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Old 09-10-2019, 11:13 PM   #1
BlueMerleGirl
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Default Husband canít handle stress of daily life

My husband and I both have mental health issues but his are worse. Sometimes it seems like things are ok and he can handle his career (he has his own business and works mostly from home) and at least maybe 1/3 of parenting duties, and a tiny bit of house work. I do all of the shopping, cooking, 2/3 of childcare, and 80% of household organizing and cleaning tasks.

I get angry when he tells me he is struggling, and I wish I could be more helpful when he does. He feels like he canít talk to me about it but I just have no response. I already make most of the money and have the more difficult job, and do sooooo much more around the house even though he might not agree with that he just doesnít see it. So what am I supposed to do when he complains he canít handle daily life? The only other person left to do things is me if he isnít going to do it and I already struggle with trying to be happy with what little he does do. I really want another baby(we just have one), but my husband canít handle this so how on earth can he handle a second kid? He is willing to have one but has some concerns for obvious and valid reasons.

I feel so disappointed in my life. I never use to feel like this but I am now disappointed my husband canít be more ďnormalĒ. I donít know why things are so hard and why I canít have a husband who can handle life and handle a second kid. I just feel like it is so unfair.

Both my parents are dead, they both died in my early 20ís, and deep down I am just broken because of this. Thereís a huge hole in our life where they should be and it makes my life 100x more difficult. Not having them for any kind of support or them being grandparents. His mother tries to help us out but she drives us both nuts.

I never thought I would think of leaving him and I donít want to because I love him and for the sake of our daughter, but I feel like he is holding me back from what I want out of life sometimes. I just donít understand why it has to be so hard all the time.

The ironic thing is (If thatís the right word) is that I can support us on my income. Itís not quite the life style we want, but I can pay our bills and feed us and have some money beyond that. He was a stay at home dad for a while but while heís decent at the ďdadĒ part, he made me do virtually all household tasks, planning, shopping, and cooking and I was so resentful my blood was boiling. I donít expect him to do it all but f*** if he is staying home he has better at LEAST do half the work or it is complete bull ****. And plus he is not happy being a stay at home dad. If he canít handle life the only thing to go is his career, and we basically know that is not going to work based on past history.

I know everyone will say do counseling, and I am looking into finding someone. I really want to find someone who will take our insurance cuz itís ridiculous to pay out of pocket
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Old 09-10-2019, 11:27 PM   #2
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Default Re: Husband canít handle stress of daily life

Is he seeing his Pdoc on a regular basis? Sometimes a tweak in meds can make a huge difference. Does he have a Therapist ?

Therapy is a great place to learn coping skills but also to set goals and work hard to reach them. Some people just need a different Therapist if they arent improving there life day to day.

You donít mention what mental illness he struggles with so itís hard to maybe offer more specific advice.

Has he always left you the majority of household chores to do from the beginning of your relationship ?

Of course resentment is going to build overtime , how could it not.

I think your best bet as for finding a Therapist for couples counseling is by going on your insurance website and just start calling , if you call them all and no one is accepting new clients or the wait til is to far out you can force your insurance to cover someone outside your network if you have such a plan.

Unfortunately your going to need to do the legwork in finding someone who might help you as a couple.

Do you have your own therapist ? You need help to process your current situation and figure out what you should do at this point.

Iím sorry you feel your life just isnít what you invisioned , but things can change with him or without him.

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Old 09-11-2019, 11:28 AM   #3
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Default Re: Husband canít handle stress of daily life

He probably can't really talk to you about it, this means he needs to find someone he can talk about it with. His life probably isn't what he invisioned either. He may feel lost and is having a hard time figuring out what to do about it.

My advice is do not have another child that will only add more to your plate. It would not be fair to the child because they actually "do" absorb the stress that takes place between the parents.

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His mother tries to help us out but she drives us both nuts.
Yes, and this is what he grew up with and could play a role in his current issues too.
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Old 09-11-2019, 12:15 PM   #4
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Default Re: Husband canít handle stress of daily life

Well, it seems like you already know what to do, @BlueMerleGirl. I am REALLY HAPPY that you're going to see a Couple Counsellor soon! I do feel like even an individual Therapist may help him as well, but that's YOUR decision. Perhaps you may want to see one as well if you feel like you need it. I COMPLETELY agree with the WISE and WONDERFUL Open Eyes and ~Christina for the rest. Yes, having another child may not be the best idea right now. Perhaps wait a bit at least until you're BOTH REALLY, REALLY SURE ABOUT THAT DECISION! Please be kind to yourself and your Husband. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH of you! Keep fighting and keep rocking!
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:06 PM   #5
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Default Re: Husband canít handle stress of daily life

BlueMerle I have no advice for you that hasn't already been given above, but I just want to say that to me you sound TOTALLY awesome!!! When you tell about everything you do it just blows me away. I wish I could do 1/10 of what you do every day but I'm afraid I'm more like your husband. All I can do is admire.

I too believe a good counselor can help you even if your are the only one to go.

My best wishes to you in this matter!!!!
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:45 PM   #6
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Default Re: Husband canít handle stress of daily life

Thank you so much for all your advice and support everyone. My husband has adhd, mild bipolar 2, and anxiety. He sees a psychiatrist that he likes who does some psychotherapy but he doesnít see a therapist. I used to see a therapist but havenít found a new one since moving. I do see a psychiatrist who does minimal psychotherapy and I have chronic depression and anxiety.


I know everyone says donít have a kid and youíre probably right, but i have known fertility issues. Iím about to turn 34, and I know I may have time, but feel like I may not be able to conceive if I wait longer because of all the issues I have. It feels like now or never to me. I can tell my daughter (3.5) can sense when we are stressed and she starts to act out more for sure, so I get it.

I am feeling a little better about things today. I would like to see an individual therapist as I also feel like I canít really talk to anyone about our relationship issues. Anyone I feel comfortable with either wouldnít understand or I feel like itís an invasion of privacy for my husband.
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Old 09-12-2019, 08:06 AM   #7
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Default Re: Husband canít handle stress of daily life

Hey @BlueMerleGirl
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueMerleGirl View Post
I get angry when he tells me he is struggling, and I wish I could be more helpful when he does. He feels like he canít talk to me about it but I just have no response. I already make most of the money and have the more difficult job, and do sooooo much more around the house even though he might not agree with that he just doesnít see it. So what am I supposed to do when he complains he canít handle daily life? The only other person left to do things is me if he isnít going to do it and I already struggle with trying to be happy with what little he does do.
If he is really that depressed and its holding him back he needs Intensive outpatient therapy or regular therapy. He wont talk to you about it and is not happy. Have you asked him what would make him happy? There is always natural consequences. What would happen if you stopped doing his laundry, his dishes, cleaning up after him and even shopping? Would he just live in filth and starve? He needs to be inconveinenced or uncomfortable enough to change. That is usually how change occurs..we do not like something so it makes us change.

Quote:
I really want another baby(we just have one), but my husband canít handle this so how on earth can he handle a second kid? He is willing to have one but has some concerns for obvious and valid reasons.
OMG do not bring another child into this environment now. It is so- almost toxic there is no way a baby will improve things- no matter what he says.


Quote:
I feel so disappointed in my life. I never use to feel like this but I am now disappointed my husband canít be more ďnormalĒ. I donít know why things are so hard and why I canít have a husband who can handle life and handle a second kid. I just feel like it is so unfair.
You have a right to your feelings. If you do not want to feel that way you have to do something about it yourself. Waiting for him to get his act together isnt working for you now. You need to take care of only yourself and your child- let him take care of himself.

Quote:
Both my parents are dead, they both died in my early 20ís, and deep down I am just broken because of this. Thereís a huge hole in our life where they should be and it makes my life 100x more difficult. Not having them for any kind of support or them being grandparents. His mother tries to help us out but she drives us both nuts.
I understand your pain. My dad died when I was 24- I am 44 now and only time made that better.
Quote:
I never thought I would think of leaving him and I donít want to because I love him and for the sake of our daughter, but I feel like he is holding me back from what I want out of life sometimes. I just donít understand why it has to be so hard all the time.
What is he holding you back from?

Quote:
The ironic thing is (If thatís the right word) is that I can support us on my income. Itís not quite the life style we want, but I can pay our bills and feed us and have some money beyond that. He was a stay at home dad for a while but while heís decent at the ďdadĒ part, he made me do virtually all household tasks, planning, shopping, and cooking and I was so resentful my blood was boiling. I donít expect him to do it all but f*** if he is staying home he has better at LEAST do half the work or it is complete bull ****. And plus he is not happy being a stay at home dad. If he canít handle life the only thing to go is his career, and we basically know that is not going to work based on past history.
You have to address that resentment with him or it will eat you alive. Say your peace and let him fend for himself.

Only when the pain is great enough, intolerable will we change.
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Old 09-13-2019, 02:06 AM   #8
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Default Re: Husband canít handle stress of daily life

If you want another child, you should go for it. Just not with this man.

If he doesnít want to help around, he could get a second job and pay for a maid. Itís also possible that he doesnít do anything because he knows you will. You arenít a maid. Iíd stop doing anything for him at this point.
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