Wish we had the same value

I've been with my fiance for 4 years. Something I'm struggling with that I want to work through as we approach the wedding is that I highly value caring about/helping others. It's probably my #1 value, and I've devoted my career to it/ see it as my life's purpose. For me this also manifests as being a feminist, learning about my white privilege, etc. My fiance is kind to other people, but he isn't passionate about helping others and can't relate to my desires personally. I wish we could bond over this, and sometimes it bothers me. He also is not very informed about social issues such as racism, ableism, etc, but took it upon himself to learn a little bit because he knew it was important to me. That matters a lot to me. But I guess my question is how do I come to accept this more, that I can't fully share in this core value? Or how does anyone accept a difference in values in a relationship? I definitely want to marry him, but this does occupy my mind sometimes.

This is my point of view from an older person who has seen & lived & LEARNED over the years.

It sounds like your complaint isn't that your values are different but your passions about them are.

In reality either EXTREME of total passion or not caring at all is unhealthy. When you have 2 people married with different levels of caring about things it brings BALANCE to both sides. This is more healthy for each person & definitely more healthy for the relationship.

I could not live with someone who was not for equal rights or ignored racism, etc.

How have you been dealing with these differences for the past four years? What (if anything) have they done to your relationship with him?

Have you discussed what your goals in life are personally, and / or as a couple? Would he join you on a peace-corps type vacation for instance?

I completely agree with unaluna and the other wise, wonderful posters about talking things through with him, @purplemystery. I don't think this is an unsolvable issue. I agree with the wise eskielover that it doesnt' seem like he's disinterested - he just doesn't have same passion as you do. You decide whether that breaks the relationship. In my opinion it's something that can be talked about and that you can come to terms with. It's also good that he seems open to the possibility of exploring it deeper! Hang on to that. Definitely talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there. Wishing you the BEST of luck with whatever you decide to do and if you DO decide to talk to him about ALL of this! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your Boyfriend, @purplemystery!

Is it that he doesnt agree with your values or just isnt as interested in immersing himself in them? I am a lot like you and as an alcoholic in recovery I take helping others very seriously in regards to my sobriety. I have taken meetings into womens prisons and I see the issues of domestic abuse and drugs. He sees it more like mistakes these women could have avoided but doesnt fault me for doing what I do. Sometimes if people havent experienced what we have its hard to understand. But acceptance is more important to me than having my husband totally get it. How does he feel about your involvement (if any) in these ideals?

@eskielover: This definitely gave me a new perspective I was looking for on our relationship. I hope I'll be able to remember this when I'm feeling off. A part of me wishes for more though, or perhaps I want to be the "extreme" of passion in that area. I admit sometimes I think it would be easier if I was with someone who felt the same way that I did about things. But I also know you don't get everything, or all your needs met, in a relationship. Thank you for your input!

@wishfulthinker: I did think a lot about your comment, and I apprecited it. He is for equal rights. He has engaged more with learning about racism and cares/sometimes takes the initiative to learn more now... but I'll admit he grew up not needing to think about this. I want us to share in general social issues passions, but I'm not sure if that's me trying to change him or me bringing out the best in him/us?

@Bill3: These issues have brought up some conflict in the past. He's said some things that have offended me that were born from a lack of full knowledge on the subject. And I guess I took a morally righteous attitude that hurt him too. And sometimes I wonder if he can fully understand me if he can't understand my empathy for others on the same level. I'm a therapist and my work with clients means so much to me. I'm a believer in making a difference to someone's life. He's extremely supportive, but I guess I'm not sure on what level he understands, and sometimes I feel doubt or regret about us because I wish I could share that with my partner. I wonder if I could introduce it to him through volunteering, etc... or if that is me trying to change him and I should accept him the way he is. Maybe I should try to meet this need of two people making a difference in the world with a friend instead. I think part of the problem, if you know about MBTI personality types, is that he is a thinking type, and is very logical. I'm a feeling type and get my sense of meaning from the world through my feelings. So that part of our personalities can never change. Thank you for your questinos to help me reflect on this.

@unaluna: I probably should have more conversations with him about what I want out of life in regards to this value. He has said in the past that he would be willing to volunteer with me, or perhaps to go on a Peace Corps type service trip. But he said he would ideally like it to be something where he could personally benefit as well (such as learning skills through Habitat for Humanity), which to me tells me that he's not taking in the spirit of what these trips are supposed to be about? But I wonder if there is a cause we could both feel passionate about together, and thank you for leading me in that direction.

@MickeyCheeky: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It makes me feel better that you and some others don't view this as an unsolvable problem. It does make me feel so guilty and awful for even thinking this way about him. But just because he doesn't share the same level of passion doesn't mean we can't still connect more often on caring for others or the world. I/we just have to get more creative with how we'll do that.

@sarahsweets: Thank you, your response really helped me get another new perspective on the situation. He is 100% supportive. He says my empathy for others was one of the main things that drew him to me. He may not choose to do this kind of work himself, but it does matter that he supports me, like your husband. And you're very right-- he hasn't experienced what I have. I have been through a lot of mental health issues, so that is how I developed my passion to help others, like you. So it's not exactly his fault that he never developed that.

In my opinion you would be wise to take him up on the Habitat for Humanity type of offer.

First of all, I think it is okay to want to get something for oneself out of the trip. Do you not get some benefit, some satisfaction, from helping others? I certainly do.

But also, it sounds like he is offering a type of compromise. I think you should accept this offer and not wait for him to look at things exactly as you do.

Once he is in the situation, his views can evolve in ways that are not concretely foreseeable at this moment. He might move more in the direction that you want him to. He might move away from that. But either way, you will get additional data to reflect on when thinking about whether or not you should decide to spend your life with him.