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justlittleoldme
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 04:37 PM
  #1
Hi...things have become ugly. My wife insists my children are horrible. She demands that they not be around her, refuses to be in the same car or same room and blames them for the horrible atmosphere in the home. They are both under 10 and seem to be respectful in general with occasional bouts of childish behavior.

Years ago they both exhibited behavior that was not acceptable. This was dealt with and we work on it DAILY. I communicate with them about issues related to respect and family cooperation. I have removed them from the interaction with the rest of the family. But I do NOT feel that their behavior warrants the way she treats them. A tantrum years ago by one child and the other being disrespectful to her older child has been held against them and ME ever since. NO matter what I do or how often I remind them of how to be a respectful part of the family and how they should work to become better humans with kindness and cooperation...the changes for the better are never acknowledged by my wife.

My kids HAVE been difficult when they were younger...they do exhibit negative behaviors that their birth mom has inherent to her personality and family history. That being said...I have educated and discussed how those behaviors(mom's) will become negative traits for the kids if we don't work on it together. We talk all the time...I remind them daily and they seem to attach to the theories and the reasoning behind WHY they need to change. They appear to adhere to the logic behind the problems.

NOW...they also see that my wife is ignoring them. They ask what they did to make her mad. They try to connect with her and cooperate with the house and interact with her children. They seem to understand that peace in the home is a priority to both my wife and myself. They are continually confused that when they act as I have asked them to (cooperative, kind, helpful etc) they get no positive response from her. I ask that they treat others the way they want to be treated. I feel like there has been a significant success in the right direction. My wife insists their existence only destroys our home environment.

She insists they are not welcome in our home and avoids them at every opportunity. She won't be in the same car, won't share meals or even sit in the same room.

She blames me for my lack of control as a father and insists I am steamrolled by them while I put them and their needs before hers. I feel liike I give her lots of attention and express love and appreciation. She refuses to acknowledge my efforts. But then says they have improved but it's just not enough nor will it be enough because they are "just like their ***** mother".

It seems like my efforts keep falling on deaf and unappreciative ears. I don't know how to make her happy. She insists they cannot be in our home. I cannot, nor do I want to stop being a dad. They ARE good kids and are getting better. IF it's not one thing...it's another.

When they are around...my wife and I don't even speak. And she is ok with that. I don't insist she LOVE them...but I do expect she be kind and treat them with some degree of respect...at least treat them like she would treat ANY other child, in the neighborhood, at church, at family functions...but she refuses.

She keeps pointing out how unhappy she is and that it's because of them when they are around and because of me when they aren't. I'm trying to figure out a solution. But am having what seems to be an impossible time.

I've read book after book, gone to counseling on my own. She refuses to read due to lack of time. She went to a therapist with me to a couple of meetings and then blew up citing slow cadence and ridiculous conversation.

Now she insists she cannot put up with them at all and is done with my disrepectful behavior with regard to her demands. Her Anxious and Avoidant attachment style gives me some element of hope IF I hold out long enough but also suggests she will continue the anger and aggressive behavior with me and worse with the kids.

Thoughts on how to keep my kids in my life and keep my marriage together? I love her and want it to work but I don't think I should have to make that choice.

#mywifehatesmykids,#avoidantattachmentstyle,#anxio usattachmentstyle
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 05:57 PM
  #2
Justlittleoldme, I don't have children. I hope some members with kids will reply.

My first reaction was that kids are some times disrespectful. It sounds like you are doing the right thing in correcting their behavior and telling them what you expectations are.

Your wife's behavior towards your kids sounds emotionally abusive and immature. She might not love your kids, but she can act like an adult and treat them with respect.

Frankly, it sounds like your wife has already given up on your marriage - blames you and your kids for everything, won't go for counseling, etc.

Good luck to you and your kids.
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 06:02 PM
  #3
Why do you stay married to her?

You keep your kids in your life by, well, keeping them
in your life
, whether she likes it or not.

Ask yourself: who is more important?
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 06:43 PM
  #4
Your children are your children for life.

A spouse who is behaving this way toward children is really at least nudging up against emotional abuse if not already there. They can see what is happening. They are feeling the affects of her hatred. They will be changed by her behavior toward them.

My children would always come before my spouse.
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 08:45 PM
  #5
Of course your children are a priority, as they should be.

Your wife has made it clear. She wants you to choose.

The right choice will be your children, not her. Time for an attorney.

What will you do?
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 08:50 PM
  #6
Wow, it sounds like you're trying so hard to make this work, but your wife isn't making any effort. And she blames your kids for her own unhappiness and the strain on your marriage? Maybe she should look at her own behavior!

I agree with everyone else. You should put your children first. Her behavior toward them is awful and emotionally abusive.
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 10:45 PM
  #7
You can’t “make” your wife happy—you can do your uttermost to be the best husband and Dad you can be, which it sounds like you are doing your hardest to do. But at a certain point your wife has to make a conscious choice to be your PARTNER in life, and it sounds like she is abandoning that role. And your prime directive (I believe) is to protect your kids.

As a sort of additional question, which maybe has nothing to do with anything, has your wife, since you married, tended to influence you to be more distant to your family (mom, dad, siblings) or friends or colleagues from work or organizations (church, ball team, etc.)?

And...does she bounce back and forth between being very loving and charming one day, and something will “anger” her and she’ll switch to cold, cruel and distant, or she’ll become angry, shouting and mean?

Her current behavior suggests she may also do those things.
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 11:35 PM
  #8
Frankly I cant believe its even a question. Your kids are like 10, of course they are going to be kids. At first I expected them to be adults by the way you describe your wife's behavior but they are kids! I cant even imagine why you are still with this woman....

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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 11:46 PM
  #9
My husband and I have a blended family but are all grown now, we had some problems pop up when they were young. But we handled it together in a fair way.

I personally could not stay married to someone that acted that way towards my daughter.

I’m sorry your in this mess. But damn !!!! shame on her for acting like a bytch.

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 04:15 AM
  #10
It seems clear to me what you need to do now, @justlittleoldme This marriage can't work because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MAKE IT WORK. Please try to leave her and ask for a divorce, for your own sake and your children's sake. They deserve a better Mom and they deserve to be treated with RESPECT. I am SO SORRY that you have to put up with such a CHILDISH beahvior. It seems like the child in your family is her, not your kids, in my opinion
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 10:30 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by justlittleoldme View Post

She keeps pointing out how unhappy she is and that it's because of them when they are around and because of me when they aren't. I'm trying to figure out a solution. But am having what seems to be an impossible time.

I've read book after book, gone to counseling on my own. She refuses to read due to lack of time. She went to a therapist with me to a couple of meetings and then blew up citing slow cadence and ridiculous conversation.

Now she insists she cannot put up with them at all and is done with my disrepectful behavior with regard to her demands. Her Anxious and Avoidant attachment style gives me some element of hope IF I hold out long enough but also suggests she will continue the anger and aggressive behavior with me and worse with the kids.

Thoughts on how to keep my kids in my life and keep my marriage together? I love her and want it to work but I don't think I should have to make that choice.

#mywifehatesmykids,#avoidantattachmentstyle,#anxio usattachmentstyle
Your story reads like the fairy tale, Cinderella. A father who loves his children marries a woman who hates his children and tries to blame them for her own wicked, manipulative personality and behavior.

You've shown yourself to be a responsible, loving, empathic father and husband. Yet, your 2nd wife continues to push back with flack because she's not getting her way -- removing your children from her marriage to you -- because she doesn't like them. If your 2nd wife doesn't like your children now, she's never going to like them. She has time, but she doesn't prioritize her marriage to you, or her relationship with your children as being important or she would invest in the time to do the work she NEEDS to do to make her marriage to you work, and her step-mother role to your children be successful.

Frankly, she doesn't prioritize you or your family above her own selfish needs. Whenever someone makes the excuse, "Oh, I don't have time," it's not that they don't have time b/c they do. They just don't want to make the other person a priority, and just wants to keep that person (you, and the welfare of your children) an option. She prioritizes every other area of her life, over the wellbeing of you and your children. Does that make sense? She has time. She just doesn't want to justify changing her priorities b/c she doesn't view marriage counseling or spending time bonding with your children as her top priority, which is pretty awful of her.

My gut tells me your 2nd wife will continue to create excuses, transfer blame, project her own psychological problems onto each of your children, until she has you backed into a corner; where you choose her over your children -- b/c that is what she wants ultimately. She views your children as a barrier to having you lavish your focus and attention on her 100% of the time.

I know married couples with your exact dynamic and it's very uncomfortable to be around; where one spouse is the step-parent who HATES the other spouse's children or likes them but is dismissive of their feelings all the time.

I was friends with a woman whose 2nd husband acted like your 2nd wife -- he constantly berated her daughters and gaslighted my friend every time she pointed out his manipulative, dismissive behavior. He didn't like that and refused to attend marriage counseling with her. So, she divorced him after putting up with his emotional abuse of her and her three daughters. She put up with his abuse for five years before she threw in the towel and believe me, it was difficult since he was the breadwinner and she was in graduate school and only working part-time.

You've done EVERYTHING a responsible adult in your situation is supposed to do yet your 2nd wife is acting like a self-centered, spoiled child, b/c she refuses to participate in your marriage 50/50 as both a wife and a step mother to your wonderful children.

You need to ask yourself; is this woman someone you want to spend the next 50 years arguing with? Do you want to expend your emotional reserves every day, arguing with her, defending your children, for the next 50 years?

Step-spouses either mesh with their inherited children (whatever the age) or they won't. It sounds like from your post, that your 2nd wife refuses to work on creating and establishing a relationship with boundaries with your young children b/c she's either immature and doesn't like children, or she really has poor parenting skills and needs to learn how to be a parent. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope you can make the best choice for you and your children. After all, their well-being and safety come first. Please don't stay married to this woman if she refuses to change. It will only get worse. She will only get worse.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 12:12 PM
  #12
I am curious, was she always like this with them? Did you marry hoping it was going to change?

Personally I think you are very incompatible on this issue and it's an issue that is a deal breaker. You are always going to be a parent and you will need to put your kids first. Someone marrying a parent should realize that, but I guess she didn't.

For example, I don't want children - biological or step, adopted, whatever. So, I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who has children. It would not be fair to the kids. I ended a relationship with someone who turned out to want kids and I married someone that doesn't have them or want them.

So, now that you find yourself in this situation, I agree with others that it does not sound like it is going to get better. She doesn't seem to show any interest in working on her behavior or counseling, at leas from what I read in your post. I think you have to take some time for some reflection on this and seriously consider separating unless she shows some willingness to change and work on the problem.
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Thumbs up Jul 18, 2019 at 03:49 PM
  #13
Excellent post StreetcarBlanche!
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 04:59 PM
  #14
I’m sorry your kids are going through this. Is it possible your wife would go to counseling? She can’t just edge your kids out of your life. It’s hard for you to be put in the situation to choose... basically that’s what she seems to be doing, asking you to choose between them or her. Being a parent is hard. Being a step parent is hard. Being a kid is pretty hard too. Blended families take a lot of hard work.
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