Urgent/Helicopter Parent/Long Distance Relationship

To Whom It May Concern,

I need as much help as anyone can willingly give! First off thank you very, very much for any attention given. I am sorry of the length, yet your time here will mean a lot to us and any answers, suggestions of aid or measure of cooperation would have more gratitude then I can possibly show in this message.

You can call me K., I am a male of 33 (yes that really says 33) years living and working multiple jobs year round (including teaching elementary school, fast food, public service and entrepreneur work), in a tourist heavy part of Eastern Canada, but still living at home with my one parent and brother.

I am an intensely private person (even with my own family, which is a source of contention with them) and don’t talk much in general over social media (even to friends or coworkers), but I am under an extreme amount of stress right now (and for the past few weeks) with little end in sight and have been forced to/purposely opened up to find solutions and compromises.

This has really started to affect my health to the point of headaches, over-tiredness, sleep loss, shaking, immune system suppression, and bouts of sudden crying, etc. People are starting to notice at work and offering to lend an ear. I can’t keep this a secret anymore.

No!!!! I am NOT at all suicidal to get that out of the way.

Both my girlfriend and I are definite confirmed INFJ's, by the Myer's Brigg tests if that also helps. My brother is certainly an INTJ. Mother unknown.

While living in Eastern Canada I have been talking with a woman from the Philippines for the past 6 years and we have been in a pseudo long-distance relationship for the past 3 years. Yes we met on a dating site. (a red flag to my family) J. lives in Metro Manila and is roughly a year younger than me, working as a Business Analyst for the past 12 years. Her extensive extended family is from a part of a more rural and retirement province, but she has moved around a lot with extended family to go to various schools growing up. She is much more independent then me. Frankly I have been pressured not to say much about her since my family is of the impression “[my] relationship could easily break apart since she can’t easily come to Canada.” J. openly and honestly, ultimately wishes to immigrate here as a long-term plan.


However, in the short-term we have been struggling, no, we are now supremely frustrated, pushed to our breaking points with just trying to even meet up for the FIRST time; to have a chance at further cementing our relationship in person, build some lasting memories participating in events together and eventually meet each others families (outside of Skype). This is due both in equal parts to multiple failed visa applications and, very sadly, my families’ social pressures.

I won't bore you with the full story of the visa woes as nothing can be done about those here, although we have tried multiple times for entries to both Canada and the US over the past three years. In between all this we contacted anyone we could, online forums, travel agencies, people who have immigrated to Canada, a retired Immigration Canada (IRCC) official, etc to try and understand, receiving conflicting information, and getting ourselves more lost and confused as we went. Just to show my desperation to try and get her to be able to visit here and prevent all this trouble in the first place let it also be known that under less stressful times I have tried contacting IRCC before both by phone and email many times to no avail. When that failed I began emailing various MP's, immigration offices, Immigration ministers offices, and even messaged the Office of the Prime Minister (July 20th, 2019) about visas in general, whom was the only one to send back anything, just a brief missive about referring my restricted size message to the Honourable Ahmed Hussen or other supporting officials. I have received no further contact from anyone else.


Forgive us our naivety. It seems so, so, so simple and straightforward, just a few days travel here in Canada, but we see now it really isn’t. Let’s just say we have been trying to address visa concerns but still get the same refusal reasons even though we should have cleared them by now.

I have tried attesting to J.’s character and equally giving this ordeal due thought to my mother’s concerns (honestly I have). My family doesn’t think J. is who she says she is and doesn’t try to talk to her or her family. J. and I have a lot of similar interests, and a few differences that are never really going to be a problem for either of us, we have been sharing gifts for years, have talked routinely through chat programs and the occasional Skype calls (we both work a lot and are on different sides of the planet), shared and gifted childhood books/movies, and already been though some rough spots together concerning other outside forces (someone locally in my area messaging her over a nonexistent relationship that I was supposedly having with a regular patron at one of my workplaces (who’s kids I regularly taught)). We have weathered a fair amount together that I believe would count as certainly something towards giving her a legitimate chance.

We both grew up without our fathers, hers is deceased and mine caused such grieve during a decade long divorce process he fractured my family to a point very few talk to one another. It has just been my understandably overprotective mother, brother, and a few of my mother’s older extended family for a good part of my life now, with old wounds only starting to heal among other family members. Honestly I suppose I have been more and more grumpy and disapproving of my home life for quite some time prior to this. I have lied to them a little over little things (like which store I am working at on a given day since they hate certain things more, or would worry more) and as a result they don’t trust me now. (I just caught my brother a week ago in a trap to see if he was spying on me and checking where I was at a given time). I work hard both as a bit of an escape from my dull home life (I feel I can’t go anywhere without getting 20 questions) and more importantly so that I will have more time to dedicate to a future family as I will have earned more upfront. I am future oriented.

I don’t wish to drive further wedges in between what I have left of a family by being disobedient. We are largely the only support we have left for one another growing older now, and still stuck together under one roof. I have also overworked myself, as I said above, often running between 3+ jobs at a time to get to where I am now. Hence I am told phrases repeatedly denying approval for me to travel to the Philippines as it is “to dangerous” and “you have never met this women before.” “You work so hard you shouldn’t waste your money in the pursuit of this girl.” “Think about your career.” “Protect yourself she might be after your money, etc.” I have already suffered one very hard to swallow heartbreak a decade ago because of these “protective”, “good intention” seeking measures. My family didn’t want to see me in a relationship with someone with a physical disability that left her bound to a wheelchair cause: “You could never make it work.” and most hurtful: “that is not the life we want for you.” I am left to wonder if what I want for me means anything.

I won’t speak to much more of my failed love life, but I have a Chinese ex as well (my only other relationship) that I went out with for a year and lost, and the fact that it wasn't a good match from the beginning, but we both were desperate to seek any kind of relationship experience having never had any at all growing up. Although I can make friends easily, I am more particular about choosing close friends (and lately have had little to no contact with them as they started families of their own years back), and I connect with very few people on more intimate/heartfelt levels. My lack of communicating doesn’t mean I don’t care. I just don’t value casual meaningless banter. My social skills towards finding and attaining significant others are practically non-existent which makes this all the more harder for me, and I am only growing older. Also I am in a rural area so my options are limited any my mother believes I can just go sit in a local pub, library, etc once a week and eventually find someone.

I am sick of the sheltering, and yet don’t wish the shame of hurting my parent and only brother to pursue a love interest ie: having to choose between my best chance of a future family relationship or the loving family that raised me (their intentions aside). I guess it is hard for someone with a 45 year teaching career in elementary to see her sons as anything but her children for life. That is not to say I haven’t made cracks in the armour. I pulled a lot of strings to get leverage for those family trips to the USA, although that didn’t pan out with J. so we didn’t go. The clock keeps on ticking and I feel bad for what part I play in having my girlfriend hold out on hope for years of her life and spend her savings on attempts to get together. (She has been trying to travel a lot (10+ countries now) and buy an apartment rather than rent to meet visa conditions.) We know it will take years before we can completely do so. Both our families demand no less.

My girlfriend and I have recently tried to compromise with my family over my birthday (early August) to little avail. My mother is willing to accept a meet up in Bermuda, if she can tag along, but it requires a transit visa for my girlfriend through Canada or the U.S. that we highly doubt at this point is achievable given our past woes and knowing nothing about them (let alone another projected 3 month wait for a Bermuda visa on my girlfriend’s part). Similar options in St. Lucia or St. Vincent and the Grenadines that don’t require visas for her still require transit visas and have higher costs for all parties. Mother refuses to travel far or anything that might be costly, and doesn't want me to go far or spend money either. The only alternative option I have is open defiance and going for a solo meet up in South Korea (the least costly for us both as a whole) or elsewhere (given I am forbidden by my mother to go to the Philippines citing “danger.”) and that practically any meet up we could plan for seemingly must be done with me on a leash and my mother talking to her first. Sadly, J.’s multiple entry visa for South Korea expires in October to add further pressure from a potential time crunch. Mother cites any pressure from J. towards me as “part of her tricks.” This will undoubtedly sow chaos and quite possibly force me to abandon someone in shame. The Skype meeting I got my mother to do between my girlfriend and my family and any talks yield nothing but tears and my mother looking for evidence in a quasi drumhead trial (to spout back at me in private) to back her claims my girlfriend is a scam artist, and her stalling for more and more time and delays citing anything she can from my needing to get a lawyer to arrange a will before I could fly, that I could get an interview at any time for a term teaching position, that I need to relax before school starts and travel is tiring, a friend's proposed meet up to celebrate my past birthday, to my car needing new brakes and anything fair or absurd in between. She wants us to wait till March Break to prove her loyalty (which is often report card season if I have a term position) or yet again next summer! Yes my girlfriend will do so if I ask, or will certainly try too out last this abuse, but this is getting down right tragic! She has already waited for years! My mother and brother are hyper aware of notifications and alerts that there are many citizens from the Philippines that target young Canadians for their money, an attempt to gain residency status, etc. I can’t deny this, but whatever happened to innocent till proven guilty? There is no defense against this kind of thinking, but time, trust and talk. There is no way that we know of to prove her good intentions, and I have only added to the hurt having to constantly share my families suspicions and wishes that any relationship we do have must mean we are forever financially apart or ready for a supposed divorce. That fact alone and the wait should have sunk most scams long ago. We young lovers can only stand so much before one of us breaks, she can’t continue to bare this much longer! We are all human and have moments of weakness. Again, this is all being done just to meet up for a first time! No one deserves to be made the victim of a witch hunt, stereotyped, and called low when she has done everything asked of her in an attempt to demonstrate credibility and loyalty. I have spent ALL my waking hours out of work since mid-July seeking hope and reaching out for help. I have talked to family friends, the staffs of two local restaurants that are mostly Filipino immigrants, etc. A multitude of internet volunteers have found a few far flung solutions but they are unrealistic and too costly. I have had little distress time and very little options given I am always under a microscope.


My mother has also talked to some local Filipino immigrants at the local seniors support center where a relative is living and is using evidence from them to back her claims that Filipino’s try by any means to get to Canada or elsewhere, and by any means necessary.



"A man's no better than the pain he's caused to the people he loves and what he's willing to do to set it right." - Carnival Row




I know it is hard for you to comment on any of this, that everyone might have a nagging feeling of the effects of their feedback and telling/suggesting me what to do. Perhaps I just need to say all this down in text to think it through and convince myself one way or another; and yes in some respects I am trying to be level headed and looking for an outside unbiased source of whether I am being crazy or not. I can’t thank you enough for even non committal opinion feedback. I hate myself for looking and investigating my girlfriend to rule out my families claims. I really haven’t found anything, but there is no way to find or prevent someone who is just looking to immigrate and not hold a lifelong relationship if they are a really good actor.


I am trying to weigh my options. None of this is what we had planned for after all. It was supposed to be simple, she just came here for a bit. The choice I am left with currently to go to South Korea or not in the short term. $~2,000-$2,500 is one heck of a costly “first date.” Although it is also a vacation, which honestly even my previous travel experiences weren’t. I worked in China teaching to prove I could and also took classes there on three separate trips. Mother says I need a vacation or some time off, but that travel will tire me out. That is just sounding like contradiction. I should get out of the house but not go anywhere. I don’t go anywhere. I barely go anywhere other than work, not even for groceries! I feel I need this, this meet up could help me a lot, but can’t be sure of what it will cost me in terms of family turmoil. (Worst of all what if they (family) are right? Their constant nagging has some effect.) In some respects it does seem like madness, but if I look at the flip side she (J.) has been willing to do exactly this for me for years, to come here, and spent a lot in the process thus far. Mother says it is dangerous to go and meet her, well guess what happened less than a week ago at my local workplace before I came to work? He was very angry that day and had just posted on Facebook. At least that is what some saw the police looking at and into. I haven’t told my mother, but have told brother this. This kind of stuff “NEVER” happens (but just did) in my retirement home community.



The two of us are really just frozen in place, J. and I, even still after coming out and crying about it for weeks, and have been for such a long time now we can’t help but dwell on, just waiting. Frankly it still is my decision and inaction that I think might be hurting her the most even if she understands why I am frozen in place and trying to exhaust every avenue that would lessen the impact on my family. I hate putting the weight all on my shoulders and understand visa refusals are beyond my ability to cause (but no one from IRCC or elsewhere I have tried to reach out to and find an avenue to answers will get back to us.) That hurts. All my stalling seems to be for naught. I want to show her progress.



Yes, she could apply to work here and is even willing to work in fast food retail or otherwise (some folks have offered support for this already). Again that does take time (time apart if we don’t meet up first). Trying to answer my mothers concerns (she asked me to have a conversation around planning out a future together as “you should be thinking of that” and “what if she can’t come here?”) before diving into a relationship is daunting (and more time) and I am not even convinced that is what people even do before they meet in a long distance relationship. Love happens when/whether we are ready for it or not. Don’t we need to as I have been told: “take one step at a time?” “Plan, goals, etc.” Again I am given contradiction. I wouldn’t mind a small stint living or teaching away again, it would remind me of my happy times in China, but no I know it would terrify my family. “Well why hasn’t she already tried applying to work here if she wants to immigrate?” “Why would she want to move away from her large extended family to some place unknown?” “Why Canada?” I really can’t give mother an answer, only my girlfriend can try to answer, and even like any normal person we don’t always know where our dreams and whims come from. She says she has always had this little dream of immigrating somewhere. She doesn’t know if it is a grass is always greener scenario or poking fun at fantasy like going to a new and unknown land (Narnia in the Wardrobe). She always liked the idea of Norway, Sweden or Iceland (Canada just happens to be very similar), perhaps because they have the Northern Lights (we both love astronomy), perhaps because they have the four seasons in the classical idea of the sense with trees changing color in the fall and snow in the winter (the Philippines at best has a sunny season and a rainy season.), or perhaps because of some of her favourite childhood books (The Golden Compass series). Yes, her home province is idyllic in some respects, a real tropical paradise (and a little less on the wealth side as it is rural).

My mother says she is listening to me when I tell her these responses but then she can’t even name the correct countries in her own feedback and cuts me off from giving her any details.

“Why would she want to leave that behind?” Well she isn’t there, she is in Metro Manila, one of the biggest and most populated cities on Earth in a small rented apartment. Also the Philippines has constant scary earthquakes and her hometown was more than decimated in Typhoon Haiyan (Yolanda) years back. I mean according to her the only thing left standing was most of her mother’s home by some miracle and the local church. That has to have had an effect too.

Naturally she wants to meet me before committing to coming here. Why is that such a bad thing? We are sorry we can’t find any other way. Immigration without me isn’t meaningless but she didn’t take this little dream that seriously until after meeting me. Why Canada? Well her words: “And oh just to clear this out.. I am not interested in "Canada".. I am interested in you K.!!”

After years of this wait (and before this summer) I promised her I would do everything I could this year to try and find a way to meet up. I have tried to complete all of Hercules’s labours and failed. Honestly we obviously can met up. The only thing holding us back is me and my worry over what my family thinks. Again that hurts me. I just have no way of getting through to my family that even “come what may” or “everything will work out alright” sometimes still requires action on your (my) part to succeed. I don’t know what to say and can’t help but feel they don’t want me to do this even if they say otherwise (with crossed arms).

Mother said at one point something like you can’t love someone that is just text on a screen you have to meet her first to fall in love. No one can ever truly tell me what I feel or how I feel. This isn’t the 1500’s or 1800’s or even 1940’s, 60’s or 80’s. Hell it isn’t the 90’s or even 00’s! We live in an age of global communication and this way of meeting up is a new norm. She doesn’t agree.

Why do I feel I have to justify that I am in love to them? I am not Confucius, Aristotle, Lao Zi, Einstein, Darwin, Plato, Descartes, the Buddha, or some other wise figure or sage. And even most sages knew they were fools. Even the Buddha took 49 days to achieve enlightenment, I can’t do it in a weekend or my remaining hours before work. Why must I be asked to reassess this?

I am really worried that if I turn down her offer to meet up in South Korea that she will think I am not being sincere. All these negative thoughts and outlooks my family have had in fear that I honestly shared with J. might be the tipping point that enough is enough. How could I not share them? As a result I have been keeping her abreast of all my attempts to help her come to Canada or meet up in such a way that pleases my family, but I know that isn't exactly showing me to be independent of my families influence. (Hence I can't help but wonder if she will think it will always be this stressful for her because of/around my family?) She is embarrassed for me, as I have embarrassed myself reaching out to anyone I can find in government or elsewhere for help.

But she also has pressures from her family, friends and coworkers wondering why I haven't met her yet when "[I] as a Canadian have one of the most powerful visas in the world" and clearly could afford dozens of trips there.

But like I hinted at above my family hasn't been invested in learning anything to do with her over the past years and now that I am being more forceful of the situation they are scared and rightly so. I just can’t quell fear. Theirs or mine. Sometimes we have to make our own miracles. :S I shouldn’t keep watching for some magic email from IRCC to make the problem go away.

First of all, thank you for sharing and opening up to us strangers on this forum! I'm glad you did. I can definitely see how having an impartial, unbiased look at this would be helpful.

I can definitely understand you and your girlfriend's frustrations here. I can also empathize with the concern but I think that's going to be any parent/family response to a situation like this. I have been in long-distance relationships before, so I do know the struggles here. However, mine were never outside the country so that aspect is not something I have dealt with. If I can ask some clarifying questions:

It seems your family's biggest concerns have to do with not really knowing "J". And so, the thought of you traveling around the world to meet her is scary. Is there a way you can bridge that gap? Can they interact with her? I know that's asking a lot-- but maybe it would help ease some of your mom's concerns? Have you ever talked to J on a video app? Skype, Facetime, etc.? And if not-- why not? If you have been talking to her for several years, I would hope you two have used video chats or something to not only speak to one another, but hear one another and see one another. And, then maybe you can set up a time where you, J, and your family can all 'meet' over video. Have a face to a name. If you've already done this- then how did it go?

There is always the concerns of apps that can distort faces. Technology is both magnificent and terrifying. I agree the long-term, true investment of visas and all that can be challenging. I think finding a neutral meetup spot would be ideal so neither of you are out the finances and trip just for the other person. Its a vacation. One you would take regardless of if you and J were meeting up. If you can think of it that way-- then I think you're on the right track. Also, IF you do meet J in person- set boundaries BEFORE you meet. I realize that this can be hard, but a) I think it'd make your mom feel better and b) it may take some awkwardness out of the equation. For example-- say you fly to S.Korea or wherever-- set rules for the meeting. Have an agreed upon, public first 'meet'/date/whatever you want to call it. Agree that this will just be a date. You will not go back to a private place afterwards. At least not after that first date. Go to date. Fun fun fun. Say goodbye. Go back to your hotel or wherever you are, she goes back to hers. Process the meeting. Be honest about it. Think about it. See if there is the physical connection like there was long-distance.

That's just an initial thought. Meet everyone in the middle. But you have to tell your family something. That's why I think having that video meeting would be great if it hasn't already happened. Be open. Be honest. This is your life. You are an adult. You are able to make your own decisions. But you are also subject to the consequences for those decisions and need to weigh those out and do what you can to minimize them.

Second-- long-term goals for yourself and J.

Would J be moving to Canada if it wasn't for you? You mentioned that she wants to move somewhere. I know visas are tough, but there should be opportunities for her to get work visas to Canada or US? My knowledge in this area is a little fuzzy- but I think either of you doing permanent visa work with the sole benefit being uniting would be putting too much pressure on your relationship. If she wants to immigrate, that is going to be her decision for her reasons. I know you want to help her-- but this is her life too. If she really truly wants it, let her work on it. Figure it out. And come to you if she needs help. That way- she isn't coming to Canada for your 'money' or to 'take advantage' of you. She would be coming, getting her own job, her own place, and then-- go from there.

The same is true for you. If J comes to Canada, your life could potentially change. Would you truly be able to commit to a physical relationship? What if it goes well? Are you in a position to move out on your own, support yourself, be independent, and potentially have a life with another person? There is a convenience with living at home and perhaps a cultural reason too- but I also find, the more you act like an independent adult, the more you'll be treated like one.

I'm sorry if some of this seems cruel or mean. I certainly want you to be happy! And I think you deserve that. There are lots of reasons to explore this relationship because if you're still talking about all these years, there is a connection. But it takes more than a LDR connection to make a relationship work. Which I'm sure you know. You seem level headed about this. I think if you reframe your way of thinking not to - how can we be together? - but to - what do I want for MY future? and what does J want for HER future? and then compare-- do they line up? Because-- let's face it-- if you DO go to S. Korea (or wherever) and you have a real physical spark and connection, you don't want to only realize then that you want to be somewhere completely different than where she wants to be in life.

Hang in there! And, while honesty is SUPER hard-- it is a lot better than lies. No matter how small.

Sorry I wish I had more time to reply right now, but I won't for another 8 hours or so!

J. and I have talked over Skype before and other programs both using video and audio. A lot more lately. I have met some of her friends and family that way briefly. I have had immense trouble getting my family to come and talk to her. They only did once, and my family tried to make it very brief and to the effect that they wanted us to wait till next March Break or next summer. They cited some honest and really stupid reasons as I mentioned above why we shouldn't meet yet. Basically they are looking for her to prove her loyalty.

We have talked about the future and I am trying to make sure J. could get here regardless of me, if that is what she wants, given accidents happen. The family never seems satisfied with our answers and is fearful I will run off somewhere outside the country with her if she can't get a visa.

Thanks all I have time for this second, but thank you so much.

Hello Union: Since this is your first post, here on PC, welcome to Psych Central. I want, first, to admit I didn't read your entire post. I read probably about the first half & then skimmed the rest. There's nothing I can offer with regard to the visa issues you've encountered. Perhaps the solution to this may lie in finding an attorney who is experienced in handling visa & immigration-related issues? But I really don't know.

What I would like to suggest to you is probably not what you want to hear. But you're 33 years old. (By the way... just for reference I'm 71!) And, from what I read, you're still tied to your mother's apron strings, so to speak. It's past time for you to become your own man. Yes, doing so may cause problems with your mother & brother. And yes it's certainly possible all of the concerns your mother is raising could be true. Life is a risk. But ultimately the question here, to my way of thinking, is are you going to do what needs to be done to figure out if "J" really is the love of your life or is the love you feel you have for her not strong enough that you're willing to risk what you have to risk in order to fulfill it. And alternatively is your connection to your mother & brother so strong you are willing to face the prospect of being alone the rest of your life in order to avoid angering them? It's really your choice.

You're 33 years old. I'll tell you, you potentially have a lot of years ahead of you. And by continuing to accede to your mother's & your brother's wishes, you could end up spending a lot of those by yourself. (Granted that could happen too if you alienate your mother & brother & don't end up with "J" either.) Is it possible you might find someone else if you disengage from "J"? Yes that's a possibility too although, based on what you wrote, it sounds like you've already been through this once before. The thing is there are no guarantees on any of this. Whatever you do, whichever way you go, you could end up regretting it. In fact, I would suggest that no matter what you do there will be regrets of one sort or another. There again... that's life. All you can do is to make a decision based on what you know now & what you hope for yourself in the future. Yes I understand you don't want to hurt your mother & brother. (I read your Carnival Row quote. Platitudes can certainly be a comfort.) As I once read somewhere on the internet: "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it." The fact is (from my perspective) someone is likely to feel hurt in this situation. The question is will it be you, potentially "J", or your mother & brother? It doesn't have to be that way. But based on what you wrote it sounds to me as though your mother & brother are making it that way which means that sadly, unless they come around & change their minds, you're going to have to choose. But, based on my own experience, that's the reality of being an adult in this world. It's messy. That's simply the way it is.

The reality is I can't tell you what decisions to make here. I can only offer my personal perspective based on what you wrote. Perhaps, given the physiological symptoms you mentioned you're experiencing, talking all of this through at-length & in-depth over a period of time with a counselor or mental health therapist would be a good idea. I think, whatever you decide, the one thing you definitely should not do is to continue on the way you are. You're jeopardizing your own health, both mental as well as physical, and it sounds like perhaps your livelihood as well. Whichever way you feel you want to go, my recommendation is... make a decision now & stick with it. My best wishes to you...

I am somewhat confused.

Did she applied for a visitor visa to enter Canada? If yes was it denied? Why?

If it was denied, why can’t you fly to phillipines to meet her?

You don’t need any visa. I can buy a ticket and fly to Manila tomorrow. What’s the issue? Why discuss family issues before you even met. If you haven’t met everything else is a moot point. Why does your family need to Skype with strangers if you two haven’t even ever met? It’s unusual request. You are talking to someone online. Typically family and friends don’t get involved until a couple actually knows each other in real life (unless it’s on tv in 90 days fiancée tv show).

Just buy a ticket and fly (some areas are dangerous there but Manila could be ok)see if it is even worth all this. Whose approval are you referring to? You don’t need anyone’s approval to visit Phillipines

That seems REALLY complicated, @Union678! I don't have a lot to add that BOTH jaymoq and Skeezyks haven't already wisely and WONDERFULLY said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! I'll keep it brief. If it was possible to arrange some more videochats through Skype or some other apps it would be ideal and perhaps your parents would feel a bit more reassured. I doubt that they'll trust her completely but at least it will be something. As for the rest, it's your choice what to do or not. Whatever you do, be careful and follow jaymoq's wise and WONDERFUL advice as much as you possibly can. Meet in publuc places, don't rush her, get to know her, ecc. I'm sure you know ALL of this already so I won't insist. Like Skeezyks has already wisely and WONDERFULLY said better than I ever could, you're an adult and you can make your OWN decisions. You don't have to be reckless but allow yourself to be indipendent in this kind of thins. Either way, it's your choice what to do or not! I hope you'll ALL be able to find a compromise. You seem wise and WONDERFUL so I'm pretty hopeful for you. Wishing the best to ALL of you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Union678, your Family, your Friends, your Girlfriend and ALL Of Your Loved Ones!

you live in a sr community? at 33? with your mother?

here is a thought....break away, stand on your own and make your own decisions. mother be damned. if you feel this is a true relationship then make it happen. mommy doesn't have to come with and by all means shouldn't. you are not 18.

move out. get your own place and stand fast.

I had to reread this post because I thought maybe I am missing something. I still don’t understand the issue. You’ve been talking to this woman for 6 years and aren’t meeting her. If you don’t want to fly to phillipines then why not meet somewhere else? She travelled to 10 countries. So she can travel. Canadians only need visas to travel to few countries, otherwise just buy a ticket a meet her. 6 years long enough to save money and go meet someone. Unless she is talking and dating other people, she has ton of patience talking for 6 years to a guy who won’t come visit. What’s the deal

Finally back home, and once again thank you all so very much for the help. I will be honest and say I have posted this on several different forums and received just simple or short responses everywhere else, if any at all.

I will try to speak to each of your posts in turn.

Yes I believe no matter if I would have a Canadian girlfriend (which is preferred by them for simplicities sake since they often say “oh why couldn’t you have…”) or one from abroad I would get this similar very negative and suspicious outlook to whomever it was. Yes it is natural for any parent to want to protect.

Yes their concerns are mostly about me having not met J. in person (hence the part in my post above about not believing I can be in love yet), and that she is in their eyes very likely not what she seems: “There isn’t something quite right about her.” is all I ever hear. I don’t communicate well with most people, not even my family. Over the past 5 years they barely asked about her other then to see if I still talk to her. It took everything I had to write a letter and confront them first off about wanting to meet up outside Canada since that failed again this year. Yes I probably have something wrong (phobia?) and need social counselling. I am an extreme introvert, part my doing, part their sheltering. I constantly get the impression they think if they leave it alone the problem will go away on its own. They are only more panicked now that I spoke up. My family has only talked to her once on Skype about a week and a half ago, and dropped in on one Skype call a year or more back over Christmas for all of like 30 seconds. Besides that they might have asked one question a month prior and now bombard me with only phrases that make me question the relationship, nothing positive to show support or they are happy for me like “go get ‘em Tiger.” (To be cliché about it.) They don’t seem interested in trying to talk to her or getting to know her as they already know I mentioned to J. they think she is a scam. Honestly I think they deserve that discomfort if they are going to be stereotyping people, and I can’t sugar coat it, be racist. They are not acting like the people I knew. This whole thing reminds me immediately of an episode of Star Trek Generations called the Drumhead you can find on youtube.

It doesn’t help that my brother never attempts to get a girlfriend and just backs my mother up. I am always the one to try and break free and get double teamed.

Now I said “mostly” about me not having met J., but I am thinking they also are concerned it will affect my teaching career if I end up moving away, or can’t get a term position for increased status while I am off after my beau. Getting permanent teaching spots or even terms is not easy here. I think my mother expects me to get a house or position first before worrying about a love life. You can’t help when love happens however and schools will always be there, but J. could very easily move on if I wait.

I agree my family and J. need to talk more. It doesn’t help that J’s family mostly can’t speak English cause the two families should talk a little too. J. has hid the whole my family thinks she is a scam from her mother and most but not all of her contacts on her end to try and preserve our relationship, or out of shame? The little meet up they had was just a formality for mother to try and request that J. wait till next X to prove her loyalty to me.

I know technology is amazing but I can’t say I have ever seen anything distorted. J. takes a lot of photos and has a cat which is often prominent in the video chats which I would think would make hiding something more difficult. I trust that she is who she is physically.

I believe you are correct about the neutral meet up spot first. My girlfriend and I are both very similar personality wise (introverted), and probably would agree to a slow ramp up. My mother would never accept me sharing a room with J. yet anyhow, although we do want to go camping and hiking in the future. My mother isn’t super religious but is a bit and falling back on it as a crutch to support her arguments.

In terms of meeting up I literally had to sit down and make a spreadsheet of every country and territory on earth and slowly rule them out one by one for travel warnings, natural hazards (earthquakes, hurricanes, etc), government or past/present war concerns, violent crimes, etc and lately on costs for J and I. Ireland was the most equal cost but requires a visa for us both and more time. South Korea is certainly more costly for me than her, but she has already spent a lot on trying to get us to meet up in Canada (she has tried to meet various visa requirements by traveling to other countries to get a travel history of returning back home, and is saving for an apartment rather than rent.) In overall costs for the both of us South Korea is very low in all respects but my travel. I can very easily afford it, and even so have been secretly saving a separate account for just this potential crisis over the last several years knowing my family doesn’t want me to touch my funds for buying my own house.

It’s hard to grow up for yourself when you are in a police state. They value hard work, so I have just made the best of a bad situation working as much as I can so I will have more free time in my future with a potential family. Hence working 3+ jobs all the time. Hence why I really need J. and I to work out to justify all my lost time. I have had 137 full days off in the last 1671 or 4.64 years. That’s 8.2% of my life over nearly 5 years. Yes I have a spreadsheet about that. I have fed my family tons of evidence and sympathetic material, but they just get more polarized.

J. wants to immigrate somewhere, or has always had that dream, but as she has told me her main interest is in fact me. I have no doubt she can eventually get here, but we just want to meet first and make sure this is serious. I do have some people locally that are offering to help with this in the future. Clearly tourist visa isn’t going to work so we will change tactics to work or student visa if need be.

I am absolutely ready for a life change to actual try having a relationship (physical and emotional). All this mental breakdown and hard work has been for just that! I am very well off financially to start my own life right now through my own hard work/efforts and not having had to deal with rent while I am living at home. (One of the reasons I have stayed so long.) J. knows I am doing quite well, but not how well. 3+ jobs does create a lot of income if you don’t go anywhere or don’t do anything to spend it. Emotionally though I do admit I am stretched very thin right now and have ZERO social skills. J. knows this and has been a trooper trying to help me with it. We have some planning for a future but nothing can ever be set in stone, so we are part taking it a step at a time and part planning.

Nothing you people say is cruel, I knew long ago I needed to break out and have been really just trying to bide my time for the right reasons and push all at once.

I am all about trying to get this to be “the relationship” while dumbing down the idealism (afterall this is very tarnished from my family to begin with). If this fails I am not sure I can handle even trying again. This has hurt me to the center of my core on top of what has happened before in my life….

Skeezyks I haven’t shared all of my past….there are bad things that have happened to me that aren’t relevant here and are closed book stories which I have already dealt with. I ended up this way for a number of reasons but the over-protectionism and need to earn a lot of money for my own university and car basically set the routine and stage for the conditions today. I tolerated it for awhile to get hopefully a better and brighter future.

One of the down sides is my mother has no one to support her but us brothers. If I get estranged that leaves her with just my brother and she isn’t exactly in the best of health. My brother is also very lazy and I am have routinely been the main care giver. I have been as delicate as I can for a reason.

This very likely is, to borrow a phrase, a kobayashi maru scenario (yes I grew up on sci fi deal with it), and has no good outcome.

I hate to say it but just by pure logic I won’t be living with the two of them forever and would have far more years yet to come either alone or with someone if I can make a relationship truly work out.

Yes I HAVE been trough this once before with a girlfriend in a wheelchair. And me going off to China in the first place for classes and to prove I can teach before taking an education degree. And many other smaller battles. But this is by far the hardest thus far.

divine1966 her visa was denied for having a lack of travel history (she couldn’t prove she would leave when she said she would leave given she hadn’t travelled anywhere yet). She has travelled to 10+ countries now to try and set a record of leaving before her visas expire. But we are told not all countries have the same weight and she needs a European country or Canada/US. There are other reasons too like not having physical assets to tie her back home (no house, car in her name) she rents given most available and affordable housing in one of the worlds biggest cities for single people is mostly tenant based. Also lack of employment ties supposedly but really she gave them bucket loads of data for that and we don’t think they even looked. A lot of single females from third world or even “problem” countries are begin denied unfairly we have been finding out on social media, news, etc.

divine1966: As for me going to the Philippines I have been flat out told by my family it is too dangerous there and they will try to stop me in any way they can. Hence trying for South Korea and neutral ground. My mother doesn’t want me talking to anyone online. This certainly isn’t the first time she has called someone a scammer or boogieman. I live in an area with a lot of tourism for part of the year and mostly seniors and retirement homes the rest of the year and they all hate technology and tech culture. No one should date online my mother thinks.

Divine1966 the “issue" is my family doesn’t want me going anywhere to meet her alone, or ideally have her come here without any of us going anywhere. They don’t trust her at all and think she is a scam artist. I am trying to not cut ties with my family over my girlfriend as my mother really has no other supports but my brother and I for likely the remainder of her life and her health is getting worse over time. I am trying not to lose my girlfriend while appeasing my family to abate their fears little by little, but my girlfriend can’t wait forever and their abuse is getting to her. Does that sum it up? I know my first post is long but has detail between all the ranting.

I am unclear as to why you need your mothers approval for any of this....

Your family doesn’t need to ask anything about anyone you are talking to online and they absolutely don’t need to Skype with strangers. Why do they have to do any of it?

Obedient children like you are absolute rarity. If I and my daughters father told our daughter not to travel or not to date someone, she’d just roll her eyes. I don’t understand it. You don’t need to be rude to your mother but who cares what she thinks of danger of travel? “They don’t want you to travel abroad alone.” Oh well too bad. Who cares if they don’t want you to. You aren’t a minor. Why are you asking them? Buy a ticket and fly.

I think this unhealthy dynamic goes both ways. Your mother controls you. But you expect unrealistic things from your family too: they must ask questions talk on Skype and be all involved with a total stranger. This girl is a stranger whom you never met. Why involve family?

Are you seeing a therapist? All of this is quite unusual and you might benefit from talking to someone about it