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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
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#21
OP, you need to have this as a rule to live by.
NO romantic relationships with people at work - EVER. No crush, no "finding someone attractive" - nothing of the sort. Park as far away from her usual parking area. Stop stopping directly outside to put on sunglasses or earbuds (looking like you are waiting for someone). Put it in your head that any romantic relationships have to come from contacts you make OUTSIDE of work. Never ever attempt to create a relationship with anyone at a company you work for. This is actually good advice for anyone who wants no problems in the workplace. |
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Buffy01
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Bill3, Buffy01, divine1966, seesaw
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#22
To those on this thread who view her behavior as tattling, running to mommy and daddy and vilifying men, what would you have recommended this woman do?
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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lightly toasted, lizardlady
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#23
Quote:
Ask crisscross directly what his deal is, and then inform him that his behavior is off-putting. Throw in a line about how one ought not date coworkers. If the "polite no" doesn't work, then we move on to the "firm no," and tell him to leave it alone. Or else... |
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Buffy01
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Buffy01
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#24
Many work places don’t recommend directly confronting coworkers about anything. Especially if it’s something that could make the person feel unsafe. It’s no matter if it’s men or women.
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Bill3, Chyialee, lizardlady, Molinit
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#25
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I digress. Look, if there's no evidence that a fellow coworker is being anything more than a bit creepy and awkward - standing outside for too long, putting on sunglasses, being socially inept when trying to chat - then I'm going to argue that handling the situation diplomatically by oneself is far safer for both parties than going to HR, especially if the guy has the potential to be dangerous. HR can't do anything if there's no real evidence of danger, and sicking corporate authority figures on him is far more likely to provoke anger or resentment than if this coworker had just talked to him herself. Also remember that HR works for the company, not you or your safety, and they're going to do what's in the company's best interest, not yours. This applies to both parties. If you ever need to go to HR over something which may become a legal dispute, record everything. Don't trust them to record it or to represent it accurately in Court. Now, maybe he's omitting some things and this coworker had good reason to think he was stalking her. If so, then my apologies to her and the HR girls. But I can only go by the details given. |
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Buffy01
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Buffy01
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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
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#26
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lizardlady
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#27
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Buffy01
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Buffy01
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Member Since Mar 2014
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#28
Nah, you're not a harrasser, but work on your issues first before you try to approach women. I mean, that's the most logical thing to do, right? I am not saying you can never approach women. But approach them in the right way. I'm not saying what you did was bad or even necessarily wrong given that you said you have anxiety issues and stuff. But you could join a meet up group in which people with similar intrests to yours meet in a group setting. Women are usually more comfortable, especially when meeting for the first time, in a group setting (this is generally true for me, too, being a man, because there's not as much pressure for me to "act like a man" whatever that means). So when I read that you tried talking to her in situations when you were both alone I figured that probably wasn't the best approach. But seriously, as others in this thread told you, think of it as something you can learn about yourself from. Also, having dealt with similar things before myself, I feel like approaching women from a place of confidence is very difficult, and perhaps it will never become easy for anyone. But, it's good to know the difference between what is outright creepy and what is okay, given norms these days. There is a difference.
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Buffy01
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Buffy01, lizardlady
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#29
It doesn’t matter what we think or feel how things need to be handled at a work place. If one needs to keep a job to pay bills, one has to follow work policies regardless how one feels about it. It doesn’t have to be HR, whoever is designated for that role in a particular company.
Yes HR protects company’s interests. It’s in company’s interests from a legal stand point and other stand points etc that employees don’t feel uncomfortable as it could cause all kind of troubles for the workplace. That’s why issues as such have to be addressed according to work place policies. HR addressed the issue by explaining that even though OP isn’t in trouble he should avoid certain behaviors. He is now aware and works with a therapist and focuses on his work task, which is applaudable. Again what we think about how things should be addressed is irrelevant. This isn’t social club where people get to decide how to do things. It’s a workplace (sounds like a professional work place) where people have to follow specific policies regardless how they or others out there feel about said policies Lastly, typically professional workplaces identify when you go to your boss, when you go to HR, when you email headquarters, when you call police etc etc so employees follow proper guidelines when addressing the issue. Doesn’t matter if it’s Becky the HR girl or Bob the Builder and how one feels about them |
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Bill3, lizardlady, Molinit, sarahsweets, seesaw
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Grand Member
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Location: Michigan
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#30
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So what if the company is protecting itself? In protecting itself, it's protecting its employees. |
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divine1966, lizardlady
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#31
Maybe this is the antisocial personality in me speaking, but it still shocks and confuses me how willing people are to put your trust in a system that's designed to subjugate you.
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Buffy01
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Buffy01
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#32
This is why I advocate NOT dating where you work. It is a recipe for trouble. Sorry this happened to you.
__________________ I go about my own business, and keep my mind on myself and my life. I expect the same courtesy from the rest of the world. |
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Buffy01
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Buffy01, divine1966, lizardlady, Molinit
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#33
@crisscross, how are you doing now?
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Bill3, Buffy01
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Bill3, Buffy01
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#34
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Wise Elder
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#35
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Wise Elder
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#36
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Wise Elder
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#37
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#38
Investigate? How would you investigate her? Who would he prove his innocence to? He wasn’t accused of anything, he was asked not to do certain things. How were his rights violated? Rights to do what? It’s not court room.
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Chyialee, lizardlady, Middlemarcher, Molinit
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#39
Update: So its been a few weeks. My job is going good. I havent seen or run into her since it happened thank god. My therapist seemed to air more on the side of that she overreacted which helped a bit but I still feel guilty sometimes. Im also having an issue where it took me a while to summon the confidence to talk to this girl and now that it blew up, I'm even less sure and cautious than I was before. 1 step forward, 5 steps back. I've also been struggling with self esteem more. I spent all yesterday afternoon feeling incredibly unattractive and like it would be impossible for a woman to find me desirable
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Bill3, Buffy01, divine1966, lizardlady, unaluna, WovenGalaxy
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Bill3, Buffy01
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#40
There is a woman for you out there.
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lizardlady
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