through school, so can't really talk about that

I don't have a relationship and I don't have kids

I have no plans for the future

usually, the words talk about yourself mean to me well, talk about your issues- and then I start talking about the abuse I suffered, the bipolar, the anxiety, the physical pain, I then realise that people don't want to be hearing about that stuff (they want to hear good positive stuff about me), so I just shut up.
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 09:39 AM
  #3
even today: I was at church and someone asked me what my name was

I didn't respond, because you could bet your life the next question would be something like: so what do you do in life?

(I'd totally suck at a job interview.)
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 12:59 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
I sort of relate.

my life is, compared to most people, boring

I don't vacation

I don't go out with friends to the movies or the mall

I didn't make it through school, so can't really talk about that

I don't have a relationship and I don't have kids

I have no plans for the future

usually, the words talk about yourself mean to me well, talk about your issues- and then I start talking about the abuse I suffered, the bipolar, the anxiety, the physical pain, I then realise that people don't want to be hearing about that stuff (they want to hear good positive stuff about me), so I just shut up.
Hmm, yeah. Not living a normal life is a lot of the problem for me too. I was never really "normal" and I fell off the beaten path really young.

It feels like I'm just not on the same page as other people, all the things they see as normal things to talk about aren't really relevant or interesting to me but it's like I'm "wrong" because everyone else wants to talk about those things.

Then again, a lot of times even when I do have things in common with people I still say nothing. Not sure what the deal is there. Maybe I just always feel like I'm being or am going to be judged ...
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 04:37 PM
  #5
I had a period of time where I felt the same way as you. I just grew out of it. I think it had something to do with my mental illness. I went through a outpatient treatment facility and the counselors and clients in that environment made me feel okay, kinda supported a sense of "hey you're not the only one going through this". I later graduated from high school, a year late. That made me feel very embarrassed. Whenever people ask me what school I'm going to, I lied and said a local college. And later, I could not even stand being in somewhat vicinity of that person where we could possibly interact again. I later got into a local college, not the best, but with me being in recovery and working hard, I got through college. Then navigate life. I found that growing up does happen as time goes by. But know that the individual is only a percentage of factors that contribute to living a satisfying life. Most time, one's got to change his or her environment, like a out of a rut kind of move, that can vary from person to person. If you're feeling like life is being interrupted by all the " happenings" like abuse or trauma, instead of progressing with job, school, career development, etc, I'm sure there is a way to deal and rise above. Your environment is very important, learn to identify the things in your community to rally yourself through it. I wish you the best, and know that a community of resources are behind you.
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Thanks for this!
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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 06:10 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Altec View Post
I had a period of time where I felt the same way as you. I just grew out of it. I think it had something to do with my mental illness. I went through a outpatient treatment facility and the counselors and clients in that environment made me feel okay, kinda supported a sense of "hey you're not the only one going through this". I later graduated from high school, a year late. That made me feel very embarrassed. Whenever people ask me what school I'm going to, I lied and said a local college. And later, I could not even stand being in somewhat vicinity of that person where we could possibly interact again. I later got into a local college, not the best, but with me being in recovery and working hard, I got through college. Then navigate life. I found that growing up does happen as time goes by. But know that the individual is only a percentage of factors that contribute to living a satisfying life. Most time, one's got to change his or her environment, like a out of a rut kind of move, that can vary from person to person. If you're feeling like life is being interrupted by all the " happenings" like abuse or trauma, instead of progressing with job, school, career development, etc, I'm sure there is a way to deal and rise above. Your environment is very important, learn to identify the things in your community to rally yourself through it. I wish you the best, and know that a community of resources are behind you.
I always like to hear positive stories like this... thank you

Just thinking out loud about how that relates to my own situation:

Yes my environment is quite bad, problem being it was always bad, so it's a catch .22. I'm stuck because my environment's bad, my environment stays bad because I'm stuck. Well that said, I have been improving in the last few years, yet still it remains hard to talk about me. It would definitely be easier to talk about my life if I felt like my life represented me and what I value, but it never has done that on the surface, so I always wished people could see beyond the surface but really that is too much to ask usually. Yet it still makes me sad because I mean, I don't judge other people for their environment, but I do tend to feel judged myself. Maybe I do judge myself.

Really... I am ashamed of my environment and my issues and I feel overly responsible for it. When I was a child my parents put way too much responsibility and blame and too many expectations on me for whatever happened in our lives. I felt responsible for everything even though I was helpless to do anything about it. So I just felt ashamed of myself in the end for being incapable....

There is a real disconnect between what is happening in my life and my environment vs how I want things to be. I guess I wish I could show people how I want things to be, so I don't want to show them how things are. But people only ever seem to want to know how things presently are in my life, they're rarely curious about how I WANT them to be, unless maybe if I am actively achieving those goals. But if I can't then it's like people just get annoyed at my inability to do so.

Ironically though I avoid the things I actually want to do because that feeling of being incapable makes it really depressing to desire things that I feel like I'm unable to achieve.

So really the problem is that I feel helpless and I never learned how to help myself or ask for help. And I fear that if I try to get help others will just get annoyed at me for feeling helpless and people always try to push me way past my comfort zone without listening to my discomfort so then I end up running away.
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