Having a second kid/sharing household responsibilities

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted in a while, but I just needed to get some thoughts from others about my relationship with my husband. We both have mental health issues, but function pretty well with our medication. We have one kid(3.5). I want to have another kid and my husband is nervous about it being more than we can handle, and I do understand his concern. However, he agreed to start trying last summer, I have fertility issues and went straight to a doctor. We ended up getting pregnant right away and I miscarried, and we started trying again in feb. he has gone along with it even though he is concerned but it has been hard. I do have second thoughts about it as well, but I am almost certain I want another and I really don’t want the age gap any larger than it already will be, and I don’t want to wait longer because I have fertility issues. He would be ok with just one kid, but he says he would be fine trying for a second one eventually but won’t provide a time frame.

I am just upset because he is always complaining about how he does so much and I don’t appreciate him, when in realty it is me doing all of the cooking and shopping, 90 percent of housework, keeping track of things, and definitely more than half the child care unless you count him staying home with her more when she’s sick. He is a realtor and has more flexibility. I make most of the money and have for some time. His business is just starting to become profitable after two years of losing money. His reality is so different from mine and I get so angry that he thinks he does so much and he does not. I do appreciate what he does do but I am just flabbergasted that he thinks we contribute relatively equally when it couldn’t be further from the truth. The one thing he does more or than me is daycare drop off and pickup but I can’t think of anything else he actually contributes more to. He is supposed to mow the lawn but I have to babysit him and ask him to do it and then he gets annoyed that I micromanage him. It grew so long I ended up just paying someone to do it. Lawn mowing is like the only chore that is supposed to be his and he doesn’t do it.

I am nervous about having a second kid because of our mental health and how he just doesn’t seem to be able to handle stress well at all. I’m not great at it but definitely better. We are having a hard time even trying for a second kid because we are often tired and when my fertility issues we really need to try on certain days when I get a positive ovulation kit, and that’s hard for him. He gets angry and resentful that we have to have sex at specific times. I mean I get that he’s tried, but I become upset and frustrated at how hard it is to arrange us trying when we are supposed to. We should have last night and didn’t but that’s mostly because he was having too many second thoughts.

I am sure this all sounds kind of silly, and I know how typical it is for women to be doing more housework and being upset about it. I am fine with doing more than him but I would at least like him do some and not complain about how he does so much when he doesn’t. At least we are able to afford biweekly house cleaning now which helps a lot.

Do you guys have any thoughts or have you ever experienced something similar?

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who you are, believe them. Personally I can't imagine bringing a second child into your situation. It doesn't seem like he'd be any more helpful with a new baby around. There will be a lot more work to do and you'll probably end up doing 90% of it yourself.

Since he’s not all on board for a second child 100% then I think you really need to take a step back and look at the overall situation.

If he’s already not helping with daily chores it’s doubtful he will want to deal with another child to raise and more mess to clean up.

I know this put you in a tough situation. You want, him not all the way in.

Is couples counseling something he might agree too ?? The unbalanced household chore issues really needs ironed out, things like that just cause more and more resentment as time moves along.

Do you have a Therapist of your own to help you process things with? If not I’d definitely advise you find one.

I wish you luck

Thanks for the replies. I knew when I married him he didn’t do a ton of housework but it didn’t bother me that much until he was unemployed and did basically nothing around the house. That was when I became incredibly resentful. It has actually been getting a little bit better recently. I understand that you shouldn’t have a child unless both are 100 percent on board with it, but I feel like I will spend my life regretting not having a second child. I feel like I could make myself be happy with 1 if I tried hard enough but I’m just not sure how much the regret would be.

He is willing to do couples counseling but we just haven’t gotten around to it. I used to have a therapist, but moved and no longer do. I just have a psychiatrist.

I just wish life didn’t have to be so hard. I know so many people have it way harder than us but I still feel that way.

These are things that will not get better with a new baby. I understand your desire to have another child but think about it for a sec... if he never changes are you prepared to do everything you are already doing and raise a second child? Because he may never change. Do you want that for yourself? Do you want to feel resentful? Because that is what you are signing up for....

This is a reason I won't get married. My brother is this way. IMHO he tricked a great girl into marrying him, getting pregnant, and now he is unemployed and lives a great old life. She supports them both and does all the errands. She is a single mom with two children... him being one of them. He has absolutely no embarrassment about this and I should have known as because before he did this with her.. he lived with his mom taking care of him this way.

My brother will often make his "slave" as I call her.. feel bad about ever complaining. He often will just stall and stall and stall on any chores he is supposed to do until he up and says.. nope, doesn't need to be done. I often get calls from him at 10 am just after he got up.

I think women have very little reason to marry these days except for assistance. So if a husband is not going to offer assistance, what is the point of them. If I were you I would not have anymore children and would look at get out of the relationship. Let someone else support him. I just hope my SIL doesn't do that because without a wife he probably will show up on my couch.

Yes, I agree with what ALL the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely and wonderfully said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! I don't think a second child is the best idea right now. In my opinion BOTH parents have to be 100% on the same page when it comes to children. It's a Human Life we're talking about... you have to be 100% COMMITED to taking care of Him/Her and it seems like your husband isn't even willing to do the work necessary for raising ONE child, let alone two! I understand your strong desire but please DO think of the consequences. You want to have the BEST LIFE possible for ALL of You after all, right? Either way, definitely consider Couple Counselling as it has already been WONDERFULLY suggested by ~Christina! I hope that will help. Please be kind to yourself and stand up for yourself when you feel like you're being treated unfairly, ok? You deserve a BETTER LIFE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @BlueMerleGirl, Your Husband, Your Children, Your Family, Your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME. I'm sure ALL the others here will gladly help you out as well! Keep fighting and keep rocking as much as you possibly can like you're already WONDERFULLY doing ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF!