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Tatafom
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Trig Jul 16, 2019 at 10:45 AM
  #1
My nephew some used to babysit my daughter while I went to work. She was just 7 years old he was 14.
We lived in some flats and my mum was in the flat below in case of any problems . I thought it was a great idea at the time as they got on well and he could earn some money which he was keen to do.

One day my daughter told me about the secret hugs they would have .... basically he’d get her to lie down on my bed fully clothed and he’d rub himself on top of her and kiss her.

He’d use this as a bargaining tool... want to go play outside? Secret hugs first.... want a treat/watch a movie? Secret hugs first then.

She thought it was all a bit odd - but didn’t really understand what was happening, she initially said something like ‘does he have to babysit me? He always makes me do secret hugs, he doesn’t tidy up after himself, he won’t take his cup to the kitchen... ‘

Anyways this was a long time ago, but had been going on for at a guess a couple of months and I feel like I was lucky to catch it when I did.

At the time my nephew denied it all, his parent didn’t believe he could have done it and so despite me trying to sit and calmly discuss it with them they have had nothing to do with us since. They told me my daughter was a liar that she always lied and that was that.

I didn’t report it at the time, though I agonised about it, mainly because I researched what would happen and I didn’t want to put my daughter through it, also because my nephew was an adolescent and I felt he needed help.

The rest of my family have not wanted to get involved, it has meant that I have had to isolate myself and my daughter from family events or gatherings.

A couple of years ago my dad invited us over for Christmas, the morning we were meant to go I found out that he had invited my nephew and brother on the same day, I called them to tell them we wouldn’t be going anymore and was so upset that they’d done that to us that I didn’t communicate with them again.

It’s been 7 years since that happened my daughter is now of an age where she knows exactly what it was all about. She has had some counselling but really does t want to talk about or relive it.

My Brother still believes his son was innocent and did nothing wrong. My step mom reached out to me to tell me that my dad is heartbroken that I have stayed away my step mom blames me and won’t acknowledge that they did anything wrong.

I feel devastated that we were left with no support, angry that everyone else would carry on as normal, guilt for hurting my dad, but justified for staying away, grief at the loss of my family which was once so close.

I’m not one for flying off the handle, I can take a calm approach to most things and will forgive pretty much anything for an easy life.

However I’m all my daughter has, and so I have done what I believe is the right thing for her, even though that has meant we have isolated ourselves.

I don’t like to think I’ve hurt people, I want to make it better and build bridges but I don’t know how to do that without the other sides accepting some responsibility or acknowledging what happened to her.

Last edited by bluekoi; Jul 16, 2019 at 10:50 AM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Smile Jul 16, 2019 at 03:06 PM
  #2
Hello Tatafom: Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that I thought might be of interest:

You Have Permission to Cut Off Your Abuser

When Is It Okay To Cut Off A Relative? | Psychology of Women

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Smile Jul 16, 2019 at 03:53 PM
  #3
Here are links to a couple of additional articles that may be apropos:

7 Ways Family Members Re-victimize Sexual Abuse Survivors

Reasons Family Members Side with Sexual Abusers


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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 03:59 PM
  #4
Thank you for the welcome and the links there are some reassuring words in those articles.

Every word or message I’ve spoken or sent is agonised over and practised or re written multiple times to try and be as understanding and diplomatic as possible to the other parties, but all I get back is thoughtless defensive angry responses.

It did feel like the best thing to do is to cut everyone off but it’s lonely and hard with no support or family, it feels like a punishment.
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 04:11 PM
  #5
Wow, those last two links really struck a chord with me - thank you so much for sharing.
I feel far less alone just reading them thank you again
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