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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 07:45 PM
  #1
Hey everyone, I need some advice. So basically I'm having problems with my stepfather. He's been married to my mother for two years or so now, but our relationship has always came on in swings. But now I can not tolerate him anymore.

Things started out really well, he was affectionate and understanding about my hesitation with letting people into my life. The first problem that I remember was when I sick with strep throat. He has a weak immune system so he had sprayed our RV with disinfectant and air freshener. But the place was less than thirty feet so it made the air really musty and hard to breath in. He and my mom got into a fight so I had to go out in a cold night and sit in the car. Then I was told not to interact with him.

And ever since we've had severe ups and downs. Sometimes we hug and have really deep conversations and laugh. Other times we ignore each other and treat each other coldly.

But for the last few weeks I can't even look at him without wanting to snap at him. I try to stay as far away from him as possible.

Last night we went to a Chinese restaurant but I chose not to eat because of him. I settled for the bowl of egg_drop soup that my mom insisted on and my root beer instead of ordering for myself.

I hate it when he claims me and my siblings as his step kids and claims MY house as his. And I hate everything that belongs to him and anyone who cares for him. I'm getting into bad fights with my mom about kicking him and his mother out. And when I think about him I don't always feel anger per say, I don't feel anything for him. Just hot coldness and blame.

He told me once that if I don't submit to a certain life style and personality that I would not make it into adulthood. And me already having dealt with emotional abuse, it hit me really hard. He said, in words. "You know your going to die, right?" All because I just want make my choices and live my life the way I want to.

And I'm at a complete loss of what to do. Has anyone else dealt with this, what do I do? I don't feel safe and comfortable in my own house because of him. Please help.

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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 03:55 AM
  #2
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He's been married to my mother for two years or so now, but our relationship has always came on in swings. But now I can not tolerate him anymore.

He has a weak immune system so he had sprayed our RV with disinfectant and air freshener. But the place was less than thirty feet so it made the air really musty and hard to breath in. He and my mom got into a fight so I had to go out in a cold night and sit in the car. Then I was told not to interact with him.

I'm getting into bad fights with my mom about kicking him and his mother out. And when I think about him I don't always feel anger per say, I don't feel anything for him. Just hot coldness and blame.
Wow, I would hate having to breath in disinfectant too! (that doesn't sound healthy at all ) That there are now at least 4 people living in a 30 foot RV sounds very stressful! No where for you to retreat to when you and your stepfather aren't getting along. Fights are going to happen and occassionally things will be said that aren't right; however, if he says things like you aren't going to make it or you are going to die often and isn't saying positive things/helping you then that's abusive.

It sounds like your mom might be submissive to him and that is a huge problem for you because you don't have ties to him since he has only been married to your mom for a couple of years. It is understandable that you sometimes feel anger or just nothing for him. That's OK, just try not to act out immediately when you feel angry. A very tough situation. May I ask, how old are you? When you are 18, you might want to consider enlisting in the military or applying for a scholarship/financial aide in order to get out of this stressful situation. From what you have said, your stepdad is likely to push you out when you graduate from high school.
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 05:08 AM
  #3
I don't mind sharing as long as it doesn't give away my identity. It is why I'm here, after all. So allow me to explain my situation in a bit more detail. So my parents have been divorced since I was around two. The court order was joined custody. (Or whatever it's called...) when I was around three or four, maybe five? My father married my former stepmother. Who was emotionally abusive until they divorced when I was thirteen.

And i close to my fourteenth birthday i lost my boyfriend (who i loved more than i could possibly say) to death. He was the one who let me be honest, he understood how angry and confused I was. He was the first one in years that didn't punish me for being open!

I dealt with grief on my own for almost a year now. I didn't have anywhere to turn. In this time I got into some trouble. Weeks after a lost him I wasn't completely honest with my former psychiatrist, I said I was suicidal but never explained why. I was hospitalized for ten days, and it didn't help, obviously, because it wasn't being approached correctly. My psychiatrist didn't know about my loss or the abuse. My family didn't know about my loss either.

The situation with my ex stepmother was really severe, I couldn't be what or who I wanted. I had no idea about social norms or what I wanted in life. All I knew was lying kept me out of trouble. Manipulation got my emotional needs met. Suddenly being thrown into a world with laws, expectations and a humane society was confusing and scary.

Unable to cope with my problems and adjust to fit social norms, I snapped. I became abusive with my parents. I fought with my mom to the point where I have as much authority as her, and if she tries to intervene I cut her right back down to size. I took it out on the dogs too, because i thought they were a lower life form to me.

I'm almost fifteen, my stepfather has a mother, (who lives in our new house) on death bed. She has a caretaker that comes around on week days to help her, but she acts like owns the place. I can't help but view her as petty and less important then me. My mom told me that I'm the first teen like myself she's ever met. That she's only seen others like me in murder documentaries. The ones that teens are locked up for years because of sociopathic behavior. I'm very intelligent, I knew exactly what she was thinking. I felt exposed, afraid, and threatened when she said that.

So despite what the court said, I risked my parents getting in trouble because I decided I didn't really love my mom so I stopped staying with her. I only come by to keep my insurance active.

I'm kinda hoping I might figure out how to manage my behavior on here as well as how to handle my family. So should I just keep pretending he doesn't exist? I honestly feel like he's a threat to me. For whatever reason. I'm really in need for advise at the moment, I don't want to be arrested. Are there any ways that I can feel less....well.... nothingness for him? Should I pretend I care about him? Should I try to understand him too?

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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 05:27 AM
  #4
Please don't assume you are a sociopath, etc. right now--you have been through a lot of trauma so it could be PTSD. You have had to just survive and you have done the best you can. Keep trying to open up to your psychiatrist. Do you trust them? I hope so. Since you are not 18, your info isn't private but you need for him/ her to understand the stress you have been under. I don't want you to end up with an unfair label. When you have had a chance to grieve and if you can manage to get into a better situation, you may find you are more normal than you think. What you have said in thread makes you sound perfectly "normal" and reasonable from my POV. The people around us can make us crazy. I recommend that you don't pretend to feel something for your stepdad. Just be respectful and keep your distance. When an elder person is on their deathbed, many times, their needs are put first. Having someone living with you who is dying is a very tough situation, no matter how you feel about her. I am sorry things are so tough for you. Hugs.
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 06:10 AM
  #5
I try not to make assumptions like that, I have read every article on Conduct Disorder and ASPD that I could find. I've made my mom read them too, but it made things worse because she inclined that I was just like that. I find it strangely amusing. I swear, she's the kind of person who runs around like a headless chicken, she hasn't been a good example so far.

But I guess I know why she thinks that, my father's side of the family is well known for violence and aggression. I'm the only child my mom has had with my father. My father (supposedly) physically abused my half siblings and emotionally abused her. And my dad is a survivor of both forms of abuse as well. I think she's afraid that I may have inherited something. I think she's holding it against me, is she afraid of me?

And I'm not seeing him anymore, I never liked him. He was my stepfather's choice, because he had helped him with his depression so well. They both thought medication would do the trick. (I'm just going to name my stepfather a fake name for convenience, let's call him Luca) Luca thought and still thinks that I'm dealing with mental illness. Although I believe I need pretty extreme therapy and life counseling. His problems are on the higher end, but mine are even more so. He's refusing to understand how much I need to work on.

Although it dose feel better to finally be talking about it. I just don't really like it when they act like I might attack them in a moment's notice. Its actually really provoking.

And if I can find a psychologist or something that I like. I'm not worried about not being eighteen. I can refuse Luca entry and let my mom know what information I want her to share. Now that I think about it, I sound really controlling, don't I?

But I appreciate that you have faith in me. It's actually really reassuring and motivating. Thank you.

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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 09:31 AM
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I've made my mom read them too, but it made things worse because she inclined that I was just like that. I find it strangely amusing. I swear, she's the kind of person who runs around like a headless chicken, she hasn't been a good example so far.

Although it dose feel better to finally be talking about it. I just don't really like it when they act like I might attack them in a moment's notice. Its actually really provoking.

And if I can find a psychologist or something that I like. I'm not worried about not being eighteen. I can refuse Luca entry and let my mom know what information I want her to share. Now that I think about it, I sound really controlling, don't I?
You are not being controlling. You are protecting yourself. It is unfortunate that you are in a situation where you need to.

I have a lot of anxiety, some depression, etc. and at times I have made the situation for my children worse. I didn't mean to, I love my children very much but have sometimes allowed fear of what could be cause me to muck things up (or I might be right about some of it but I have learned I need to give my children more space because I can't fix things that only they can fix/work through). I was just too emotionally enmeshed in my children's lives and not very objective. Sometimes parents can be too close to a situation to be objective. So I understand what you mean about your mom. Everything that is going on sounds stressful for her too!

I recommend you talk to a counselor at school or a therapist if that is possible. Posting here might help too! You will get through this.
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 05:05 PM
  #7
Thank you, I think you sound like a very well_meaning and loving parent. I imagine it can be very difficult. I think my mom may be mentally ill too, but good luck trying to get her to help herself.

And I do understand that my mom (let's call her Madison) isn't really sure what to do sense all of her kids suffer from trauma or mental illness. It's like she's a sheep raising wolves.

But she's very religious and notoriously stubborn. I'm not religious myself but I don't mind if people are. We all have our own beliefs. It only bothers me when your trying to force it on me and tell me only about the Great Day but ignore the complicated emotional needs of your last unmarried daughter. She only ever talks about how she made it through her trauma and how it will all one day come to an end. But I have different needs then her. I understand she IS trying. But its really tough being the only one in your family who's anything like yourself. I feel like a wolf among sheep or a fox among chickens. Their first instinct is peace while mine is violence.

But thank you, it means so much to finally get the support that I need and finally find people who understand. It's the best thing that's happened in a long time.

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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 06:01 PM
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Do you go to school? It sounds like you need socializing with normal people, your age and adults, and it sounds like your choice is not church-related activities if at all possible. You also sound well read and well spoken, esp for someone from such a harsh background. This bodes well for your future, but also hopefully for making the best of the present.
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Book Jul 16, 2019 at 08:30 PM
  #9
I am in fact, homeschooled. Although I would like to go to high school, get into a good college and study Radio Physics. And Art too.

And I'm actually pretty anti_social. I'm always reading people and I never really understand them. Attachment doesn't really come easily anyways. But that doesn't mean I don't want a "pack" so to speak. And I want to pick my companions for their personality traits, I need to know I can trust them.

And I appreciate that you think so. The present and the future are actually some of the most confusing times I've faced thus far. I least with the past, despite how painful, what's done is done. I can't change it. But with the future and present it's like walking blind into a battle. The blind leading the blind.

Although I find some enjoyment in learning and observing. Which is why I want to become a scientist, because if there is something I don't understand I can study it. I can teach myself to understand it. I often spend all night reading articles, instead of sleeping... drives my parents nuts. Now that I think about it, I can't help but smile, its very amusing.

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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 09:00 PM
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 09:41 PM
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Very interesting indeed. Makes a lot of sense.

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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 09:50 PM
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I'm kinda hoping I might figure out how to manage my behavior.
You could absolutely learn to manage your behavior, but it's going to take a lot of effort and reflection, not only reflection on your own behavior, but also on others' behavior and how they handle situations. Learn by observing the best person in the room, both their strengths and weaknesses, their successes and mistakes. Adopt what works for you, and discard what doesn't. If you have no internal moral compass, you can still understand morality through logic the same way you can with emotions. Take up philosophy to help with this.

I would also suggest talking to a therapist, particularly one who's familiar with personality disorders. If you are ASPD, therapy can help you learn to function more easily in society. If you have PTSD or something similar and are repressing your emotions, then they're eventually going to come back and bite you in the ***, so it's best to start understanding yourself now while you're young enough to make substantial changes.
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 10:28 PM
  #13
Thank you for your faith in me, I have discussed this with Madison (my mom's fake name) and we agree to start interviewing this Friday.

And I do know who I want to be like. My stepsister, yes, my dad married again. Although I'm fond of my new stepmother. As we both have had rough childhoods. I admire my step sister's happy_go_lucky_with_a_pocket_full_of_change attitude. But she is also notoriously fierce. Not one to mess with, that's for sure. And she has a depth to her and deep understanding and kindness for others. So much like myself yet so different. I'm sure if I could contact her, she would help me.

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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 10:50 PM
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Thank you for your faith in me, I have discussed this with Madison (my mom's fake name) and we agree to start interviewing this Friday.

And I do know who I want to be like. My stepsister, yes, my dad married again. Although I'm fond of my new stepmother. As we both have had rough childhoods. I admire my step sister's happy_go_lucky_with_a_pocket_full_of_change attitude. But she is also notoriously fierce. Not one to mess with, that's for sure. And she has a depth to her and deep understanding and kindness for others. So much like myself yet so different. I'm sure if I could contact her, she would help me.
She sounds like a keeper. I think it'd be a great idea to reach out to her.
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 11:11 PM
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Thanks! She's like that expensive dessert you can't get enough of.

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 04:14 AM
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I am in fact, homeschooled. Although I would like to go to high school, get into a good college and study Radio Physics. And Art too.
One of my high school friends homeschooled all of her children (four!), one child is still in high school but the rest all graduated from college. They did very well in college--one became a doctor. Colleges are much more accepting of homeschooled students than they used to be.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 01:26 PM
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Thanks! She's like that expensive dessert you can't get enough of.
Sounds like your dad's new wife is a great person. Have you considered asking your dad and step-mom if you could temporarily live with them for a while? Have you asked your dad already about this? Does his know what's going on with you at your mom's place?

Sorry you have had to deal with so much instability with your mom and her 2nd husband. Sounds like he's very controlling and manipulative, and created a wall between you and your mother, which, shame on him for doing.

I think if you could live with your dad for a few months, that stability would help you feel more secure and help you stay focused on enrolling in a good high school while you occasionally visit your mom to keep your insurance active.

No teenager should have to go through what you've gone through. You sound very intelligent and very emotionally mature. You are not a sociopath. Please don't listen to your step-dad. He sounds like he has some control issues himself.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 04:51 PM
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I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble with your step father. I can’t imagine living in such a confined space with my parents. I can’t even imagine living in that small of a space with anybody at all. Are you able to find ways to get out on your own more? Can you go for hikes or bike rides? Are there things you can do to make life more pleasant for yourself no matter what’s going on around you? I know relationships with parents can be very hard at your age and especially with step parents. Is it possible to talk about some things with them? Can you ask for a family discussion and perhaps bring up some behaviors and issues you would appreciate if they stopped and also be open to listening to their side of things as well? Sometimes this is possible with people and I know sometimes it’s not. In the end, your behavior is all you can ever control. Best of luck to you. I sincerely hope things get better.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 09:27 PM
  #19
Thank you both so much. That means more to me then I could ever possibly say. And I have recently lost contact with a BFF and I have found things more difficult to handle. Although I hope to fix it soon. Even though today was good, I got a new mineral for my collection, I have said some very hurtful things to my brother and his wife and my mom and stepfather. I don't regret them. I even liked the shock on their faces. It made me feel powerful and important. Although I think I'm just scared and bitter. Angry with events of my life and the never ending crossfire.

And if I could have my stepfather charged with child abuse and get him to confess. I would do without giving it second thought. But I'm also extremely tired due to no sleep last night.

Even though my father and I have issues. He dose yell A LOT, hates being disrespected in any way, and demands immediate obedience. He's easy to trick. And what I'm looking for is the most convenient place to develop my plans. And I cant say I love him, he's a Vet and comes pretty handy. And I know he would never hurt me on purpose. He's by far the better option.

And he doesn't bother my hardly at all so I'll have plenty of time to finish my plans. And I need his expertise anyways. And my step mom is great emotional support.

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