Hey All

Not sure if this is the right site for me but I suffer from a severe case of depression which I take drugs for but they don't work because the problems that cause my depression haven't gone away.

I grew up in a Traditional Family, Mom, Dad, 4 siblings. I was taught at an early age about hard work and self worth and worked very hard to live up to the standards laid out by my parents.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with stage 4A cancer which at the time only had a 25% survival rate but I was strong enough to receive a very aggressive combination of Radiation and Chemotherapy which saved my life but also ended it as I knew it.

Because the treatments were so aggressive I was disabled by the radiation and no longer able to work which is one of the biggest problems I have. My whole life I measured my manhood on how hard I worked and through hard work I married and raised 2 sons which has now been taken away from me..

My other problem is also attached to self image but more than that.

I don't want to sound like a braggart but I was very, very, sexually active and was proud that I was a great lover and very active. At the age of 30 I met my wife who was capable of maintaining a very active sex life and we've been married faithfully for 21 years.

5 years ago my wife's diabetes started taking a toll on health and body and having sex with me hurt her no matter how gentle I was and sex completely stopped for me 2 years ago. The only relief I get is through masturbation which is not enough for me.

My wife is my soulmate and I love her and will not leave her but having been removed from both work and sex, the 2 biggest things in my life I held my manhood too are gone and I have lately been feeling useless.

My wife is open to me having outside sexual partners but I don't want a relationship with any other women other than casual sex and I honestly wouldn't know how to get back in that game being removed from it for so long. I've thought about escorts but paying for sex is not only illegal but something I find repulsive, dirty and exploitative.

A friend of mine told me about sexual surrogates, which I know nothing about, but again after discussing this with my wife, she was open to.

So Here I am, a broken, confused man. Looking for a solution to my unorthodox problem. I may be 54 and battling cancer again but I am still very attracted to women and still have a very active, very starved libido.

Any and all help, ideas, directional would be greatly appreciated.

I think a good start is for you to stop believing what you were imprinted with about "being a man". It's not JUST about working or being able to have sex and deciding you are good at it. For starters you should be proud of yourself for surviving all that cancer treatment and surviving cancer. Often "being a man" has a lot to do with "surviving" and even being able to love your wife and ACCEPT that she has health challenges and can no longer engage in sex. Sometimes it's the other way around you know where it's the man who has a problem and can't perform sexually and a lot of women GRACEFULLY accept it and love and care about their man anyway. There are plenty of women who don't say anything and just masterbate. LOL, and there are plenty of women who have men who THINK they are great in bed but instead are selfish and the woman ends up just putting up with it and satisfying herself too. Meh, they reason it away because the man happens to make good money and pay the bills. Ugh, so much men just don't know. You know, a lot of women don't marry a man for sex, instead they marry a man because they feel they are "safe" with him. There are men who think they are good in bed but NEVER just cuddle and love their woman too and often that's what the woman wants more. Some men believe that if they buy flowers for the woman it pretty much opens the door to have sex too and that night. You were not the only one that raised two sons, and you did not "have them" either. Oh you helped, I know but you certainly did not do it all. And how is THAT taken from you?

Yeah, men don't want to actually "pay for it" either. They would rather believe they have it all and the woman NEEDS them sexually. This is twice I am thinking about and posting about that movie "When Harry Met Sally". LOL the best scene is in that restaurant when Meg Ryan showed Harry how a woman can "fake it" so CONVINCINGLY. Every time I watch that scene I laugh so hard. I love how Rod Reiner's mother played the part of the other older woman who told the waitress "I'll have what she is having" LOL, sooooo funny. Oh, and spoiler alert, the women in those XXX rated whatever that people watch are not REALLY orgasming either. Oh, sorry, did you think they were/are?

I honestly do not know where you can get some "hook up" where it's not about "paying for it" to be honest. Did you trying googling it?

Being a man isn't JUST about working and sex. You should be glad you still even have your wife to be around for you. My FIL talks about missing my MIL pretty much every day. And it isn't about sex, pretty sure he stopped being able to do that years ago. And, you should be glad you survived cancer too and you still do have two sons.

Oh, just want to add, welcome to Psych Central. Be patient as you may get another reply from someone else that may provide some help for you. Sometimes it can take time for someone to see your thread and post to you.

Two ideas come to mind....

In terms of work. Have you consulted your state vocational rehabilitation program? Voc rehab helps people who can no longer do their previous job due to illness/disability. Surviving cancer should qualify you for their services.

As to the other issue, have you and your wife considered consulting a sex therapist? They might be able to help. Sex is not limited to intercourse. There are ways you and your wife can still be intimate.

Do you think its purely a lack of sex or is it the physical connection you have when having sex? I would worry that the latter would be confusing for you,

truer words have never been spoken !

That’s what I really miss actually, the real physical connection !

To some extent what I stated is true, however, I don't feel I was sensitive enough to the OP's current personal challenge. I think that men tend to be taught that being a "man" is about being able to provide as well as be able to engage in sex.

Sometimes, a man can be very selfish that way "unknowingly". Often the culprit with this is societal messages. Unfortunately, because of that many men never really learn what true intimacy is. This isn't just exclusive to men though as women can lack ability to engage intimately as well.

I wonder how the OP would feel if all that he went through made him impudent and his wife came to him and asked him if it would be ok if she "got it" from other men? Maybe we tend to make it way more important than it should be. We go through challenges in our lives, especially as we get older and it can be difficult to understand what to do with these challenges.

Personally, I would be very hurt if my husband came to me and asked if he could seek other women out for sex. I would feel vulnerable as often that can be the beginning of the end of any relationship. I think a man would have a hard time with that as well. Perhaps private thoughts develop of "what does she/he need me for if she/he wants to go elsewhere?".

I was very much into the thinking that I needed my education & my career to define who I was. Very untypical of a woman but given my background it makes total sense.

I had a successful computer design engineering career for 15 years. Then aerospace crashed, I had a breakdown before that....I knew my marriage was bad all those years but ignored just how bad it was when I could escape into my career.

No not exactly like your situation but the same in that I defined myself by my accomplishments not by who I really was & what values I really had. That depression state lasted 13 years & almost cost my my life several times.

Because my marriage was bad, I had to get out of the situation I was in to reassess myself & to really figure out who I was given the state I was now in. I didn't have a husband who was any good at emotional support & when needed to be responsible financially, he destroyed everything we had built up over the years.

You have the emotional support of your wife.....what your problem is, is that you still define who you are by the successes from the past......not who & what your life is NOW.

The REAL sign of being successful is BEING ABLE TO ADAPT to the NOW. Being flexible & able to change to make your life you have now as acceptable to you as the life you created in the past. It is called "making the best of the hand you have been dealt". There is nothing BAD about your life now, it is just different than it was in the past & learning to embrace it as being good just in a different way is what adapting to change is all about. Holding onto the past only makes depression worse. Looking for the good & making the best out of the present is what can bring happiness.

Excellent post Eskie!