Need some input

Toto54 · Sep 11, 2019 at 09:05 PM

Ok, so about 3 years ago I met a woman and over those 3 years we became very good friends. Recently her father died and she leaned on me quite a bit. In our "chats" she explained she has trust issues with men due to a divorce and then dated a guy who turned out t be married. Real recently I had planned to leave my job, and of course I was upset thinking I wouldn't see her again. I talked to her before I left and we both opened up a bit about how we felt about each other. My boss, after 10 days, talked me into coming back, so naturally I just wanted to say hi to her, and let her know I was back, at which time she went bonkers, and later said she was creeped out by me stopping by and saying hi. I think she may be struggling with her feelings but has become very hard with her previous trust issues. In fact I thin it even makes her mad that has these feelings. So what say you?

sarahsweets · Sep 12, 2019 at 07:21 AM

Welcome @Toto54

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toto54

Ok, so about 3 years ago I met a woman and over those 3 years we became very good friends. Recently her father died and she leaned on me quite a bit. In our "chats" she explained she has trust issues with men due to a divorce and then dated a guy who turned out t be married. Real recently I had planned to leave my job, and of course I was upset thinking I wouldn't see her again. I talked to her before I left and we both opened up a bit about how we felt about each other. My boss, after 10 days, talked me into coming back, so naturally I just wanted to say hi to her, and let her know I was back, at which time she went bonkers, and later said she was creeped out by me stopping by and saying hi. I think she may be struggling with her feelings but has become very hard with her previous trust issues. In fact I thin it even makes her mad that has these feelings. So what say you?

I was unclear but do you work with her? Did you decide to end the relationship or continue it?

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 07:28 AM

I work with her and had Hope's we could continue a good friendship, at the least. Don't think I can stand to be near her now.

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 07:32 AM

BTW, I now look at her as sort of a black widow.

Bill3 · Sep 12, 2019 at 09:27 AM

It sounds like you did not warn her that you were coming back but instead just showed up at her desk during work.

If that is what happened:

She believed and trusted that you were gone. A person with major trust issues could have seen your sudden reappearance as not only a shock but a breach of trust. You said you were gone and then without warning you showed up again.

What would you think of apologizing to her?

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 09:34 AM

Well, makes some sense I guess. But I'm still wondering if perhaps she has some feelings there and frankly it scares her enough to go the other way.

Bill3 · Sep 12, 2019 at 12:52 PM

I don't know about that, but how interested are you (if at all) in finding out?

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 01:02 PM

In all honesty I am, but how does one do that after being pushed away so hard?

MickeyCheeky · Sep 12, 2019 at 04:18 PM

Well, I COMPLETELY agree with what the wise and wonderful Bill3 and sarahsweets have already WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD!!

It seems like she was upset by this for some reason so perhaps apologize for her and talk to her about what happened. Hopefully that will rebuild some of the trust she has in you and she'll be able to better explain what happened!

It is not your fault of course - but if you're interested in keeping her as a friend at least it's best to bring up the subject sooner than later in my opinion!

So please, give it a try if you're interested in a friendship with her. That's just our opinion of course! Do what you feel like doing. Be kind to her and your yourself!

Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need someone to talk to or vent to or even just advice and support! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY, KINDLY, WISELY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You And hER, @Toto54, Your Family, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!!

Bill3 · Sep 12, 2019 at 04:44 PM

My thought is to find a calm moment to apologize for surprising her and for not informing her. Express the hope that you two can be friends again like you were in the past.

After that, be ultra steady with her, no more surprises.

See if she will get coffee or have lunch with you.

This may or may not make her friendly again, but that’s the best I have to offer fwiw. Good luck!

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 04:51 PM

Thank you all so much, I'll let things calm down a bit and see where it goes. If it goes forward with friendship, perfect. If not I have to trust she is scared of intimacy from past trust issues, and at point just be friendly but back off some. Make sense?

Bill3 · Sep 12, 2019 at 05:36 PM

Makes sense to me.

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 05:53 PM

Thanks bill3

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 06:38 PM

So a little bit ago I went hr about this, and the fact that my character was assinated by her co-worker at her office. Naturally I had to tell the co-worker what I thought of that, and of course I'm the bad guy. What really kills me is the one I've been writing about lied through her teeth, all in an effort to not lose her job, and I can prove that. So instead of risking her job, I risked mine a basically took a bullet and got written up. The odd thing is HR admitted that they think there is more to this story but I kept silent.

In the end I want to thank you all for the good advice, but I believe I'm just going to avoid this woman at all cost as I feel she is dangerous to me, but unfortunately to herself, and frankly I care too much to watch.

Bill3 · Sep 12, 2019 at 06:43 PM

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 07:00 PM

Not sure what you're saying bill

Bill3 · Sep 12, 2019 at 07:13 PM

I’m sad that this is what happened, that you had to deal with hr and that she lied.

That emoji is a virtual hug for a sad/hurt person, which I am taking you to be at the moment.

Toto54 · Sep 12, 2019 at 07:23 PM

Very much so. But I cant let it ruin the rest of my life. We had a close enough relationship that I can honestly say I love her, I'll miss her, and ill always care and be concerned for her. What else can one do, at some point you have to love enough to let go.

Toto54 · Sep 16, 2019 at 06:18 PM

Let ask a stupid question, is it possible for a woman to say, with a sincerity she has feelings for you and then a week later she says she switched it off? Does that even make any sense?

~Christina · Sep 16, 2019 at 07:57 PM

Yes I think that is possible. I have had that happen to me numerous times in my life

I have Bipolar and maybe “ a bit “ of it was that but I think more of it was I kind of got overwhelmed because something happened weird or out of the blue and like self preservation kicks in and I’d totally flip my feelings.

My first husband cheated on me so I was very suspicious of anyone I’d allow them to get to know me more. So it was on my end not there’s.

I’m sorry that she has you questioning her feelings.

Maybe just give her space and see how things play out ?

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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 07:28 AM #3 I work with her and had Hope's we could continue a good friendship, at the least. Don't think I can stand to be near her now.
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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 07:32 AM #4 BTW, I now look at her as sort of a black widow.
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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 09:34 AM #6 Well, makes some sense I guess. But I'm still wondering if perhaps she has some feelings there and frankly it scares her enough to go the other way.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 12:52 PM #7 I don't know about that, but how interested are you (if at all) in finding out?
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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 01:02 PM #8 In all honesty I am, but how does one do that after being pushed away so hard?
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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 04:51 PM #11 Thank you all so much, I'll let things calm down a bit and see where it goes. If it goes forward with friendship, perfect. If not I have to trust she is scared of intimacy from past trust issues, and at point just be friendly but back off some. Make sense?
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 05:36 PM #12 Makes sense to me.
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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 05:53 PM #13 Thanks bill3
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 06:43 PM #15
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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 07:00 PM #16 Not sure what you're saying bill
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 07:13 PM #17 I’m sad that this is what happened, that you had to deal with hr and that she lied. That emoji is a virtual hug for a sad/hurt person, which I am taking you to be at the moment.
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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 12, 2019 at 07:23 PM #18 Very much so. But I cant let it ruin the rest of my life. We had a close enough relationship that I can honestly say I love her, I'll miss her, and ill always care and be concerned for her. What else can one do, at some point you have to love enough to let go.
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Toto54 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Michigan Posts: 16 4 1 hugs given	Sep 16, 2019 at 06:18 PM #19 Let ask a stupid question, is it possible for a woman to say, with a sincerity she has feelings for you and then a week later she says she switched it off? Does that even make any sense?
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