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openminded352
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 04:02 PM
  #1
Hello all, I'm new here... 31-year-old.

Nine months ago I entered into a relationship with a girl who seemed to have everything together... smart, funny, beautiful... and different personality type than mine. I learned she had been sick for quite some time... battling constant fatigue to where she could not work (by her opinion)... She is also a mother to a 4 year old. She lives at home with parents, doesn't work, and also does not have a car.

Getting into the relationship, I figured... okay, this girl is just having some hard time in her life... I want to give her the love and support someone needs during those times.

Well... this is when a lot of red flags started popping up. She was "sick" - but yet, she was not proactively doing anything to figure out any kind of diagnoses. She would just stay around the house... snacking, giving her son attention, and pretty much watching podcast or using social media.

I attempted to encourage her to get some help, I took her to doctors after doing some research on what her illness could possibly be... but she only followed up when I really got on her.

It seemed like she had no motivation to really get better.

Also, this was a girl who didn't have any girl friends... she only spoke to guys, and these guys happened to be the ones who she previously had flings with for the past few years. Before she met me, she said she had what she calls a "hoe phase" ... I told her keeping in constant contact with these guys during our relationship made me uncomfortable. She told me she would cut off contact, especially with the ones who were trying to encourage her to cheat... or who were still trying to get with her.

Time goes on... a few months in, and her baby's father is over visiting their son. She tells me that he tried to kiss her... and she pushed him away.

Well... months later... this week... I find out there's a bunch of lies... she pretty much lied about everything. She kept in contact with the guys who she previously had flings with... One of them actually came to me to let me know how her actions were... sending me screen shots and such. Their conversations were emotionally cheating on me pretty much... no doubt about it. Sexual comments and jokes... flirtiness..

Also, come to find out... she did kiss her baby father and lied to me about it - as well as hook up with another fling and lied as well during a "week break" when we were trying too figure things out.

All in all...I feel like it was lie after lie after lie... and I went against my gut feeling about her, because I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She always managed to twist things to make herself the victim... such as, when I would ask her to go out with me... do things... she always claimed she was too sick, and I was being selfish.

I started Therapy a month ago to "fix myself" thinking I was the cause of my anxiety and everything was in my head... and turns out... my intuition was all correct.

Once I found out about the lies, I confronted her on the phone to where she confirmed everything. She gave the excuse of she didn't tell me because she was afraid of how I would react. Her excuse was always due to the baby's father blowing up violently on her during arguments.. and in ours, I never raised my voice to her.

It's over now. I know I don't want her. I realize she manipulated a lot of things and it was all about her.

I'm having trouble with my mindset though... my appetite has been next to nothing for three days now; trouble sleeping, and my mind keeps wanting to bounce through memories of the relationship as well as picture her cheating on me...

I know it takes time to heal, to eventually forgive to be able to move on... my fear is that the way my mind thinks - I feel I'll keep obsessing about the issue, rather than letting it go.

Dealing with the "void" and the fact that I put so much of my life aside to help her with her life and her son... it just eats at me inside.

I work odd hours, Noon to 9pm... so getting out at night for events to where I can socialize with people is rough...

So my question for you guys is... what has been your trick to overcoming toxic relationships... What were your remedies to easing the thought process, and switching up your mental mindset from negative to positive thinking? Did you do any activities by yourself? I'm open to any and all suggestions...
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 09:57 PM
  #2
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Originally Posted by openminded352 View Post
Hello all, I'm new here... 31-year-old.

Nine months ago I entered into a relationship with a girl who seemed to have everything together... smart, funny, beautiful... and different personality type than mine. I learned she had been sick for quite some time... battling constant fatigue to where she could not work (by her opinion)... She is also a mother to a 4 year old. She lives at home with parents, doesn't work, and also does not have a car.

Getting into the relationship, I figured... okay, this girl is just having some hard time in her life... I want to give her the love and support someone needs during those times.

Well... this is when a lot of red flags started popping up. She was "sick" - but yet, she was not proactively doing anything to figure out any kind of diagnoses. She would just stay around the house... snacking, giving her son attention, and pretty much watching podcast or using social media.

I attempted to encourage her to get some help, I took her to doctors after doing some research on what her illness could possibly be... but she only followed up when I really got on her.

It seemed like she had no motivation to really get better.

Also, this was a girl who didn't have any girl friends... she only spoke to guys, and these guys happened to be the ones who she previously had flings with for the past few years. Before she met me, she said she had what she calls a "hoe phase" ... I told her keeping in constant contact with these guys during our relationship made me uncomfortable. She told me she would cut off contact, especially with the ones who were trying to encourage her to cheat... or who were still trying to get with her.

Time goes on... a few months in, and her baby's father is over visiting their son. She tells me that he tried to kiss her... and she pushed him away.

Well... months later... this week... I find out there's a bunch of lies... she pretty much lied about everything. She kept in contact with the guys who she previously had flings with... One of them actually came to me to let me know how her actions were... sending me screen shots and such. Their conversations were emotionally cheating on me pretty much... no doubt about it. Sexual comments and jokes... flirtiness..

Also, come to find out... she did kiss her baby father and lied to me about it - as well as hook up with another fling and lied as well during a "week break" when we were trying too figure things out.

All in all...I feel like it was lie after lie after lie... and I went against my gut feeling about her, because I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She always managed to twist things to make herself the victim... such as, when I would ask her to go out with me... do things... she always claimed she was too sick, and I was being selfish.

I started Therapy a month ago to "fix myself" thinking I was the cause of my anxiety and everything was in my head... and turns out... my intuition was all correct.

Once I found out about the lies, I confronted her on the phone to where she confirmed everything. She gave the excuse of she didn't tell me because she was afraid of how I would react. Her excuse was always due to the baby's father blowing up violently on her during arguments.. and in ours, I never raised my voice to her.

It's over now. I know I don't want her. I realize she manipulated a lot of things and it was all about her.

I'm having trouble with my mindset though... my appetite has been next to nothing for three days now; trouble sleeping, and my mind keeps wanting to bounce through memories of the relationship as well as picture her cheating on me...

I know it takes time to heal, to eventually forgive to be able to move on... my fear is that the way my mind thinks - I feel I'll keep obsessing about the issue, rather than letting it go.

Dealing with the "void" and the fact that I put so much of my life aside to help her with her life and her son... it just eats at me inside.

I work odd hours, Noon to 9pm... so getting out at night for events to where I can socialize with people is rough...

So my question for you guys is... what has been your trick to overcoming toxic relationships... What were your remedies to easing the thought process, and switching up your mental mindset from negative to positive thinking? Did you do any activities by yourself? I'm open to any and all suggestions...
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! You had to go through this! Have you thought about looking at Lisa A Romano toxic people on YouTube? Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away!
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 11:38 PM
  #3
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I recently got out of a toxic relationship as well and while I have my suspicions that she cheated on me, they were never confirmed. All I know is that she did a similar thing with flirting and sexual jokes to a lot of other guys who only talked to her for one reason. There was an instance where she slept in a bed with another guy and she was practically naked and that day I ended up stealing the guys cigarettes and alcohol and got so drunk that when I came back to her that night I had to go to the hospital because I drank so much. That was right before I went to the psychiatric ward for attempted suicide. That was in February and I only just broke up with her like three weeks ago.

I know how you feel, at least partially. I still feel ashamed of myself for some reason like it's my fault she acted that way somehow even though I know it's not. I get a panic attack every time I see her or her friends on the street. I have that thing where you can see her with another guy especially because her social media has been filled with sexual comments back and forth with dudes. It's so painful.

There are times where I just need to go for a walk and cry by myself. For the most part though I try to surround myself with friends and positive people in my life. I love to read and write stories so I spend a large amount of time doing that or studying English college lectures on youtube. I also play guitar and the sheer passion for these things gets me through each day. Positive music is key to uplifting yourself! Take those joyous victories everywhere you can! Alcohol will only make everything so much worse.

I also recently deleted all the pictures I have of her on my phone but I haven't gotten to my computer. I took all the things she gave me and put them in a bag and in a container so I can't see it all. I unfollowed her on facebook so I can't see her posts or those other guys' comments anymore. I'm just trying to focus on what I'm doing. I often get consumed with the thoughts and memories, but when I notice that happening I just remind myself to take a step back, stop thinking about what she's doing because it doesn't matter anymore, and focus wholeheartedly on what I'm doing, the goals I have in my life, and taking steps to accomplish what I can for myself.
My heart really goes out to you, man, and I hope this helps even if just a little bit.
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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 05:17 AM
  #4
Have you completely cut off all contact with her?

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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 05:07 PM
  #5
Hi openminded, welcome to PC. Coming across a person who doesn't have the kind of honesty and values you have can be very upsetting, upsetting because you happen to be a nice guy. The reason you continue to think about this experience is because you need to actually learn from it so you don't put yourself in this position again. You are like the kind hearted woman that went for a walk in the freezing cold and came across a frozen snake and felt sorry for it and brought it into her home to save it. Unfortunately the snake came back to life and bit her and it happened to be a poisenous snake. Honestly, some broken people can be very toxic and they just use you and because you are not like that you will get hurt. In all honesty, toxic people actually seek out people like you too because they know they can trick and take advantage of you.

We are designed to feel hurt so we learn from it and don't end up doing the same thing that ends up leaving us hurt. There are definitely life lessons that can be very painful.
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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 09:53 PM
  #6
I appreciate all your responses! I have cut contact with her - such as blocking on social media at least. Deleted all photos, got rid of her belongings... deleted out of my phone and any traces of her as well.

It’s slowly getting easier day by day, the thoughts are there in the quiet times... such as going to bed, or waking up... I have trouble sleeping lately, which I know is normal due to stress and the fight or flight response.

I do expect her to eventually reach out - as she attempts to keep all her ex’s in her life... seems to be her thing. I know this time, with all the concrete facts of cheating and lies, I’ll be able to delete her text and ignore her calls without responding or picking up.

I do worry this has affected me; I don’t want this to prevent me from falling in love again with a better person. It’s like I know there are BETTER people out there... but now I have to convince my heart to know that as well. Dealing with insecurities and trust issues all my life, I don’t want this piling on.

I’m finding myself again, and learning to be comfortable as I was before I met her... single guy; a homeowner.. successful in career.

Next week I plan to start waking early to hit the gym at least once a week... as well as go out after work and force myself to socialize - even if it’s just saying hello to people and introducing myself.
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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 10:15 PM
  #7
Hun, it's only been a couple of days so give it some time. Know you did the right thing by completely walking away and moving on with your life. Yes, sometimes we come across people in our lives that genuinely rattle us leaving us feeling out of sorts. You are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself with working out and appreciating what you have accomplished for yourself. Give your mind time to readjust, and you will where you can get back to looking forward and onward better.
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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 03:51 AM
  #8
I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. You deserve better and she shouldn't have done that to you, or to anyone else. Can I just say, I'm proud that you got yourself to cut contact from her. Some people who are going through heartbreak have a hard time doing that despite the hurt, and I think you doing that is a sign that you can power through the pain and eventually move on. I agree with Open Eyes, the wound is new, and you don't have to rush. Give yourself some time and focus on more productive things. But at the same time, don't push yourself too hard. I wish you all the best!
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