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SoSorry7735
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 10:26 AM
  #1
I’m at a crossroad in my relationship and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, and it’s my first relationship (I’m 21). We’re both women, if it matters, and she’s 25. I love her so much, and she loves me too, and we’re best friends and can always laugh and have fun together.

But we have problems. The biggest one is that there’s no romance or passion in the relationship. We’ve talked about this, and while she agrees on the passion part, she doesn’t seem to think we lack romance, which is probably because I organize date nights and cute events to go to with her. But I’m really resentful that she doesn’t ever pick up the slack and take ME somewhere. I’m making the decisions (restaurants, which night, should we even go out at all) and I feel like the burden to get out of the house is always on me. We’ve talked about this and she’s going to try to make an effort but I don’t know.

The second issue is sex. I’ve been the only one to initiate anything for 9 or 10 months, save for once last months because I told her she needed to do this once and a while, because I want to feel desired too. And when we do have sex, it isn’t passionate...it’s plain, and I’ve tried to spice things up several times with little reaction from her... I even tried that “mojo upgrade” quiz and she says she’s interested in new stuff but never INITIATED anything, whether it’s sex or something new. Again, the burden is on me.

The last thing is that I’m constantly cooking for her and she doesn’t help or clean or ever make me food. She cleans the room to compensate, but I clean the room too, so. Lately I’ve stopped cooking because I don’t even eat what I’ve made her (eating disorder, blah blah too depressed).

I get mad at her a lot because I’m resentful of all this. On top of it, i also feel like her career coach because she’s 25 and is still working in fast food (not that there’s anything wrong with this, but it’s not what she wants) and seeks out my counsel a lot about what to do. It’s too much for me, I have my own life and problems to solve and I don’t mind giving her advice, but she just plunges into things without thinking and I’m worried she’s going to waste tons of money in student loans because she’s not thinking things through.

And I’m not sure if I wanna stay with her. She is my best friend but I often feel more like a sister or a friend than a girlfriend. I love her so much but I would also love to have a partner that seemed more self sufficient. I know how harsh that sounds. I feel terrible writing it.

But I don’t want to be angry with her and hurt her just because I’m too afraid to leave. And she’s really great in some other ways and is so tolerant of all my mental health problems. I wish things were better. And I need some outside advice or words of wisdom, because if this relationship does need to end, I want it to end nicely. She’s a good person and doesn’t deserve to hurt.

Thanks for reading. I know it’s long.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 11:53 AM
  #2
Any words of wisdom are welcome right now. I’m so sad and worried about this.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 12:35 PM
  #3
Can’t find my long response.Havedonethisfor years. Get out.

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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 01:35 PM
  #4
Hey @SoSorry7735-welcome. There is a lot to address in your post and I'll do my best.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoSorry7735 View Post
But we have problems. The biggest one is that there’s no romance or passion in the relationship. We’ve talked about this, and while she agrees on the passion part, she doesn’t seem to think we lack romance,
Has she given you examples as to why she doesnt think romance is an issue? I understand that you are planning things but what does she say that makes her think the romance is there?
Quote:
But I’m really resentful that she doesn’t ever pick up the slack and take ME somewhere. I’m making the decisions (restaurants, which night, should we even go out at all) and I feel like the burden to get out of the house is always on me. We’ve talked about this and she’s going to try to make an effort but I don’t know.
Resentment is a loaded emotion. It goes beyond the word resentment.
Quote:

Definitions of
resentment
1
na feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will
Synonyms:
bitterness, gall, rancor, rancour
Types:
hide 7 types...
heartburning
intense resentment
huffishness, sulkiness
a feeling of sulky resentment
grievance, grudge, score
a resentment strong enough to justify retaliation
enviousness, envy
a feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another
covetousness
an envious eagerness to possess something
green-eyed monster, jealousy
a feeling of jealous envy (especially of a rival)
penis envy
(psychoanalysis) a female's presumed envy of the male's penis; said to explain femininity
Type of:
enmity, hostility, ill will
the feeling of a hostile person
Quote:
Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time.
Quote:
The second issue is sex. I’ve been the only one to initiate anything for 9 or 10 months, save for once last months because I told her she needed to do this once and a while, because I want to feel desired too. And when we do have sex, it isn’t passionate...it’s plain, and I’ve tried to spice things up several times with little reaction from her... I even tried that “mojo upgrade” quiz and she says she’s interested in new stuff but never INITIATED anything, whether it’s sex or something new. Again, the burden is on me.
This also causes resentment, not to mention a hit on your self esteem. of course you want your partner to want you and desire you. Frankly, if you have stated your needs in this area and she has ignored them I do not see
Quote:
I get mad at her a lot because I’m resentful of all this. On top of it, i also feel like her career coach because she’s 25 and is still working in fast food (not that there’s anything wrong with this, but it’s not what she wants) and seeks out my counsel a lot about what to do. It’s too much for me, I have my own life and problems to solve and I don’t mind giving her advice, but she just plunges into things without thinking and I’m worried she’s going to waste tons of money in student loans because she’s not thinking things through.
No offense but it seems like she is using you. It is her job to do these things yet she seems to expect that you will hold her hand and do them for her. How much does she really want to change? Who supports the household or is it equal?
Quote:
And I’m not sure if I wanna stay with her.
This says it all.

Quote:
She is my best friend
How is she your best friend? it sounds like you are her best friend but not the other way around.

Quote:
I love her so much but I would also love to have a partner that seemed more self sufficient. I know how harsh that sounds. I feel terrible writing it.
As much as we humans want to believe in love, it simply isnt enough. You can love her all you want and still be unhappy.

Quote:
But I don’t want to be angry with her and hurt her just because I’m too afraid to leave.
Why are you afraid to leave?

Quote:
And she’s really great in some other ways and is so tolerant of all my mental health problems.
Do not lay that guilt on yourself. Being tolerant is not a divine gift, its supposed to come from a place of selfless love.
Personally I think you need to end it. You could be happy with someone else. This is your first relationship and you are young. You do not need to put up with this or be bogged down with such stress.

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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 01:57 PM
  #5
SoSorry,

I think what you need to hear is that it's ok to beak off the relationship with her even if you have a love for her.

I love horses and have taught young children how to ride. Before these children learn about riding and get to experience/feel what different horses feel like, they have no idea what kind of horse will be a good fit for them or even that all horses are different. I have hopped on other people's horses and did not like the way the horse felt and how it was to ride at all. Yet, the other person was happy with it and enjoyed riding it. Had I not ridden other horses that I liked, I very well could have gotten on that one horse and thought that is what all horses felt like to ride. I have even seen horses I thought were very pretty too, yet did not feel the same way once I sat on them and rode them. Yet, I still do love horses and think they are amazing.

Everything you shared is showing that this partner is simply NOT the right fit for you when it comes to having a relationship that is more than just that of a friend. From what you have shared this other young woman prefers to have a partner that pretty much does everything FOR her. That is not what YOU want to experience in a relationship. So, you can still try to be friends with her, but, that is all when it comes to her, nothing wrong with that. You will need to be the one to initiate a break up as well, because she is the kind that needs the other person to do that for her as well.

Also, when it comes to horses this saying is true "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". Well, the same is true for people.

Time to find someone different to have a deeper relationship with.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 02:48 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @SoSorry7735-welcome. There is a lot to address in your post and I'll do my best.

Has she given you examples as to why she doesnt think romance is an issue? I understand that you are planning things but what does she say that makes her think the romance is there?
Resentment is a loaded emotion. It goes beyond the word resentment.


This also causes resentment, not to mention a hit on your self esteem. of course you want your partner to want you and desire you. Frankly, if you have stated your needs in this area and she has ignored them I do not see

No offense but it seems like she is using you. It is her job to do these things yet she seems to expect that you will hold her hand and do them for her. How much does she really want to change? Who supports the household or is it equal?

This says it all.

How is she your best friend? it sounds like you are her best friend but not the other way around.

As much as we humans want to believe in love, it simply isnt enough. You can love her all you want and still be unhappy.

Why are you afraid to leave?

Do not lay that guilt on yourself. Being tolerant is not a divine gift, its supposed to come from a place of selfless love.
Personally I think you need to end it. You could be happy with someone else. This is your first relationship and you are young. You do not need to put up with this or be bogged down with such stress.
Not exactly. It may be because I do cute things (write notes, sweet texts, date nights) way more often than she does. She wrote me a little note once or twice when I mentioned that I was starting to feel stupid doing all these little gestures and getting very little back.

Yeah, it's a bummer. When we were first together, she had no issues with this, and was initiating sex in a way I didn't enjoy. I told her I didn't like that and could she please do something else and...that's when she just stopped completely. She is trying to get better with this right now but she's only done it once in about a month. However, I'm not sure if I can really judge her on that because I've been so unhappy this month--she likely knew I didn't want sex anyways and wouldn't be receptive.

I don't believe she's using me. We've had conversations about the future and planning, and I think she deals with a lot of anxiety when thinking about the future, to a paralyzing extent. She's very afraid to make moves forward.

She is always there to listen and be supportive, both emotionally and in terms of helping me (being a study buddy, picking me up from the train station, cleaning), and we enjoy a lot of the same things. We have a lot of fun together--we go on vacations pretty often and have a blast exploring cities and going out and doing fun stuff. We have a really compatible sense of humor. She is the kindest and calmest person I've ever met--she hasn't EVER gotten angry at me, and frankly she's never said anything hurtful in nearly two years, which is wayyy better than I can say for myself. I know she loves me so much. I think she might love me more than I love her.

I'm afraid to leave because I'm wondering if I'm just self sabotaging, and that I'll nitpick the next person to death, and the next person, and so on. And my dating pool is smaller than a straight persons is. And the good things about her outweighs the bad things. I think. I'm not sure. But the point is, I'm a perfectionist, and I'm worried that I'll be unhappy no matter who I'm with because I'll hone in on the things they aren't doing 'correctly'. I'm wondering if my expectations are too high. I don't really trust my own judgment about this.

Also, thanks for you in depth answer. It feels so good to just talk about this stuff

Edit: forgot to mention that I live with my mother (finishing up school), and my girlfriend lives with us. She pays my mom some rent. We have talked about what we would do if it were just me and her, and we'd do 50/50 on rent. Honestly though, I'd probably end up paying a bit more eventually because my (preferred) career path is reasonably lucrative.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 03:00 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
SoSorry,

I think what you need to hear is that it's ok to beak off the relationship with her even if you have a love for her.

I love horses and have taught young children how to ride. Before these children learn about riding and get to experience/feel what different horses feel like, they have no idea what kind of horse will be a good fit for them or even that all horses are different. I have hopped on other people's horses and did not like the way the horse felt and how it was to ride at all. Yet, the other person was happy with it and enjoyed riding it. Had I not ridden other horses that I liked, I very well could have gotten on that one horse and thought that is what all horses felt like to ride. I have even seen horses I thought were very pretty too, yet did not feel the same way once I sat on them and rode them. Yet, I still do love horses and think they are amazing.

Everything you shared is showing that this partner is simply NOT the right fit for you when it comes to having a relationship that is more than just that of a friend. From what you have shared this other young woman prefers to have a partner that pretty much does everything FOR her. That is not what YOU want to experience in a relationship. So, you can still try to be friends with her, but, that is all when it comes to her, nothing wrong with that. You will need to be the one to initiate a break up as well, because she is the kind that needs the other person to do that for her as well.

Also, when it comes to horses this saying is true "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". Well, the same is true for people.

Time to find someone different to have a deeper relationship with.
I really don't want to break up with her It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. I love her so much.

I like your horse analogies. I used to ride a lot. I do feel like we have some issues, and half of me is saying "its an incompatibility" and the other half is saying "we could probably work on that".

From what I've gathered about her previous relationships, it sounds like NEITHER person did anything romantic or put in serious effort. She told me they didn't even do anything for Valentines day, and that she sometimes forgot their anniversary. THAT would be a problem for me. She didn't get me a card or anything for valentines day last year and I was totally heartbroken I know it seems silly...but I coordinated reservations and found a really nice restaurant and got her something small and I just...felt so dumb. Like she just went along for the ride. And I got angry the next day and told her off about it. She said she felt really bad and just didn't "think about it" and that she wouldn't ever do that again.

So the point of my tangent is this: does she just not understand how to be romantic? Can she learn? Should I give her some chances?

She shows her love in other ways. She cleans the room and makes efforts to do things I enjoy with me, even if they aren't her favorite (specifically the gym, lol). She helps me with money since I'm a student (clothes, paying for dinner or brunch more often, paying for alcohol).

If you look at my previous reply, I listed a lot of things that DO make us a good match. I know it may be hard to see here because I am complaining and venting, but she is a very good and kind person.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 03:42 PM
  #8
Quote:
But the point is, I'm a perfectionist, and I'm worried that I'll be unhappy no matter who I'm with because I'll hone in on the things they aren't doing 'correctly'. I'm wondering if my expectations are too high. I don't really trust my own judgment about this.
This is an important thing to recognize about yourself. It's true that you will never find another person that is perfect, just doesn't exist.

You seem to be struggling a lot with a back and forth and weighing and balancing. That uses up a lot of energy, you must be emotionally exhausted at times.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 03:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
This is an important thing to recognize about yourself. It's true that you will never find another person that is perfect, just doesn't exist.

You seem to be struggling a lot with a back and forth and weighing and balancing. That uses up a lot of energy, you must be emotionally exhausted at times.
Yeah I'm tired haha. I don't know what to think anymore, I know there will be cons in any relationship, so I'm trying to figure out if I can live with these specific cons--or if these specific cons are worse than what most people would deal with.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 04:13 PM
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It sounds like you lack clarity on this important decision. What if you wait until you have more clarity about it?
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 04:41 PM
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It sounds like you lack clarity on this important decision. What if you wait until you have more clarity about it?
Yes I will, I'm not doing anything right now, but I have expressed my unhappiness to her. Hopefully time will provide clarity.
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Default Oct 18, 2019 at 07:07 PM
  #12
Taking care of your own place takes a lot more. If you have to lead in everything in your own place , you will be exhausted.
I have done this for years. Do not take this on long term.

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Heart Oct 21, 2019 at 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by SoSorry7735 View Post
Any words of wisdom are welcome right now. I’m so sad and worried about this.
One thing to remember is that nobody gets everything in life. One can either be satisfied with what they have or hunt for greener pastures which may turn out to be a mirage. In the process, one loses out on what they had earlier. I personally feel that you have a great compatible partner and should not desert her just for better prospects. Rather it would pay to explore if such minor differences and mutual expectations could be ironed out for mutual happiness and satisfaction. Remember, each one of us is different and unique and lovable for this very reason. And opposites do attract!
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Default Oct 21, 2019 at 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted by SoSorry7735 View Post
I’m at a crossroad in my relationship and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, and it’s my first relationship (I’m 21). We’re both women, if it matters, and she’s 25. I love her so much, and she loves me too, and we’re best friends and can always laugh and have fun together.


But we have problems. The biggest one is that there’s no romance or passion in the relationship. We’ve talked about this, and while she agrees on the passion part, she doesn’t seem to think we lack romance, which is probably because I organize date nights and cute events to go to with her. But I’m really resentful that she doesn’t ever pick up the slack and take ME somewhere. I’m making the decisions (restaurants, which night, should we even go out at all) and I feel like the burden to get out of the house is always on me. We’ve talked about this and she’s going to try to make an effort but I don’t know.


The second issue is sex. I’ve been the only one to initiate anything for 9 or 10 months, save for once last months because I told her she needed to do this once and a while, because I want to feel desired too. And when we do have sex, it isn’t passionate...it’s plain, and I’ve tried to spice things up several times with little reaction from her... I even tried that “mojo upgrade” quiz and she says she’s interested in new stuff but never INITIATED anything, whether it’s sex or something new. Again, the burden is on me.


The last thing is that I’m constantly cooking for her and she doesn’t help or clean or ever make me food. She cleans the room to compensate, but I clean the room too, so. Lately I’ve stopped cooking because I don’t even eat what I’ve made her (eating disorder, blah blah too depressed).


I get mad at her a lot because I’m resentful of all this. On top of it, i also feel like her career coach because she’s 25 and is still working in fast food (not that there’s anything wrong with this, but it’s not what she wants) and seeks out my counsel a lot about what to do. It’s too much for me, I have my own life and problems to solve and I don’t mind giving her advice, but she just plunges into things without thinking and I’m worried she’s going to waste tons of money in student loans because she’s not thinking things through.


And I’m not sure if I wanna stay with her. She is my best friend but I often feel more like a sister or a friend than a girlfriend. I love her so much but I would also love to have a partner that seemed more self sufficient. I know how harsh that sounds. I feel terrible writing it.


But I don’t want to be angry with her and hurt her just because I’m too afraid to leave. And she’s really great in some other ways and is so tolerant of all my mental health problems. I wish things were better. And I need some outside advice or words of wisdom, because if this relationship does need to end, I want it to end nicely. She’s a good person and doesn’t deserve to hurt.


Thanks for reading. I know it’s long.
Short and simple: cut it off. Whether she's going through her own stuff and that's impacting the relationship or something changed for her and she's checked out, you can be supportive, but you can't do things for her. And the more supportive you are, while noble, is hurting you in the long run.

I know. Trust me. I was with my ex for approx. 6 years and it wasn't good for a long time, kinda like what you're going through. We both had (have) mental health issues and while I was getting help, she wasn't for whatever reason. And no matter what I did — be supportive, drive her everywhere, push her to do what she needed to do, get her a list of new therapists and psychiatrists, etc. But it didn't make a difference. If anything, it made it worse because I spent all that time and energy and it didn't get better. So, I finally got the courage to end it.

Just my two cents, but you're young and obviously want a partner that's equally invested in the relationship. It sucks that she's having a hard time, whatever's going on, but that doesn't make it cross to bear at some point. And if she's not willing to help herself, let alone you, I'd say it's a done deal.
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