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Default Sep 09, 2019 at 11:27 AM
  #1
My partner and I are exploring polyamory and I am on board in principle but as someone with C-PTSD I am struggling when she is away on dates. I try to be strong and am able to show compersion towards her, I do find the idea of her being sexually empowered arousing, but when I am on my own I really struggle with separation anxiety and at times I want to self-harm but can't because she will see the cuts. I have tried distraction but tbh I just can't concentrate on anything when I'm like this and just keep having panic attacks and breaking down in tears, it's just bringing up lots of childhood trauma. Some people advise facing your fears but when your fears are as dark as mine and based on real traumas I'd really rather not, ideally I'd like someone to cuddle me but don't have anyone I can turn to yet. Anyone else been in this situation, how do you cope? I want to not be a mess when she comes home so she doesn't feel guilty.
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Default Sep 09, 2019 at 12:18 PM
  #2
I am so sorry you're hurting, @Carmina! Do you think Polyamory may just not be the suited lifestyle for you? It does seem like you want some company, and of course there's ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that... but perhaps it's best to be honest with your partner and tell her the truth. Tell her that you're feeling alone and that you're struggling. Hopefully she'll understand what you mean and perhaps you'll be able to come to an agreement. Please discuss this with her. Communication is FUNDAMENTAL in EVERY relationship after all! You may also want to see a therapist if these feelings continue although I don't think it's necessary in this case. I'd suggest to talk to her first and decide where do you want to go with her from there. So yes, definitely talk things through with her! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to. I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well if you just ask! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Carmina, your partner, your family, your friends, your doctors and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking!
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Default Sep 09, 2019 at 12:29 PM
  #3
Thankyou - tbh she has offered to go non poly with me because she knows it hurts and doesn't want to hurt me but I can't stand the thought of stifling her freedom and it would hurt me just as much to feel I had crushed something that is very precious to her just for my own selfish needs and insecurities so I talked her out of it because I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't really what she wanted, she was just prepared to sacrifice herself for me which isn't what I want at all much as I love her for it.

Also ultimately I do want poly partners myself - I think there is a lot in Polyamory to attract people with C-PTSD because if it works out you end up surrounded by love which is very comforting but no gain without pain and that's what I need to get through. If I can keep my focus on the benefits and on her joy it's fine but I keep going inwards and breaking apart. However I need a way through it, I am not going to give in.

btw I do already have an art therapist who is very supportive. I guess if I found another lover for this weekend it would solve a lot for me but I'm quite shy and not as beautiful as my partner (well she says I am but I don't know)
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Default Sep 09, 2019 at 01:07 PM
  #4
Hey @Carmina
Do you truly understand polyamory and what it entails?
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Originally Posted by Carmina View Post
Thankyou - tbh she has offered to go non poly with me because she knows it hurts and doesn't want to hurt me but I can't stand the thought of stifling her freedom and it would hurt me just as much to feel I had crushed something that is very precious to her just for my own selfish needs and insecurities so I talked her out of it because I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't really what she wanted, she was just prepared to sacrifice herself for me which isn't what I want at all much as I love her for it.

Also ultimately I do want poly partners myself - I think there is a lot in Polyamory to attract people with C-PTSD because if it works out you end up surrounded by love which is very comforting but no gain without pain and that's what I need to get through. If I can keep my focus on the benefits and on her joy it's fine but I keep going inwards and breaking apart. However I need a way through it, I am not going to give in.

btw I do already have an art therapist who is very supportive. I guess if I found another lover for this weekend it would solve a lot for me but I'm quite shy and not as beautiful as my partner (well she says I am but I don't know)

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Default Sep 09, 2019 at 01:19 PM
  #5
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Hey @Carmina
Do you truly understand polyamory and what it entails?
We are relatively new to it but we both understand that it isn't just about sex but genuine loving connections with others that over time evolves into a network of connections with varying degrees and shades of loving. Ethical non monogamy may be a better term.

Both of us for various reasons have historically struggled with sex-based relationships in the past. Now we have found love and realised our own capacity for love we want to widen our relationship not keep it narrow.

I'm sure we have much to learn though, we intend to do this in order to learn in fact
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Default Sep 10, 2019 at 03:08 AM
  #6
Sounds like you choosing a life style that brings you way too much suffering. When you two first met did you know she wants this life style? You seem to be doing it because she wants it and because you think in theory it will make you happy too. It doesn’t sound like a life style for you imho
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Default Sep 10, 2019 at 10:59 AM
  #7
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Sounds like you choosing a life style that brings you way too much suffering. When you two first met did you know she wants this life style? You seem to be doing it because she wants it and because you think in theory it will make you happy too. It doesn’t sound like a life style for you imho
Yeah I know and it isn't easy but I wouldn't be without her and know that these challenges for me are addressing issues I need to face anyway so I can either use this is a development opportunity or I can go and hide somewhere and probably miss out on the love of my life (which she is). She wasn't poly when we met but became attracted to the idea a few months ago.

Honestly I am sick of being a victim, sick of hiding from life, sick of being dominated into submission by a woman who died last year (mother).

Last edited by Carmina; Sep 10, 2019 at 11:51 AM..
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Default Sep 10, 2019 at 08:23 PM
  #8
I understand not wanting to be a victim yet you are suffering at home while your partner enjoying herself on a date. It seems like a very big sacrifice. I am not sure how being in unnecessary pain is fostering development. Nothing wrong with polyamory of course if it brings enjoyment. If not, I see no point in it. Just my opinion of course. You deserve happiness
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Default Sep 10, 2019 at 08:36 PM
  #9
This doesn't sound like true polyamory.

My best friend is going through a poly phase, yet when she finds "the one" there's no room for anyone else, she's devoted to that one person. She's afraid she's not getting everything she needs from one person, so she dates multiple people in hopes to fill a void she's not getting.

I hate to say this, but it doesn't sound like you are truly fulfilling her needs if she feels she needs other people to have her needs fulfilled. I think it's a temporary phase. If she loves you, she will come back to you, but I think at this point, instead of going through the motions of casual sex and false love because she's doing the same, look at yourself and what you're not giving her that makes her want to pursue other people and work on that.

Let me be clear, you are NOT a horrible person (and neither is she), but there is something going on that you need to work on to better yourself not just for her but for you as well. If you work on yourself, your relationship with her will be stronger for it.
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Default Sep 11, 2019 at 01:52 AM
  #10
The whole point of poly is it's a myth that one person can satisfy your every need, or even should try to. tbh I came here to ask for coping strategies not to be talked out of poly so I would appreciate it if people didn't keep trying to do that, I know you mean well but it undermines my resolve a bit. Thanks. I do know that in the end it might be no matter what I do I can't cope but I think it's important for both of us that I at least make the attempt. I think this series has been useful for me:

Polyamory and Mental Illness Blog Series

In the one on PTSD it states:

Quote:
Severe trauma and stress related disorders demand a huge amount of time, energy, and compassion. Polyamory can work with severe trauma and stress related disorders—in fact, a healthy polycule can make the disorder easier for everyone involved and help the person with the disorder heal. But it is definitely not a relationship that is right for everyone.
So I know in the end I may find this is not for me, but I also know that potentially it could be a healing experience for me, I love the idea of being surrounded by love - we both have had a lot of trauma in our past - this is something I feel I should at least try to work through, I'm not so stupid as to be blinded to the fact that it might not work out but our love is really strong and we take strength from each other, so I think there is a chance at least.

Last edited by Carmina; Sep 11, 2019 at 02:19 AM..
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Default Sep 11, 2019 at 01:57 AM
  #11
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I am not sure how being in unnecessary pain is fostering development.
Honestly, it's not at all unusual for partners to struggle at first, even if it's just with jealousy and not anxiety. If I have some techniques to use I hope I can get through this. The thing is the same abandonment issues I have would affect our relationship even if we were monogamous and that worries me as I think it could lead to controlling and suspicious behaviour over time, I would rather root them out now even if it hurts for a while the hurt will diminish I hope. I know I may find my hopes are not correct, as a depressive it's easy for me to look at the negatives, but I fight that tendency too so why should I not also fight my other limitations - I do not want either of us to be held back by them. I have a lot of will power and have become a pretty resilient and adaptable person over time as I have had to be - my traumas don't determine me and I am far more than them.

Last edited by Carmina; Sep 11, 2019 at 02:38 AM..
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Default Sep 11, 2019 at 04:29 AM
  #12
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. I am not sure how being in unnecessary pain is fostering development.
Also on this specific issue I know she loves me and will come back to me always - we are in this for life. My emotions just need to catch up with my rationality, that is where my struggle lies and experiencing her keeping coming back to me again and again, and me keeping coming back to her once I have partners too, and both of us feeling that love, I can't think of a better way to foster my development in relation to attachment and abandonment issues really.
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Attention Sep 13, 2019 at 06:29 AM
  #13
She is going to see her other lover again this weekend so any help would be appreciated. i have a session lined up with my art therapist tomorrow and have some activities planned including walking tomorrow and going to the cinema in the evening, then Sunday I will probably spend painting as it allows me to rechannel feelings of self-harm into something creative and engage directly with my feelings. We sent the last 2 days and nights together and made love more tenderly and beautifully than ever several times - it really allowed us to rebond and for me to feel our love and connection physically - i think my anxiety is on a very embodied level so just being told "I love you" or me trying to use cognitive techniques doesnt entirely work, I need to rewire stuff that is hard-wired into my nervous system and responses going back to early childhood.

Last edited by Carmina; Sep 13, 2019 at 07:39 AM..
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Default Sep 13, 2019 at 06:33 AM
  #14
I did also have a date lined up for myself but that has fallen through which is a bit of a worry as I was hoping that would help during the night which will be hardest - I'll just have to take a sleeping pill I guess
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Default Sep 13, 2019 at 09:34 PM
  #15
Are you practicing safe sex? Her sleeping with other people is very dangerous, I hope you are careful. I am not sure what exact help you need.
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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 02:43 PM
  #16
Really don't know what to do now. My partner has broken up with the guy she was seeing and has again offered to not pursue polyamory because she doesn't want to keep causing me pain, but I then feel selfish because that is restricting her freedom - she is not my property and I don't want her to feel she has to limit herself just for me. I think over time that is not healthy for our relationship and would lead to resentment and more guilt on my part. The problem here is we both love each other so each of us wants to do what is best for the other, even at our own expense, but obviously that is not possible. I'm hoping there must be some middle ground; from reading threads in Poly fora I can see these issues are not uncommon but people get through them. I just have the added issue of complex trauma.
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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 02:54 PM
  #17
Having certain expectations or standards doesn’t make one selfish. It makes one aware of what works for them and doesn’t.

You don’t have to own a person to have dealbreakers. I don’t own my husband but him sleeping around wouldn’t be something I’d be interested in (if he expressed such desire hypothetically).

Honestly it’s important to know yourself and your own nature. If you are into whatever stuff, then pursue it. But if you aren’t into it, forcing it on yourself to prove something or pursue life style of someone else’s choice isn’t going to work long run
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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 03:25 PM
  #18
I am only open to monogamy but that doesn't mean I'd consider my partner property. I don't get why you said that.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe self soothing yourself in healthy ways and CBT. She is doing an act of love for you by offering not to see anyone. You don't want to be "selfish" but what's wrong with caring for yourself, and believing your partner when she says that its ok? or break up / take a break. That's also an option too.

Best wishes.
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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 04:39 PM
  #19
I may be stupid and unevolved and old-fashioned, but I just don't see how polyamory works in a 'committed' relationship of any kind. Because, by definition, the relationship isn't really very committed, is it? I was with a woman for ten years. After seven, I discovered she had had multiple 'boyfriends.' Maybe she was polyamorous, I don't know. But I do know it did not work for me. I left and didn't look back.

I see a person--you--doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to make something work for your partner that most folks would not be willing to do. It's great that you love each other. But as smart people have said over the millenia, love is not enough. I wish you all the best and hope your pain ends soon.

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