[katydid777]

To make a very long story short. When I was in my early 20's I had my son. His father didn't want anything to do with him. When my son was about 1&1/2 months old I met someone. We dated, he was good with my son ect. We got married, 22 months after my son was born, I had a premature daughter with many medical problems. About that time I found out that her father was still married to someone else, had been married to 4 other women, and had 6 other children. The state I was in stopped anulments, so I had to divorce him. I didn't have anything, not even a car. I had a 10 speed bike with a basket on the front, and a child seat. I would take both children to all of my daughter's apts. My son in the child seat, my daughter in a papose, and her machines in the basket. My daughter had a feeding tube placed through her abdomen to feed her 23 of 24 hours a day with prescription formula. She wasn't gaining weight. She also was on a monitor to let me know when she quit breathing. When she was about 10 months old and didn't gain much weight social services threatened me that they were going to take both my children if my daughter didn't get better. I seen a add in a magazine that a couple in there 30s couldn't have kids, but very much wanted them. One thing led to another, and I gave this couple my daughter. She is 30 now, and has had a very good life. She contacted me when she was 19, but that didn't end up so good. Now my son will be getting married next year, and he got my daughter, and I talking again. this Wednesday I am going to florida to meet her, and I am petrafied. The last time I saw her was over 30 years ago when the couples lawyer picked her up from my iff, apt. Any input you all may have is welcomed. I am a bundle of nurves, and about to jump out of my skin.

[Chyialee]

I understand the stress feelings -- from the other direction. Am an adopted child, and did not meet my bio-mom until I was in my 30s. I contacted her for medical reasonsbc I had no bio family medical records. She ended up just picking up the phone and calling me, lol. We met several months later.

From my perspective, I think I can tell you that what your daughter wants is most likely understanding and acceptance. Like my own bio-mom, you gave her up for her own benefit. That's hard for a youngster to understand sometimes, but hopefully she is now at an age when it makes sense to her and she's had a bid wider experience of the world herself.

The very best to both of you.

Chyia

[Misterpain]

Originally Posted by katydid777

To make a very long story short. When I was in my early 20's I had my son. His father didn't want anything to do with him. When my son was about 1&1/2 months old I met someone. We dated, he was good with my son ect. We got married, 22 months after my son was born, I had a premature daughter with many medical problems. About that time I found out that her father was still married to someone else, had been married to 4 other women, and had 6 other children. The state I was in stopped anulments, so I had to divorce him. I didn't have anything, not even a car. I had a 10 speed bike with a basket on the front, and a child seat. I would take both children to all of my daughter's apts. My son in the child seat, my daughter in a papose, and her machines in the basket. My daughter had a feeding tube placed through her abdomen to feed her 23 of 24 hours a day with prescription formula. She wasn't gaining weight. She also was on a monitor to let me know when she quit breathing. When she was about 10 months old and didn't gain much weight social services threatened me that they were going to take both my children if my daughter didn't get better. I seen a add in a magazine that a couple in there 30s couldn't have kids, but very much wanted them. One thing led to another, and I gave this couple my daughter. She is 30 now, and has had a very good life. She contacted me when she was 19, but that didn't end up so good. Now my son will be getting married next year, and he got my daughter, and I talking again. this Wednesday I am going to florida to meet her, and I am petrafied. The last time I saw her was over 30 years ago when the couples lawyer picked her up from my iff, apt. Any input you all may have is welcomed. I am a bundle of nurves, and about to jump out of my skin.

First of all don't be petrified, we are all human ,we make mistakes ,sometimes are good dreads become bad and vice versa ,unless your daughter was raised stupid and clueless ,she may not know you yet, however she should appreciate your sacrifices to give her life and to give her to someone more able to give her what she needed . I was adopted and know my birth mother loved me ,after her murder ,I was taken away from my father , I accidently found another mother to love me , your daughter may or may not realize how lucky she is ,finding one mother to love is hard ,to have two in one life is an extraordinary gift.
You obviously facilitated and were integral to both parts of her life , she almost had the easy part ,she was going to grow up either way ,hopefully her growing up was filled with opportunities and adventures you may not been able to provide her for the last 30 years,she's not a stranger she's is family ,you are family and it's not a new concept she knows she was adopted,how willing she is to find out about the why's is the only mystery .

In some ways you have to let her lead , in discovering who you as the mother who wanted the very best for her ,don't try and fill her with with knowledge (That's our instinct as people) let her ask the questions ,answer them truthfully and honestly , both of you are traumatized in your own right about giving her up ,you both need to heal from it ,and then once you do the dialog becomes alot easier and spontaneous, when no one is walking on egg shells .

I have lots of friends who were adopted and lots of them searched long and hard to uncover there own roots,with closed adoptions thru agencies and attorneys that don't exist anymore and many dead end leads they persevered, and though rocky in the early days , most of them have fantastic relationships with all there families ( I have one friend who lost to death her adoptive family ,but her biologic mom's family is very close to her and keep her "anchored")

Your anxiety is real ,and it may not be an overnight instant connection, but is anything we are given truly have value? As opposed to things we value because we worked for it,and made our own .

Re engaging in your daughters life demonstrates the same love and care you displayed 30 years ago ,
And this is just my opinion but until we are 30 we don't have what it takes to make good decisions,book knowledge without experience makes us young and stupid ,take that same knowledge and temper it with experience of the world ,that's a winning combination .

So this time it very well could be the time that works best for both of you ,in developing a relationship ,when my adoptive mom died we where not parent/child traditional dynamic we where equal adults having a good time , yes I could always ask her stupid questions because she had more time on earth (like any parent child ) but 99% of the time ,we were best friends .

[katydid777]

Thank you for responding. I am so stressed about our meeting. I realize I am not her parent, I gave up that right. My prayer is that she doesn't hate me. I had always wanted a daughter, and when I was blessed to have one I gave her to another couple. When she first contacted me, she did for medical reasons, and I ended up being crushed. I am just so afraid. I am 54, and you would think I would have a backbone by now, but I don't, and no one that knows me understands. I don't know if I can handle rejection from her again. Can I friend you? I would be grateful for your input on this specially since you are on the other side from me. Also I have CPTSD. I have had a very hard life. If you don't want to be one of my friends, that is ok, I would understand.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by katydid777

To make a very long story short. When I was in my early 20's I had my son. His father didn't want anything to do with him. When my son was about 1&1/2 months old I met someone. We dated, he was good with my son ect. We got married, 22 months after my son was born, I had a premature daughter with many medical problems. About that time I found out that her father was still married to someone else, had been married to 4 other women, and had 6 other children. The state I was in stopped anulments, so I had to divorce him. I didn't have anything, not even a car. I had a 10 speed bike with a basket on the front, and a child seat. I would take both children to all of my daughter's apts. My son in the child seat, my daughter in a papose, and her machines in the basket. My daughter had a feeding tube placed through her abdomen to feed her 23 of 24 hours a day with prescription formula. She wasn't gaining weight. She also was on a monitor to let me know when she quit breathing. When she was about 10 months old and didn't gain much weight social services threatened me that they were going to take both my children if my daughter didn't get better. I seen a add in a magazine that a couple in there 30s couldn't have kids, but very much wanted them. One thing led to another, and I gave this couple my daughter. She is 30 now, and has had a very good life. She contacted me when she was 19, but that didn't end up so good. Now my son will be getting married next year, and he got my daughter, and I talking again. this Wednesday I am going to florida to meet her, and I am petrafied. The last time I saw her was over 30 years ago when the couples lawyer picked her up from my iff, apt. Any input you all may have is welcomed. I am a bundle of nurves, and about to jump out of my skin.

I'm sorry that you had to go through all that!

[Misterpain]

Originally Posted by katydid777

Thank you for responding. I am so stressed about our meeting. I realize I am not her parent, I gave up that right. My prayer is that she doesn't hate me. I had always wanted a daughter, and when I was blessed to have one I gave her to another couple. When she first contacted me, she did for medical reasons, and I ended up being crushed. I am just so afraid. I am 54, and you would think I would have a backbone by now, but I don't, and no one that knows me understands. I don't know if I can handle rejection from her again. Can I friend you? I would be grateful for your input on this specially since you are on the other side from me. Also I have CPTSD. I have had a very hard life. If you don't want to be one of my friends, that is ok, I would understand.

You didn't give up the right to be a parent ,in the eyes of the law you made the best choice at the time .
In human terms you are a parent always.

It's not a question of a backbone ,your re exeperiencing a point of hardship and loss, thats painfull coupled with anxiety of hoping for a better relationship .

Absolutely you can friend me ,i am always somewhere on the net (I don't have a life LOL, actually I am retired due to health from the fire service) so I spend lots of time online . I am here if you need me ,i am 51 living in PA (Yeah I know who retires and lives in Pa,I ask myself that everday?).

[katydid777]

Thank you for your great insight. I will most definitely take your advice. When, or if she asks I will tell her what ever she wishes to know, and I won't push anything on her. I don't wish to cause her any problems, and I realize I am not her parent, she has her parents, and they have done a wonderful job raising her. If she allows me to be her friend I will be very happy. I have always Loved her, and it almost destroyed me to give her up, and has been a hole in my heart where she would have been for more than the 30 years. If it is ok, I am going to also send you a friend request, also bc you are on the other side of this, and may be able to give me a better out look of a adoptee's point of view. Thank you again.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by Misterpain

You didn't give up the right to be a parent ,in the eyes of the law you made the best choice at the time .
In human terms you are a parent always.

It's not a question of a backbone ,your re exeperiencing a point of hardship and loss, thats painfull coupled with anxiety of hoping for a better relationship .

Absolutely you can friend me ,i am always somewhere on the net (I don't have a life LOL, actually I am retired due to health from the fire service) so I spend lots of time online . I am here if you need me ,i am 51 living in PA (Yeah I know who retires and lives in Pa,I ask myself that everday?).

I am also retired, but from the medical field. I worked in a major ER in down town Atlanta until my health was too bad for me to do my job. Thank you

[Chyialee]

Originally Posted by katydid777

Thank you for responding. I am so stressed about our meeting. I realize I am not her parent, I gave up that right. My prayer is that she doesn't hate me. I had always wanted a daughter, and when I was blessed to have one I gave her to another couple. When she first contacted me, she did for medical reasons, and I ended up being crushed. I am just so afraid. I am 54, and you would think I would have a backbone by now, but I don't, and no one that knows me understands. I don't know if I can handle rejection from her again. Can I friend you? I would be grateful for your input on this specially since you are on the other side from me. Also I have CPTSD. I have had a very hard life. If you don't want to be one of my friends, that is ok, I would understand.

Just friended you.

Being an adopted kid has its hairy chunks, and I have to believe that being any parent in that relationship (bio, or adoptive) does as well.

Odd how similar our situations are in some ways. My bio-mom also had an older child -- my oldest sister, Teri. She fell pregnant with T when she was 17, at a time and place when that was definite *****-Of-Babylon stuff, in a tiny farming community in the MidWest. Bio-mom was one of eight kids in a middle-class Catholic family -- and her oldest sister was already married and gone. Her mama, My Grandma Lane, was an invalid more-or-less. So bio-mom caught 60 kinds of homemade Hell. She told me some while ago "When I was pregnant with T, all I did was sit in my room and puke, cry, and sew". It must have been misery for her!

She managed; she got a job and a couple of roomates and T was the pet of all of them. When T was 4 or 5, bio-mom (I'm gonna call her D, her first initial) D met my bio-father. He was from out of state, a veteran, and going to University on the GI Bill. (as well as working). They got engaged and were saving to buy a house. He was fine with Teri -- but emphatically did NOT want any more children. When D told him she was pregnant, he went home to his parents for a week -- and then came back and said forget it. Cleaned out their savings account and split.

She had to quit work because her back wouldn't let her stand (she was a waitress and fry cook at a diner). Tough times. And Social Services showed up and said"You cannot keep this baby -- if you try, we'll take them both."

Teri threw a true conniption fit. She is the one who has told me most of this story, corroborated by others.

Private adoption was arranged, and 5 days after I was born, my new parents brought me home. They were amazing people. But some adopted kids seem to feel some sort of disconnect -- and I was one who did. I was tall, skinny, blonde, blue-eyed, my mother was mid-height, dark haired, dark-brown eyes, broad-beamed and solidly built. My Daddy was her same height, slight, dark-haired, grey eyes. I would look in the mirror and do a kid-version of" WTF-eyes". .
ALways knew I was adopted. My parents went on to adopt additional children and to become a licensed foster family as well. But when I needed my medical records bc of serious/life-threatening illness, Mother & Daddy got all the papers out of their safe deposit box and said, "Bless you child, go for it." I was UTTERLY shocked to find out that I had an older sibling. The first, and totally unworthy, reaction, was: "Oh! I See! You kept her, huh? NIIIICE!"

D has had miserable luck with men. And yes I got over myself.

xo,

Chyia

[sarahsweets]

@katydid777 First of all I want to tell you that I commend you and support you for putting your daughter's life first, ahead of your own. THAT makes you a good mother. You did what was best for her and more people should learn to be that unselfish. Yes, you did not raise her but you are her biological mom and she wants something to do with you now. Make the best of what she wants and needs. Tell her about things only if she wants to know. Even if her dad was an asshole, try and keep the info about him as "clean" as you can so she doesnt learn to harbor resentment. You were doing the best you could at the time and now.

[Open Eyes]

(((katydid))), from what you have shared is how hard you tried before you got to a point where taking care of your daughter's needs was something you could not keep up with. You ended up giving her up out of love for her, it was not a case of abandonment.

When it comes to an adopted child meeting their birth mother, there is fear in both. The child fears experiencing rejection. And the birth mother often fears the same thing. A relief for the child is to learn they were given up out of love and that the birth mother really could not take care of this child's needs and that there was never any kind of rejection or abandonment. Yet, the birth mother often can feel shame and I think that is what you experience.

The focus should be on how you gave her up out of love and she needs to know it was not due to you not loving her. You always wanted her loved and cared for and to be healthy and happy.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Chyialee

I understand the stress feelings -- from the other direction. Am an adopted child, and did not meet my bio-mom until I was in my 30s. I contacted her for medical reasonsbc I had no bio family medical records. She ended up just picking up the phone and calling me, lol. We met several months later.

From my perspective, I think I can tell you that what your daughter wants is most likely understanding and acceptance. Like my own bio-mom, you gave her up for her own benefit. That's hard for a youngster to understand sometimes, but hopefully she is now at an age when it makes sense to her and she's had a bid wider experience of the world herself.

The very best to both of you.

Chyia

That is great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

[unaluna]

Katydid, i dont know much about the thread subject, but i have followed you on pc for a while now and know you to be a kind, gentle, and thoughtful and hardworking woman. I am sad and hopeful for you at the same time, and grateful to your son for enabling this to happen. I wish you all the best.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're a wonderful Mother, @katydid777! One that every child should be proud of and grateful for! You can stay assured of that! I don't know her so I can't say for sure, but I'm willing to bet she's every bit as scared and nervous ar you are right now! Try not to think too much about it. Just go with the flow, tell her the truth about what happened and tell that you'll ALWAYS Love her no matter what as you're her Mother! Let us know how it goes if you CAN and WANT TO, OF COURSE! It is COMPLETELY understandable that you'd feel nervous but I'm sure things will go well as you're a REALLY Lovable Person! Hang in there and let us know if you want to! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you , your family, your friends and ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you and Accept you for WHO YOU TRULY ARE! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING, KATYDID777! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need Advice and Support!

[katydid777]

I just want to thank you all, I didn't think I would ever see my daughter again. Then she contacted me when she was 19. After that I just knew that, that was it. Now in about 72 hours I will see the grown woman that I last seen when she was 10 months old. I never stopped loving her, always wondered how her life was going, and always prayed that she didn't hate me, resent that I gave her up but kept my son, just all kinds of thoughts through my life. If she does ask me why I gave her up, and not my son I will explain everything to her, and tell her at that time she was so young that I didn't think she would have bad memories, and be able to have a good life. When all of this happened, her premature birth, her medical problems, her bio father, divorce, moving, giving her up, all of it, it changed my son. My son was a very happy, active, busy child, and after all of that he was quiet, and not happy go lucky like he was before. My daughter was a happy baby, and I wanted her to stay that way. I knew I couldn't do for the both of them what each child needed, and I didn't want the state to take them, and they end up in a foster home. I my self was a ward of the state. Most of my time as a ward of the state wasn't good, then when you turn 18 you have to figure it all out on your own. No family, grand parents, aunts, uncles, ect. to help. You have to deal with what ever is thrown your way. The time that the good Lord let me have both my children, I would cook for my neighbor, and she would buy dippers in exchange, and I took in sewing to try to make ends meet. Well they never did. I want all of you to know these things bc you all are helping me to get all of this out before I meet her, and it helps me so very much. I have kept all of these things bottled up for 30 years.AGAIN A VERY BIG THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[little turtle]

love is patient...love is kind...and gentle is good...and honest....

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Misterpain

First of all don't be petrified, we are all human ,we make mistakes ,sometimes are good dreads become bad and vice versa ,unless your daughter was raised stupid and clueless ,she may not know you yet, however she should appreciate your sacrifices to give her life and to give her to someone more able to give her what she needed . I was adopted and know my birth mother loved me ,after her murder ,I was taken away from my father , I accidently found another mother to love me , your daughter may or may not realize how lucky she is ,finding one mother to love is hard ,to have two in one life is an extraordinary gift.
You obviously facilitated and were integral to both parts of her life , she almost had the easy part ,she was going to grow up either way ,hopefully her growing up was filled with opportunities and adventures you may not been able to provide her for the last 30 years,she's not a stranger she's is family ,you are family and it's not a new concept she knows she was adopted,how willing she is to find out about the why's is the only mystery .

In some ways you have to let her lead , in discovering who you as the mother who wanted the very best for her ,don't try and fill her with with knowledge (That's our instinct as people) let her ask the questions ,answer them truthfully and honestly , both of you are traumatized in your own right about giving her up ,you both need to heal from it ,and then once you do the dialog becomes alot easier and spontaneous, when no one is walking on egg shells .

I have lots of friends who were adopted and lots of them searched long and hard to uncover there own roots,with closed adoptions thru agencies and attorneys that don't exist anymore and many dead end leads they persevered, and though rocky in the early days , most of them have fantastic relationships with all there families ( I have one friend who lost to death her adoptive family ,but her biologic mom's family is very close to her and keep her "anchored")

Your anxiety is real ,and it may not be an overnight instant connection, but is anything we are given truly have value? As opposed to things we value because we worked for it,and made our own .

Re engaging in your daughters life demonstrates the same love and care you displayed 30 years ago ,
And this is just my opinion but until we are 30 we don't have what it takes to make good decisions,book knowledge without experience makes us young and stupid ,take that same knowledge and temper it with experience of the world ,that's a winning combination .

So this time it very well could be the time that works best for both of you ,in developing a relationship ,when my adoptive mom died we where not parent/child traditional dynamic we where equal adults having a good time , yes I could always ask her stupid questions because she had more time on earth (like any parent child ) but 99% of the time ,we were best friends .

That is great advice!

[katydid777]

Up date, I went to Florida for 4 days last week, to see my Daughter. We met at Silver Springs, and she brought her H. The first thing we did was look at pictures, and I gave her several things from when she was in my care. After we looked at pictures, she gave me a photo album of her growing up. Then we took a ride on one of the glass bottom boats. After that we went to Outback to eat. Our first day went very good. The next day we went to a few shops, and also had a very good time. Our last day my Daughter, and I went to a few stores around the city, then we sat at a bistro and just talked for several hours. Then her H met up with us, and we went to eat. I didn't get back to the hotel the 2nd day until about 8:30 pm, and the 3rd day about 10:30/11:00 pm. It was wonderful to see her. The first day I believe was hard for both of us, but after that, it was like we had known each other for a very long time. We will be staying in touch, and I hope to be able to visit her again as soon as I can, and her visit up here. It was very hard to leave, but I will be seeing her in the near future. I feel wonderful, like a weight that has been dragging me down all my adult life, is now gone. No more guilt, shame, regret, or anything like that about giving her to her parents. Her parents raised a wonderful, strong, smart woman, and I am very glad they are her parents. They saved her life many times, where I may not have been able to. When they were adopting her, they were asked why they were going to adopt a child that wouldn't live, and I am so grateful they did.

[Misterpain]

See the hardest part was having faith in our ability to grow & heal,ahead of the actual meet up.

It's almost a universal truth ,people want connection ,they may have false starts ,or try bringing emotional baggage with them,which makes it tougher to connect ,eventually everyone gets to a neutral place free from influence and unhealthy emotion,and gets on with real connection.

30 years is along time ,two lives going in different directions means you have to overcome 60 years of uncertainty to come back to where it all began .

I am glad that burden and weight has been lifted off of you.we all have heard stories of heartache from reuniting and it not going well ,the key to those is watch and wait ,eventually healing happens , some times it takes longer than others , and those horror stories melt away .

[Bill3]

So wonderful to hear!!