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SoSorry7735
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Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 21
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#1
I’m at a crossroad in my relationship and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, and it’s my first relationship (I’m 21). We’re both women, if it matters, and she’s 25. I love her so much, and she loves me too, and we’re best friends and can always laugh and have fun together.
But we have problems. The biggest one is that there’s no romance or passion in the relationship. We’ve talked about this, and while she agrees on the passion part, she doesn’t seem to think we lack romance, which is probably because I organize date nights and cute events to go to with her. But I’m really resentful that she doesn’t ever pick up the slack and take ME somewhere. I’m making the decisions (restaurants, which night, should we even go out at all) and I feel like the burden to get out of the house is always on me. We’ve talked about this and she’s going to try to make an effort but I don’t know. The second issue is sex. I’ve been the only one to initiate anything for 9 or 10 months, save for once last months because I told her she needed to do this once and a while, because I want to feel desired too. And when we do have sex, it isn’t passionate...it’s plain, and I’ve tried to spice things up several times with little reaction from her... I even tried that “mojo upgrade” quiz and she says she’s interested in new stuff but never INITIATED anything, whether it’s sex or something new. Again, the burden is on me. The last thing is that I’m constantly cooking for her and she doesn’t help or clean or ever make me food. She cleans the room to compensate, but I clean the room too, so. Lately I’ve stopped cooking because I don’t even eat what I’ve made her (eating disorder, blah blah too depressed). I get mad at her a lot because I’m resentful of all this. On top of it, i also feel like her career coach because she’s 25 and is still working in fast food (not that there’s anything wrong with this, but it’s not what she wants) and seeks out my counsel a lot about what to do. It’s too much for me, I have my own life and problems to solve and I don’t mind giving her advice, but she just plunges into things without thinking and I’m worried she’s going to waste tons of money in student loans because she’s not thinking things through. And I’m not sure if I wanna stay with her. She is my best friend but I often feel more like a sister or a friend than a girlfriend. I love her so much but I would also love to have a partner that seemed more self sufficient. I know how harsh that sounds. I feel terrible writing it. But I don’t want to be angry with her and hurt her just because I’m too afraid to leave. And she’s really great in some other ways and is so tolerant of all my mental health problems. I wish things were better. And I need some outside advice or words of wisdom, because if this relationship does need to end, I want it to end nicely. She’s a good person and doesn’t deserve to hurt. Thanks for reading. I know it’s long. |
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bpcyclist, lightly toasted, WovenGalaxy
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Junior Member
SoSorry7735
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Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 21
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#2
Any words of wisdom are welcome right now. I’m so sad and worried about this.
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Poohbah
luvyrself
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Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: Phoenix
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#3
Can’t find my long response.Havedonethisfor years. Get out.
__________________ Bipolar 2 with anxious distress mixed states & rapid cycling under severe stress tegretol 200 mg wellbutrin 75 mg, cut in half or higher dose as needed Regular aerobic exercise SKILLSET/KNOWLEDGE BASE: Family Medical Advocate Masters in Library Science Multiple Subject Teaching Credential-15 yrs in public schools |
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bpcyclist
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SoSorry7735
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sarahsweets
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Location: New Jersey
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#4
Hey @SoSorry7735-welcome. There is a lot to address in your post and I'll do my best.
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Personally I think you need to end it. You could be happy with someone else. This is your first relationship and you are young. You do not need to put up with this or be bogged down with such stress. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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luvyrself, WovenGalaxy
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Open Eyes
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#5
SoSorry,
I think what you need to hear is that it's ok to beak off the relationship with her even if you have a love for her. I love horses and have taught young children how to ride. Before these children learn about riding and get to experience/feel what different horses feel like, they have no idea what kind of horse will be a good fit for them or even that all horses are different. I have hopped on other people's horses and did not like the way the horse felt and how it was to ride at all. Yet, the other person was happy with it and enjoyed riding it. Had I not ridden other horses that I liked, I very well could have gotten on that one horse and thought that is what all horses felt like to ride. I have even seen horses I thought were very pretty too, yet did not feel the same way once I sat on them and rode them. Yet, I still do love horses and think they are amazing. Everything you shared is showing that this partner is simply NOT the right fit for you when it comes to having a relationship that is more than just that of a friend. From what you have shared this other young woman prefers to have a partner that pretty much does everything FOR her. That is not what YOU want to experience in a relationship. So, you can still try to be friends with her, but, that is all when it comes to her, nothing wrong with that. You will need to be the one to initiate a break up as well, because she is the kind that needs the other person to do that for her as well. Also, when it comes to horses this saying is true "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". Well, the same is true for people. Time to find someone different to have a deeper relationship with. |
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SoSorry7735
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Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 21
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#6
Quote:
Yeah, it's a bummer. When we were first together, she had no issues with this, and was initiating sex in a way I didn't enjoy. I told her I didn't like that and could she please do something else and...that's when she just stopped completely. She is trying to get better with this right now but she's only done it once in about a month. However, I'm not sure if I can really judge her on that because I've been so unhappy this month--she likely knew I didn't want sex anyways and wouldn't be receptive. I don't believe she's using me. We've had conversations about the future and planning, and I think she deals with a lot of anxiety when thinking about the future, to a paralyzing extent. She's very afraid to make moves forward. She is always there to listen and be supportive, both emotionally and in terms of helping me (being a study buddy, picking me up from the train station, cleaning), and we enjoy a lot of the same things. We have a lot of fun together--we go on vacations pretty often and have a blast exploring cities and going out and doing fun stuff. We have a really compatible sense of humor. She is the kindest and calmest person I've ever met--she hasn't EVER gotten angry at me, and frankly she's never said anything hurtful in nearly two years, which is wayyy better than I can say for myself. I know she loves me so much. I think she might love me more than I love her. I'm afraid to leave because I'm wondering if I'm just self sabotaging, and that I'll nitpick the next person to death, and the next person, and so on. And my dating pool is smaller than a straight persons is. And the good things about her outweighs the bad things. I think. I'm not sure. But the point is, I'm a perfectionist, and I'm worried that I'll be unhappy no matter who I'm with because I'll hone in on the things they aren't doing 'correctly'. I'm wondering if my expectations are too high. I don't really trust my own judgment about this. Also, thanks for you in depth answer. It feels so good to just talk about this stuff Edit: forgot to mention that I live with my mother (finishing up school), and my girlfriend lives with us. She pays my mom some rent. We have talked about what we would do if it were just me and her, and we'd do 50/50 on rent. Honestly though, I'd probably end up paying a bit more eventually because my (preferred) career path is reasonably lucrative. |
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WovenGalaxy
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sarahsweets, WovenGalaxy
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Junior Member
SoSorry7735
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Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 21
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#7
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I like your horse analogies. I used to ride a lot. I do feel like we have some issues, and half of me is saying "its an incompatibility" and the other half is saying "we could probably work on that". From what I've gathered about her previous relationships, it sounds like NEITHER person did anything romantic or put in serious effort. She told me they didn't even do anything for Valentines day, and that she sometimes forgot their anniversary. THAT would be a problem for me. She didn't get me a card or anything for valentines day last year and I was totally heartbroken I know it seems silly...but I coordinated reservations and found a really nice restaurant and got her something small and I just...felt so dumb. Like she just went along for the ride. And I got angry the next day and told her off about it. She said she felt really bad and just didn't "think about it" and that she wouldn't ever do that again. So the point of my tangent is this: does she just not understand how to be romantic? Can she learn? Should I give her some chances? She shows her love in other ways. She cleans the room and makes efforts to do things I enjoy with me, even if they aren't her favorite (specifically the gym, lol). She helps me with money since I'm a student (clothes, paying for dinner or brunch more often, paying for alcohol). If you look at my previous reply, I listed a lot of things that DO make us a good match. I know it may be hard to see here because I am complaining and venting, but she is a very good and kind person. |
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WovenGalaxy
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WovenGalaxy
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Open Eyes
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#8
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You seem to be struggling a lot with a back and forth and weighing and balancing. That uses up a lot of energy, you must be emotionally exhausted at times. |
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SoSorry7735
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Junior Member
SoSorry7735
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Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 21
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#9
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Bill3
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#10
It sounds like you lack clarity on this important decision. What if you wait until you have more clarity about it?
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Open Eyes, WovenGalaxy
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Junior Member
SoSorry7735
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Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 21
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#11
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Poohbah
luvyrself
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Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,280
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#12
Taking care of your own place takes a lot more. If you have to lead in everything in your own place , you will be exhausted.
I have done this for years. Do not take this on long term. __________________ Bipolar 2 with anxious distress mixed states & rapid cycling under severe stress tegretol 200 mg wellbutrin 75 mg, cut in half or higher dose as needed Regular aerobic exercise SKILLSET/KNOWLEDGE BASE: Family Medical Advocate Masters in Library Science Multiple Subject Teaching Credential-15 yrs in public schools |
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deekay1957
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Member Since: Oct 2019
Location: india
Posts: 9
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#13
One thing to remember is that nobody gets everything in life. One can either be satisfied with what they have or hunt for greener pastures which may turn out to be a mirage. In the process, one loses out on what they had earlier. I personally feel that you have a great compatible partner and should not desert her just for better prospects. Rather it would pay to explore if such minor differences and mutual expectations could be ironed out for mutual happiness and satisfaction. Remember, each one of us is different and unique and lovable for this very reason. And opposites do attract!
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peacelizard
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Member Since: Oct 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 257
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#14
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I know. Trust me. I was with my ex for approx. 6 years and it wasn't good for a long time, kinda like what you're going through. We both had (have) mental health issues and while I was getting help, she wasn't for whatever reason. And no matter what I did — be supportive, drive her everywhere, push her to do what she needed to do, get her a list of new therapists and psychiatrists, etc. But it didn't make a difference. If anything, it made it worse because I spent all that time and energy and it didn't get better. So, I finally got the courage to end it. Just my two cents, but you're young and obviously want a partner that's equally invested in the relationship. It sucks that she's having a hard time, whatever's going on, but that doesn't make it cross to bear at some point. And if she's not willing to help herself, let alone you, I'd say it's a done deal. |
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