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Old 08-13-2019, 07:02 AM   #1
gabaee21
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Default Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

I ended a very unhealthy long distance relationship with a man which last over a period of 1 year and 3 months. It has been 3 month since the breakup and i have been reading and research online for the type of red flags and uneasy feelings that I felt the whole time. After reading alot of narcissism and particularly covert narcissism, I have come to conclude that this man had many of the signs. I am looking for any insight here to see if anyone else has encountered the same type of emotional abuse in a relationship and if that is seen as a type of narcissism. To give some background about the relation and the this man's behavioral patterns I will list everything below:

1. He and I were casual faraway friends for many years
2. He is 56 years old and has been single and in very short term relationships and dating briefly in the last 7 years. His long term relationship many years ago ended because he refused to compromise and the woman wanted marriage and he also refused to hang out with her friends and etc
3. Prior to me, he had another failed long distance relationship 5 years ago. He also dating locally and the woman before me was local. He told me that he dumped her after six month because she was talking too much about her job. He referred to the situation as "I thought about ending it earlier but I realized it was better than nothing so I kept going on for six month and one day I just couldnt take her anymore" . He also told me that the woman was very upset and sad over the breakup because she was not at all expecting the breakup.
4. Shortly after this breakup he approached me and pursued me very strongly through very regular ad long online chats which involved alot of flirting and lots of indirect and subtle sexual innuendos. He came off very strongly and after 2 months of chatting online early everyday, he told me he had fallen in love with me. It was pretty much love bombing, saying the most romantic and sweet things like I have never met anyone like you, and similary things. He also made a huge point constantly about how important communication and intimacy are to him. I fell for it all and thought he was this amazing man and I thought I had finally met my match for a meaningful relationship.
5. We got together in his home town after 3 months of love bombing online. He was perfect and romantic. After I returned back to my city he started a whole cycle of hot and cold behaviour which last for a year. He basically would be hot ad flirtatious and chat for 1 week or 10 days and then would go totally dark for 1 or 2 weeks. When I would ask him why he would always give the reasons of being stressed and overwhelmed at work.
6. In the course of our 1 year and 3 month relationship, we had discussed very clearly to plan ahead our regular visits to each other in our respective cities and he had asssured me that he would be visiting regularly. However he cancelled his travel plans with me 3 times in April, October and in December. The reasons included being food poisoned, being sick and being overwhelmed at work.
7. During the cold periods he would also regularly make me feel so bad and terrible about the whole "distance" issue. He would say things like how he was alone and stressed and overwhelmed. However durig the hot periods which would come and go, he would say things like how great things were between us and how he was determined to make the relationship work.
8. I finally got to the point where I decided to end the relationship with himand when I told him I wanted to end, he insisted on wanting to make it work and how I was the best thing that had happened to him.
9. However his inconsistent behaviour never changed after his promise of wanting to improve the relationship.
10. Finally after 7 months of him postponing and flaking out of his promises to visit me, he came to see me what he had promised to be 8 days. Howver after the first day he said that his mother was sick and that he had to make his visit short and he left after only 5 days. During these 5 days he was nice and friendly however he was not the same romantic and affection man I had met and been with earlier. I sensed something to be very off and sensed a sense of passive aggressiveness about him which was very subtle.
11. After this short visit he completely disappeared and pretty much ghosted me for 1 and half months. When I finally demanded some answers and also decided to end things once and for all, he reappeared online and told me via texting in a cold way that he was done with me and did not want a romantic relationship with me and that he felt no connection. This was the same guy who prior to his visit was writing his undying love for me and how we should discuss our long term future together and having kids.
12. He did not have the courtesy to talk to me via phone or skype and used texting as a method of discard. When I called him out on his behaviour and let him know that I had bad gut feelings about his behaviour all along, he told me that it does not matter at all what I think and that this is all a reflection of my own poor qualities and not him. He was cold and unemotional and did not seem to care the least for anything. It was like seeing a different version of him.
13. Some additional info: during one of the times that he cancelled his plans to visit me, he travelled for work somewhere and sent me a picture with a woman in it. When I asked him who the woma was, he took 1 day to give me a reply. When he did reply he gave me two different explanations about the person and ever really revealed specifically who she was. He was also very protective of his phone whenever the phone was in his hands and I was with him.

In a nutshell he was always extremely flaky and inconsistent with his words and hardly ever had actions that supported his big smooth words. Future faking was always dominant throughout our short relationship. All along I felt I was dealing with 2 people in 1 person. A very charming warm person on the outside who was capable of saying the perfect things and then a very cold and dark and distant person who would disappear and passive aggressive and doing what they wanted and never taking into account my feelings and needs.

He mentioned to me once that he has hurt alot of people in his past relationships and now that I think about it, It makes sense to me now how that happened.

At the end the breakup was painful and traumatic for me because the way he made me feel the entire time. I always knew from the beginning somethings were very off but I never listened to my gut. I spoke with a therapist and she told me this type of man would never change and even if I was living in the same city i would never be happy with him. I think it was a matter of time and even if we dated locally he would eventually show his true colors.

Is this some type of subtle narcisissim?
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Old 08-13-2019, 01:30 PM   #2
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

What's up with the narcissist posts lately? Did a book just come out or something? A TED talk? Is Sam Vaknin at it again?

Anyway, he could be a narcissist or one of the other Cluster B PDs, as a lot of those traits overlap. He could simply be depressed or have commitment issues. It's difficult to determine without being able to speak with him directly to know what exactly was going on in his mind when he made these decisions. Regardless, he definitely seems emotionally unstable, and I think you're right to avoid a relationship with him.

I disagree with the therapist about him changing. But he's 56, so why bother trying?
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Old 08-13-2019, 02:17 PM   #3
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

It seems like you've dodged a bullet there, gabaee21. At least he showed his true colors before things got too far! Allow yourself to grieve this relationship. I'm sure you'll be able to move on from this bad experience sooner than you think. I'm not sure whether or not he was a narcissist, but he certainly was emotionally abusive to you and that's enough in my opinion to decide whether or not he's a good mad. It's good that you're acknowledging his flawst. Next time, when you'll see someone elese doing those same things, you'll know that you have to RUN! :eek Be kind to yourself and give it time. I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're seing a therapist as well. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @gabaee21!
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Old 08-13-2019, 04:35 PM   #4
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

Some people are just how they are. Not very nice. Doesn’t mean you have to diagnose them.
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Old 08-13-2019, 06:02 PM   #5
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

thanks for the insight. Yes hard to put a label or term on his toxic behaviour but definitely emotional unstability and unreliability were the biggest red flags.

yes true. it is not about diagnosing but it seemed through his behaviour that he was extremely self absorbed and unapathetic which is something narcissists have

Last edited by bluekoi; 08-13-2019 at 07:59 PM.. Reason: Merge posts.
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:31 PM   #6
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

Um, to be blunt with you gabee21: YES those are signs of a covert narcissist man.

Having had experience myself with these types, every # you listed were prime examples of narcissistic behavior. Prime examples.

You can google "behavior of narcissist" and every single item you listed, would be mentioned.

Please avoid any further contact with this guy. He's bad news all around. He will try to reel you back into his life until he finds his new "source" of emotional energy from another woman to drain from her.

Narcs are the top tier of emotional vampires. They prey on vulnerable women and by vulnerable, I mean women who are nice, sensitive, empathetic, kind, giving, generous, sweet. Being a nice person is the equivalent of shark chum to the narcissist.

Narcs can smell a person's vulnerability miles away and will hunt down their prey online with love bombing and play the hot and cold game and then when their victim has the strength to leave, will make false promises and try to gaslight their victim into giving them another chance, only to rinse and repeat the same toxic behavior.

Whatever he promises you now, just don't believe him. He's shown you his true character and that's not a very nice character. Like Mickey said, grieve this relationship experience and be glad you experienced the Narc in full bloom, because NOW you can see the signs next time, of the Narc approaching you online or in person and have the insight to avoid any entanglement romantically or socially with the Narc in the future.

I got rid of a Narc and blocked him on FB and as soon as I rejoined the FB group and took him off ignore, BOOM, he was sending me FB lovebombing messages again which I just deleted and didn't even respond to. I don't even respond to his attempts to mention me by name in the FB group if I post and he comments on my posts. I simply ignore him. I refuse to give him any of my emotional energy anymore. He really fooled me in the beginning too, just like you were fooled. But, you're a smart gal like me, b/c you caught on, called it quits, slipped up like I did giving your Narc a second chance, but then said "NOPE" and that's it.

Be proud of yourself for surviving a Narc attack. They are very divisive and clever. The will disguise themselves as victims or sensitive guys who listen to every word you say and reflect back to you a mirage -- that's right, a mirage -- they will reflect back YOU to yourself, and fool you into thinking "wow, this guy is such a great listener we have such great chemistry!" Nope. You have great chemistry with yourself, when it comes to interacting with the Narc.

Tons and tons of videos online about these types of men. And good articles too. And books.
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:52 PM   #7
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

Gabee, You did indeed dodge a bullet with this man. he is definitely somewhere on the narcissist/sociopath spectrum!
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:59 PM   #8
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

Here's a few articles etc. to peruse at your leisure:

15 Sure Signs He's A Narcissist | TheTalko

15 Signs You're Dating A Narcissist, Because It's Not As Obvious As You Might Think

14 Signs Someone Is A Narcissist

YouTube and YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WtsPc3w9XU
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Old 08-13-2019, 11:47 PM   #9
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

he does have a label: a jerk.

run like the wind. don't waste your time. he certainly isn't. life is too short to waste it on jerks like this...hot & cold depending on how they feel that day & if they feel like blessing you with their wonderfulness. you know what...screw their wonderfulness.....YOUR wonderfulness is much larger and more wonderful ...let his life be missing the loss.

since he wants to play games, let him keep finding new play partners....you have better things to do. don't even waste your time figuring out what label to tag him with, in the long run it doesn't really matter.
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Old 08-14-2019, 02:10 AM   #10
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Default Re: Are these signs of a covert narcissist man?

I think this is indicative of narcissists and their love for long distance relationships.
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