When a family realty agreement goes wrong - HALP!!

I have been dealing with a long, messy divorce since 2017. In that time, most of my assets were frozen and I only left with a pick-up load of things. Going from two incomes to one was hard. I really struggled. Also, I couldn't make any investment purchases because I was still technically married and my attorney advised against it. I have SLOWLY rebuilt my life but renting became an exceptional burden and in December, despite some of my gut feelings, I agreed to a joint venture with my mom. She got a sizable inheritance from my late grandfather and offered to buy a house in her name to be re-mortgaged once I got my divorce finalized. The house was basically a dump and so I agreed to work on fixing it up The house was sold under market value as a result, of course. My mom lives several states away, so I was going to be the one coordinating everything. Initially, the idea was we projected a budget of what I could afford mortgage wise and so that amount less the cost of the house itself would be spent on remodeling the house. My boyfriend is also super handy, so he was going to save us a bunch of money by doing some work. Win-win!

She signed the papers in February and we started working on it. As with any remodel, some fixes uncovered bigger issues. But I budgeted for wiggle room here. And we were still golden. Got everything fixed up, new floors, new appliances, we were rockin'!

But then-- a few more problems popped up. As I started to live in the home, I realized there was a bad wire here. A bad pipe there. My mom decided she no longer wanted my bf or I to fix anything. She hired companies that were way overpriced to come in. She forbade me to talk to them. She yelled at them over the phone saying this is her home, not to talk to me, I'm just a tenant. Red flag #1. She has since spent in excess of $15,000 on repairs that should have cost maybe $2-3000 if my bf and I did them. Yeah- these companies took real advantage of her. But she completely shut me out of the loop. I literally only opened the door for them and then retreated to another room while they worked on whatever she told them to.

THEN, in June, my divorce was finalized. YEEHAW!! I was a free woman. Able to buy the home. Even my dad congratulated me and said "GREAT, now you can get that house in your name". But...no. Now my mom said its an investment property for her. She isn't sure she wants to sell. Keep in mind, I have sunk my own $ in to this place by now. I replaced all the plumbing fixtures. I've added my own style to things. I've put in a new fence. I rented a backhoe to help fix a drainage issue. All done with this mindset she was selling to me as soon as I was divorced. So it was an investment in to my long-term home.

The AC unit went out a few weeks ago. I am in humid Texas. Outdoor temps were at 104 degrees F yesterday with heat index over 110F. I need an AC. But I am not going to replace the unit or buy temporary units if she isn't going to sell this to me. I want to paint the house. Patch the walls. Fix a light fixture that right now is just bare wires hanging from the ceiling. But-- I can't do any of those things until its in my name.

She complains of the cost of fixing it up and I have mentioned "Well, I can take over fixing it up if you'll sell it to me". But she just says "No no, let's just get it fixed."

I'm worried now this is more involved than a typical landlord situation would be. I'm paying fair market rent for this house. It's not like she's not charging me or undercharging me. She called me last week to tell me her storage unit is full so she's having a car dropped off there to store in the garage. Umm- okay. What about my car? She just said if I park my truck outside, then I can have a spot for my car. I have a commuter car for work and a truck for my side gig working with horses. Parking one vehicle outside so she can store one of her vehicles? I don't know. I guess. What can I say?

I love this little house. It's everything I wanted. I researched. I found it. I negotiated on it. I met the realtor. I worked out deals. Because, this was supposed to be my house. When i moved in, that was the understanding. This would be my house, once I could legally own it. So I really don't want to move (again) because this is a perfect little place.

I don't know what to do. I considered waiting until tax season when there will be more $$ out her pocket and maybe I can say "Let me buy it. Then you don't have to worry about these costs". But if she reacts badly to that, I'm afraid what my long-term outcome will be.

I think part of this recent change in selling is due to my sister moving out of the home and moving across country to live with the father of her baby. My mom had a tight grip on her and now she has an empty nest and she sees this house as a leverage point to maintain a sense of....connection? Control? I'm not sure.

I just need some impartial advice.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds really complicated that your mom doesn't even seem open to a civil discussion about it.


The main question that comes to mind would be, did you have any written agreement/contract about buying the house once your divorce was final? Obviously, that will help your case. It sounds like you need to get some legal assistance regarding your rights. My husband works for a government agency that provides legal assistance in civil and family matters. This would be civil law. I am not sure if you have some sort of option like that where you are, or if you would qualify (here you have to qualify economically). If not, I guess you'd have to hire a lawyer.

This seems like a complicated situation, @jaymoq!! I'm TRULY SORRY for what you have to put up with! I'm really not sure what advice I could give you as I don't have any experience in legal affairs like this. I COMPLETELY agree with what rechu has already wisely and wonderfully said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! Get a Lawyer if you can and see if there's a way out orf this complicated situation. I guess you could just ask your Mom WHY doesn't she want to see it to you? I mean, that was the agreement at the start, I really don't see any reason why she shouldn't want to selll it to her own daughter? I'd say talk things through with her and try to find a compromise if it's possible. It's really not fair of her to treat you like this. Unfortunately I'm not sure there's much else you can do. Her house is hers so she has technically every right to do what she wants with it. If she seems excessively stubborn, are there any other options you may consider? Any other houses that may be available? It sucks when we can't get the ones we like but unfortunately that can happen sometimes. I hope you'll be able to convince your Mother! In any case, we're here to support you. Keep us updated on your situation fi you wish! We all DO care! THAT'S A PROMISE! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME! I'm sure PLENTY of other wise, wonderful posters will gladly help you as well! I wish I've had more useful advicxe to give you! I hope someone more knowledgeable than me, such as rechu and ALL the other wise, wonderful posters, will reply to this thread! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @jaymoq, your Family, your Friends, your Boyfriend, your Mother and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF!!

Thanks rechu and MickeyCheeky.

Legally- I won't pursue anything. A) because I just got done with a 2 year legal battle lol no more lawsuits! and b) because this is technically my mom's house. At the end of the day. And her right to keep. We never had anything in writing because I didn't want any documentation that my ex could use that could infer I 'owned' property, even indirectly. Somehow he still found out I was living on my mom's property and brought it up during the settlement but because we had a lease in place, I could argue it was just an investment property for my mom. To be honest, maybe that's why she started thinking of it that way?

I think more than anything, I'm just not sure if I should push the issue or just keep making my rent payments and treat her like a landlord. Because that is how she is treating me- as a tenant. Not her daughter. But a tenant. She has been throwing money in to this house I wouldn't have and at this point, if she wants me to pay what she's invested- its way more than I originally budgeted. So, let's say she does want to sell it - do I pay the extra $15k she has put in to it? Even though she made that decision outside my budget proposal?

My boyfriend of course is VERY irritated by all of this and worried because of the stress its causing me. It doesn't even feel like 'home' anymore. We've talked about me just saving up and buying another house. But, this'll be my dream home #2 I'm leaving. I had to sell my first dream home when I first left my ex and I have rebuilt my life in 2 years only to be back in this situation. Argh! Not fun. But, that's life I guess. I am hoping that maybe she'll ease up. Maybe she'll sell the house to me. Maybe not. I am just going to take it day-by-day. I just sometimes feel stuck in the middle. Between my mom, these companies she is hiring, her using the garage to store her things, and then my boyfriend who doesn't like it and is irritated and wants me to stand up to her. But if I do, she's just stubborn enough that she could say "Get out when your lease is up" and then I'll really be in a pickle.

Can you get her to agree to give you a lease? This way if she decided to sell she would have to give you notice. Then the repairs she would be required to fix.

I think you could tell her that if she wants to be a landlord then she's a landlord and she can't store things on the property. I think if I were you I'd just lay down firm boundaries. I pay rent and it includes the garage and full use of the property and she is not allowed to store things there. I also think if I were in your shoes that I'd tell her I'm looking to move since she won't sell as previously promised. The fact is she probably will never sell it to you. Better to cut your losses and find a home that can truly be yours. Guess it's just a lesson of have things in writing, even with family, unless you're willing to risk getting burned.

I would not pay anything for the repairs, no way. Are you in a position to buy the house from her now?

It seems like it would be better to just cut your losses and move on entirely from this deal because you can't really trust what she says. She said you could buy it, but now she isn't selling. She said you could fix it, but then she took over and paid more than you would have. The market rent you are paying - is that more than the mortgage payment? I think there's a danger that she will say you can close on the house in October and then pull the rug from underneath you again. I'd let her deal with everything including the hassle of selling to someone else. You are in a great spot to look for a new place since you can break your lease whenever you want. Oh, that must be so annoying, to have her treat you like a tenant while she still acts like a bossy mother instead of a landlord who has to abide by the lease and provide a habitable home.

Geez, I am sorry as you just break free from an ex that wants to take whatever he can from you and here you are with your mother doing the same thing basically. Two people that don't respect your feelings and desires but instead look at things for their own benefits. It sounds like your mother doesn't see that house as an opportunity for you at all, instead she only sees it as HER opportunity and investment. And in all honesty, you need to sit down and make a list of everything you put into this house and any money you spent on it too. This includes labor costs even if your boyfriend did the labor, that still has value. You can also take pictures of everything you did as well. If your mother is now paying some so called professional that is costly? Then you deserve the going rate for whatever you put into this little house. Also, if you are paying rent and are paying the going rate, make sure you keep track of what you paid her in rent so she cannot say you worked in exchange to live there.

Your mother is showing you what she cares about by her actions jaymoq, BELIEVE her, otherwise you will end up being disappointed once again. Your mother will want to make money off this investment too, so unless you can pay her fair market value for the renovated house, you will not get it. When you see these so called professionals coming in and doing work and charging these high rates, guess what? Your mother will be looking for that cost to be covered when she decides to part with this house that is HERS. Truth is, as soon as your mother started hiring professionals and taking over where you had no say, you lost that so called dream house as her actions have been showing how she has taken on the whole ownership.

The only way you can possibly win with a person like this is if they want to see YOU be happy and see you as THEIR child where you have more value than some investment house. Sometimes, with a person like this the only thing you can do is make a humble pie and have them sit with you in person and let them know how you are trying to be strong like them and get on your feet and have some things to yourself in your life. "Mom, how can I be more like you and get what "I" WANT instead of having other people plow me over like my ex did?" Sometimes, the only way you can get someone who has some narcissistic traits to see you is to stand next to them with the puzzle in front of the two of you and ask them what they would do to solve it. Try to understand and learn to keep in mind how these individuals tend to be all about THEIR ego and self importance. When a person is like that jaymog, as soon as you challenge them, they are only going to fight you so THEY can win. That is probably why your sister is distancing completely from your mother. It's probably the same reason you are walking away from your ex too. Also why you can't have anything in your name that he could take from you and you do know HE WILL DO JUST THAT.

Sometimes, we lose OUR dream and even our sense of self worth and self esteem because of the people we have around us in our lives. It sounds like you father can see you and sympathize with you, but not your mother. Your mother probably picked him because she knows he will give into her, he is probably passive and sensitive right? Sounds like your father doesn't have the POWER in that relationship either, and it's your mother that RULES in their relationship.

Well, from what you have shared of your mother, you will not win if you challenge her, and I think you already do know this. So, the only thing I can think of that "may" help is if you meet with her over some humble pie. What comes to my mind is that movie "My big fat Greek Wedding". I am thinking about how the mother learned that in order to get what she wanted from the father was to run the conversation in such a way where he thinks it's his idea. She told her daughter, "yes, he may be the head of the family but I am the neck that turns the head".

Some people shy away from doing the humble pie approach because they don't want to hear the truth. The thing is that you cannot avoid the truth and go along thinking you will get what you want and end up once again not having your dream house. You are simply not going to change your mother either, the only thing you CAN do is change the way you deal with her and her tendency to be all about HERSELF.

I hope that helps you jaymog so you can see these kinds of people more clearly where you learn to avoid getting involved with them as they tend to ONLY see their own ego's and needs and not yours. To hope for that to change somehow is wasteful and typically leads to you ending up losing out. This doesn't mean you don't deserve to have what you want either. Yet, when you play with people who just can't see YOU the way you want, often that doesn't turn out well as you have been learning.

Consult a lawyer