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Default Oct 07, 2019 at 01:22 PM
  #81
Absolutely. It is very easy to be wrongly accused
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Default Oct 07, 2019 at 04:59 PM
  #82
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Originally Posted by LonelyMan View Post
Absolutely. It is very easy to be wrongly accused
I completely agree!
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Default Oct 11, 2019 at 12:47 PM
  #83
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Anything else.

Ask crisscross directly what his deal is, and then inform him that his behavior is off-putting. Throw in a line about how one ought not date coworkers. If the "polite no" doesn't work, then we move on to the "firm no," and tell him to leave it alone.

Or else...
I agree! It sounds like a good idea to do!
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Default Oct 21, 2019 at 10:01 PM
  #84
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Originally Posted by crisscross712 View Post
I'm a software developer in my mid 20s. There is a girl I became interested in a couple months ago. Some context needed, I have serious anxiety and depression that I've been getting a handle on through therapy and medication since my nervous breakdown two years ago. Her and I come in and leave at similar times and park in the same garage in the city. In addition to those mental issues, I'm a short guy and (in my opinion) not particularly good looking so I have self esteem issues as well. I am as far as can be from confident. I've had no serious romantic relationships in my life. I finally got up the nerve to actually talk to her one day and have had a couple awkward interactions but was still trying to be hopeful. I've also seen her at meetings and things. In my last therapy appointment, I said I was overly fixating on it but I wasn't doing anything to follow her or manipulate things to get close to her. I got called into hr yesterday. She wasn't accusing me of anything but my prescence was being to make her uncomfortable. I wasn't in trouble but they made it clear that i should try to avoid her. I'm going to be doing this but this experience has been humilating and I feel guilty that I made her feel this way. I was worried I might be making her uncomfortable but I thought I was just being paranoid. Now I can't trust those instincts that my negative feelings are unfounded. Yesterday was the most unsafe I've felt in a long time and I still feel crappy. I suck socially in general(I explained this and they seemed to understand) so now I'm going to keep the personal seperate from the professional. I couldn't say anything to the colleagues I'm close to but they can tell something is up. Same with my friends and family. I didn't consciously do anything wrong but I feel rotten, dirty, ashamed of myself and like something in me is broken. Maybe I'm bad, like the harrasers you hear about being exposed on the news and who I always thought I was better than. Maybe I just deserve to be alone. HR made it clear that I wasn't in trouble but they told my boss and idk what his reaction will be. I've finally started to feel good about this job after a year and a half there and I can't bear to lose the one thing in my life I feel I'm good at.
First of all, as someone who's been there and done that, don't dip your pen in the company ink. Even when things develop into a relationship, the odds are not in your favor that they'll end happily ever after, nevermind end amicably.

You may have made her a little uncomfortable, but ultimately I think you're too hard on yourself. Assuming you head HR's advice, I think you can write this off as unintentional harm and hopefully you can try to work on this. Maybe talk to your therapist about working on social skills. Maybe try to work on them in general as opposed to strictly for dating purposes; attend a few Meetup groups to work on those skills.
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Default Oct 22, 2019 at 09:38 AM
  #85
That's excellent advice from @peacelizard. Truthfully, I'd say you are getting out of this thing about as unscathed as is possible. Had you guys actually begun dating, well then you are into a whole other level of potential career and personal disasters. I have a buddy who is one of the most senior managing directors at the biggest bank in the U.S. Great human, not a bad bone in his body. But he sort of accidentally hooked up with a junior employee he supervises on a business trip to Boston. Oops. He immediately knew he had messed up. They both agreed it could never happen again. She seems okay about it. The problem is, my pal is only one really bad day for that junior employee away from potentially having his fantastic career ended by HR, because of one somewhat drunken night. That's all it takes in today's climate.

Point is, you got off easy. Take it and learn from it. I agree you should try to work on socialization skills with your therapist and see where that takes you. And don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, it's what makes us human. All the best.

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Default Oct 24, 2019 at 05:37 PM
  #86
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Originally Posted by peacelizard View Post
First of all, as someone who's been there and done that, don't dip your pen in the company ink. Even when things develop into a relationship, the odds are not in your favor that they'll end happily ever after, nevermind end amicably.

You may have made her a little uncomfortable, but ultimately I think you're too hard on yourself. Assuming you head HR's advice, I think you can write this off as unintentional harm and hopefully you can try to work on this. Maybe talk to your therapist about working on social skills. Maybe try to work on them in general as opposed to strictly for dating purposes; attend a few Meetup groups to work on those skills.
That sounds like an awesome idea. I wish that I had thought about that myself
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Default Oct 24, 2019 at 05:38 PM
  #87
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That's excellent advice from @peacelizard. Truthfully, I'd say you are getting out of this thing about as unscathed as is possible. Had you guys actually begun dating, well then you are into a whole other level of potential career and personal disasters. I have a buddy who is one of the most senior managing directors at the biggest bank in the U.S. Great human, not a bad bone in his body. But he sort of accidentally hooked up with a junior employee he supervises on a business trip to Boston. Oops. He immediately knew he had messed up. They both agreed it could never happen again. She seems okay about it. The problem is, my pal is only one really bad day for that junior employee away from potentially having his fantastic career ended by HR, because of one somewhat drunken night. That's all it takes in today's climate.

Point is, you got off easy. Take it and learn from it. I agree you should try to work on socialization skills with your therapist and see where that takes you. And don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, it's what makes us human. All the best.
Great idea.
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