Questions about supporting a man with depression

Hi all. A man I was dating for 6 weeks and shared a great connection with broke up with me saying he was in a depressive episode and didn’t know what he wanted 2 days after asking me to be exclusive with him. He did this by text, saying he was broken and didn’t want a relationship. I got angry and hurt and after I calmed down I tried to talk with him but he has shut me out. I’m worried about him but also want to respect his space and choices and not be a doormat. I sent an email apologizing for my angry words and explaining why and told him I respected his choice and had enjoyed the time we spent together. He thanked me for the email, said he was having a tough time at work and didn’t want to not be in contact. That was a week ago, he still has not explained why he did a total
180 from exclusive relationship to break up within 2 days. And by text which was not his style at all thus far. I’m totally confused and have not had any contact with him for the week.
I accept he doesn’t want a relationship with me but I am worried about him and how he feels about himself. So my question is is it better for him if I leave him alone since he knows how to find me if he wants to or would it mean anything or be helpful if I checked in and let him know I’m here if he needs me? I no longer feel the urgent need for answers but I am concerned that he is sinking into a very dark place, as that is how he described it. I do care for him even if it won’t work out for us. I have had episodes of depression and it feels good when people have reached out for me. However, I know men and women can feel differently about this and I do not want to further burden him or be misinterpreted as having no boundaries or chasing him. Any advice would be welcome and thank you.

If you are already worried, angry, and confused after just 6 weeks of dating, I suggest you just accept that he changed his mind about wanting a relationship. I am sorry that he built up your hopes about having an exclusive relationship only to break up two days later. IMO, his depression was an excuse (not saying he doesn't have depression but depression doesn't make you "break up" though it can make you not want to go out as much). The ball is in his court. If you chase him, it will not change his feelings for you. I think there is a good chance he changed his mind about wanting to date you anymore. Also, sometimes we don't know for sure how people feel about us and we have to just accept not knowing; however, if he continues to have no contact then THAT is the true way he feels. Sorry you are going through this.

I think since it hasnt been that long you should let him go.

Thanks I appreciate the advice.

Hello live2019: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

You know... I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to know which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, you'll see what your relationship with this gentleman might be like were it to be re-kindled. (I know you're resigned to the fact that's not going to occur. But stranger things have happened.) And, of course, as has already been mentioned by a previous member, it's possible this isn't really about depression at all but simply a handy rationale for ending the relationship. There's no way to know for sure.

Having written that, my personal perspective would be one final contact, just to let your friend know you're there for him should he wish, wouldn't be out of line. You might even consider sending a small bouquet of flowers with a brief note to that effect if you wanted to (assuming he's the kind of guy who could appreciate such a gesture of course.) Then just wait & see what happens if anything. If nothing does, then it's clearly over. But you do have to think seriously about how you would feel, & what you might anticipate, should he respond. (He did tell you he did not want to not be in contact.) You could be reaching out toward a relationship you'll later regret.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

If it was a long term relationship I’d insist on more explanation and I’d worry if he is ok but after 6 weeks I’d move on.