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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 11:23 AM
  #1
Hey, everyone.

If anyone has been following me, you may know I was in a relationship that I constantly struggled with and posted about on this sub-forum. I finally broke free and ended that relationship earlier this year, and I have never felt better! I have much more energy, more free time for myself, and more enthusiasm do get out and enjoy life!

I've also met this guy. Not just any guy, but someone who "gets me," who shares the same passions in life. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh, the best part of my day is receiving a message from him.

We haven't officially started dating, partially because we're long distance right now, and we're waiting to hang out again in person to figure things out.

He obviously likes me. Like, REALLY obviously. We flirt, we talk frequently, he's constantly complimenting me or making inside jokes. We've talked on the phone to the point where it's hard to hang up. I'm just as equally enamored with him. Thus, the "sea of love." I've never felt this way before.

But with the distance and everything that happened with my last relationship (not feeling like enough, constantly disappointing my ex, my ex not communicating his feelings properly), I feel like a sinking ship. I'm constantly doubting if this new guy actually likes me. I worry I'm being annoying because my last text I sent was "too flirty," or if I'm messaging him too many times during the day. I get freaked out if he takes a long time to reply or seems to be "ignoring" my texts. I KNOW that people get too busy and can't reply sometimes. I'm trying really hard to not be so distrusting. It's just so easy for me to think that I'm going to mess things up.

And I really don't want to. This might be the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm just so constantly worried. It sucks because this brought me so much joy before, but in the past week I've just been so nervous that I'm gonna cross the line somehow.

I get to see him in person in a few weeks, and I'm craving being able to talk in person. To figure out what we are. To be held and told it's going to be ok.

But I don't want to NEED that. Sure, it'll be nice to have once it's here. But I need that trust to come from within. I don't want to be paranoid anymore because I should be able to relax and TRUST that he likes me. But I'm just stuck in the old thinking habits of my past relationship.

Help. How do I just let myself be loved by the most perfect human? All I want is to let love in and not be so damn hard on myself.
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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 01:38 PM
  #2
Just know this this guy is not going to be perfect, he will have faults as no human being is ever perfect. It's important that you not create something in your mind about him being the one that is going to make your life all better either. That is not healthy for anyone to do and can set you up for some big disappointment or to expect more from someone you only know online and have never spent time with in person. Take this slowly and it's ok to have an open mind, but try hard not to put so much weight on this where you end up getting hurt.
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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 02:03 PM
  #3
Thank you, I really appreciate that perspective. My friends have told me something similar.

I've been trying to have self-reliance, and most of my happiness nowadays does come genuinely from myself and enjoying life in the moment—something that I forgot how to do! I relied way too much on my relationship last time to make me happy (which it didn't). Both he and I are taking things slow, which is so good because again, the last relationship moved WAYY to fast. If anything, I'm being too cautious haha.

Something else I want to be careful of is making sure I stay true to myself, not trying too hard to impress this guy. The good thing is, he makes me WANT to be myself, but of course, I still need to be careful, just as you said.
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 03:29 AM
  #4
Until you see him in person its very hard to convey all the subtext with texting. You need to lay eyes on him.

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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 10:01 AM
  #5
I am in a similar situation and I am also a bit afraid. I think it is because it is an unfamiliar situation and we are so used to love being a certain way- and perhaps filled with despair and resentment and pain. It is almost difficult to accept someone who is good for you because then you have something to lose. What if it is a cruel joke and they get taken away? I think it is always hard but with the right person, the way you are, will not scare them away. What's meant to be will be.

I find that with this new love, I do not have to tone myself down out of fear of scaring her away like I have had to in the past with everybody else.

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Default Jul 24, 2019 at 08:27 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by penguinh View Post
I am in a similar situation and I am also a bit afraid. I think it is because it is an unfamiliar situation and we are so used to love being a certain way- and perhaps filled with despair and resentment and pain. It is almost difficult to accept someone who is good for you because then you have something to lose. What if it is a cruel joke and they get taken away? I think it is always hard but with the right person, the way you are, will not scare them away. What's meant to be will be.

I find that with this new love, I do not have to tone myself down out of fear of scaring her away like I have had to in the past with everybody else.
I definitely resonate with this! Especially the bolded part. What if I do something to mess things up and make him not like me? This is my biggest struggle all summer. I just need to learn how to turn off that switch that so easily doubts people's intentions.
It's a silly way to think because he is obviously taking the time to talk to me, call me, even visit me in person. He has told me how I make him laugh. Pretty undeniable, right? :P

I'm really happy you found someone who suits you! And yes, you shouldn't have to tone yourself down... love should make you excited, and no one should contain that excitement!

I seem to go through phases where I feel all happy about our "thing," and then I get nervous and anxious about it. Honestly just not talking about things in person is hard, but the wait is getting shorter!
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Default Jul 24, 2019 at 10:11 AM
  #7
I can relate, @aimlesshiker! Perhaps this is going to sound stupud, but perhaps you can just TELL him that you have some problems with this? Just telling him "I have some problems with anxiety and self-love so that's why I may seem weird sometimes" may work if he truly loves you. He should just accept you for who you are. Of course it's important to work on yourself as well. It is important to understand that you are WORTHY of Love just like everyone else. I'd suggest to work with a therapist to explore this if you aren't already! Keep reminding yourself that you matter and that you deserve to be Loved and respected. Don't settle for anything LESS than that! I hope things will keep going well between you two! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH of you, aimlesshiker! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!
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Default Jul 24, 2019 at 03:32 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I can relate, @aimlesshiker! Perhaps this is going to sound stupud, but perhaps you can just TELL him that you have some problems with this? Just telling him "I have some problems with anxiety and self-love so that's why I may seem weird sometimes" may work if he truly loves you. He should just accept you for who you are.
Hi, Mickey,
Thanks for the love and support, as always! I always enjoy seeing your posts.

That's actually exactly what I plan on doing. THIS time, I'm going to be as clear and communicative as I can be. I want him to know about all my flaws, my insecurities and anxieties, as well as all the good things, even the mediocre things! From what I can tell, he's pretty open and accepting and willing to work things through.

I'm just waiting to do this in person. There's sort of an unspoken understanding between the two of us that all this discussion (and by that, I mean talk about our feelings towards other) will take place once we see each other. Sure, we could do it over the phone, but this is so important to us that we wouldn't want to do that!

edit: also, yes, I'm seeing a therapist. She has helped me identify all of these irrational thought processes. I will be seeing her a few days before I see him again... that was planned on purpose!

Last edited by aimlesshiker; Jul 24, 2019 at 04:00 PM..
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Default Jul 25, 2019 at 09:04 AM
  #9
Hi, I have only my 2 cents to add. When I met my bf, I felt like I needed to tell him everything, my flaws especially, so that he could "exit" if he felt he couldn't handle it. It wasn't a good idea. Leave some mystery to your life, if you can. I'd go back and not even mention my anxiety or problems with mental illness, maybe just a hint, but eventually this person you are meeting will judge for themselves. If you leave nothing for them to discover about you, it can take away from little delights he will find in you later on. Best wishes
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Default Jul 25, 2019 at 04:56 PM
  #10
Quote:
But with the distance and everything that happened with my last relationship (not feeling like enough, constantly disappointing my ex, my ex not communicating his feelings properly), I feel like a sinking ship. I'm constantly doubting if this new guy actually likes me. I worry I'm being annoying because my last text I sent was "too flirty," or if I'm messaging him too many times during the day. I get freaked out if he takes a long time to reply or seems to be "ignoring" my texts. I KNOW that people get too busy and can't reply sometimes. I'm trying really hard to not be so distrusting. It's just so easy for me to think that I'm going to mess things up.
It sounds like your last relationship is trying to have a disproportionate effect on this one. Good and important to be aware of this and keep it in mind.

Quote:
I don't want to be paranoid anymore because I should be able to relax and TRUST that he likes me. But I'm just stuck in the old thinking habits of my past relationship.
Imagine that you are driving a bus, the aimlesshiker bus.

There are some unruly passengers. They are calling out annoying things about the driver--you!

Even though you have these annoying passengers, you still can drive the bus.

You can still get to where you want to be.

So even though the passengers are annoying, keep on driving the bus! In other words, keep on making whatever decisions seem best to you. Realize that even though you might be stuck with the annoying passengers for a while, you can still reach your goals. The aimlesshiker bus can still reach its destination!

Quote:
Help. How do I just let myself be loved by the most perfect human? All I want is to let love in and not be so damn hard on myself.
Yes, definitely allow love to come on board!

Maybe you will still be hard on yourself. The annoying passengers might not just leave immediately. But even so the bus can become warmed by love! And still reach its destination.
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