How to bond with people

I realize there's an emotional element involved when two people bond with one another, and I'm probably never going to understand it. Knowing this, I've developed the habit of keeping all relationships at the surface level, mostly for selfish reasons. Faking emotions for extended periods of time is tedious. However, it has occurred to me that, if I ever wanted a longterm romantic relationship, I should probably start trying to understand how bonding works and what normal people need to be fulfilled in a relationship, emotionally speaking.

So how does one bond? If you're in a relationship with someone, what do you need from them so that you know that they care about you? How do you show someone that you care?


How I currently bond with people:

So in the scene shown, are you the gay guy or the married woman?

Either way, it doesnt bode well, huh?

I would say, it's in the quality and quantity of your personal availability.

Holly.

Personal availability? I can be available. I can even cuddle and chit-chat and share stories of my traumatic childhood, like real people do. But when people tell me they love me, when they share with me something truly profound, I always feel ... what's the proper word? Surprised? Caught off-guard? Sure, I can act out these things, but it's like I'm singing a song that's in a foreign language without knowing the meaning behind the words. And then, when someone tries to speak to me in that language at a deeper level, I don't know what to do. There's no real connection, because I can say, "I love you," but I don't really know what that means.

Does that make any sense?

Well when people tell me they love me, I have no reaction either or am uncomfortable and want to leave unless I love them too. It would not occur to me to tell them I love them unless I actually love them. So I think the issue is not as much what to do with other people's feeling but more what do you yourself feel for people and what are you capable of feeling. I’d not worry as much how to respond to other people.

Explaining what caring for other people is difficult. We can start with family? Do you care for well being of anyone in your family? Mother? Sister? Brother? Cousin? Grandma? Is their safety and health important for you in some ways? It’s not that different with romantic partner. Excitement and butterflies in your stomach only last that long.. After that is no different than caring for your family

So I’d start with that.

It seems like the "problem" isn't necessarely you bonding with them but rather it's you not knowing how to react to deeper emotions and conversations. Am I right or have I got it all wrong? I feel like if someone truly loves they will accept you and your behavior. Someone may be aware of the fact that you don't show much emotion but that you still Love them very much even if you don't say that. It's up to the individual person to Accept your behavior in my opinion. I understand that it may be hard to get to know people this way though. I wish I've had some advice to give to you Feel free to PM me anytime if you need advice and support. I hope you'll be able to meet the right person for you who will TRULY Love you and Accept you for who you TRULY are! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and your family, theoretical!

That sounds like a quality issue. Youre acting, you dont really want to be there. Thats not really your choice. It sounds like youre dissociated from your true self? This is/was my thing. Read Winnicott.

What exactly do you want and need from them?

I'm nearly 30 and I've never felt it. I've had attraction and general interest, sure, but those don't last for long, and then my would've-been-lover accuses me of being cold, and they're all like, "Why don't you love me anymore?" as if I ever did. I've given up on loving anyone.

It's different with family, because "love you" is a common expression in that context; e.g. at the end of a phone conversation or when leaving a family function. I suppose a longterm romantic relationship would eventually get to that point, but the initial formation of the bond is highly emotional.

There are a few close family members who I care about. I'm not quite sure how deeply, but I would be genuinely upset if they died.

I have the opposite problem, actually. In the past, they've all assumed that I was merely emotionally distant and unable to express my feelings of love. The truth was that I didn't love them. I suppose their denial would make lying easier, but I'd prefer to be understood, rather than have to keep up a mask.

I know Winnicott. And yeah, I've been on this arduous journey of self-discovery, and so far I've yet to find much of anything.

I don't know. Just companionship. I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular. Another thread got me thinking about the need for attachment, and it made me wonder what it would take for me to have a healthy relationship with someone else, or if that's even possible.

Therapy?

I have my first appointment next week. So posting about it is also a way for me to figure out how to explain all of this to my therapist, hopefully semi-coherently. I don't want to waste a whole session because I can't think of the right words.

This thread explains things good. And ive read some of your other threads. But this seems to hit on some important, workable issues, imo.

Thanks.

Actually, the reason I used a meme in the first post was because it felt relatable, but I couldn't put words to it. Maybe I can express myself in therapy through memes.

I think you explain yourself very well here so it’s likely that good therapist will be able to understand what you mean.
Good luck!

I can only honestly say I've felt true, romantic love once. From my experience love comes from knowing someone and wanting the best for them. Even above yourself. It's the only time I've felt grief and true loss. When my grandfather died it was an act. But I did love my boyfriend. Maybe it was because it was before my detachment came in full swing. Or maybe I just used him as a "drug" to help with my own distress.

But I did feel like I loved him. It was a sense of just...knowing. he made me smile when I felt sad and calmed me down when I had one of my episodes of impulsive rage. I loved him because he was intelligent and liked to observe and calculate. Like I did. Because when I was as inpuslive and out of control as a wild animal, he knew me so well he knew exactly what to do to get me to control my anger. I loved the dark fire in his heart, if anyone hurt him or me or anything else he cared about you better watch out. He would lash out like you've never seen before. I respected this part of him. He made me feel safe and loved. And he would do anything he could to stand by my side. He accepted the fact that I had detachment issues and cold come off as cold. He never pushed me.

Romantic relationships are about knowing your partner and respecting them. Making them feel important and safe. Giving them space when they need it or just supporting them. And seeing them for who they are. No matter if their a murderer or an innocent. And accepting them anyways. Treat them how you want to be treated.

Even though like you, I don't have much experience with relationships. I hope this dose help some.

Interesting. Clearly, you did have an emotional attachment to him, and no doubt this compelled you to behave toward him in a loving way. But it still seems like a set of behaviors. I don't see why one couldn't be understanding, considerate and caring without the depth of emotion to compel one to do so. I can do that (maybe).

I'm sorry about your boyfriend. What happened? If you don't mind my asking.

I don't mind you asking. I had known my boyfriend for three years total now. I met him while still undergoing emotional abuse. He helped me cope. But my mother is highly religious and my father...,is my father. Not much to say there. My boyfriend (let's call him Dark) was not religious whatsoever. He and I got involved in things my mother didn't like. I didn't even tell her I was having an affair.

We met online and had a long distance relationship. But we knew exactly were each other lived. My mother found and was furious. She took my devices and watched me extremely closely. Although I managed to stay in contact with him at my father's. But I lost that too. And he was severely depressed and suicidal. He was abused as well.

And in that time. I got in a LOT of trouble. Things like lying and planned runningaways to just not caring about anyone's feelings. I felt like I was in the right. So I locked them out. Attempted myself and was hospitalized for ten days. I verbally abused my parents as well.

And here's the thing. I liked doing all that. I liked the rush of power. But I kept my mask on and never told people about my violent thoughts.

And even though I don't know for sure he died, I feel like he might have attempted and he probably would have succeeded.

I don't want to put to much here because I might say something I shouldnt. But feel free to PM me. I can get into more details that way.

Have you tried to contact him since?

Indeed I have. But I also got him into some trouble I heard. I'm entirely sure on what exactly to do. I can only worry about myself now.

Hm. I don't think it would hurt just to check up on him and make sure he's doing okay, and to let him know you're doing okay.

Believe me, I want to. But that would mean secretly creating an Instagram account. I wouldn't feel guilty for going against my parents....again. but I'm kinda worried about getting caught. Again.

This is what I hate about the human race, your expected to follow your dreams but the moment it means going against your parents morals and beliefs its suddenly forbidden. Yeah... I see the logic in that.