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Anonymous45521
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 03:59 PM
  #1
I am really suffering greatly with regard to other people and I am just utterly lost.

On the one hand, I feel like I have zero friends. No one really wants to be my friend and no one seems to care about me in any significant way.

On the other hand, I feel like I have an endless stream of people that I HAVE to let into my life. That seem to want to be friends with me and can't take the hint. And the worst part, I am some how taken to task for not sucking it up and hanging with them.

One of the worst things is the term people I work with. I work with people who work with me for about 1 year. When they come in I am expected to welcome them and be nice and, of course, I do that because I have to work with them... but my boss never cares about my imput on the matter ahead of time. He just hires whomever no matter how toxic.

I have tried my best to be nice but to nicely let them know I am not interested in being their friends really and they just don't get the hint and get offended when I make it clear I am not interested -- for real. One reason I am not interested is that it is a one way street. They come to me for help and I get nothing for them.

This week one of these people came back to visit and I bumped into her awkwardly but, it didn't really bother me. I was nice to her when she worked with me but clear from the start that we weren't going to be buddies going forward. And again, this is my workplace, why is she there? But clearly she is offended by this and my boss actually said something like I was living dangerously ghosting people that still work in town. I let it go like a joke but I was furious. This particular girl was always a psycho and you made me work with her for a year. Ghosting is not being forced to work with someone and then when you are done working with them stopping talking to them. That is NORMAL.

Then the other one came down to talk for about an hour... I do not understand why she feels she has the right to do this... and also, that we are friends. I have been very stand off ish from the start and often if I go up to visit I have an excuse to leave. What I talk about is often stupidity because I want the conversation to end...

So I can't figure out what I need to do here.

1. Be friendlier give in and allow people to use me. I have been operating under the idea that if I am stand offish that people won't use me.. but basically I seem to do as much work dealing with all of the repercussions of them trying to use me...and trying to keep them away - as if I just was nice and went along.

2. Be even less friendly. Be open and honest and tell them the frank and honest truth. If they come to my office to talk just get up and say "I have work to do" and shut the door. Sure they would probably hate me but, they only work with me for a year so...

Most of these people come down or want to be friends for toxic purposes... they want to complain about their co worker or my boss or the interns or whatever.

I am getting a new one this week and he will be the first man. It is my hope that things will be a little different but we will see.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 04:14 PM
  #2
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
On the one hand, I feel like I have zero friends. No one really wants to be my friend and no one seems to care about me in any significant way.

On the other hand, I feel like I have an endless stream of people that I HAVE to let into my life. That seem to want to be friends with me and can't take the hint. And the worst part, I am some how taken to task for not sucking it up and hanging with them.

I have been operating under the idea that if I am stand offish that people won't use me.. but basically I seem to do as much work dealing with all of the repercussions of them trying to use me...and trying to keep them away - as if I just was nice and went along.
You seem hung up on this idea that you're going to be used. Why? And does it really matter? What do you think the point of conversation is?
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 04:33 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
You seem hung up on this idea that you're going to be used. Why? And does it really matter? What do you think the point of conversation is?
It is difficult to explain but if you are saying that I just have to put up and waste my time with people who want to have a one way conversation and suck the life out of me and then get up and go... I reject that completely. Conversation is a two way street. There is no two way here.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 04:56 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
It is difficult to explain but if you are saying that I just have to put up and waste my time with people who want to have a one way conversation and suck the life out of me and then get up and go... I reject that completely. Conversation is a two way street. There is no two way here.
Okay, but it sounds like you're so afraid of being used that you won't allow any sort of traffic at all. How are you going to know if there will be reciprocation if you never allow a conversation to even begin?

People use each other all the time. That's just the nature of things.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
Okay, but it sounds like you're so afraid of being used that you won't allow any sort of traffic at all. How are you going to know if there will be reciprocation if you never allow a conversation to even begin?
No it is more like we have decent conversations and if I try to put any boundaries on it they get offended. I feel like I have every right to define my relationship with another person and especially if I am upfront about it they should respect my boundaries... but they don't.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
No it is more like we have decent conversations and if I try to put any boundaries on it they get offended. I feel like I have every right to define my relationship with another person and especially if I am upfront about it they should respect my boundaries... but they don't.
You said...

Quote:
I have been very stand off ish from the start and often if I go up to visit I have an excuse to leave. What I talk about is often stupidity because I want the conversation to end...
...which does not strike me as establishing healthy boundaries. Maybe you're not being as clear as you think you are.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
...which does not strike me as establishing healthy boundaries. Maybe you're not being as clear as you think you are.
I literally told one of them that once she left the building that would be it. I can't really help it if people don't believe me? And then get upset because they can't believe that anyone wouldn't want to be their BFF. It also amazes me because every time they wanted to go out after work or something I would decline. So where do they get off thinking that they have any right to be upset because I did what I said I was going to do?

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you're not
Three posts.. three attempts to blame the victim. Maybe you should try something else, mmkkyyy?
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 08:11 PM
  #8
Theoretical asked you why you seem hung up on the idea of people using you. I know you commented on my post about people who hold grudges saying that you hold grudges in order to keep people you don't like away from you. It seems like maybe you have a trust issue with people. Perhaps it's something that makes you feel that the easiest thing to do is push people away? I don't know. I'm no expert.
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:35 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by lovethesun View Post
Theoretical asked you why you seem hung up on the idea of people using you. I know you commented on my post about people who hold grudges saying that you hold grudges in order to keep people you don't like away from you. It seems like maybe you have a trust issue with people. Perhaps it's something that makes you feel that the easiest thing to do is push people away? I don't know. I'm no expert.
I didn't say that. I said I use grudges as a tool with family I don't like because it isn't considered acceptable to not like them.

I can't really say why but the dynamic is such that with these term workers they are in a position to basically use me. They come in, don't know anything, need me as the person to help them with the job and to vent to (since my office isn't in their office proper) and then they leave and usually don't know what they are doing and will call to ask me questions. But, I get nothing from them and will never get anything from them because, they leave. I thought I explained that above.

With these workers yes, from the start I made it clear I want to push them away. What puzzles me is why they don't hear it and why everyone acts like I have no right to do that.
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Default Aug 27, 2019 at 01:50 PM
  #10
I have a similar issue. Most people I meet are not really people I can connect with BUT there is an endless line of people clearly trying to hangout or get to know me. Part of me thinks maybe I shun them away because I'm scared of being judged as boring or strange since I feel very much as an outsider most of the time.

I don't know how much you can relate to this but most other people seem so unrelatable and distant. Still I try to be courteous about it, maybe being frank about it and telling them you are very much an indoors person would get them to take some distance. At that point you are setting boundaries without making it a personal issue.
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