My sister-in-law lashed out at me

At a family gathering last Sunday, she had too much to drink. This happens frequently, both her and my brother, "due to stress".

Bit of background here. I'm currently unemployed so have been taking elderly mother to medical appointments, shopping, doing jobs around house, etc. My brother is her favourite because he doesn't answer back when she says something unacceptable.

Anyway, it's just been assumed by family members that I'm now saying I can't cope. Never said that! I'm just mentally tired because of other pressures such as trying to find a job, keep roof over my head, etc.

The problem started when sister-in-law asked me if I wanted some cake to take home, I just said no thanks. That's when she blew and ordered me into another room. I went back into kitchen to get my bag, when she raised her hand. If it hadn't been for other family members restraining her, she would have hit me. I took refuge in my car. Few minutes later, my brother came outside and launched a tirade at me, culminating in telling me to **** off. Apparently, she also lashed out at my elderly mother. All this upset my 14 year old niece, which upset me too. I'm now texting her to check that she's okay.

After a lengthy conversation with other family members, I was allowed to put my point of view. Not looking for any plaudits here but they eventually accepted my point of view.

Too say I'm shaken to the core is an understatement. I'm in no fit state to talk about this incident yet. Not exactly physically shaking but can feel emotional and agitated very easily. My mother's response has moved between you've always been like this (critical of others), not getting involved and pointedly repeating brother's comment that what goes on in his house is nothing to do with anyone else.

Brother rarely picks up the phone to me, leaving it to sister-in-law instead. He says he'll do jobs for my mother, but forgets and finally does them months later. She's been upset by this attitude, but never tells him. Instead she moans at me and her neighbour, who's asked me to have a word. My response was "no way".

If I apologise then its condoning sister-in-law and brother's unacceptable behaviour. My ex and a good male friend advised me years ago to walk away, as they both had with their families. Suppose it's being female, I felt guilty about even considering it. Now I wish I had!

Do you need to interact with your brother and his wife?

Have you thought about filing a restraining order against your sister in law and pressing charges?

Thanks for both replies. It was my birthday on Tuesday, had card and present from them via my aunt. No phone call or text message. Wasn't expecting it anyway.

Unfortunately, I do need to interact with him because of my mother's ongoing health problems. He's already suggesting a meeting to discuss those issues. That message came via my mother. I said I wasn't ready. I've lived in fear for ages now of him insisting that I move in with her.

May be difficult to get restraining order as she didn't actually hit me. After brother banged my car door twice, I've checked out any damage with garage as it's leased. Would have delighted in sending him the bill!

What really concerns me is that he's now saying that what goes on in their house is nothing to do with anyone else. In a way he's right, but that's no excuse for behaving as they do in front of their 14 year old daughter. Luckily, she's got more decency and integrity than her parents.

Now wondering if he'll tell our mother to f*** off when he finds out that she also said sister-in-law was drunk.

Also forgot to mention her constant criticism of me. Has her own agenda about my holidays, clothes, opinions. Been called a snob many times because I have standards. I could go on...….

Just wanted to give you an update.

Spent weekend with mother. Talked about the situation. Again she repeated brother's comment about what goes on in his house, etc. I told her my view and she agreed with me. So she now agrees with both of us, very diplomatic!

What I didn't mention in original post is both brother and sis-in-law have health issues. He's in remission from bladder cancer and has hereditary high blood pressure. She comes from a family with various health issues, mainly diabetes. Also a heart problem (has a stent) and on thyroid medication.

According to my mother, there's going to be some developments as a result of the incident. I now feel more confident that there will be an apology, then I'm not holding my breath!

Then I'll deal with the assumptions made about me by family members and the derogatory comments. Decided not to tell mother or aunt the unacceptable ones made about them by sis-in-law. Believe she would only deny it.

Well, a month has now passed and there's been no apology. Brother has changed jobs so mother has passed on his new mobile number. Said I wasn't going to be immature and refuse it, in case I needed to contact him urgently about our mother's health issues.

Sister-in-law's birthday in three weeks. Would love to find a card that states exactly how I feel about her behaviour, instead of the hypocritical ones in the shops. Maybe I should buy a blank one and write in just how I feel.

You have reason to be upset, but I would counsel against sharing how you feel in a birthday card.

An update.

I did send a simple birthday card, acknowledging she's my sister-in-law but no slushy hypocritical verse or comments about her unacceptable behaviour. I mailed it so there wasn't the usual monetary gift inside. This morning, got a text thanking me for the card.

It's a small step forward. There's still been no apology. The next hurdle is Christmas. Mother and I usually stay there for a couple of days. Given what's happened, I'd rather spend it alone. I will be safer, can do what I like without being criticised.

Now having more rational thoughts about this situation. It's Domestic Abuse Awareness Week in the UK from October 20, so let's see if that resonates with them. Have concluded brother is a dinosaur in so many ways, not just how he's handled this.

That a great idea! I never thought about that!

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! Have you thought about suing for damages and calling social services on them?

I wonder if they are just using that as an except about their health problem as an excuse for their bad behavior? I would like to give you a hug. I understand how much it can hurt.

I'm sorry that you didn't get an apology! I'm sorry that everyone is hurting you! They could stop you from seeing your niece. I would still report thwm. Or you don't have to send a card and when ask explain you don't like how she treat you. She sounds very jealous of you and controlling of your brother.

That is great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

I wouldn't go around them during the holiday. I would still call the police and social services for abuse

Before an update at the three month mark, thanks to everyone who has offered advice.

Two days ago, Mother started dropping hints. Today, after shopping, it came up again. When I said it was disgraceful I hadn't received an apology, she commented I wasn't considering her position and health. She assumed (correctly) that I wouldn't want to be at her house this weekend when they visit. Obvious from the conversation she still agrees with brother's comments about what he does in his house. My next question was have you spoken to him about this? No. It's obvious she hasn't told him that behaviour is unacceptable. I also had to explain why I wished sis-in-law had actually hit me. Astonishingly, my mother brushed it off by saying "well it's only happened once". My answer "and that's what thousands of abuse victims have thought/said".

Apparently, family members have commented favourably about the way I look after my mother. Sis-in-law has also said she's pleased I'm staying in touch with my niece. So why can't she apologise for the totally unacceptable behaviour? Next staggering comment from Mother was so you're not going to consider my position in all this. When I suggested that her stance was condoning domestic violence/abuse, she said she'd never do that. Then we hit a brick wall (metaphorically speaking!). She was getting upset so I refused to discuss it further. None of my comments have made any difference.

Sorry for error in earlier post. Internet mistake for date of UK Domestic Abuse Awareness Week.

It is a tough situation because you love your mother and want to honor her wishes but I think you should stand firm on not being there when your brother and sister-in-law are there. Mothers want there kids to get along but when they are adults, we just can't fix it anymore. I wasn't even able to fix it when they were little kids--fights have to run their course. If you cave you are allowing them to continue to act badly. You don't need this. It is uncomfortable when we stand up for ourselves but in the long run it makes us feel great. It is taking our power back. As my sister likes to say, "Girl power!!"

You are right about domestic violence victim. I lost a coworker to domestic violence and I wish I had spoke up. I wish I was there to save her life.

I've just had a very bizarre phone conversation with my mother. It ranged from her shouting at me and crying, interspersed with the emotional stuff of not considering her feelings in this situation.

After my brother and sis-in-law's visit yesterday, she wants me to make the first move in trying to resolve this issue "for her sake". When I pointed out it was morally wrong what she was suggesting, she told me how selfish and self-centred I am. Not the first time this has happened, when I don't agree with her.

Am I wrong in considering this is emotional blackmail? She told me that my brother had said he would apologise for telling me to f*** off. It didn't seem to matter that he hadn't. When I reminded her that my sis-in-law still needed to apologise, she reverted to the comment about not considering her. She just couldn't see anything wrong with what she was saying.

Also now called me a liar when I reminded her it wasn't the first time she'd said I was only interested in myself. Just over ten years ago, I arranged a twixtmas holiday. At first she was pleased then her attitude changed and I had the name calling. Some months later, I found out that my aunt had put her up to it. Having told her what I discovered, she's now going to find out who it was. There's no chance as I won't reveal my source, so I'll have to remain a liar.

Sorry, just wanted to get this off my chest. Totally fed up with being used as a punchbag, when my aunt has bossed her around and now this issue. Her recollection of the event is also skewed. In the end, I told her she should go ahead and make her own arrangements for Christmas. I just don't know what to do anymore....

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I do understand because my sister is doing the same thing to me. Have you thought about going no contact and filing a restraining order against your sister in law? Explaining that your mom can no longer treat you this way because of what happened. Should you need to be I'm contact start recording every thing that took place. Call the cops every time your sister in law is nearby make start question her reality.