Husband is suffering from depression

I’m new to this forum and don’t even know where to start. My husband and I have been struggling for a long time now. He is Mexican, born and raised in this country as is his family for 6+ generations. My parents love my husband but have, unthinkingly, made racist and bigoted comments. My parents always question his intelligence (He is a PhD) and career choice (A college professor) but at the same time think he is so smart and wise. They live close by and for many years we have celebrated holidays and birthdays together. He has not wanted to go for holidays in recent years and I’ve supported that. It’s hard as Christmas is so valued with my mom and I’ve wanted to have that time with her. But, I need to support my husband. In the past, I’ve expressed the importance of us visiting for Christmas and he has complied but we had to stop that a couple of years ago as we have off-limit subjects and my parents struggle to comply. They think it funny. We stopped in for a visit a few months ago and they brought up a off-limit topic. They do this time and time again and were over the top this last visit. I stopped them right there and we left. I think that this was the catapult of sending my husband into a depression. He started therapy. He couldn’t tell me the first month. He feels that I have not protected him from my family until only recently. I love him with all of my heart and feel so bad he feels this way. He is unhappy with everyone in his life right now and said today he feels going to be on his own would be the best for him. He is not suicidal but just wanting space. I don’t want him to be on his own as I am worried about him being isolated and that it would further damage out marriage. He has been really distant from me lately. We are normally very touchy-feely feeling but as of late, I get the occasional kiss on the cheek. He has become a different person and gets angry at little things. I am hurt to the core. I just don’t know if this is all related to the depression. I guess I am here for any advice, help, or support.

I recall replying to your introductory post. And I feel as though there should be something insightful I could say about what you're experiencing with your husband since it sounds as though he & I have some things in common. The way he is relating to you now is pretty-much the way I relate to my wife. It would be far too complicated for me to explain how it is I have come to the place I'm at. But I guess I would simply suggest your husband's aloofness is likely a symptom of his depression not a sign of his love (or lack thereof) for you.

You mentioned he has started therapy. And I think that's probably a good thing because I don't know how else one gets around what your husband is experiencing. You didn't mention how old he is. If he happens to be middle age, that may be at least part of what's going on with him. But it's possible there's more...maybe even stuff from his past he's never spoken about with anyone but needs to. And then, of course, there's the problem with your parents.

I do think you're correct in terms of how you're handling your parents. There have to be boundaries in any relationship including those with parents. And if your parents simply can't or won't respect yours & your husband's boundaries, then you have to do what you have to do to protect your marriage. By the same token, though, your husband also needs to take responsibility for his feelings. Hopefully that is something he can learn to do more effectively in therapy.

I know I gave you a slew of links to articles, from PC's archives, when I replied to your introductory post. However here are links to 6 additional articles I don't think I gave you that touch upon the points I've made here:

How a Little Space and Time Can Help Heal a Relationship Crisis

How to Deal with People Who Repeatedly Violate Your Boundaries | Happily Imperfect

5 Ways to Maintain Boundaries with Difficult People

When People Cross Your Boundaries

The Male Midlife Crisis

https://psychcentral.com/blog/we-are...-own-feelings/

My best wishes to both you & your hubby...

I am so sorry you are going through this @Mbluish

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Originally Posted by Mbluish My parents love my husband but have, unthinkingly, made racist and bigoted comments. My parents always question his intelligence (He is a PhD) and career choice (A college professor) but at the same time think he is so smart and wise. They live close by and for many years we have celebrated holidays and birthdays together. He has not wanted to go for holidays in recent years and I’ve supported that. It’s hard as Christmas is so valued with my mom and I’ve wanted to have that time with her. But, I need to support my husband. In the past, I’ve expressed the importance of us visiting for Christmas and he has complied but we had to stop that a couple of years ago as we have off-limit subjects and my parents struggle to comply.

These boundaries that you have set with your parents, how recent are they? Like has it been years?

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They think it funny. We stopped in for a visit a few months ago and they brought up a off-limit topic. They do this time and time again and were over the top this last visit. I stopped them right there and we left.

Good for you! Way to hold your bottom line.

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I think that this was the catapult of sending my husband into a depression. He started therapy. He couldn’t tell me the first month. He feels that I have not protected him from my family until only recently. I love him with all of my heart and feel so bad he feels this way.

I am sure your interactions with your parents didnt help things but I would be surprised if they are the reason he gave into his depression.

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He is unhappy with everyone in his life right now and said today he feels going to be on his own would be the best for him. He is not suicidal but just wanting space. I don’t want him to be on his own as I am worried about him being isolated and that it would further damage out marriage. He has been really distant from me lately. We are normally very touchy-feely feeling but as of late, I get the occasional kiss on the cheek. He has become a different person and gets angry at little things. I am hurt to the core. I just don’t know if this is all related to the depression. I guess I am here for any advice, help, or support.

When he says he needs space, what does that mean? Have you asked him? Does that mean he wants to live alone? Sleep in a different room, go and start his own solo hobbies?

He wants to be on his own? Meaning not married to you? I
doubt it was brought up by your parents’ behavior. Makes me think there is more to the story. I wonder if couples therapy could get to the bottom of it?

From what you have shared, it sounds like your husband doesn't want to be around people that say things that encourage him to feel bad about himself. It sounds like your parents have continued to not only disrespect him with their comments, but they are also disrespecting you as well.

I imagine that it's hard enough to deal with the stigma that tends to be pushed so much in our overall political arena from "both political parties", but to experience this personally which is what your parents create for him, can be VERY depressing.

Unfortunately, human beings do tend to "stigmatize" and embrace the all X's are bad mentality. Years ago the italians went through it where italians were stigmatized as being part of some mafia crime family. The Germans were stigmatized as being part of the many that followed Hitler's crazyness. The Jews are STILL stigmatized in an often very negative light, same with the Russians and the list goes on when it comes to stigmatizing including all whites tend to be racist and prejudice.

Perhaps what your husband feels is that you did not really stand up to your parents, and maybe because you still want to be around them for the Holidays even though they have proven they can be so disrespectful to your husband and even YOU has hurt him in a way you are not really understanding. Your parents should be respecting the person you love and married no matter what he is and does that he finds rewarding. Seriously, who are your parents to think they have a right to judge what another person chooses to do with their life by embracing something that makes them happy? There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to be a college professor either. Lots of good people are actually drawn to and flourish well in an educational environment.

Why can't you spend the holidays with HIS family? Actually, think about how you would feel if every time you were around his family they made you feel like you are just another racist prejudice person? How would you feel about being dragged to visit his family when you constantly feel so unwelcome and like you simply don't really belong?

He said he wants to live alone for awhile, not in our home. He thinks it will be good for him. He’s got plenty of hobbies. He stays really busy. He took on another teaching position even though he is tenured and makes good money. He is in two bands and thinking about joining another. I’ve read this is what men with depression do, stay busy.

I COMPLETELY agre with what ALL the other WISE and WONDERFUL posters have already WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that BOTH You and Your Husband are struggling SO BADLY, @Mbluish, and that you're BOTH going through ALL OF THIS! My advice would be to just do what he asks and give him some space. It seems like he may need it. I am SURE he has nothing against you and that he still Loves you very much. Unfortunately it is hard to show it when we're depressed! Please be kind to yourself. What you can do is be near him, support him, tell him you'll ALWAYS Love him no matter what and give him space when he needs it. I do believe that your family may have played a role on Him falling back in his Depression but I believe that it wasn't the ONLY factor involved. That's just my opinion anyway! It is WONDERFUL that he's seeing a therapist and keeping himself busy at least! I know it's hard but please hang in there. I also COMPLETELY agree with the wise and wonderful divine1966 about considering Couple Counseling if you feel like it may be appropriate. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to or vent to! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, KINDLY, WISELY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Mbluish, Your Husband, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that BOTH You and Your Husband are hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're BOTH going through ALL OF THIS!

That’s not what “depressed” men do. That’s what men who want to be single do: live on their own enjoying single life, hobbies and playing in bands, he might be getting second job so he can afford his own place and who knows what other fun things.

Most certainly married men (depressed or not) don’t go to life on their own. And I am surprised you are ok with it.

He doesn’t want to stay in this marriage. It’s easy to blame depression. Sure he says it’s gonna be good for him. Sounds like he plans fun single life.

Please don’t allow such disrespect. Married people don’t move out to enjoy hobbies and good times. He could do all that stuff he does while living with his wife. Him wanting to move out has nothing to do with depression. He sounds full of exciting projects which he can pursue when he moves out.

Unbelievable. Are you seeing a therapist? For yourself? To understand why is this ok with you

divine, I am not okay with him moving out. The second job does pay much and he can afford to move out without the job. It is just another life distraction. He just feels he needs to be away from all of the people he loves right now. He is going on a trip for a week to finalize his PhD soon. He said today he is curious how he will feel in the trip and then if he feels moving out would be a good idea for him. I am terrified.

I did ask him If we should go to couples therapy. He feels he needs to get through things first with his current therapist.

Well I can not tell you what to do, only you know. But if my husband said he wants to live alone and planned to move out, I’d file for divorce. We are either married or single. Not playing these games.