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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 04:10 PM
  #1
Since there is someone in my family that has been holding a grudge against me for 2 years and counting, it got me thinking. Why do people do this? It solves no issues, only ruins relationships. I have a sister in law (I've written about my troubles with her in previous posts) who does this. She held a grudge against my husband for 7 years because she did not like one thing he said. I believe they had a discussion about politics and disagreed on something and boom, she refused to speak to him for 7 years. She did not come to our wedding, she ignored my children, she would not even stand in the same room as us at a family function. now she's holding a 2 year (and counting) grudge against me because she accused me of something and I defended myself. This woman pours compliments on herself on social media because she owns a small business and thinks she's some kind of God for doing so. Her husband (my brother in law) glows on social media about her calling her things like "Visionary", "savior", "game changer". She calls herself "Godly" and speaks of her Christian values like she's a saint. But then she turns around and treats people like used garbage by refusing to speak to them. Well, you can't have it both ways. And to me her actions don't equal her words. Relations with her have been odd from day one really. She is of a different race, but I'd like to think that that has nothing to do with this. I just find it so hard to understand how someone could live their life as a blatant hypocrite and not even bat an eye at it.
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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 04:54 PM
  #2
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Originally Posted by lovethesun View Post
Well, you can't have it both ways. I just find it so hard to understand how someone could live their life as a blatant hypocrite and not even bat an eye at it.
Sure you can. It's called "delusion of grandeur." Anyone or anything who does not conform to this delusion is either painted as a villain or discarded entirely. So you see, she isn't behaving poorly in her own eyes; she's responding with appropriate assertiveness to someone she sees as a villain.

These types of people are often extremely sensitive, such that they can't handle anything which contradicts their worldview. I often respond to them by contradicting their worldview at every opportunity because it amuses me.
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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 05:21 PM
  #3
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Sure you can. It's called "delusion of grandeur." Anyone or anything who does not conform to this delusion is either painted as a villain or discarded entirely. So you see, she isn't behaving poorly in her own eyes; she's responding with appropriate assertiveness to someone she sees as a villain.

These types of people are often extremely sensitive, such that they can't handle anything which contradicts their worldview. I often respond to them by contradicting their worldview at every opportunity because it amuses me.
Thank you so much theoretical! That helps me understand. And I love the way you respond to them. Good for you. And bravo for not allowing yourself to be controlled by them. My brother in law is nothing but a spineless puppet around this woman.
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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 05:38 PM
  #4
This woman sounds like she is a narcissist and her husband doesn't help in how he worships her. No one is superior the way she seems to need to see herself. You are better off keeping a distance from her too. She did you a favor by distancing from you and your husband. A god she is not, it's so dangerous to describe one's self as godly or having special powers.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 03:57 AM
  #5
Some people for whatever reason almost like holding grudges. It gives them purpose. Its almost like they wouldnt know what to do with themselves if they didnt have resentment and grudges. Some people like playing the Martyr, like they want others to see how horrible it is for them and how hard they have it, even when its because of their own doing that things are bad. Try to keep your distance and do not take her bait.

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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 04:05 AM
  #6
I agree with all the other wise, wonderful posters. Keep your distance. That's what she wants after all, right? I'm so sorry you have to put up with such nonsese. The best thing to do is to just let them be. They have no business being in your Life in my opinion. Keep focusing on yourself and your Family. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @lovethesun, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones!
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 06:16 AM
  #7
@lovethesun: given your history of having an existing contentious relationship with your SIL, why does her ignorance and grudge holding even emotionally bother you? Why does it surprise you? Just ignore her. Don't let her social media declarations of godliness annoy you as much as entertain you.

Like the others here said, people hold grudges for many different reasons: narcissism, delusions of grandeur, religious reasons, boredom, the need to dominate others. People who hold grudges against someone do it, because they have an unmet need that the grudge fulfills.

Maybe your SIL is really anxious, angry, depressed or sad about her relationships, her business, or her life overall. Or maybe she's just a mean person and excessive grudge holding is akin to an Olympic sport to her. She thrives on it. Who knows.

Just ignore her. For your own well-being.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 07:25 AM
  #8
@lovethesun: know it's no consolation to you but I have the same problem with my family.

Mother is very capable of dredging up things I've done and said to excuse her behaviour. Now have sister-in-law who takes arrogance to a whole new level (see "my sister in law lashed out at me").

I wish I knew why they behave that way. Perhaps it's some kind of insecurity or tunnel vision. There's a story which sums it up well -

On the river bank a frog sees a scorpion

"please can you take me across to the other side" asks the scorpion

"how do I know you won't sting me?" the frog asks

"I won't, as you're helping me" the scorpion replies.

"Okay, jump on my back" the frog replies.

when the frog reaches the other side, the scorpion stings him. As the frog lies dying he asks

"why did you sting me when I've helped you"

"because it's in my nature!" replied the scorpion."
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 08:21 AM
  #9
I am the grudge holder in my family... want to know the secret... I hold grudges because it is more socially acceptable than admitting the truth... which is that I just don't like the person but know that i am stuck with them as they are family. It is a good way to keep them away from me and not admit the problem is more long term. There is a lot that goes on in our society today because people are not really allowed to not like other people.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 01:04 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
I am the grudge holder in my family... want to know the secret... I hold grudges because it is more socially acceptable than admitting the truth... which is that I just don't like the person but know that i am stuck with them as they are family. It is a good way to keep them away from me and not admit the problem is more long term. There is a lot that goes on in our society today because people are not really allowed to not like other people.
I appreciate your honesty about your situation. It's interesting to hear from someone on the other side of this and what goes through their mind to cause this behavior. I suppose if you've got someone in your family that you don't like but are stuck with, as you say, that that would be one way to not have to deal with them. Seems like it would be exhausting though. When someone is in your family you're going to have to see them from time to time. As for my grudge holding SIL.....I feel 100% that her grudge holding is because she is a controlling narcissist who can only accept you and like you if you submit to her at all times. In other words, you give up your rights as a free thinking human being and just tell her she's "right" all the time. My BIL is a human robot around her who only asks "how high?" whenever she says "jump". And that is no way for a human being to live.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 01:13 PM
  #11
I want to tell you all who took the time to provide insight...THANK YOU! And thanks for the little story about the scorpion and the frog, Poshgirl. The other side of this for me is that it is very painful to watch people who have to live with the grunge holder walk on egg shells all the time. They have no human rights when they are around the grunge holder. They know with one wrong move, they will feel the wrath. My husband and I refused to allow ourselves to be treated like that, which is probably why my SIL unleashed her grudges on us for multiple years. And my SIL honestly has no clue about they way she treated us, SHE THINKS SHE"S RIGHT! All I can say is what a tragedy to behave and think that way. And also what an exhausting life for my BIL to always have to make sure he's obeying the grunge holders orders. Oh well, that's not my problem.
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