Crush at work leads to HR issue

One thing I thought I put but may not have made clear. Her and I park in the same parking garage and take similar ways in and out of work. I also sometimes see her at many department meetings. I admit I was overly fixated on her and certain things I do as part of my routine(stopping outside to put on sunglasses and my earbuds), could be misread and me spying on her. I explained this to HR. I also want to clarify that I 100% don't blame her for this. Honestly, all these signs I could very easily see myself interpreting the same way and being uncomfortable about it. At this point I blame myself for being overly fixated by her in a way that may have verged on predatory. Thank you all for the feedback. I can't express how much I needed it.

crisscross, it seems to me that the young woman is a wimp and didn't have the courage to say she wasn't interested and that you were making her uncomfortable. Instead, she ran to Mommy and Daddy (the boss or HR). In her defense, what the others said above is very much to blame, too. I'm sorry you have to deal with that as a man. You don't deserve this as men.

So you know, I'm a middle-aged woman.

Just so you know, women/females can be very uncomfortable being in places where they are alone like parking garages, elevators. parking lots, any place where they can suddenly be alone where they may be approached by someone. Waiting for a woman to be alone to speak to her can send her a concerning signal. Keep in mind most predators prefer to single out and get their targets alone. Any woman that has experienced something negative where she was singled out when she was alone will NEVER forget how that felt. (Something I have experience myself a few times actually when I was younger tbh).

While you have explained that you tend to be shy and feel uncomfortable due to believing you are not very good looking etc., you probably unknowingly find it a bit easier to approach others alone and quietly. You don't mean any harm, however, it's important to understand that predators tend to single people out and may even not approach a person in front of or around others but instead try to be around their target when their target is alone.

In all honesty, this has nothing to do with your looks either, yet, you decided to sit and think about what you FEEL keeps you from being accepted. Truth is, there have been plenty of people that were admired and appreciated that did not possess all of what is deemed to be "good looking". What comes to mind for me is Jimmy Darante, Danny Devito, the characters in The Big Bang Theory, Andy Rooney, and countless others that became character actors that people grew to enjoy in different stories and movies that had something endearing about them even though they were not the guy with all the looks. Instead, what people focus more on is how another person leaves them "feeling". That is what you are focusing on now that the HR talked to you, "how that makes you feel".

There is NO crime in seeing another person you find attractive that you would like to know better, or even date. It's more about how you behave that can make that other person feel uncomfortable and often it's when they notice you looking at them and only saying something when you see them alone too. It's also how that person may have experienced something in their own history that frightened them too where someone singled them out in some way leaving them "feeling" very frightened and vulnerable.

You are only in your mid twenties and just learning your way around the social work environement. My guess is this female coworker is around the same age and trying to figure out her own way of learning about the work environment for herself too. This means she needs to learn how to feel safe in a parking garage, in an elevator, and around other coworkers where she can gradually learn to feel more comfortable too. Most likely, her focus is not on finding some guy to date, but instead to learn how to feel safe just going to work and learning what that's all about.

When I mentioned my "instincts", I meant my instincts as to when I'm worried due to my anxiety disorder as opposed to the situation being something I should be worried about. Sorry if that was unclear. I also want to clarify that I 100% understand her going to HR and still feel that the blame is on me.

Too paranoid ? Obviously she felt unsafe, she went to HR, he was talked to. This is a pretty common situation for an HR dept to handle.

The OP has taken this and used it as a learning experience.

Some Women can easily become uncomfortable around Men especially in a parking garage setting. The end result was she did what she needed to do.

Not every woman is confident enough to tell someone to leave them alone or back off etc. that doesn’t mean she’s weak or paranoid.

Then she should park somewhere else. she is the uncomfortable one butthe Op has to avoid her. She can say where he puts on his glasses and he has to turn back from the canteens because she is there. She has too much power in this equation. I would not be surprised if she has history of this ehaviour. I agree with bird dancer and buffy points too

I may have posted about one who complained me because i wouldnot talk to her...

Too paranoid ? Obviously she felt unsafe, she went to HR, he was talked to. This is a pretty common situation for an HR dept to handle.

The OP has taken this and used it as a learning experience.

Some Women can easily become uncomfortable around Men especially in a parking garage setting. The end result was she did what she needed to do.

Not every woman is confident enough to tell someone to leave them alone or back off etc. that doesn’t mean she’s weak or paranoid.

Unless your a woman I don’t think you can understand what women go through at times with unwanted male attention.

I'm a woman in an industry where vulgarity is a part of the entertainment, and people in my profession have been stalked, beaten and murdered by unhappy patrons. I've personally gotten into verbal altercations with and had security called on weirdos who were harassing me and/or my coworkers. In such events, or if anyone simply feels uneasy, a security officer will escort us through the parking garage, every square inch of which is covered by surveillance cameras (take note, anyone who thinks it's a fun idea to have sex on casino property - you are being watched and laughed at by a group of our employees). Security is a huge issue, and we take it very seriously.

And honestly, I'm with LonelyMan on this one. OP hadn't done anything, and it isn't the job of men to constantly assuage the fears of women. How would he even be able to? This hyper-sensitivity is breeding resentment, and it's going to give menfolk the impression that us fair and delicate womenfolk simply cannot handle a workplace environment.

none of that applies to the OP. He was not in any way abusive to her

You evidently can, though, trust your assessment/worry as to when you are making people uncomfortable.

That's good to know! If you ever have that worry again, you know to listen to it and to take a step back.

I totally agree and worry about my anxiety getting picked up as something else by others whether it be anger or rudeness. So quick update. I went to work yesterday and aside from worries about running into her(didn’t happen, thank god) it was a normal day and it was actually better not having the want to see her hanging over my head. I also talked my friend what happened last night and agreed it was a misunderstanding. I will continue to use this as a learning experience. My only concern is I have my regular meeting with my boss and am sure it will come up

Then she should park somewhere else. she is the uncomfortable one butthe Op has to avoid her. She can say where he puts on his glasses and he has to turn back from the canteens because she is there. She has too much power in this equation. I would not be surprised if she has history of this ehaviour. I agree with bird dancer and buffy points too

I may have posted about one who complained me because i wouldnot talk to her...

Update: my boss didn’t bring it up at all which I thought was weird. I guess things are settled. I wake up every day feeling like a garbage person but today was better. Work is getting more stressful which sucks but is also good cause it distracts from my feelings of loneliness, isolation and being adrift. I’m not entirely sure where I go from here besides throwing myself completely into my work even if it’s not the most healthy choice