Family relationship and communication problems: Sibling fight

I know that this is not about boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but this is about my family relationship with my little brother. On August 18, me and my sister blamed on my little brother (who is becoming a sophomore in high school next week) for hurting a baby name Jay that my mom had babysit a long time ago. My brother carried him, and Jay suddenly starts crying. Me and my sister overreact towards him and start blaming on him. He got mad after that and that's when he starts to avoid me and give us silent treatment. I did apologized to him 30 minutes later, but he is still mad. I tried to talked to him on Friday for reconciliation, but he won't listened to me and won't accept my apology. I tried my best to get my message towards him, including writing messages to say sorry and leave it on the table and even tried to texted him (I assumed that he purposely blocked my number), but I don't think he ever bothered to read it. My mom did talked to him, but he seems like he doesn't care. His attitude is becoming more and more ridiculous. He doesn't act like himself (being positive, funny, weird, and get a little upset). The next day, whenever we went to the store, he always finding a place to hide and try not to make eye contact and still avoiding us. My sister tried to approach him and said sorry, but he didn't listen and didn't even bulged. That's when I started to give him space and didn't talk to him since then. Yesterday and today, he seems like he is getting back to his normal self. He talked to my mom and dad pretty fine. But when I approached to him, I asked him if he wants to play Fortnite, he shook his head no and didn't say one word. I am heartbroken that he act this way and didn't want to forgive us. I didn't even have a clue of what bothers him and how can I make it up to him. I'm starting to feel concerned that one day, me and my brother will become strangers. I'm currently feeling stuck and I feel more depressed from time to time. What can I do to make him stop getting mad at me and try to move on with the past? Can you give me an advice on how to make him talk and listen? Thank you.

I think he is emotionally hurt.Some people take longer to forgive.If forgiveness is what you seek,you have to understand you Can't get it on your terms and conditions.It will come when ever your brother decides to forgive you.My own sister was very mean to me and told lies to mom about me which resulted in horrific abuse.I didn't forget and it is very hard to forgive her ( not yet ).I talk to her,but it's just formality.She knows what she did and scared of me and she is very careful when we communicate.She answers my quarries with short yes,no, hmmm,ok type of one word answers.So let him take his time,give him space and once he heals he may forgive you.

Hello traceytruong: I don't think I can add anything of consequence to what Mendingmysoul has already written. However, I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So I thought I would leave a brief reply welcoming you to Psych Central.

Here are links to 3 articles, Psych Central's archives, on the subject of how to apologize effectively:

How to Make an Adept, Sincere Apology

The Art of Apologizing

7 Ways to Give An Apology & 4 Ways to Accept One

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I COMPLETELY agree with BOTH Mendingmysoul and Skeezyks! He will forgive you with his own Time and on His own accords. Try not to worry too much about it. Give it Time and see how it goes. Give him some Space as well. Also, can I ask you how old is he? Perhaps that has some influence as well! Let us know ow it goes and if things improve! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @traceytruong1999, Your Little Brother, Your Sister, Your Mother, Your Family, Your Friends, and ALL Of Your Loved Ones!

Thank you so much for helping me! I am not worried about it anymore and I will give him more space than I supposed to. He is 15 this year and he is going to be a sophomore in high school. He is super slowly improving, but I still have doubt that he will still hold a grudge towards me and my sister. But I will update on that and see how it goes. Again, thank you for your suggestions.

Thank you so much for your advice! I am sorry that this also happens to you too. Hope that everything is going great with your sister and your family. I understand that it takes time to heal an emotional wound. I thought that my scenario with my brother is just a normal petty problem. I was not expected for this problem to happened. He is always positive and always takes the negative problem and turn it into something positive. Now that I think about it, I think it's because of me, my sister, and my mom and dad are used to blaming him since he is always the mischevious one in the household. I think we are taking this situation too harshly and made him super upset. I shouldn't have blamed him in the first place. Now, no one in the household is feeling happy and we have lacked communications about two weeks now. My brother is not happy, I myself am not happy, my sister is afraid to talk to him. Everything is just disconnected. I am praying hard that giving him space and time of healing can make him move on. He is about to become a sophomore in high school next week. I hope this gives him time outside of our home. I apologized for a very long post. But overall, thank you for answering my concerns and give me some advice. Once again, thank you so much.

you accused your brother of abusing and hurting a child. pretty strong words. i'd be pissed at you too....and then your family jumped on the bandwagon as well. it's not funny, and it can escalate as you now see.

I don't know how old you are but perhaps YOU should have given more thought as to what you were accusing him of doing. kids cry sometimes when you pick them up. for no reason. or sometimes maybe if they are picked up slightly roughly or too roughly, when did this incident even take place? hurting a baby name Jay that my mom had babysit a long time ago. if it took place a long time ago, why even bring it up now? what was the point, other then to cause issue with your brother? and what did you expect his reaction to be? you just accused him of harming a child???

the best thing I can offer now is to back off. leave him alone. give him space to calm down and decide if he wants to interact with you again and how., I think you have said more then enough. it sounds like this is a huge issue to him, it make be some time before he comes to peace with it.

I agree with what the others have said. Give it time. It hasn't been that long since this happened. Also, he's a teenager, so his emotions are kind of on a roller coaster anyway.

I think I should’ve have clarified this a little bit better. During the incident, my brother carried him and he suddenly started crying. I don’t want to use the “hurt” because this is not technically an abuse, it’s just that I don’t have the right term to defined “hurt.” What I meant by hurt is that I thought my brother carried him and and afraid that he squeezed him so hard that it made him cry. All I said was, “what have you done to him?! He is crying!” and that’s it. I have never scold him using the word “hurt.” As for Jay, he has been in this household for over two months now and this incident happened a little over a week ago, so this is fairly new. We (including my brother) loved to play with Jay and loved to carried Jay. Whenever my brother holds Jay, I feel extremely nervous because of the way he holds Jay and how he carries him. That’s why I allegedly blamed on him. I know that I overreacted to this situation by blaming on him, which is my fault and I wanted to say sorry to him millions of times. My family never jumped on the bandwagon of blaming him. It was just me and my sister. It was because my brother has been a mischievous person and my parents would blame on him, but he would never feel butthurt about it. Over this past week, I began to reflect on my mistakes and even bought stuff for him as my sincere apology. You may think that I’m crazy or being a very bad sister, but I always cared for him and loved him as my little brother. I helped him with homework, give him my phone to play Fortnite, and I even give him my money to buy drinks when he purposely left his wallet and let either me or my sister paid instead. I’m about to enter into Junior year of college. You would think that I’m immature, which I accepted it, but there are times that I suddenly became stressed because of school, family, and friendship. The more I’m stressed out, the more sensitive I was. That’s why I overreacted to a lot of things and didn’t jumped to the whole conclusion. I apologize for a very long response. It’s just that I wanted to clarify with the things that you wrote just to clear up some misunderstandings. English is my second language and I’m not good with words and explanation. But I hope this clear things up. I appreciate for your advice at the end. I have learned my lesson and I will be more understanding towards my brother and hopefully he will forgive me one day.

I think he will forgive you. Just give him time.

You love your brother,it is obvious. You want to apologize for the emotional hurt you created in him.That makes you a good,loving,respectable human being.To err is human my friend. Don't worry he will come around in time.He is lucky to have you.My sister never apologized. I never carried any grudges. You and your brother will be doing alright.All the best.

UPDATE 1: There is no improvement between us. I did give him space and not talking to him, but he stills act the same. Even if my parents made him to ask my sister if she wants to eat something for breakfast, he won’t even budge or even ask. Same thing when we went to grocery stores. He always find a spot to hide and he is still unhappy when he is with us, even though we did normal thing and ignore him. When we ask him something, he stay silent most of the time. He is about to go back to school tomorrow and I hope that this is the final straw into our sibling relationship. If he is acting like this forever, then I am afraid that there is no more solution, rather than being patient and give him space. I will move back to Seattle to go back to college, hopefully this will relieves some “weights off his shoulders.” I will keep updating to see if there is any progress throughout next week.

I'm really doubting the ages of you all...this does not seem like it is written by a 20 year old...and the issue about tattle-taling doesn't sound like it's between a 20 year old and a 15 year old...because 20 year olds are typically too old to tattle tale and the language just seems off for a 20 year old and a teenage boy typically doesn't "hide".

But maybe his resentment has nothing to do with you. Maybe there is a bigger issue you don't know about and he's struggling to cope with it. High school can be rough for teenagers. Maybe he's sad you're leaving for college and he's not going to see you for a long time. I'd suggest be a grown up about it and have a talk with him.

UPDATE 2: I guess there is a little bit of improvement between us. On the first day of school, I asked him, "how was school?" and he replied with "mmm..." I guess that is a tiny bit improvement because he began to start speaking (not quite speaking yet, but at least he did make a sound). Everything is going okay until Sunday when my mom left to Vietnam for about four weeks and he became sulky and depressed all over again. He still hides in the store on that day and didn't want to talk or listen to us. I noticed that he always been quite closely attached to my mom because mom is the only one who is always been there for him and can easily approach him. My mom told me about her leaving to Vietnam and his face went from happy to sad. Since then, I did give him space and back off away from him, but somehow he seems like he had been feeling lonely? Today, I began to approach him and asking him if he wants to eat something so I can cook for him or letting him finding food on his own. I thought he won't respond (he hasn't respond for three weeks now), but miracle happens that he finally began to speak up. There is still awkwardness between us, but he finally speaks up is just a beginning. I will continue to do one more update before I'm going back to college to start school.

FINAL UPDATE: He is not improving at all. My mom still told me that he is upset because of her, not me (which I still have a doubt about it). He doesn't like to share out his feeling and always kept his thought to himself (this is the problem that me, my sister, and my parents are frustrated about because we just don't have a clue). I want to try to help, but it seems like he doesn't even want it. Over these past weeks, I began to take care of myself and slowly let go of that situation instead of holding that toxic thoughts and forcing myself trying too hard to cheer him up. During the past week, we are all becoming silent and not talking to each other (and he still hides in the store when going to many grocery stores). Even if I tried to ask him, he just won't still respond. This led me to believe that we are not close anymore, but this helps me get closer to my sister more (she is the only person that I can talk to). However, it doesn't mean that I won't care for him anymore. In just three days, I will be leaving the household and I can set my worries aside, for now, to focus on studies until my mom can finally coming home (October 3rd). I expect this will continue on when I leave for college and we can't change that fact. I understand that he is a teenager and he has many ups and downs and he needs parental support. Only my mom can talk it out to him (I still have doubts that this won't work on him because whenever my mom talked about me and my sister, and her leaving to Vietnam, he became sulky and sensitive and trying to avoid this topic and switch to a new topic like no problem). I just hope that when I coming back home after school (probably the next three weeks or so), he will finally turn back to his normal self. I don't have my hopes high, but there is always light through the tunnel.