Are happy, long-term relationships truly possible?

Hi everyone,

I am sincerely searching for the answer to the question in this thread's title. There is a part of me that knows happy, long-term relationships are possible but because I have hardly seen one in my immediate circle (family & friends) I'm not sure if this is a notion I have bought into because of social media.

I am 28 years old, and today, it dawned on me that perhaps I am now ready to be in a new relationship (after pretty much four years of willful singleness). I had a recent reconnection with an ex; we have a solid connection, however, two months into our reconnection questions about who he truly is and the decisions he makes regarding friends etc arose and made me realize us being together for the rest of our lives may not be the best idea. Prior to this revelation though, I did sincerely think things could work with him. I thought I was willing to take on a relationship with a not so perfect start (taking into consideration our history). Now that the desire to be with him is fizzling out, and I started considering the possibility of something new, I couldn't help but think 'what if things (disappointments, betrayals) like what we have been through are just destined to happen in every relationship, and people just stick it out?' I have thought before that I know people have communication issues and stuff like that, which is pretty standard, but how many people are in decades-long relationships and can safely say, despite everything, that they have always been 100% sure they wanted to be with their partners? How possible is it that I will meet someone wonderful and have a happy life together, with bumps along the way, but nothing that will shatter my heart into a million pieces? Or is that destined to happen, but as you get older you learn to deal with/get over it?

I just celebrated 24 years of marriage. I got married when I was 20. I think that long term relationships are possible. But I had all the fixins' to marry a man that would treat me like crap due to childhood role models and abuse. Then I met my husband and it was love at first sight.

I grew up around many long-term marriages. My parents were married almost 65 years before my mother passed away. My sister and her husband, 35 years before she passed away. My husband and I are in our 33rd year of marriage. I could name many, many more.

Is marriage "always" 100% happy and perfect and easy? Heck no. A long-term marriage will see births and deaths, illnesses and financial struggles. That's life. Strong marriages last because of a commitment to work together through whatever obstacles occur. Strong marriages last because, despite everything that can go wrong, at its root, there is a respect and love and commitment to that relationship that transcends those struggles.

I completely agree with all the other wise, wonderful posters, @astoldbyginger. Relationships certainly aren't easy but it IS possible to have a long-term one through hard work and determination on BOTH sides. Yes, you'll certainly meet many obstacles, but it's in moments like this that TRUE Love will shine through in my opinion. So my advice would be, just like everyone elese has already wisely and wonderfully said better than I ever could, to keep looking for the RIGHT person for you! Marriages are never going to be perfect but they certainly should make you happy most of the time. I believe that's the right criteria to use. It requires work but it can be WONDERFUL! ALL OF THIS is just my opinion anyway. I may be COMPLETELY wrong! But I think it's the truth for what it's worth. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you want to and if you need advice and support of ANY KIND! I am SURE plent of others will also GLADLY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @astoldbyginger, your family, your friends, your doctors, your staff, your parents, your relatives, your ex, your boyfriend whoever it will be, ALL the people you Love and you care about and who ALSO Love you anc care about you as well and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking!

Yes of course it is possible. I’d warn you against marrying if things aren’t great from the beginning or if you want to change someone

I've only just now been able to sign in to the website since my last post. Apologies for the late responses.

Whoa that's great. I feel like I have so many questions I have no idea where to start, but, I guess my most burning question is, when people say that marriage is hard work, what would you say that entails? I've been thinking some more about this and questioning whether I'm emotionally equipped for it.

Thanks a lot for this response. When I think about my past relationships, none of the guys were bad people, I was never abused aside from once being forced to do life changing things I wasn't ready for, and the guys were all very in love and did not want to break up. But none of these relationships lasted over 2 years because I would find that months in there were "red flags", like slight betrayal of trust, feeling like the other person was no longer willing to put in effort etc. Even if I tried to wait it out for things to change, I would get a nagging feeling telling me something was off. Do you think, say, 7 months into a relationship is normal time for the nature of a relationship to change? I've found myself questioning whether I just have commitment issues or have been choosing the wrong partners. Also, what kind of qualities in a male partner would you say are most vital for maintaining and enjoying a long term relationship?

(I hope this is okay for me to ask. I feel I can learn a lot from someone who seems long term relationships as a norm.)

Thanks dear! I appreciate your kind words, thoughtful ones too and willingness to help! Maybe I just might continue looking for Mr. Right!

Thanks. Totally makes sense. How long is considered, "the beginning"?

Not sure what part you are confused on. Beginning meaning start of a relationship before committing fully.. I meant in the beginning when you meet and start dating, things have to be good, there is no point to go on if things aren’t good.

Sometimes people meet someone and date them and things aren’t good yet people keep seeing each other and even marry and think it will improve. It doesn’t improve. Then they are surprised they have bad marriage.

It was bad in the beginning, when they were still dating before they got married, so why would it get great all of a sudden? Things have to be good from the start.. What you see is what you get.

In your situation sticking around in hopes it will improve is a waste of time imho. No such thing as “destined”. Things are either good or they aren’t.

No I see no point to put up with or endure anything that isn’t good. What for? Sure things happen in long term marriage such as illnesses and finances and job losses and issue with kids or in laws and sometimes people do have to endure.

But you two aren’t even married and you already have to “endure”. Imho no point in doing so. There is someone out there with whom you will not have to “put up with or endure”.

divine1966 provided some really important information, in my view. No one should ever feel they are "settling" for something that they aren't 100% sure of.

I definitely know many long-term happy marriages. I've been with my husband for about 23 years, and never ever wanted to quit him, for more than maybe 15 minutes. And that was while we were dating over 21 years ago. Definitely when we married, I was 110% sure I wanted to be with him forever. Ditto for him. Of course many couples may feel like that and yet still stuff happens further down the pike, but I think it's less likely if both in a couple have a certain attitude about relationships. What makes my marriage strong is that we understand each others weaknesses and bad points, but find them small potatoes when looking at the big picture. Sure, there were numerous things that annoyed me about my husband and definitely vice versa. But again, they were very small potatoes in the long run. But sometimes couples are tested when not so small potatoes come up. And they do. That's where the strength of the love and dedication is crucial.

My husband has been known to hold grudges against people, but never against me. I almost never hold grudges, and can't imagine holding a grudge against my husband. I don't like to fight, and yet I don't hold things in, either. That's definitely helpful in our relationship. Also, I tend to "give in" more than he does. Yes, that sometimes sucks, but it helps keep peace. And frankly, I usually don't mind "giving in" in the long run, anyway. I'm a laissez faire type person who makes the most of whatever situation comes my way. However, when I am extremely firm on something, my husband does give in. That's the beauty of our give and take. There isn't really a one-sidedness to our relationship, in my view. I feel our contributions are mostly equal, in the long run.

A great thing about my husband and me is that we are independent-minded and generally self-confident types. I'm probably even more self-confident than him. We respect that in each other. It allows us a certain freedom and yet we always WANT to be together because being together enriches our lives.

I was 26 when I married my husband. I am his second wife. He was 38 when he married me. So you being 28 is not exactly missing the boat on a potential long-term loving relationship. My husband often tells me I'm much easier to live with than his first wife. I can imagine I am, even despite my mental health issues.

Hey @astoldbyginger:
I am not sure what other people mean when they say marriage is hard work because I suspect that its subjective. For me, it meant changing and growing together and not apart or separately. I am an alcoholic in recovery and it was an adjustment for my husband to go from walking on egg shells and cleaning up my messes to letting me go to AA and working on myself completely. He knew logically that it was necessary but still would get irritated sometimes when I was heading out to a meeting and our kids all had homework to do. I remember sitting down with him once and telling him that if he wanted stability instead of chaos and liked the honest, accountable, new me then he had to let me do things that helped me get that way. I assured him that I wasnt neglecting him and even suggested he try al-anon. He started therapy. I am a completely different person in a good way and he grew with me. I think a lot of couples come to a cross roads in their relationships for a variety of reasons and change themselves without any thought or concern for how those changes affect the partner. Love means responding. Love is an action word.

Quote:

Originally Posted by astoldbyginger I've only just now been able to sign in to the website since my last post. Apologies for the late responses. Whoa that's great. I feel like I have so many questions I have no idea where to start, but, I guess my most burning question is, when people say that marriage is hard work, what would you say that entails? I've been thinking some more about this and questioning whether I'm emotionally equipped for it.

Hi Divine, the confused face was for my own confusion on when is "normal" for issues to come up in a relationship. You gave a very thorough explanation. Thanks for that.

"...being together enriches our lives." That is such a great thing to hear. I've had experiences where the co-dependency was a bit stressful and was made to feel like my being an independent minded person wasn't good for a relationship.

It sounds like you and your husband have a wonderful relationship. Exactly the kind that makes me feel like giving up on finding a long-term companion is not something I should do just yet. Thanks a lot for sharing you guys' story, I've learnt a lot from it. It's nice that you and your partner found each other.

All the guys I have dated have been within my age group (1 year older than me to a few months younger), I've sometimes felt maybe dating older men could be a better option for me. But I'll see. Thanks again!

People’s real nature is usually revealing itself pretty soon in relationships. Few months the most. Unless someone is complete scammer and con-artist, then it maybe could go on longer, otherwise it’s pretty obvious. The trick is to pay attention.

I don’t think age matters. Unless you do prefer older men, I don’t think specific age will matter at all

Certainly you shouldn’t give up at 28. In fact this is just a start for looking for serious relationships. Many people aren’t even considering it at younger age.

Thanks for sharing @sarahsweets. I totally get what you mean about things being suggestive. The insight you and others have shared into your own experiences have helped to put things in perspective for me.

"I think a lot of couples come to a cross roads in their relationships for a variety of reasons and change themselves without any thought or concern for how those changes affect the partner." --- Interesting point here as well. The idea of people changing in long term relationships is also something I've thought a lot about, as I am someone who goes through transformations a lot and is constantly evolving. I will need to be mindful of being more considerate about how this might affect a partner.

Ahh @divine1966. I get that. My dating people for a few months and letting them go when thoughts that it won't last come about, isn't something I should feel bad about. It was just weighing on my conscience the past few weeks and making me feel like I might have commitment issues. I need to figure out, hope, pray.. something, to attract the person who is right for me.

True. I've always known that age should not matter. I have considered though that maybe the maturity I seek is in an older man. But you are right, age does not equal maturity.

Thanks for that! I'm not going to give up. Have just been a bit down on myself lately. I wasn't thinking about marriage in my teens and early 20s tbh. So I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that I attracted partners who weren't the best fit.