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Old 09-11-2019, 01:57 AM   #11
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Default Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

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I am not sure how being in unnecessary pain is fostering development.
Honestly, it's not at all unusual for partners to struggle at first, even if it's just with jealousy and not anxiety. If I have some techniques to use I hope I can get through this. The thing is the same abandonment issues I have would affect our relationship even if we were monogamous and that worries me as I think it could lead to controlling and suspicious behaviour over time, I would rather root them out now even if it hurts for a while the hurt will diminish I hope. I know I may find my hopes are not correct, as a depressive it's easy for me to look at the negatives, but I fight that tendency too so why should I not also fight my other limitations - I do not want either of us to be held back by them. I have a lot of will power and have become a pretty resilient and adaptable person over time as I have had to be - my traumas don't determine me and I am far more than them.

Last edited by Carmina; 09-11-2019 at 02:38 AM..
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Old 09-11-2019, 04:29 AM   #12
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Default Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

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. I am not sure how being in unnecessary pain is fostering development.
Also on this specific issue I know she loves me and will come back to me always - we are in this for life. My emotions just need to catch up with my rationality, that is where my struggle lies and experiencing her keeping coming back to me again and again, and me keeping coming back to her once I have partners too, and both of us feeling that love, I can't think of a better way to foster my development in relation to attachment and abandonment issues really.
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Old 09-13-2019, 06:29 AM   #13
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Attention Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

She is going to see her other lover again this weekend so any help would be appreciated. i have a session lined up with my art therapist tomorrow and have some activities planned including walking tomorrow and going to the cinema in the evening, then Sunday I will probably spend painting as it allows me to rechannel feelings of self-harm into something creative and engage directly with my feelings. We sent the last 2 days and nights together and made love more tenderly and beautifully than ever several times - it really allowed us to rebond and for me to feel our love and connection physically - i think my anxiety is on a very embodied level so just being told "I love you" or me trying to use cognitive techniques doesnt entirely work, I need to rewire stuff that is hard-wired into my nervous system and responses going back to early childhood.

Last edited by Carmina; 09-13-2019 at 07:39 AM..
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Old 09-13-2019, 06:33 AM   #14
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Default Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

I did also have a date lined up for myself but that has fallen through which is a bit of a worry as I was hoping that would help during the night which will be hardest - I'll just have to take a sleeping pill I guess
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Old 09-13-2019, 09:34 PM   #15
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Default Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

Are you practicing safe sex? Her sleeping with other people is very dangerous, I hope you are careful. I am not sure what exact help you need.
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Old Today, 02:43 PM   #16
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Default Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

Really don't know what to do now. My partner has broken up with the guy she was seeing and has again offered to not pursue polyamory because she doesn't want to keep causing me pain, but I then feel selfish because that is restricting her freedom - she is not my property and I don't want her to feel she has to limit herself just for me. I think over time that is not healthy for our relationship and would lead to resentment and more guilt on my part. The problem here is we both love each other so each of us wants to do what is best for the other, even at our own expense, but obviously that is not possible. I'm hoping there must be some middle ground; from reading threads in Poly fora I can see these issues are not uncommon but people get through them. I just have the added issue of complex trauma.
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Old Today, 02:54 PM   #17
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Default Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

Having certain expectations or standards doesnít make one selfish. It makes one aware of what works for them and doesnít.

You donít have to own a person to have dealbreakers. I donít own my husband but him sleeping around wouldnít be something Iíd be interested in (if he expressed such desire hypothetically).

Honestly itís important to know yourself and your own nature. If you are into whatever stuff, then pursue it. But if you arenít into it, forcing it on yourself to prove something or pursue life style of someone elseís choice isnít going to work long run
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Old Today, 03:25 PM   #18
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Default Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

I am only open to monogamy but that doesn't mean I'd consider my partner property. I don't get why you said that.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe self soothing yourself in healthy ways and CBT. She is doing an act of love for you by offering not to see anyone. You don't want to be "selfish" but what's wrong with caring for yourself, and believing your partner when she says that its ok? or break up / take a break. That's also an option too.

Best wishes.
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Old Today, 04:39 PM   #19
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Default Re: C-PTSD and Polyamory

I may be stupid and unevolved and old-fashioned, but I just don't see how polyamory works in a 'committed' relationship of any kind. Because, by definition, the relationship isn't really very committed, is it? I was with a woman for ten years. After seven, I discovered she had had multiple 'boyfriends.' Maybe she was polyamorous, I don't know. But I do know it did not work for me. I left and didn't look back.

I see a person--you--doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to make something work for your partner that most folks would not be willing to do. It's great that you love each other. But as smart people have said over the millenia, love is not enough. I wish you all the best and hope your pain ends soon.
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