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Default Jan 11, 2020 at 05:52 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by poshgirl View Post
Thanks everyone, for your advice/comments.

When I called her yesterday evening, had to leave a message as she was on phone. Started again, when I reminded her we were due to go shopping today. The secondary issue was she'd forgotten but "had no intention of going anyway". Her attitude was still unacceptable, again saying I was selfish. I countered by saying how can I be when I've taken you to medical appointments etc. Her answer was your brother and sis-in-law think it's amazing what your doing. So why all this aggro?!

Then I rang my aunt. Only told her a fraction of the issue as she's got hearing problems. Her advice was don't desert my mother completely. Just take her to appointments, shopping, etc. My aunt was disappointed that her sister had been running her down to me and I was bearing the brunt of her failure to tell my aunt about perceived unacceptable behaviour. Will be interesting to find out what happened when they met today.

I am moving on. Still intend to go away for Christmas. Must find myself a cosy cottage somewhere!
I'm sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve to be treated like that.
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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 03:46 AM
  #42
Since the start of the year, I've not been criticised by my mother for anything, although she still can't tell my aunt properly to stop bossing her around. Admitted she's a coward.

Last Sunday, my mother, aunt (her sister) and SIL's mother all went to lunch at my brother and SIL's house. Apparently, they had a wonderful time although SIL still had attitude. My mother challenged the unacceptable comments she made. Just before leaving, she offered my mother a piece of homemade cake to take home, asking if I would like one too. The only reason I didn't eat it yesterday was it didn't look very appetising as jam and cream had made sponge soggy. Don't know what my mother will tell her, probably not the truth.

One observation I made to my mother was SIL sending me a gift of cake instead of apologising for her actions towards me. Mother's answer was who knows! If this is SIL's attempts at a reconciliation then she'll have to try harder.
As I've said before, not holding my breath....
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Default Jun 21, 2020 at 08:40 AM
  #43
This subject has come to the surface again, as it's approaching my mother's birthday. She doesn't know what to do about the "rift" as she calls it. Asked me what I intended to do about that day. Also wanted to moan because my aunt (her sister) had told her she was visiting that day too.

My answer was firstly it's your birthday, you decide what you want to do. Everything she suggested can't be done because of lockdown. Subject then returned to the rift. Again, it was how depressed she is and can't see a way forward with this situation. I asked what I think is an important question "have you discussed the situation with my brother?" Unsurprisingly, the answer was "No". My response "why not, there's two sides to this and I won't be blamed for someone else's unacceptable behaviour". Conversation ceased as there was no point in continuing. When I left her house later, said let me know what you want to do on your birthday. Have no intention of starting an argument on her birthday.

Probably mentioned this before, but can't understand why she won't have same conversation with my brother. Think she's scared that she'll be banned from seeing her only grandchild. She commented recently that I seem to have something on both of them that I won't share with her. Yes I do, but think it would affect her health. Or, she'll say she doesn't believe me.
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 07:50 AM
  #44
Knew I would eventually be posting an update to report that no progress had been made on this situation.

Firstly, it took my mother four days to tell me that my brother wanted a meeting at her house this morning. It started with him telling me off for not contacting him after my mother's fall last week. The fact she'd said she wanted to tell him herself made no difference. Admitted I should have ignored her and contacted him.

We then progressed to the rift. To say his attitude was arrogant is an understatement. He denied her lashing out at me was domestic abuse, "she wasn't going to hit you anyway". Really! Only my mother grabbing her arm stopped the connection with the side of my face. I told him her behaviour was unacceptable but he still couldn't see the problem. With a smirk on his face and laughing, he told me to get my head from up my backside and take responsibility for what happened. Went very quiet when I told him that Mom had commented to his stepdaughter that her mother was possibly drunk, then repeated the statement on the journey home with me. He then continued to interrupt everything I said and must admit I did wag my finger at him; not the brightest move! He then accused me of criticising how they were bringing up my niece. What I actually said and repeated many times was that she was a credit, having empathy decency and integrity in healthy measures. Oh and finally, he did apologise for his language and slamming my car door. I accepted it but said it had taken a long time.

Then my mother chipped in and that's when all became obvious. She accused me of not being willing to "bend" in achieving a reconciliation. Pretty obvious that yet again, he'll be getting away with unacceptable behaviour. When he'd gone, she turned on me again with ancient events that need to be consigned to history.

Was shocked but ultimately not surprised by his attitude. If this is what having a comfortable life means, think I'll stay poor. Just didn't seem to see any wrong in his wife's attitude, choosing to blame me for my mood a few days before and when arriving at their house.

Before leaving her house earlier, told my mother that I wasn't getting involved in any issues around other family members. Over the past few days, she's said there's traitor in the family and she reckons my brother has serious problems at home.

Think I've been played! None of us are perfect and we do change with age and life circumstances. I'm so fed up of being the "punchbag" for this family, of course they can't see that either. It's my birthday in a few days' time and at this moment I don't want to spend time with my mother. Just want to get away from it all.....
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 09:19 AM
  #45
It sounds like your mother's sister bullies her and your mother tries to remain passive as she most likely learned during her life that her sister just bullies more if she doesn't get her way. And what you experience with this Aunt is something your mother has dealt with her whole life and probably learned it's useless to try to stand up to her sister and her sister is stingy about apologizing for behaving badly.

Now that you are older you are seeing the unhealthy dynamics more and how your mother tries to be more passive as she dislikes confrontation. It's probably something she learned growing up around her own family dynamics and knowing her sister gets bossy and controlling, something you are becoming much more aware of.

Perhaps there is a part of you that already knows your mother prefers to avoid in an effort to reduce feeling stressed. This is part of her desire to not make her falling a big deal too. Yet, as you found out your brother gets angry and insists you let him know when something like that happens. What you did was honor your mother's wishes to keep it quiet, yet even if you mention that to your brother will respond with don't listen to her. That puts you in a bad place which can lead to your feeling like the punching bad simply because you felt it was your mother's right to tell whomever she wanted to about what she experienced. However, her motivation is more about getting to spend time with her grandchild and she doesn't want anything to interfere with that. And perhaps your brother and his wife are having problems and your mother is trying to stay neutral so she doesn't threaten being able to see her grandchild. My guess is this is how your mother learned to navigate around difficult people and part of why she tends to bring up history to prove how others only get more aggressive when any effort is made to stand up to them.

If your birthday is coming up, it's YOUR day and you don't have to make it into some kind of family thing.
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 09:44 AM
  #46
Thanks OpenEyes

My aunt took on some caring duties for an elderly neighbour who she also bossed around. There was row between my mother and aunt last week which in its way led to the fall. Going back to their childhoods, aunt was her mother's favourite which led to my mother having to bear brunt of her mother's poor parenting skills. Plus the fact that there's six years between them.

My mother's problem is she won't take issue with my brother, choosing to try and undermine me at every opportunity. She's convinced herself recently that he's got problems at home. The fact that she could see no wrong with his attitude today proved to me that, as the saying goes, "he gets away with murder". What have I just done, placed an order for her medication. She still expects me to do these things for her. Perhaps he'd like the task instead...

The more I think about it, I've allowed myself to be played. No use me keep moaning about it. Only I can take action to preserve my self esteem. I won't be dragged down to my mother's level of self-worth. She even resorted to talking about dying earlier when the situation hadn't been resolved. Now if that isn't emotional blackmail, I don't know what is! But, how do you walk away when someone is frail?

Last edited by poshgirl; Aug 16, 2020 at 10:15 AM..
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 10:55 AM
  #47
While sometimes a statement of wanting to give up is emotional blackmail, other times it's a genuine expression about how someone feels too, especially when a person is older and more frail. And often deciding not to take issue with your brother is more about how your mother probably sees he isn't going to be patient, not like you which is probably why she shared more with you.

So, is your mother's sister younger or order than her?
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 10:59 AM
  #48
Can you limit interactions with your family members? I know you need to speak with your brother because of your mom and that you’re taking care of your mom, but this whole family wreaks of TOXIC. Your mother is toxic, so is sister in law and even your brother. I would limit conversations, visits and interactions to only what is necessary. You are their punching bag. It’s emotional abuse.

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Frown Aug 16, 2020 at 12:30 PM
  #49
Thanks Open Eyes. My aunt is 6 years younger than my mother. Let's just say my grandmother behaved exactly how my mother is now. Playing one child off against the other. That's contributed to my mother's low self-esteem.

Have Hope, thanks. You don't want to think this about your family but it's become clearer since the episode with sister-in-law. How my brother could say it wasn't domestic abuse; he's just hen-pecked. When my stepfather hit my mother many years ago, he threatened to floor him if he did it again so why is he now condoning his wife's behaviour. Lastly, my mother's attitude today openly displayed her favouritism for her son. Am I jealous? No, known this for a long time. She's also been horrible for ages so it's not down to being old or frail.
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 04:20 PM
  #50
Is your brother older or younger than you?
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Default Aug 17, 2020 at 02:59 AM
  #51
Open Eyes, he's 4 years younger than me.
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Default Aug 17, 2020 at 03:39 AM
  #52
Have slept on it, albeit fitfully and decided only action is to distance myself totally. As a good friend said many years ago, you can only achieve peace with yourself if you end all contact.

I order my mother's medication online so need brother's e-mail address so that he can take it over. Will also be returning door key. Have only just got it anyway after many years when she took it off me in a fit of pique. Promised to contact Social Services about aids for her home and will make contact. However, at the first opportunity he can take it over. Same with her shopping.

What I experienced yesterday was a kangaroo court. The decisions had already been made on the outcome. It's disgraceful that my mother should openly attack me in front of brother then tell me she expected me to stay longer. To openly support a liar told me all I needed to know about our relationship. Some of the comments he made were straight quotes from her. She's told family members that I spend all day on the internet. How she knows when we don't live in the same house... I've never heard someone come out with such a large quantity of bull****!

As for my birthday, don't want to spend it with a manipulative mother who openly displays favouritism. No wonder he sat there looking smug all the time. Of course, my aunt will try to talk me out of it but her idea of my birthday lunch was the cafe in a retail outlet. Thanks but no thanks
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Default Aug 17, 2020 at 06:02 AM
  #53
Good for you. I agree that distancing as much as possible is the only way to preserve your mental health and your sanity.

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Default Aug 17, 2020 at 07:38 AM
  #54
Have Hope, thank you.

Just started to write down everything I can remember about yesterday. The one thing that keeps stopping me in my tracks is mother's attitude in telling me it was all my fault. Think it's because I've finally accepted she's devious and has been for a long while.

Something she wouldn't tell me, that reduced her to tears, was a comment her neighbour made sometime last year. Found out from him a week ago exactly what he said. It was his view of my brother's lack of visits and broken promises to do jobs for her. They say that truth hurts. Being a father himself, he knows about family dynamics. Of course, he's now on the naughty list because he dared to criticise her perfect son.

All the things she said yesterday that she isn't, she actually is. Dramatic, jealous, scheming, attention-seeking. Hasn't just become like this since her failing health.
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Default Aug 18, 2020 at 03:48 AM
  #55
Not wishing to sound dramatic, but here's the next episode of this ongoing saga.

Very interesting phone conversation with my aunt last night. She was the person who instigated calls from sister-in-law and brother to my mother last week. Not happy to be called a traitor for saying he needed to phone her. Admitted she was upset by mother's attitude but now understood how I felt.

Also learned what had happened during frank discussion between aunt and mother last week. Apparently, she pointed out to my mother that the only people doing anything were her and me. She said that he was doing absolutely nothing. My aunt added that mother got very defensive when hearing this truth.

When I said that I was going to hand everything over to him, she asked me not to. Her view was the situation would not change and she would be left to pick this up. My aunt's understanding of the meeting was it would be to discuss what my mother needed in terms of help. She was not surprised by the outcome but disappointed by his attitude. There was mutual agreement that mother's problems and attitude weren't just because of her health issues.

Thursday is my birthday and the arrangements made are still going ahead. Still feel it would be better to spend it on my own. Expecting day to be hijacked by mother and her issues. Sorry if I appear to have backtracked on my decision, but this really is last chance saloon
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Default Aug 20, 2020 at 06:04 PM
  #56
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Originally Posted by poshgirl View Post
Not wishing to sound dramatic, but here's the next episode of this ongoing saga.

Very interesting phone conversation with my aunt last night. She was the person who instigated calls from sister-in-law and brother to my mother last week. Not happy to be called a traitor for saying he needed to phone her. Admitted she was upset by mother's attitude but now understood how I felt.

Also learned what had happened during frank discussion between aunt and mother last week. Apparently, she pointed out to my mother that the only people doing anything were her and me. She said that he was doing absolutely nothing. My aunt added that mother got very defensive when hearing this truth.

When I said that I was going to hand everything over to him, she asked me not to. Her view was the situation would not change and she would be left to pick this up. My aunt's understanding of the meeting was it would be to discuss what my mother needed in terms of help. She was not surprised by the outcome but disappointed by his attitude. There was mutual agreement that mother's problems and attitude weren't just because of her health issues.

Thursday is my birthday and the arrangements made are still going ahead. Still feel it would be better to spend it on my own. Expecting day to be hijacked by mother and her issues. Sorry if I appear to have backtracked on my decision, but this really is last chance saloon
Happy birthday 🎂. I'm sorry that you were treated this way. I would get a lawyer and ask what are your rights in protecting yourself against your brother and sister in law. Then let the law protect you from the abuse. Ok would have called the cops and report your sister in law to social services.
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Default Aug 20, 2020 at 07:11 PM
  #57
Happy birthday poshgirl hope everything worked out for you today.
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Default Aug 21, 2020 at 04:38 AM
  #58
Buffy01 and Open Eyes, thanks for your good wishes.

The day wasn't as bad as expected apart from unforeseen issues. My aunt found her neighbour collapsed on Tuesday, sadly lady has since passed away. She cheered up as the day progressed and arrived sooner than expected. My mother couldn't resist having a go at her later, then tried to engage me on the subject before I came home.

It took mother almost ten minutes to wish me happy birthday. Had nice cards and presents (money). Even one from brother and sister-in-law, although he never acknowledged my thank-you text.

Had to take mother's blood pressure yesterday as doc wants two weeks of readings. Did my own, which was surprisingly good considering. However, pulse was very high. My aunt considered I was anxious, mother just sat there and said nothing. Think aunt is right as every time I think about situation, my pulse does increase.

Then neighbour phones earlier to tell me she had a car accident yesterday. Staying at her friend's house because she has whiplash.
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Default Nov 23, 2020 at 04:55 PM
  #59
Well, this topic has reared its head again!

Via Mother, have now received invite to Christmas lunch at brother and sis-in-law's house. Apparently sis-in-law said "this isn't an apology or reconciliation, but just an invite for lunch".

So, with lockdowns/social distancing/bubbles etc, she now thinks it's a decent thing to do to invite an 85 year old with health problems and me to their house. The UK government aren't publishing details of what latest restrictions will mean for each area until Thursday.

Main issue in this thread is there's never been an apology from sis-in-law and there will never be one whilst she adopts this arrogant attitude. Even thinking about my Mother and that's where the emotional blackmail will be, I'm finding it difficult to contemplate sitting at a table with someone who thinks she's done no wrong and to openly say she's not apologising. Much as I'd like to see my niece, it's not sitting well with me. How do I know that if I say something sis-in-law doesn't like that she won't lash out at me again
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Default Dec 05, 2020 at 12:44 PM
  #60
Do what you think is best, what is best isnt always good for the other person, and other times its not good for you. I think in your case, you should say something, when dealing with this behaviour.
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