Today was a day of invaded boundaries!! And I'm exhausted!

So today I had to set boundaries with two very manipulative people -- and it's exhausted me.

Manipulative person #1: the human resources assistant who trained me on the front desk phones at my week long temp job.

Manipulative person #2: my current roommate whose guest room I'm renting with my graduate school spring refund money from July - Oct 1st.

Today's events

TEMP JOB HELL:
Day 3 of my front desk temporary job (I started last Friday). The human resources assistant sat with me on Friday and trained me on the phones, which I picked up fast. She also showed me how to lock/unlock the company's front door and employee entrances when I arrive at 8 a.m. and leave at 5 p.m.

No problem...or so I thought.

Monday morning comes and I arrive at 8:00 a.m. ready to unlock the company's two doors, take the phones off of night, and turn on the computer. But the human resources assistant was there and already did it. THAT'S NOT PART OF HER JOB! Or they wouldn't have contacted a temp agency to hire a temp (me). She did it to me again today and I arrived at 7:50 a.m. but she had already done those tasks.

She undermined me. Why? I don't know. Because she's got serious control issues? who knows. But I told her boss about her undermining behavior and rude comments to me, because she shouldn't be acting so inappropriately with me, the temp like that. Obviously, she didn't like being told on, because she came out after my morning break and confronted me about it.

I was in the middle of answering phones so I just ignored her, telling her, "I'm sorry now is not a good time as I'm answering phones." She huffed and walked away. Later, she came out again to the receptionist area and tried to accuse me of not locking up last night after she went home, which was a total lie of course.

Then, she asked me if anyone had brought up projects for me to day WHEN SHE COULD CLEARLY SEE THAT I WAS STUFFING ENVELOPES for the marketing dept.,. I mean, WTH!!

So, I waited until she left at 4:30 p.m. and called her boss again, who asked me if she had ever apologized to me. I told her, no, she didn't apologize to me. Then, I regaled her boss with the passive aggressive stuff she pulled all day today with me.

And I asked her boss, "What should I do, if I show up at 7:50 a.m. tomorrow morning and she's done the opening tasks that your front desk receptionist is responsible for?" She told me to immediately go to her office, if this human resources assistant pulls that stunt again tomorrow.

I also reported this to my recruiter -- to cover my bases -- so that this crazy woman who is clearly trying to undermine me b/c she's crazy !! -- doesn't try to misrepresent my work performance (and she's not even my boss, her boss is my boss while I'm on this assignment).

So, I feel like I set good boundaries by not engaging in her failed attempts to confront me at the front desk today all those times, and just ignoring her and doing what I was supposed to be doing; answer phones/transfer calls, perform clerical projects as needed, etc.

ROOMMATE IS SADNESS ON A STICK
So, a month after I moved in to my roommate's house in the neighborhood and city where I spent my childhood, the seemingly normal vibe changed.

I knew she was recently divorced (a year), had a teenager, and a cat. I also knew she did not have a full-time job b/c of the creative type of work she does.

The vibe started normal enough; she would be gone during the day socializing or whatever, and sometimes would invite her friends over to her house. I spend most of my time between her house in my guest bedroom on the computer applying for jobs, or going to the coffee shop, library, or whatever. Her son was away at camp for 3 weeks, then spent 2 weeks with his dad out of town at his grandparent's (dad's parent's) farm.

Once her son came back in town, her behavior changed 100%. Suddenly, she refused to leave her bedroom to feed her cat, or take her son anywhere to do anything. She wouldn't even FEED her son meals; she'd weirdly text me, "Can you make my son a sandwich?" I was like, "who does she think I am, Mrs Garrett from Facts of Life?" Different Strokes indeed! What chou talkin' bout' Willis?!

I mean, she's in her mid-50s and acting like she's a paraplegic who can't leave her bedroom to care for her son or her cat. I put up with this nonsense for the past 3 weeks but today had enough. She texted me, asking me to buy her son some dinner (he was scheduled to stay with her this week) and I texted back, "No. Sorry. I have to watch my budget. Have you applied for SNAP food benefits yet? You should...then you would have the extra money. Thanks for understanding!"

She has been arguing with her ex-husband (they make their son stay in the ex-husband's car while they scream at each other in a 'war of the roses' fashion about money inside her house -- she has a ton of money in stocks etc. that she won't give to her ex-husband for child support or something I don't know I didn't understand everything as I was standing in her kitchen making my dinner while they screamed at each other) since her son came back with his dad from their road trip together to visit his grandparents. It's happened twice now.

I didn't know her ex-husband was coming over the first two times b/c my roommate didn't warn me. Maybe he surprised her. I don't know. But today, she texted me he would be there. Then had the gall to tell me to pick up take out dinner for her son, to which I said firmly and politely "No" via text.

I need her to give me a good roommate reference when I find my next place to live by October 1st. I think saying "no" to her was appropriate. Don't you? I think that was a perfectly reasonable, healthy boundary to set. I pay her rent, but I am not in any way required to be her 24/7 servant on call. She'd have to hire me and pay me an hourly wage for that service of grocery shopping for her SON. Jesus Christ. She should do that herself!!

And since I don't have a full-time job or any money until my fall grad school refund deposit, I am stuck living in her guest room. I am trying to be very polite with her but still have strong boundaries.

Just because I rent a room from her, does not give her the right to treat me like her damn servant b/c she is depressed about being divorced, not working, and whatever else (I don't know her well at all, we met through Facebook friends).

Clearly, she is a very needy person -- my roommate. She obviously won't seek help. I gave her handouts for mindfulness and I even gave her phone numbers to nearby walk-in clinics so she could pop in to talk to social workers for emotional support. I even gave her a crisis connection phone number. Did I have to do any of that? No. But I did thinking it would motivate her to stop the self-pity party of wallowing in her bedroom 24/7. I mean, I can't even imagine what impact that has on her teenage son.

I thought that the other roommate situation I had posted about before this summer seemed dicier than this one, because I had no idea this would be the outcome. She seemed to have it together on the surface.

Her cat's litterbox would be overflowing if I didn't clean it. Her cat would be dead if I didn't feed it. I bring in her mail and mow her lawn. I am her maid. But no more. I just have to figure out how to set better boundaries with her, that won't set her off into some hysterical melt down before I can find another place to move into in October b/c I'm broke right now.

I don't have anywhere else to go until I get that refund money in the fall. So I'm stuck in her guest room or I can always leave and sleep in my SUV for 6 weeks. In my sister's driveway (those are the conditions my sister set with me).

That's a long rant, wow. But, I had to write it. I'm trying to make the best of my living situation and I don't mean to vilify my roommate but I'm just so fed up with her acting helpless when she's not helpless. My dad was helpless, working while he was dealing with bone marrow cancer. He got out of bed EVERY DAY despite knowing every day could be his last. I get up every morning, temp job or not, because I WANT to find a job. I WANT to eat healthy. I WANT to participate in life. Not wallow with the time I have left especially with my liver disease that there's no cure for (4 stages of it before a transplant's required).

I mean... I get that life events can paralyze people into these kinds of depressions. But, everyone here knows what I went through this past year. And, not once was "hiding" from my problems an option for me. So, I kind of resent the fact that she has the financial means to hide in her bedroom, from her problems, because I don't have that luxury. I probably sound ungrateful don't I.

I also didn't mention that I cooked my roommate and her son dinners because she refuses to leave her bedroom. Today, she had a friend bring food over for her. This woman is fully capable of walking and driving to the grocery store.

Do you know how weird it is, to knock on her son's door with a glass of milk and a PB&J sandwich that I made for him, while she lays in her bed with her door shut? What must her son think?

Tomorrow is his first day of high school and she asked me to drive him. I said no of course, because 1) that's totally inappropriate b/c she's his mom and that's HER JOB and 2) I have my temp job. If she can drive her son to his first day of school, she can sure as hell get out of bed, grocery shop for them, and even take her garbage out (which she refuses to do also).

When I went to house sit for a weekend this summer, I left the day it was garbage day. Guess what was still sitting at the end of my roommate's drive way when I came back 4 days later? Her recycling and garbage receptacles. And, why is it, her teenage son can't mow their lawn? Or take out the garbage, or clean up around the house?

Can anyone relate to my situation at all? Or do you think I'm a horrible person?

I also want to add, this woman's social network includes famous people. She has emmys on her baby grand piano and has hobnobbed with celebrities. I'm not her personal assistant either. But she treats me like one.

All I can say, is that I really hope the universe finds me a full time job opportunity by October 1st, an apartment or new roommate situation by Oct 4th, good health, and sanity by 2020. Right now, I'm in hell. This woman and her entitled teenage son are THE WORST roommates I've ever had.

And I get it. Beggars can't be choosers, Blanche! I was nearly homeless after moving my mother out of her 55+ bldg this spring b/c I wasn't financially prepared or working at the time it happened. I don't expect people to respond and if you do, thank you for your empathy.

But I'm just so fed up with this 55 year old woman acting like a big ol baby. Grow up! I want to tell her! Stop wallowing in your fancy bedroom and join the rest of the 3-dimensional human race.

all i really want to say is that you need to have some of that empathy for your landlord/roommate. I think you should say no to caring for her or her son, but at the same time, she seems clinically depressed and screaming about it won't change a thing.
I wish you luck with work and finding a FT job soon.
Also blanche, the co worker opening the door could be just because she doesn't want to wait to go inside. Have you ask her why she does it, is it just habit possibly?
Tams

I'm sorry you're struggling with holding your boundaries right now. I think it's reasonable to say no. And I think it's reasonable that you have said no.

I would just ignore the coworker causing trouble. She sounds unimportant.

Regarding your roommate's depression, it will not be effective to tell any person with depression to just get over it or call them a big baby. I understand the desire to want to say that, but depression can be just as serious as cancer. One does not just get over it. In fact, that kind of judgment will likely not help her heal. Depression is an illness that requires treatment. She can no more get over depression than your father could get over his cancer.

To enforce your boundaries I think it would help to move beyond a text conversation to a real conversation where you explain to her that you don't have the capacity to care for her son or assist in that. You're renting a room and that's the extent. Take a few minutes to have the conversation to let her know in person what the terms are. That might help.

I find venting here on the forum very cathartic and therapeutic. And, I'm not "yelling" either. I won't apologize for the way I feel taken advantage of by my roommate, or feel guilty for venting about it. It's extremely stressful to be in my situation. Extremely stressful.

She can get over her depression. People get over depression. Cancer? No. Liver disease? That I have? No.

Sorry, but I have zero empathy for her. She has the financial resources, the social resources, ALL the resources one needs to get over their depression. She's just choosing not to and expects me, her temporary roommate, to take care of her and her son which is not my job! I'm just here to rent a room for god sake. That's all. It is NOT my job to see that she gets over her depression. It's not my job to take care of her son. She is supposed to do that. She has an ex-husband who can do that.

And I did speak to her tonight. I told her that I couldn't afford to pay for her and her son's groceries. She apologized for even texting me to ask that. So that was a step in the right direction. It's not as though she and I don't have verbal communication with each other. We do but it's very stilted since we are essentially complete strangers to each other. I need a good roommate reference from her, so I will not be confrontational with her hence my venting here online.

I am TRYING to have patience but the only person I am responsible for taking care of is myself.

She knows how grateful I am for being able to rent out her guest bedroom. But that doesn't obligate me to be her 24/7 caregiver b/c she is clinically depressed or whatever it is she is going through that she wasn't going through when I first moved in. I have been a good roommate too; I do all the housework, I take care of her cat, etc.,. and I have been pleasant and accommodating. But I have limits. I just spent a year taking care of my mother which was a very one-sided experience. And here I am again, taking care of someone. Who will take care of me? No one. All I have is myself to do that.

Lots of people dont get over depression and end up dead. Robin William's, for one. Many others. One does not just get over depression. It requires treatment. Some people are able to do treatment on their own using different tactics. Some require professional help. Myself and many others on here can tell you about times when we could not care for ourselves due to depression. Depression does not care how much money you have. And seeking help is very difficult for exactly the attitude you have about it. The stigma that we should just get over it prevents many from seeking help.

But you're absolutely right. It's not your responsibility to help her get treatment. So let her be depressed and deal with her son. Just keep saying no and holding to your boundaries. It was nice if you to give her some resources, but now it's on her to seek help.

Of course it's her responsibility to care for her son and seek help for herself. If I hadn't moved in here, if someone else had moved in here, they'd be in my situation most likely. She's not without friends so she's not isolated by any stretch of the imagination. She has friends bringing over food for her to eat.

And I've been depressed before but the difference is, I don't let it paralyze me to the point where I can't get out of bed. Does that mean I have an "attitude" about it? Certainly not.

What it means is, I choose to be proactive instead of wallow, because wallowing accomplishes nothing. She has the financial means to wallow and the resources to start working again whenever she wants to. So she is not down and out. She does not have liver disease like I do. Am I wallowing about that to her? No, I am not. Am I making MY problems her problems? No, I am not.

I do not have an attitude and I resent you accusing me of having one when you have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. No idea.

Each persons journey into depression is different, depression manifests itself in many different ways. I have an element of depression in my MI, being SZ makes me depressed sometimes, but it is part of me.
your roommate sounds like she is very clinically depressed, that does not mean it's your problem and her son can make his own PB&J and get milk, heck a 10 yr old can do that. Maybe the son would be better off at dad's if he can't count on his mom? I don't know how to approach that tho.
Good Luck at work today

Well, if you want to twist my words then I cant stop you. I did not claim you have an attitude in general. I pointed out your attitude that your medical condition is somehow worse and superior to her mental illness. We all have attitudes about one thing or another. All I did was point out the attitude you have towards people with depression, which you continue to confirm. The opinion or attitude you have is what causes the kind of stigma that people with depression face.

Not everyone's depression is the same. Just because you were more functional does not mean that others will be more functional. And you are right that I dont know what it's like to be in your shoes. And you have no idea what it's like to be in mine. But at least one of us has empathy for the other.

I have noticed that you both like to jump on me when I post in the forums here, in a very non-supportive way where I feel attacked. Then you both back track and try to deflect and blame me for the way you attack me. It violates the community guidelines here, because none of what either of you posted in this thread shows any support or empathy for my situation at all. Rather, you both attack me for being frustrated that my roommate is taking advantage of my good nature and instead of offering any support, you both accuse me of having an attitude against people with depression, etc.,. This seems to be a trend with you both in my posts on the forums. It has to stop.

I am so sorry for what you have to deal with, @StreetcarBlanche! I don't think you are a bad person for setting up boundaries. In fact you're doing the right thing in my opinion. Telling her No and explaining to her why you can't do the things that she asks. Good on you! Be proud of yourself. That said, I also agree with seesaw and Tamster about the fact that she's most likely Depressed and is struggling a lot with doing anything at the moment. That doesn't mean that you have to do the chores for her... I'm just explaining why she is like that. Even though she may be financially ok and may have people supporting her that doesn't mean much when you're Depressed. It's a state of mind. Either way, it's up to her to get help so keep doing what you're doing! Just try to hang on for this month and hopefully you'll be able to move to another, better place. You're also doing well by setting up boundaries with your colleague at work. It seems like your Boss is being REALLY supportive of You and Your Situation! KEEP FIGHTING! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need Advice and Support. I'm sure plenty of others will gladly help you as well! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! Sending many safe, warm hugs to You and Your Roommate, @StreetcarBlanche, and ALL the people You Love and who ALSO Love You back! Keep fighting and keepr ocking as much as you possibly can like you're already wonderfully doing entirely on your own! I also hope you'll be able to manage your Liver issues and ALL of your Health rpoblems REALLY soon and that you'll fell MUCH, MUCH BETTER and MUCH MORE HEALTHIER REALLY SOON! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF!

i reread my post that you say i attacked you in, i tend to disagree, i validated your statement that you don't need to take care of the roommate or her son. and only said that depression manifests itself in different ways. When you ask for input you only seem to want it in the form of back-patting, i am sorry you read it as less than supportive.
When you ask for opinions sometimes they might seem wrong to you but they aren't always meant that way. Even Mickey agreed with some of what we said.
Could it be that you are feeling defensive due to stress irl as well.

My roommate's type of depression isn't the focus of my thread. The focus of my thread has to do with boundaries. Whatever is causing her to take advantage of me and invade my boundaries when she has hoards of people at her fingertips to help her, ISNT HELPING ME in my situation. So, feel free to start another thread where you empathize with my horrible roommate but please do not do that here! I didn't publicly rant so that you and Tams and seesaw could criticize me for not empathizing with my roommate. She is choosing to wallow in self-pity, and she is acting like she is helpless which she is not. I will never feel sorry for a rich woman who works anytime she wants, who has no financial problems other than an ex-husband who she argues with in her home about child support and her stocks.

I was in a housing crisis and thought moving in with her would be the right choice, that it would be safe, that I wouldn't have to take care of another adult after spending a YEAR of my life sacrificing my time away from work (thus losing income for a year) and social life to take care of my mother. No one in this thread seems to acknowledge the toll that takes. You don't think I was depressed during the past year? That I wanted to wallow in self pity and hide from my responsibilities? If I did that, what would that solve? It would solve nothing.

So, that is why I view wallowing in self pity as an act of entitlement. Not an act of helplessness. I will never empathize with people who wallow in self pity. Wallowing in self-pity is selfish and it's an attempt to elicit sympathy from people, so that the wallower can perpetuate their self-pity party. People who wallow in self-pity do it as an avoidance tactic because they don't want to suffer. Self-pity is a choice, regardless of what you think, it is a choice. When people become depressed and allow self-pity to occur, that is because they are self-absorbed and choose to focus on what's bothering them vs. facing it and dealing with the negative emotions (fear, anxiety, anger, frustration) associated with what's bothering them. So, self pity = self absorbed. It's harmful because it doesn't solve the problem it just postpones any resolution. I.e. hiding from problems does not solve them.

My roommate can CHOOSE to spread her misery (which she is doing by texting her friends to bring her food over to eat, texting me to take care of her son, her household), or she can CHOOSE to face her depression over being sued by her ex-husband for child support and face that and rise above her circumstances. My roommate is CHOOSING to let her depression consume her life. No one is forcing her to stay in bed all day doing nothing but text food orders etc. to her friends to bring over to her. She is very manipulative to do that. And these friends must know this about her, because since she started acting this way, none of her friends have come over to her house anymore. My roommate is choosing to be a self-inflicted victim of her depression. She rejected my attempts to help her by providing her with phone numbers and names of walk in clinics. She is CHOOSING to suffer. I have no respect for people who choose that. I only respect people like my father, who rose above his circumstances of having bone marrow cancer and showing up to his work every day, spending time with his wife and children and family and friends despite having cancer which also gave him depression.

Yes, people handle depression in different ways. The wrong way to handle it, is to whine, and mope. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

So, defending my roommate for her depression is not supportive to me. It doesn't actually help me, to be attacked for viewing her as choosing to suffer instead of take control of her life. So, please stop judging me and attacking me. That isn't nice.

I already sacrificed one year of my life to care for my mother because my siblings wouldn't. But I'm not required to take care of my roommate. All I'm required to do is pay rent for the guest room I'm renting. That's all. That's all I intend to do from today forward, until I can find another place to live by October 1st.

People who are truly helpless are those who are handicapped, those who have autism, those who are recovering from TBI's, or recovering from strokes, heart attacks, or surgeries. But a rich middle aged woman who has no real world problems other than an ex-husband who wants her money. She is not helpless. No way.

Blanche,
Is work better today, did the HR asst apologize and did you get to open the door today. I am wondering what she has to say, is she cordial to you?
I hope today goes by fast and you have a great night. Yesterday was surely a stressor for you.
tams

I'm SO sorry my post wasn't supportive, @StreetcarBlanche. That was not my intention. I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE for that! I'll avoid making further comments on that since that is not what you came here for. Please do keep us updated if you wish to do so. We mean no harm. Please keep taking care of yourself... like I've said, you're not doing anything wrong at all at the moment and you're rightfully taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you!

I regret starting this thread. I hope the mods will close it. It hasn't helped me AT ALL to post about it. I am done posting for a while. I am sick of being attacked!!!!!