Complex PTSD & partner

Hello everyone, thank you for having me. I have had Complex PTSD for 10 years from severe child abuse. I also am an empath and a HSP )Highly Sensitive Person). I am very sensitive to peoples energies and find it hard to meet people who dont have heavy/toxic/intense energies that I also feel safe with. I have one best friend and a boyfriend who I am close to but I am finding I longing for more connections and friends. Both my partner and BF are busy and dont always have time.

I struggle A LOT with interpersonal relationships. A LOT. At heart, I am a sweet sensitive, loving, kind and loyal friend/partner. I have been in therapy for 10 years (transpersonal, sandplay, holistic, trauma focused therapy,etc) and have tried very hard to be aware of my triggers, have been peeling back the layers and understanding why I get triggered and trying to manage them so people I love and friends are not impacted. I try to own my own ***** and not project.

Recently, I decided to connect with a young woman who I had sold some things to on facebook to. She lived near me and we seemed to have a lot in common. She was from Canada but had married and divorced in Australia and had only recently moved to my area. We met up and got a long well. I felt comfortable with her. There was a music festival on that weekend that my partner had gone to with his good friends (that have become my friends) but I didnt plan to attend. I told her about it and she said she had been thinking of going to also but wasnt sure as a guy she had just met was going. He had seen her for a week and was now ghosting her. We randomly decided to go together. Normally, my boyfriend and I go to these festivals/parties together with this group of friends. I dont have family or a big group of friends but getting together with these guys make me feel happy and that I am actually a part of something.

The whole car trip there she was telling me about this guy and what happened and it was so intense. She talked almost the whole trip about him. Psychoanalysing the whole situation, going into her abandonement stuff, her neediness, his stuff. It was SO horrible. I tried not replying to subtely show disinterest and not encourage it, I tried changing the topic but she always brought it back to her situation. I honestly felt like she was just dumping all her emotional turmoil on me like a therapist and didnt consider how I was feeling and over sharing. There certainly seemed to be boundaries issues. She was insecure and in emotional pain, that was clear. She then went on to talk about her past marriage. She was engaged to him at 3 months and married at 6 months. Then left him after about a year or so because he had kids and they were taking his attention from her. I already had a red flag with the lack of boundaries and over sharing, but the intense, quick engagement and marriage and leaving over kids sent my alarm bells ringing. She definitely screamed intensely insecure, abandonement issues, extremely co dependant, needing to be attached. During the trip she would say things that inferred that I would be spending the whole festival with her. Something I obviously didnt want anymore. As well as that, my partner was there also and I wanted to spend time with him. I started feeling intensely anxious and guilty. I didnt want to feel connected to her, I wanted her to go away but also felt bad because she didnt really know anyone else. I felt she had 'attached' herself to me energetically. Being an empath, I could feel it. It was extremely invasive, penetrating and overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I wanted to desperately cut it off, but I felt responsible for her, knew she didnt know anyone and it created a great deal of guilt.

By the time I arrived I was at the end of my tether. I went straight into my partners tent and blurted out my frustration to him. he didnt quite understand. I took LSD and had the worst trip in which I could actually feel an energetic cord between her and me. I find LSD is like a magnifying glass on my emotions and feelings. Magnifying what is already there. Her energy felt parasitic and invasive. Like she was trying to get inside me, using me as a 'safe place to be'. I could feel it all so much. Even before the LSD. That night she confided (with really intense eyes) that she basically stalked down to secure her ex-husband. Like catching prey. My red flag meter went through the absolute roof. She seemed unstable, emotionally intense and predator like, parasitic. She was simliar to the evil woman in the movie 'Single, White Female'.

As well as being horrific to experience it was also incredibly triggering for me. I had a very codependant, emotionally invasive and intense mother with BPD. She was very 'spiritual' and wanted us all to be like the religious swirling dervishes in turkey. They spun around dancing with one hand to god and one down to the people. It was meant to be symbolic of them being 'vessels for god'. My mum wanted us to be the same. So had always beat and psychologically killed any sense of identity or Self out of us so we could be 'empty vessels for god'. She also committed emotional incest and emotional rape. She had the exact same parasitic energy as this girl - an invasive energy trying to get inside of me.

Meanwhile at the festival, in my absence the girl had sought out the next most warm, kind, safe, empath like open person - my friend Rob. He is an absolute sweetheart. I immediately thought, *****, he is vulnerable. In my opinion she had spent the night 'grooming' and ;love bombing' him so she could attach to him. He looked so utterly happy to be sitting with her. The next day we left and I had to drive her back. She again tried to start talking about this guy and everything and I made it very clear by abruptely not replying and changing the topic without subtely. She could sense something was wrong so went to sleep.

The next day she messaged me. I didnt reply. Two days later she messaged again. I cracked and decided I had to cut her off. I decided to write and be honest with her. Then blocked her. DONE. GONE. My friend Rob messaged about her. He wanted me to pass on to her that he had a great time. I know this is horrible, but I didnt, and said that I did. Regardless they became facebook friends. She also sent facebook requests to four other of my friends. (initially my partners close friends). I didnt realise till a few weeks ago when she was tagged in their photos all out together celebrating HER birthday! I was so terrified, shocked, angry, beside myself. I thought I had got rid of her, but instead she had infiltrated my group and had become friends with people in my group!

I was triggered and over the last few weeks have been feeling unsafe, on edge, upset, angry. I was terrified she was going to get into the group and then be at all our gatherings. Then last friday night my partner and I were going to go to an event with our friends. We dont live together and we were talking over text. I should mention that my partner has been struggling with depression the last month. He let me know the parasitic girl would be there. I was angry and upset. But I decided to go and ignore her. I asked my partner to ignore her also. That way id feel safe knowing he was standing by my side. He said he couldnt. It would be rude and akward. It turned into an argument. I felt he was being unloyal. And why on earth would he want to talk to someone I had such an intense awful experience with? He was aware of the parasitic energy, but I hadnt told him that her energy was like my mothers. Obviously, I got triggered by him 'siding with her' and said I couldnt go at all and if we could go do something else. He said he was feeling anxious now and he left the conversation there. In the end I find out he went to the event without me and spoke to her! Obviously, I absolutely lose my *****! I feel absolutely confused and betrayed. I feel him talking to her and not ignoring her is encouraging her more into our group. And giving her the big tick. Instead of ignoring and stemming her infiltration. I have a complete melt down. I feel like he will always talk to her, will not stand by my side on this issue and that when we have a gathering she will be with everyone and I will have to sit separately. I am feeling insanely jealous and betrayed by my partner putting me in this position and not standing by my side. I feel like she has stolen my friends and now my partner. And that my partner just thinks I am crazy and doesnt quite believe me. He keeps minimising it to me just not liking her. I then find out he is friends with her on facebook!!!!!!! I am beyond LIVID. I immediately ask him to remove her and WHY is he friends with her on fb??? He said she added him straight after the festival, before I blocked her and she was just still there. I keep asking him to remove her. He says nothing and doesnt remove her. I am beyond triggered and cant believe how hurtful and awful he is being. I write to him and tell him why I am reacting so much to this person and that this girls energy is the same as my abusive mothers. I dont hear back. He finally says he is already struggling with depression and this is too much to handle right now. That when he feels controlled he gets his back up about it. Despite the fact that the whole thing started with me ASKING if he could please not talk to her. Not me telling him and making him.

I end up writing a long message to my friend (initially just my partners friend) Rob and explaining the whole situation. Its an awkward email because while we have become friends and catch up at gatherings we arent neccesarily close friends. he doesnt know about my Complex PTSD, me being an empath, etc. And it talks about parasitic energy that well, sounds like crazy talk. Plus, she is in her 'grooming' securing' phase with everyone being extra lovely, extra charming so everyone will think 'what the hell are you talking about???'. and just think I have lost my mind. In the end I explain that she is a huge trigger bc she has the exact same energy as my abusive mother, that im having panic attacks feeling like shes infiltrated the group, its really messed me up, im trying to work though it in therapy and ended with asking if he could please not invite her to group gatherings. I apologise for having to ask something that is a real boundary crossing, but that things are really bad and is the only reason I have reached the point of reaching out to him to let him know.

Its been a day and a half and he hasnt replied. Of course, Im feeling paranoid that he has messaged the other friends who are friends with her letting them know. Or even messaged her. And their all talking about me. Thinking im crazy. Ive spoken to my partner and he has finally removed her. I suggest if he doesnt want to have an awkward encounter with her in which he has to ignore her if she speaks to him .. that he write her a fb message explaining the situation and that considering the situation he thinks its best that they not be friends or talk. He agrees. But I know he will do it 'nicely' and may also scapegoat my illness as the reason. I know I sound like a crazy controlling girlfriend. I am not normally like this. But the intensity of the trigger has really messed me up and instead of finding an ally in my partner I have found someone willing to talk to her despite knowing how much it is killing me.

I'm feeling so depressed and vulnerable. What do you guys think? Be honest, but kind.

Hello StruggleStreet: Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm sorry I don't think I would be in a position to offer anything in the way of comments. ((I'm just an old man.) (Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some perspectives they can share.) However I believe this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subjects of empaths & on highly sensitive people:

5 Ways Sensitive Empaths Can Avoid Emotional Exhaustion

Why Empaths and Sensitives Must Take Special Care of Their Energies

How Highly Sensitive People Can Shield Themselves from Negativity

5 Tips for Highly Sensitive People in Navigating Overwhelm

How to Set Boundaries When You Are a Highly Sensitive Person | Happily Imperfect

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Hi StruggleStreet, welcome to Psych Central.

I had to sit and think about your challenge a bit before I could respond.

I am sorry that your effort to try and make a new friend ended up triggering you so badly the way you have shared. I suffer from ptsd myself so I know how bad some triggers can get, sometimes extremely disabling in ways others don't understand too.

From what you shared of this woman you tried to befriend, you were not expecting her to dump so much of her problems on you. Given what little you shared about your mother, I have a very strong feeling that your mother had so many issues herself that often when you were just a child with no understanding and so little life skills, were expected to take on HER emotional challenges. Often a child can witness the mother acting normal in public and around others, and then see her have her emotional meltdowns that can actually make any child feel frightened and powerless and helpless too. Actually, sometimes a mother can have one of her emotional meltdowns in a car where her child is suddenly at the mercy of her mother's emotional meltdown trapped in a car too. So, with what you described of how this woman dumped so much on you while you were driving in your car? You could have been triggered from experiencing that in your past too. Well, unfortunately, that is how complex ptsd can affect someone.

On top of getting so badly triggered StruggleStreet, you decided to take some LSD, and that drug is most definitely a hallucinogenic drug. That just made everything all that much worse for you as you have shared. IMHO, I could never take a drug like that with this ptsd I suffer from, and it's not surprising you had a horrible experience that actually traumatized you on top of already being triggered.

From what you wrote it sounds like in your mind, because of how this woman triggered you, you are seeing her as "she is my mother, toxic just like my mother was". And from what you described you were not only caught off guard by all the grief this woman shared with you, but she pretty much overwhelmed you with it despite your efforts to try to steer her away from engaging you that way.

This woman is NOT your mother though, and perhaps she was nice to you and thought she could confide in you and has been lonely with no friends and vented to you not realizing she was overwhelming you. Sometimes a person can have so much in them and be so alone with it that if they feel somewhat safe with a person, next thing they know they are "venting" too much out. Thing is though StruggleStreet, she may not do that with others and if she did others may not get triggered by it like you did because of how your mother had such a bad affect on you.

For example, you vented all the above over 24 hours ago and did not get any replies right? Does that mean you are a bad person? No, instead when different individuals read your thread, they may have simply not quite known how to reply to you. I read it hours ago, sometime this morning and I could not come up with a reply for you right away. I had to toss your dilemma around in my mind for a while to be honest. One thing I struggled to get past to be honest with you is how you were triggered and decided to take LSD. In all honesty, that is NEVER anything I would even consider doing myself, no way. You kinda made it sound like it's no big deal to you too, except for this particular "tripping adventure" that only maginfied your trigger into paranoia. I don't know what to say to that, no experience with that at all personally except that years ago I had such a bad reaction to just taking a few puffs from a joint that I never want to EVER try THAT again.

I can understand however, what it is like to be badly triggered by someone. Maybe even so much so that I may be compelled to try to warn others, especially if they are my friends. Yet, when it comes right down to it StruggleStreet, you cannot control other people. All you can do is share that you had a bad experience and to be careful. Yet, you cannot really expect other people to have the same fears you have and just cut someone off because you want them to. I find most people prefer to make up their own minds, I myself will listen to concerns, yet I prefer to make up my own mind about other people tbh.

I find that a lot of people have been using the label "narcissist" a lot. The truth is, not all people that have some selfish behaviors or don't quiet behave right all the time are actually narcissists. Also, not all people who are sensitive are "thin skinned narcissists" either. This woman is NOT your mother, she just was lonely and recovering from some kind of a bad relationship breakup and needs to vent it out. Not all that different than how you are feeling overwhelmed and venting here hoping someone will respond to you in some way that can ease how upset you are right now. It could just be that this woman is in a new place around all new people and is just trying to make some new friends and happened to meet you and your friends and maybe a kind shoulder she can cry on a bit too.

I have been a member here a long time and I have seen a lot of lonely people just needing a friendly shoulder they can cry on. It doesn't make them a bad person, it just means they need help and support and are taking a chance that their effort to reach out may provide some comfort.

I am not trying to minimize how you have been triggered. I have had some very bad experiences with some extremly toxic people, I know certain behaviors can most definitely trigger me, as I also mentioned I too suffer from ptsd so I understand how sensitive that can make someone.